F3 New Orleans

Tag: Yankee Joe

  • Butterball Flight School – from Yankee Joe

    First things first. At 11:50 am yesterday, YHC hopped on the phone with Goats in the Machine. In the background, I could hear his 2.0, Sonic, playing. Or at least I thought he was playing. Goats, as the de facto PE coach, was actually running Sonic back and forth across their two acres. “Take another lab, bud. Goood. Yep. Keep going. Keep goingggg. To the tree and back…the far tree way, way over there. Good job.”

    This gave us a few moments to talk. Goats had an idea to raise money from the Pax to purchase a bicycle for a child in need. Better than that, he wanted to bake it into a beatdown. Even better than that, he wanted to take over YHC’s Thursday Q and run his own. Even more betterer than that, this would be his VQ! We got off the phone at 12:03 pm. By 1 pm, he had created his plan and shared it with the Pax. By 1:15pm, he had his Venmo ready. By 1:45 pm, there were enough donations to buy one bike. By 4pm, enough for four bikes, by 7pm enough for 12 bikes, and by 5am this morning, enough for 16 bikes. Y’all when this guy gets an idea, the Southern Goats Express is rolling through and rolling fast. You better get on board or take a powder and kick rocks (aka..get the heck out of the way). After getting a glimpse of his pre-blast VQ, we are in for a deliciously brutal treat!
    ————–

    That’s a tough act to follow, but on to the beatdown.

    A record seven PAX showed up at the Stage. 44 degrees, but the chill factor had ebbed since the day before, so YHC was whining far less audibly. Thanksgiving is a holiday that often gets overshadowed by Christmas (the commercial, Santa version), like an underwhelming opening act to the main event. As such, we often forget to take a moment to be thankful as we head into the true season of celebrating our Savior.

    As my children adorably sang Thanksgiving songs during their Pre-K performance last week, one verse stuck out to me:

    “I’m a little pilgrim on the run, here is my knife and here is my gun. When I go a-hunting, hear my shout – Deer and turkey better watch out!”

    Cute, if not a tad unnerving. I pondered about what the turkey thought about all this? I asked myself, who will speak for the Turkey? I’ll tell you who…the men of F3 Thibodaux. And the only way to do that is to think like a turkey, sound like a turkey, move like a turkey, and fly like a turkey.

    Wait…can turkeys fly? Ahhh…and thus our beatdown was birthed.

    Warmarama with the regs, followed by a bumper mosey.

    Then, YHC began the beatdown with the following beatdown intro:

    “Today, we’re all a bunch of turkeys. But I’m proud of that fact. There are haters everywhere. They say that we’re delicious. They mock us saying gobble gobble. Who even says that? Their kids trace their hands on construction paper and slap some feet on them and say, “Look mommy, I made a turkey.” Like it’s a genuine Turcasso. Sorry kid, your teacher found the turkey hand template online because she’s bored and doesn’t like her job. However, she is worried (or pissed) that you use so much dang Elmer’s glue when all you need is a dot. Just a dot. Seriously. But I digress.

    I could deal with all of this if it weren’t for the worst thing. They say we can’t fly. Bobby Joe and Jessie Pearl call us flightless birds. Flightless! Oh yeah, Bubba Sue, how the hell did I get up in this tree? Well, I say horsefeathers. They think they’re the cat’s pajamas, drinking all that giggle juice. Well, I say they don’t know their onions. Until now, we’ve made a right pig’s ear of things. But that ends now. Today, we will show them a thing or two about a thing or two. We’re going to learn to fly. Welcome to Butterball Flight Academy.”
    ————-
    Lesson 1: Arm and Leg Warm-up
    To the tune of “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty, these parakeets did:

    – 1st verse – Imperial walkers; Refrain – Merkins
    – 2nd verse – seal jacks; Refrain – Merkins
    – Bridge – chill
    – 3rd verse – squats; Extended refrain – Merkins
    (potential total for 95 merkins)
    ————-
    Lesson 2: Coordination and Flight Training

    – Tie Fighters modified with forward arm circles through lunges
    – Lunge walk to sidewalk (approx. 30 yards)
    – Jungle Boi’s X20 (at this point, YHC was questioning his…well everything)
    – Backward tie fighter mods – BACs during backward lunges to start point
    (half way through, YHC called an audible to change Bonnie Blairs to a 1:1 ratio)
    Bonnie Blairs x20
    ————-
    Lesson 3: You Must Focus. You Must Think Like a Crane, not a Turkey.
    To the tune of “You’re the Best” from Karate Kid (Part 1, of course), these flamingos did:

    – 1st verse – SSH; Refrain – alternating crane kicks
    – 2nd verse – SSH; Refrain – alternating crane kicks
    – Bridge – chill (YHC forgot that we were supposed to be doing speed humpers); Refrain – alternating crane kicks
    – 3rd verse – Arm raises; Refrain – alternating crane kicks
    (By the end, it is impossible to describe whatever the hell any of us were doing. They weren’t crane kicks.)
    ————-
    Intermission: You can only push a bunch of turkeys so far without giving them some reward. So, we took a break and like any good family thanksgiving, we had a pot-luck Mary session. (Poppin Dolly’s were not included.)

    – Montana: V-ups
    – Fence Post: LBC’s (we were all thankful)
    – Kilo: Penguins
    – Goats: Protractor leg raises (20, 45, and 90 degrees) – one of the many advantages of having an engineer in the PAX
    – Goose: Box cutters
    – Enron: I can’t remember. Maybe Big Boy’s? I’m sorry, buddy. I can be such a turkey sometimes.
    – YHC: Flutter kicks – 4 COUNT – but I was actually doing a 5 count. Goose and Enron graciously corrected me. Then I graciously began planning their punishment.

    The Q is not always right, but he is NEVER wrong.
    ————–
    Lesson 4: We Fly!

    – Sprint to sidewalk with tucked wings, intermittently screeching “gobble, gobble.”10 big boys sit ups
    – Nur sprint back with tucked wings
    – Sprint to farthest cone, 10 BBS, Nur sprint back
    – Sprint to second farthest cone, 10 BBS, Nur sprint back
    – Sprint to third farthest cone, 10 BBS, Nur sprint back
    (Thank you Goats and Montana for your enthusiastic gobbling.)
    —————
    Lesson 5: Stabilizers

    Our wings are curved, our tail feathers are straight up, our bones are dense. We are fluffy, not fat. As such, our last lesson dealt with an oft overlooked facet of turkey flight training…stabilizers.

    To the tune of Gobble Gobble (by Matthew West…it’s a good one), these cockatoos engaged in a combination of low plank holds, J-Lo’s (low plank, alternate hips touching ground), and the newest Thibodaux Pax fad, the pickle pounder (low plank with hip thrust down and up).

    Together, the J-Lo’s and the Pickle Pounder are called the ARod’s. But for obvious reasons, this name is no longer appropriate. For the consideration of F3 Thibodaux and Nation, I offer the J-Lo Pickle Gobbler. It’ll catch on.

    – 1st verse – low plank
    – J-Lo on gobble gobbles
    – Refrain – pickle pounders
    – 2nd verse – low plank
    – J-Lo gobble gobbles
    – Extended Refrain – pickle pounders
    (By the end of the extended refrain, Montana, Kilo, and Fence Post were all calling out YHC. I was gassed, flat on the ground, moving my hips from side to side. I believe the term “wounded walrus” was suggested.
    ————–
    Encore! 90 seconds remaining

    YHC deliberated with great pains on which Karate Kid song to use for the Crane Kick lesson. It came down to “You’re the Best” and “Glory of Love.” The former won out by virtue of faster cadence.

    So, to the tune of “Glory of Love,” we held Al Gore for the first verse (about one minute) and ended the last 30 seconds in mission impossible plank. In a vulnerable moment, Goose shared that this was the first song to bring him to tears as a child. I can tell you that YHC has never felt so seen.
    ————–
    COT and YHC prayed us out. As always, I am thankful for F3, the men of the Thibodaux Pax, and most of all the values that we share and espouse to the community. Thank you Goats for bringing those values front and center as we head into this season of gratitude and humility.

    SYITG and Gobble Gobble,

    Turkey Joe

  • Skid Marks – from Goose

    I know, that’s two backblasts in a row from YHC with a toilet humor theme–I may or may not be working on a streak here.

    YHC has been yearning to take advantage of the random brick piles strewn about the neighborhood construction sites, and there was a particular exercise routine I remember both hating and marveling over from my time on the Northshore. This seemed the perfect morning to pull it out of the bag.

    After a warmup of the usual exercises and mumblechatter topics (including Goats’s late night GroupMe activity followed by a fartsack), we moseyed to the corner at the beginning of Rich Man’s Loop where we usually stop so the exercise can be both explained and groaned about.
    For the first Thang the PAX were just told that we’d be bear crawling to the next light post and then given further instructions. YHC didn’t notice that Yankee Joe hadn’t heeded the glove recommendation–what was to be a bit of a rough morning began for him at that point–that pavement’s got some wicked grooves. At the time, though, he thought, “Surely this is why he recommended gloves, but whatever–a little bear crawl never hurt nobody.” YHC could smell his thoughts, and they stunk of misplaced confidence, so I responded with thoughts of my own: “Don’t call me Shirley.”

    The next lightpost distance would be traversed via THE crab walk. All eyes were on Cardinal to see what kind of technique or mental prowess he employed to smoke everyone so completely and consistently. He did not disappoint as he completed the entirety of Rich Man’s Loop twice before even one of us had made it halfway to the next light post. And no one could evaluate his form because when you crab walk, you face backward. There was plenty of time, though, to make educated guesses: maybe it’s his arm to spine length ratio? his red hair? the grace of ordination? his youth? helium bags hidden in that sweatshirt? crab-derived steroids? Regardless, his prowess didn’t seem to be limited to just the crab walk this morning. Some leftover Q-drenaline, or maybe the lead-drenaline was kicking hard, and he would not be beaten for most of the light post transports.

    The next two posts were side shuffles (right-facing, then left facing) mostly so YHC could have a few seconds to get his courage up for the next two…

    The next light post was traversed via 44’s: 4 bear crawl steps and 4 merkins in turns all the way there.
    Wet Tap had graciously joined The Stage crew this morning, and this is where he made his presence known (not surprisingly). YHC is pretty convinced that he walked on his hands growing up and did push-ups continuously during class while his schoolmates sat in desks. (“I just learn better that way.”)

    After this, we switched the number “44” around to make it “44”: this time with crab walks and whatever you call the exercise where you do basically a standing, full extension wife pleaser. So, in crab position, you do like a mini dip (butt hits the ground) followed by a wife pleaser fully off the ground. 4 crab walk steps to 4 of those.
    This, again, was brutal for everyone who wasn’t Cardinal, especially since some sort of breach in the space time continuum caused the next lightpost to keep getting farther away and the one we just left to follow us like a puppy.

    Next post was The Groucho Walk, which was a pretty unique, dizzying experience in a tight group of 8 large men. The comparisons to West Side Story and the Anchorman rumble scene were the perfect distraction from the deep quad/groin burn.

    We ended this routine with one more interval of nurring before moseying, not back to the flag, but to the brick pile.

    Thang 2: S**t Brick Sliders

    YHC was first introduced to this routine by Crawfish from F3 Birmingham(?) when he made a cameo at Granny’s on the Northshore about three years ago. It was so creative and ridiculous and hard that it stuck in my head, and I’ve been doing the typical “avoiding it/can’t wait to try it again” dance.

    YHC mysteriously grabbed two bricks from the pile and led the mosey backtracking to the dead end in the middle of the loop (to the right after the long east/west straightaway where the burpee station was for the SV500), which will heretofore be known as “The Dead End of Solace” because of how pretty that area is, and because the 44’s were over. Montana felt the need to mention aloud that he would not willingly participate in any breaking and entering, and Enron actually agreed to take part in any revenge based activities that might be planned.

    Instead, each PAX, one at a time, took the two bricks, placed them on the ground, and pushed them down the street, driving with the feet and having to stay low because of the friction, and leaving red, stinky skid marks all the way to the manhole cover about 25 yards away. Before starting, each PAX would assign the rest of the group an exercise to complete AMRAP until they returned, and upon their return, each PAX would comment, “That’s harder than it looks!” Seriously, I think we heard that four times.

    We ended with all PAX running to grab two bricks apiece and lining up so we could all do it one more time together. Enron got off to an impressive start but face planted after the right brick caught a mud spot, though he still finished first after a solid recovery. Not much pride earned by any of the PAX on that last one, but the marks of our immense efforts will remain. At least until Wednesday when it’s scheduled to rain.

    Moseyed back to the flag for LBC’s and flutters, COT, and Paradox prayed us out. It was an awesome morning–definitely one that brought the PAX together and made YHC grateful for time with this crew! Very much looking forward to a Goats VQ on Thursday!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Gather Around the Fire – from Paradox

    Since the dawn of civilization men have shared stories around Gods gift of flame. Tales of triumph and sorrow, passed from generation to generation, formed the foundation of our early history. So when 7 pax trickled into the Stage on a rather chilly bayou morning questions abound about the bright orange glow coming from the spare lot north of the Stage. There was Enron with his standard issue “what the hell do you have planned now” look. Goose with his “Will I get a call from the HOA” concerns. Tana with speculations about UFOs. Yankee with his usual “I’m not sure what it is, but I love it already” exuberance. Cuz with a steely eyed glance that spoke volumes. YHC reassured them that all will be revealed but in due time. Every good story needs to really simmer in uncertainty before you reach a rolling boil. The gloom was filled with mystery and somewhere on 40 arpent road Goats was cranking his car and testing the air with fartleks….so we knew it was time to get started .

    Warmup
    The usual warmups plus Goats coming in hot signaling 5:35am. I will say with the recent addition of “Live with Goats” every night on the GroupMe his tardiness is much more tolerated. Bumper mosey with hilarious Northshore tales from Goose about pedestrians questioning what exactly the PAX could be training for? Like “hey we are monkey humper/burpee/merkin triathletes but why don’t you mind your business and walk your schnauzer lady!”

    Back at the stage, we grabbed coupons in a single file rifle carry line and headed north, toward the campfire.

    Chapter 1: The Dark Years
    We settled our coupons around a blazing fire (large traffic cone with a LED light inside, propped on a coupon…no big deal) and YHC revealed that today was his 1 year F3 Manniversary. On November 16, 2021 YHC was at this very location as an FNG. Today’s beatdown would be a tribute to our PAX and the growth YHC has been blessed with since starting this journey. Every great origin story begins one of two ways: a scientist obtains superpowers from a freak accident or…a super nerd gains perspective from a dark period in his life and gets a chance to change his fate. YHC’s would be the latter.
    First exercise was dedicated to the Pre-F3 Garage Bro Circuit training that I was doing irregularly at home. Everyone knows this routine. Slam some PreWorkout with 9000 mg caffeine…then Chest on Monday, Biceps on Tuesday and maybe Legs 3 weeks later. Rinse and repeat until its April and you realize you must swim in an oversized t-shirt at the company picnic again because of a “rash”.

    100 RING OF FIRE incline merkins
    50 RING OF FIRE decline merkins
    Colt 45s
    Bolt 45s

    Chapter 2: Chance Encounters
    YHCs very first exposure to F3 was at our backyard tee ball league. While showing my kids how their old man used to serve up nasty sliders at HHS I overheard two men in conversation:

    Goats: Hey Man you posting this Saturday? Goose had us doing monkey humpers at peltier park last beatdown!

    (Proceeds to demonstrate a monkey humper in front of God and all his children)

    Enron: Yea that sounds awful, cant wait!

    I dashed to cover my children’s ears before realizing these men were in some sort of top secret workout group. The seeds of curiosity were planted. (At this very same tee ball league I met a young stepper named Adrian Maught before his transformation into Yankee Broseph/Joseph/Oh No).

    25 monkey humpers were completed and the Lafourche sherriff made some real slow drive-bys

    Chapter 3: The Goose Nest and a Leap of Faith

    Fast Forward a few months, while having Dinner at the Goose nest and meeting the Goslings, Goose’s M mentioned that he leads a workout F3 thing in the front of the neighborhood. Ultimately I think it was the enthusiasm that she displayed about how much of an impact it had made on Goose that led me to inquire more. One pinned location text message later and I was set to meet a new friend and several complete strangers in the dark at a “green space” in the neighborhood. I knew there would be fitness and I knew I would get a name I didn’t like (I had personally picked out Doctor Strange but Goose had me beat by a mile).

    In honor of our M’s having great influence in inviting FNGs we partnered up to complete
    P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Thrusters. FlapJack
    P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Coupon Swings. FlapJack

    Chapter 4: The First Beatdown

    The details from that first beatdown are always hazy but a few things standout to me:

    1. During that first beatdown I was indeed welcomed with Open Arms. From Cardinal showing me modifications to Enron keeping things light while critiquing Gooses form I never felt like a stranger to this group. Goose explained everything with clarity and detail.
    I hope to pass this along to every FNG.

    SONG: Creed With Arms Wide Open- Coupon step ups on song then Coupon Merkin with side plank reach on every “arms wide open”. It seems the crowd was very split on love/hate for Creed.

    2. My very first Thang in F3 was The Cupid Shuffle (see below), a song that previously annoyed me to no end was transformed in front of my eyes into tortuous shoulder/chest monster. Needless to say I have been quite obsessed with the creative process of building and sharing beatdowns and the joy I get from this process can’t be understated. Months later when creating my very own beatdown I remember Goose telling me that besides a warmup and COT there were very few rules. It was like that scene in the Matrix where Morpheus shows Neo the “white room” where he can summon anything he thinks of. (not saying im the chosen one but it’s a decent analogy).
    SONG: We completed the Cupid Shuffle : Merkins on Down Down, Mountain climbers on Do your dance, left plank, right plank shuffle, then mountain climbers on walk it out.

    3. So, building beatdowns is great but truly what has kept me returning to the well of F3 is the power of shared suffering during an exercise with men you trust at both sides. During that first beatdown we wrapped up with a classic “Tubthumping” by Chumbwumba. I remember watching Enron react to this announcement. The slight head nod of recognition followed by the neck crack to signify that he would risk a heart attack to not be defeated by these burpees. He took the challenge personal, and I felt the need to not leave him or any of these other men to do burpees alone.
    SONG: Survivor by Destinys Child: SSH on song, Burpees on Survivor.

    4. Finally, my first beatdown was complete and I found out Paradox would now be my name for most of my new social circle (M’s and 2.0s included). There’s a great camaraderie that comes along with these silly names and brough to mind an old classic TV theme Song.
    SONG: Cheers Theme song- Rifle carry circle march and Man Makers on Name and Came

    We wrapped up with Dealers Choice Mary to signify every man bringing something to the table.
    LBCs, 20 deg to 90 deg (nice selection Goats)….then something special happen.
    Goose still had an ace under his sleeve and unleashed Pickle Pounders to F3 Thibodaux for what I think was the first time. It was ….well….it was something.

    Countoff , Name off, and YHC prayed us out with tremendous gratitude for God bringing me into this group. Special thanks to Goose for the EH and to all the guys who come out to get a little better each beatdown.

    Cant wait for another great year.

    SYITG
    Pdox

  • The Beautiful Beatdown – from Yankee Joe

    Over the past few weeks, YHC has navigated a time of growth and reflection. In Marketing, there is a term called, “marketing myopia.” It is a concept that refers to a firm’s narrow focus on their own product development considering only internal strategies, along with competitors’ actions. As such, the organization loses focus on the two most important elements…1) the needs of the customer and 2) how their product can fulfill those needs.

    You see, YHC had also become myopic in his thinking, both about his place in F3 and subsequently, his beatdown designs. Following the St. Vincents 500 (hosted by F3 Thibodaux), I was exposed to the prowess of legends like Tanked Up, Hawgcycle, and Thibodaux Pax’s very own, Goose. With IPC 2022, in conjunction with the Jerf challenge, only to be followed by Burptober, YHC came to believe that all beatdowns should…ya know…kill you. Why else are we here?

    My dear gloom partner, I want you to know…nay, I need you to know…that I was wrong. But as only Ahtohallan knows, “when all is lost, all is found.” I embarked on a beatdown mission to find a balance between rigor, creativity, and, dare I say it, fun. That said, here we go.

    The game of soccer (or Football for the rest of the world) has its roots dating back to ancient China. However, since we cannot actually corroborate this with any real evidence, we’ll opt not to be wankers and go with the modern version, which popped up in 1860’s England (some say Germany). To distinguish the new sport from other games such as rugby, it was dubbed “Association Football.” The word “association” was abbreviated to “assoc,” with one who played the sport being an “assoccer.” As the game made its way over to the US, the term evolved into the word we know today, “soccer.” So if an obnoxious Brit ever gives you a hard time about the term “soccer,” simply inform them that you refuse to engage with a man who calls french fries, chips. And chips, crisps. I can’t. I just can’t.

    With that bit of useless trivia, we should really focus on the game itself. Though perhaps monotonous to the untrained or North Louisiana eye, the game is a chess match of fluid movement and strategy. Plays beginning from seemingly benign backfield passes, suddenly develop into offensive attacks with players moving in out of open spaces.

    The game is often called, “The Beautiful Game.” For this reason and in honor of the World Cup 2022, I offer you “The Beautiful Beatdown.”

    (First, YHC arrived early for setup and met Paradox for our typical pre-thang…wait…sorry. I’m not supposed to talk about pre-thangs. Moving on.)

    Warmarama: 11 PAX at the Peltch!!!

    The usual. YHC was losing his voice due to a constant rash of 2.0 plagues running through the castle, so I went fast. No time for mumblechatter, seriously screwing with Enron’s typical momentum. The sky was overcast and sputtering. We hailed the triumphant return of Paradiddle, a clear omen that today would be special. However, in my haste, many cadence steps were butchered. For a quick moment, Goose’s smile disappeared as if to say, “fix this or I will.” YHC got it together quickly. Mosey to the F3 soccer complex.

    Thang 1: Agility and Strength

    As this was the first part of our beatdown, we recognized the first World Cup in 1930.
    Setup: On a 30 x 10 field, one side corner several cones spaced closely for a total of 10 yards; opposite side corner the same set up. The pax split, half starting on one side and the other across the way.

    Pax began in staggered starts, side shuffling at full speed between cones for 10 yards, then 20 yard full sprint to other side; 19 burpees. Continue to opposite side cones. Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 30 merkins; Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 19 squat jumps; Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 30 Carolina Dry Docks.

    Notables: Wet Tap, recently off of IR, showed his typical prowess, barely breaking a sweat. Enron made a comment about 19 burpees being his limit, so YHC changed out 30 side straddle hops for squat jumps. I’m kidding, but Enron was on thin ice, you betta’ belee dat.

    Interlude 1: Shakira’s

    This Pax’s hips definitely lie…or at least significantly modify. Imperial walkers through the verses, Shakira’s on the refrain: low wide legged (goddess) squat with hands in praying position; remaining in squat, shimmy shoulders, while lifting alternating legs. Kinda like a squat version of the hand release merkin. Then Q’s choice intermittently with arm raised jump ups and open Pax freestyle.

    (At this point, YHC’s legs were burning from the fast pace work during the pre-thang with Paradox…Crap…sorry. I keep forgetting. First rule of pre-thangs is don’t talk about the pre-thangs.)

    Thang 2: The Goal of the Century (aka Oh Cosmic Kite)

    In the quarterfinals of the 1986 World Cup, Argentina went up against a strong squad from England. On that championship Argentinian team was a footballer named Diego Armando Maradona. Of all his countless successes, he is perhaps remembered most for the two goals during that match: The Hand of God and The Goal of the Century. Also on that day was another iconic moment provided by Victor Hugo Morales, the famous Argentinian journalist who was commentating for the match. Morales’ play-by-play of that goal, followed by what can only be described as fever pitched hysteria would move into history as one of the most recognized monologues of all time. The English translation is included at the end of the blast for your enjoyment.

    For this play, Maradona made a move down the right wing to receive a pass. Upon receipt, everybody assumed he was about to pass off to one of his teammates. However, two Englishmen closed in, blocking the passing lanes and getting within a few feet of the ball. What happened next became legend. Maradona switched directions and somehow threaded the needle between the two opponents, then set off to the races, juking and passing three more defenders on a 60 yard dash. With the English keeper sprinting out to cut off the angle and with two defenders hanging on his back, Maradona, at full speed, faked left a step, causing the keeper to fall, then scored. GOOOOOAAAALLLLL!

    The Thang:

    Partner up. 1st Round
    P1 dribbles soccer ball at full speed 30 yards to marker; Completes 86 LBC’s; sprints back with ball (total 60 yards)
    P2 holds flutter kicks for duration; flapjack

    2nd Round
    P1 dribbles full speed to marker; Completes 86 hand releases without merkin; sprints back
    P2 holds mission impossible plank for duration; flapjack

    3rd Round
    P1 dribbles full speed to marker; Completes 86 high knees; sprints back
    P2 holds Al Gore’s for duration; flapjack
    *screaming various soccer terms in multiple languages was encouraged

    Notables:
    – The 2.0’s, Coyote and Pope laid waste to the thang. Sonic (2.0 a la Goats), at five years old, made YHC look downright silly.
    – Lil’ Cuz continued to show his athletic versatility
    – Paradiddle quietly and efficiently dominated. I might be crazy, but I swear that guy never stopped smiling the entire beatdown. Beastmode.
    – Our north Louisiana Pax, Enron and Paradox, who claimed to know nothing about soccer, showed some seriously legit dribbling skills. In fact, Enron, YHC’s partner, got off the poop list due to his speedy rounds and minimizing my Al Gore time.

    (As Paradox and YHC reached the first half mile during our pre-thang, our pace was already at a sub 8 minute mile…AHHHHH. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.)

    Thang 3: Geese and Goats and Crabs and Bears, Oh My!

    That’s right, a soccer themed beatdown would not be complete without a crab-bear soccer match. The pitch was set at roughly 20 yards by 10 yards, using portable drilling goals on either side. Pax split into teams, the P1s and P2s from the previous thang. All pax started in bear. No hands allowed and you have to stay in some sort of plank. This last rule was VERY loosely interpreted, but it only added to the chaos. When one team scored, all Pax switched to crabs, while the team that was scored on did 5 burpees.

    Goal 1 came in the second minute. Wet Tap (P2s) deflected a pass across the middle from Enron (P1s). Playing stellar defense all day, Paradox (P1s) somehow managed to clear it out of their defensive third, sending a long ball to Goose (P2s) who was waiting at the top of the key, defending our goal. In a moment of confusion, Goose lost control of the ball and in a desperate attempt to kick it out of bounds, instead launched it into his own goal. He showed the appropriate amount of remorse.
    – P1s lead 1 to nil.

    Goal 2 came in the 6th minute off of the acrobatic play of Lil Cuz (P1s). The jiu jitsu training continues to manifest itself in the most incredible ways. I refer you, Dear Reader, to the History of Baseball Part 1 Beatdown, when he duck SPRINTED nearly 20 yards to make a diving catch. Was he offsides? Did he abandon his crab walk position? We’ll never know. Instant replay was not available and Goose was not prepared to use up one of his challenge flags. All we know is that Paradiddle was stealthily serving balls from the flank all game long. The result is the same.
    – P1s 2 – P2s Goose Egg.

    Goal 3 came in the 9th minute with 20 seconds remaining on the clock. Allow me to set the stage. There had been many attempts from Goose and other P2s to get the ball down to YHC in the offensive third. However, after YHC bungled nearly every opportunity, the focus shifted to Wet Tap (P2s), Sonic, and Pope. At this time, I should mention that the primary source of frustration for YHC and the P2s was a wily, smiling, and smack talking Coyote. Coyote was easily the defensive MVP for the P1s, fearless and seemingly everywhere at once. Prior to the leadup of the play development was a Paradox induced scrum that dragged Goats and YHC into the mix. The Homer (not Houma) style is strong, stubborn, and methodical. As a result the ball was moved back to mid field and cleared out of bounds. Like Batman and the Joker, Paradox and Goats showed what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. A fifth dimension opens up. Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing Goats at the Coffeteria. Somebody should look into that.

    THEN…a throw-in to YHC, who passed to the middle, but it was redirected to the flank. I could not see who it was in the mud and mist (perhaps, Pope), but the abstract mirage crossed the ball back into the middle yards away from the goal. The noise of the faithful began to rise, a crescendo of madness and delirious hope. Bodies swarmed to the middle like wolves as the ball soared through the air to its intended target. Suddenly a player leapt up above the pack. He was airborne and fully horizontal. Time stood still. Wet Tap finally believed Morpheus…HE was indeed the ONE. Wet Tap (P2s) ripped a massive scissor kick. Coyote’s knees buckled as he tried desperately to change course. It was too little, too late. The sound of the ball being swallowed in the back of the net cut through the hysterical tension…then a millisecond of terrifying silence just before the Pax erupted into an ear splitting frenzy of insanity. GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!

    – Final Score: P1s 2 – P2s 0

    Interlude 2: When Pele Met Freddie

    To the tune of Bicycle Race by Queen, Pax did 4 minutes of ab work. Q’s choice on ab exercises with Freddie Mercury’s on the refrain. Per Paradox’s feedback, YHC is still working on his Freddie Merc form.

    Mary to The Core!

    5 minutes of plank work, Q’s choice. Low plank, high plank, high side, low side, Nolan Ryan’s, Mission Impossibles, ALL WHILE doing alternating leg lifts and extended holds on leg lift in each plank position. YHC did not truly appreciate how hard this was going to be. I am proud that the Pax uttered NOT a word of mumblechatter (or audible to YHC at least).

    Mosey back to the flag, COT, and Wet Tap Armando Maradona prayed us out.

    Every opportunity to Q is another blessing. I am grateful for the trust, the humility, and of course the chatter.

    SYITHG,

    Yankee GOOOOAALLLLL

    (Paradox and YHC ran a 7:23 mile during pre-thang.)

    As promised, the commentating of Maradona’s Goal of the Century

    He’s going to pass it to Diego, there’s Maradona with it, two men on him,
    Maradona steps on the ball, there he goes
    down the right flank
    the genius of world football, he leaves the wing and he’s going to pass it to Burruchaga…
    Still Maradona! Genius! Genius! Genius!
    There, there, there, there, there, there!
    Goaaaaaaaal! Goaaaaaaal!
    I want to cry, oh holy God, long live football! What a goal! Diegoal! Maradona! It is to cry for, excuse me! Maradona, in a memorable run, in the best play of all times!
    Cosmic kite, which planet did you come
    from, to leave so many Englishmen
    behind, for the country to be a clenched
    fist crying for Argentina? Argentina 2,
    England 0!
    Diegoal, Diegoal, Diego Armando
    Maradona!
    Thank you, God, for football, for
    Maradona, for these tears, for this
    Argentina 2, England 0

  • Make it STOP! – from Goose

    YHC rolled in at 5:28 after a wild goose chase at home trying to locate Anker, who had been commandeered by a gosling at some point yesterday and left in the garage. There were already five PAX gathered at the Stage, but YHC only had eyes for one: Yankee Joe. I had assumed he was still at home on IR, weeping into his cereal, so to see him out there with his shiny sweatshirt and shiny head, YHC quickly lost sight of the other PAX and embraced him like a a prodigal son. The rest were a bit indignant, like the older brother in the parable, but the Montana-led warmup and the late arrival of Goats quickly brought plenty enough distraction.

    Montana, having had his first free hit of Q-drenaline not too long ago, was predictably jonesing for more, and last night he was trying to find a way to get another hit ASAP. YHC agreed to let him Q the warmup and Mary this morning on the condition that he practiced his intros and cadences in the mirror for at least 30 minutes last night. It helped…a little.

    After a warmup of most of the usual, a bumper mosey, and plenty of mumblechatter, which Montana plowed through with admirable fortitude, it was time to STOP and STOP hard.

    The Thang: Love for the lonely STOP sign

    YHC recently observed that the STOP sign on the far side of the parking lot may as well not even be there. No one ever goes in that direction, except for YHC on the way home from beatdowns, so no one ever looks him in the eye (or the “O”). Well, this morning would be different. It was his day.

    Phase 1:
    PAX would complete 820 reps consisting of 8 different exercises for 100 reps and 2 sets of 10 8-count body builders in honor of his 8 even sides and his 2 characteristic colors. The eight exercises would start with the four letters of his name, in two sets.

    The first set–(including a run to go high five the STOP sign between each exercise)
    -Shoulder Taps x100 (1:1)
    -Toe Taps x100 (1:1) (plank position–one hand reach through and bring opposite foot up to tap)
    -Overhead Air Presses x100
    -Plank Jacks x100
    Seal the deal with 8-count Body Builders x10

    8-count rest from Montana, then the Second Set (also including the high-five run between each exercise):
    -Side Straddle Hops x100
    -Toe Touches x100 (warmup exercise: bend over straight-legged and touch toes, then up to touch waist, then hands up high and heel raise–all in fluid motion. Dizziness was a factor after about 75.)
    -One Hundreds x100 (Lazy Boy position with hands pointed down toward legs, and flutter hands 100 times)
    -Prisoner Squats x100 (that’s right–hands behind head and do squats, 100 times in a row)
    Another round of 8-count Body Builders x10 to get us to 820 total reps.

    Phase 2:
    Songs to honor the power and dignity of the word “STOP”.

    First, “Stop Your Sobbing” by the Pretenders: flutter kick position, and hold static, but flutter every time you hear the word “Stop” (over 40 times in a 2.5 minute song)

    Second, “Stop in the Name of Love” by The Supremes: Imperial Walkers for the duration, burpees on every “Stop” and “Think it over”.

    There was supposed to be a third, but we ran out of time because YHC’s cell service decided to crap out after the first song. Thankfully, Yankee Joe came to the rescue for the second song with his foreign device, which somehow was still able to connect to well-known services such as Spotify.

    We only had enough time for a couple of minutes of Mary, which was providential since we definitely didn’t get enough of Montana’s leadership and were jonesing for more. That insane two minutes of Mary made it clear that another Montana Q is an absolutely necessity ASAP, even if that means enduring sky bunny murder makers.

    Had a blast this morning, guys (and I’m already feeling the aftermath). Thanks for pushing through, and for the light-heartedness at the beginning of the day. Loved it and needed it!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • There is Only 1 First Time – from Goose

    There is only 1, first time

    We arrived at the stage to an eager group of Pax, ending up with 8 in total. I had the que adrenaline flowing as each man who joined will be a part of my F3 journey as my first que. Humbled by the excitement and wishing for mumble chatter to test my “one liners of fear” that I have been practicing we began. I tried to view this que thru the eyes of the gunny drill Sargent from full metal jacket. I digress but full disclosure if you would of told me I would be in the gloom doing this a yr ago I would of called u a liar but this has been an amazing group thank each of u.

    Warm up: the usual with the add on of “Moroccan self love” and Enron wishing upon a shooting star.

    Thang 1: a true Dora 1,2,3 with partner taking a lap while other worked on getting 100 merkin 200 LBC and 300 flutter kicks

    Thang 2: Burpee Big Boy Ladder 11s with “Murder Maker” transports
    10 burpee then murder maker (murder bunny man maker combos) across the field 1 big boy and walk the coupon home. We repeated till assistant que Yankee Faux called for me at 6:09

    Mary til 6:15 the usuals with a goose add on so he can get a taste of the YHC power to finish off his work week.

    Enron prayed us out and it was an amazing and humbling moment getting to do this with u guys.

    YHC Wilford Montana

    #goose #paradox #yankeeFAUX #enron #fencepost #fireinthehole #cardinal #wilfordMontana
    #thestage

  • 2 Year Manniversary of F3 Thibodaux! A Brief History of F3 Down the Bayou – from Goose

    The highly anticipated day had arrived. Costumes were donned, and the gloom was dark. So dark, in fact, that Paradox, fully decked out in unlicensed Jack Sparrow gear, did a full Helen Keller on an FNG, hands all over his face saying, “Goose, Goose is that you?” just because the guy showed up in a grayish Tundra. The FNG was accomodating, and YHC did show up a little later, overjoyed at the PAX’s costumes and their total disregard for how they’d fare in the rain, the dirt, and through at least 100 burpees. From giant furry vikings to skin tight Moana characters to full size pickles, these dudes were all in. Thankfully, God delayed the rain for a few hours, so the weather was perfect and the morale was super high (made even higher by Head Cheese’s dramatic entrance). We had record numbers at The Peltch, coffeeteria planned for the first time, and 2 years of an unprecedented journey to tromp through–it was an awesome morning!
    Warmup of the usual with last minute costumers trickling in (Picadilly’s pickle balls were amazing, even if they fell off during the first set of mountain climbers). PAX grabbed coupons out the truck, and we were off toward the lower field for the First Era of F3 Thibodaux: Goose-olation

    Era 1: The Genesis of the Beginning, The Dawn of the Origins, Part I
    Goose arrives in Thibodaux from Mandeville with nothing but a list of backblasts from NOLA, Northshore and BR. He couldn’t stop the progress, though, and had high hopes for what might develop. So, the backyard would have to do. For months, what drove him on was knowing that F3 brethren somewhere had already sweat through whatever beatdown he had pulled from the backblast list, so he wasn’t completely “alone”.
    The routine for this era would be The Big Bang:
    All PAX start in a bunch huddled around the coupons. First round, grab a coupon, do 5 OH presses, then mosey 10 steps out from the pack and do 10 burpees (facing outward for max isolation) before returning and plank up for the six.
    2nd round: 5 OH presses, mosey 15 steps out, 15 merkins
    3: 5 OH presses, 20 steps, 20 burpees
    4: 5 OH presses, 25 steps, 25 Hammers
    It’s a reality that pushing alone is way harder than pushing together, and the contrast was felt. Glad to move onto Era 2.

    Era 2: Random pop-ups
    The first to follow the dancing idiot into the madness was technically Cardinal, though he wasn’t seen again for many months (quoted as saying something like “that’s for the birds”). So, Wet Tap gets T-claps for coming out unaccompanied to throw himself into whatever Goose and his Goslings were doing out at Peltier. Then came Gordon, G.I. Joe, and Percolator, though because of work schedules and getting over the initial hump, attendance was random.
    This seemed a great opportunity for the randomness of the Deck of Death, so Wet Tap started us out under the Thunderdome with a random pull followed by three more (Irkins, Bulgarian split squats, and whatever those other two were…). Then, for the sake of time, we moseyed to the baseball field.

    Era 3: Enron
    Goose’s isolation, especially on weekdays, changed unexpectedly with the arrival of Enron. With the dogged determination and willingness to endure pain that only a younger brother could posses, Enron showed up to every beatdown he could and pushed himself hard to keep up with Goose. This quickly led to intense progress and his VQ (alone at The Peltch–for character building). His determination has never slowed, and his Q’s are well thought out (and typed out), usually including some sort of element of chance (for Cardinal).
    PAX partnered up for a grinder as a reminder of all those mornings at The Stage with just Goose and Enron. Split duty on 100 burpees at home plate while partner 2 runs the bases.

    Era 3: Return of the EH (and Crab Walk) King
    Cardinal eventually did return, and not only did he stick with it, even on weekdays, but the PAX quickly began to swell with his FNG’s, and his move to Chackbay has only widened his EH territory.
    The exercise would be Bear Crawl Tag Infection–Cardinal started at the pitchers mound and bear crawled around tagging the PAX, who were crab walking to get away within the confines of the infield. Once someone was tagged, he became part of the cult, switched to bear crawl, and began tagging the rest of the sad clowns (crabwalkers). It took no time for all to be tagged, ironically with Head Cheese being the last…So, we moseyed to The Chimney for Era 4.

    Era 4: Paradox
    As soon as Paradox even heard there was an F3, he had purchased tiny Mudgear shorts and within minutes had memorized the entire Exicon and the last 100 backblasts from the top 5 regions. And, his foot has never let off the gas. This next routine would be a nod to his name (you know, cuz he’s a doctor, and his wife is also a doctor, so they’re a pair-o-docs…), and to a couple of his Peltch Q’s.
    Partner up, both partners do 10 burpees, then one partner body drags another about 20 yards to the chimney, both do 10 more burpees, then flapjack and body drag the other back to start. This is where Paradox’s mustache exploded (the remainder of his facial hair) which made him Orlando Bloom’s character instead (props to Lil’ Cuz for that observation).

    Era 5: Lumen Christi
    Earlier this year Cardinal was able to talk a few of the young men who worked at the chancery with he and YHC to come out to a new beatdown on Tuesday mornings at Lumen Christ, the retreat center behind the chancery (with showers and everything). It was a glorious AO with a great crew, and some of the Thibodaux PAX would show up every now and then, too. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t last as the retreat schedule filled up (I guess it seemed a little less retreat-ish to have a bunch of sweaty dudes bear crawling down the hill to the Top Gun soundtrack or Indian running past the windows with cinder blocks over their heads).
    In a nod to Tighty Whitey (may he never be forgotten) and Enron’s near death experience at Lumen, we did Welsh Dragons up to 7, followed by a mosey to the playground.

    Era 6: SV 500
    The St. Vincent was arguably the best F3 fundraiser in the country (and maybe the world) for 2022 (and maybe for all time, past and future). Thanks to Paradox’s leadership and the buy-in of the rest of the PAX, it went off beautifully, tons of people attended, we had an incredible time, and we surpassed our goal of $10K for prescription meds for people in need. In honor if this incredibly blessed experience, we partnered up again for a quick Dora in honor of the partner race that raised the bar for many years to come.
    Partners would split duty on 100 flutter kicks on the playground side of the “mountain” while partner 2 ran over the “mountain” and did 10 Big Boy Situps on the other side and ran back. Then, moseyed back to the Thunderdome for the final eras.

    Era 7: Jerftember
    Yankee Joe’s arrival came and went like many who get a first taste of F3, puke, and don’t come back. But he did come back after about a month, puked some more, and became hopelessly addicted to growth. The Jerf was born out of this deep desire for more and more growth, and it opened a new era of Thibodaux PAX ownership, comradery, accountability, and WHOOP pressure. It also gave birth to BAPS, who still hasn’t fully proven himself.
    In honor of the Jerf, PAX lined up on the baseline under the Thunderdome for one full round of Jerfing. The sound of 17 PAX dropping cinder blocks onto concrete under an echoing pavillion is truly a glorious thing.

    Era 8: IPC and Burptober
    With one minute remaining, YHC led the PAX in 3 Kraken Burpees in honor of the unprecedented Week 5 of IPC and to finish out the 100 burpees needed for the second to last day of Burptober.

    Moseyed back to the flag, all still in full costume, for an incredible COT and our first ever coffeeteria. Fence Post was named (Welcome!!), Cue Ball was welcomed (originally from F3 Huntsville), and tables, donuts, too much coffee, and raw eggs were laid out under the trees. Conversation was awesome as the PAX rejoiced in the incredible blessing that F3 has been and the unrepeatable gift that each man has been to the whole group. The high from that morning has lasted for multiple days now, and it spilled over into record breaking numbers at The Stage this morning (including Fence Post!). Looking forward to the many years to come!

    See You In The Gloom,
    Goose

  • Burplevensies and Humple Pie – from Goose

    Another impromptu Tuesday morning at The Stage meant getting some quality time with Enron and Yankee Joe, and YHC was very much looking forward to that. Though, after crafting the beatdown last night, YHC was not looking forward to the down painment that it would require.
    After a few weeks of coming up with creative ways to get 100 burpees done in every beatdown, YHC still felt like he had some steam for putting together something new. This time, it would be “Burplevensies”.
    After a warmup of the usual (with some verbal wondering if we need to shake things up a bit, then really appreciating the fruits of the exercises we keep doing) including the now-typical mountain climbers and a bumper mosey, we lined up at the grass.

    Thang 1: Burplevensies
    Elevens with burpees on both sides. That’s right, both sides. The total would be 110, but to space things out a bit and add some variety, the transportation (25-ish yards) would change with every round. So, it would go like this:
    -10 burpees, bear crawl, 1 burpee, bear crawl back
    -9, carioca, 2, carioca
    – crab walk
    – nur
    – duck walk
    – side shuffle
    – bunny hop
    – mosey
    – frog hop
    – high-knee skip
    The pre-warmup mumblechatter included conversation about the men who haven’t posted in a while, and it was said about one guy, “I don’t think he ever really got over the hump.” Well, as we were reminded this morning, if we’re doing F3 right, we never really “get over the hump”. We’re always bumping up against our limitations. Pride at our “arrival” or some sort of measure of progress isn’t really doable when it’s always something different and we’re always humbled by having to dig deeper than we pictured. This is why I’m so grateful for F3–because this experience pulls us out of ourselves in a way that makes us strong, united, and joyfully self-deprecating as opposed to proud, isolated, and afraid of failure. Humple pie tastes so good! (Well, maybe not right away.)

    This was followed by a nice, long recovery mosey around Rich Man’s loop (the mumblechatter was minimal due to the need to conserve oxygen) and back to The Stage for about seven minutes of Mary: Wife Pleasers, LBC’s, Leg Raises, Hello Dollys, Nolan Ryans, and Penguins.

    Solid COT and YHC prayed us out. Super grateful for this morning, despite having to take a break on my way up one flight of stairs at the office!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Support Group for JBL – from Goose

    Still on a high from the convergence (and the van ride to and from the convergence) and the promise of a Kilo appearance, a record 8 PAX converged upon The Stage, mostly to console Paradox after what should not be mentioned (again) on record. But, I’ll go ahead and mention it anyway–JBL, in his opportunity of a lifetime performance, came up short. Really short. Thankfully, Coyote was there to make it all worth it and save the Thibodaux PAX’s convergence Q from total disaster, but JBL will never be the same.

    Warmup: the usual plus the pre-burpee mountain climbers, and the feel of 8 men in the circle at The Stage was awesome. YHC allowed some gloves to fall from his pocket instigating questions since there were no coupons in sight. (There was already some suspicion of a potential setup with some deep, devious plan devised by Anker to slowly and methodically break down the competition from within.)

    After the warmup, YHC suggested that all should retrieve gloves from their vehicles, and all were able to do so…blue and white ones…all of them. Burpees in the street was on the menu, and YHC knew that this particular street is a cheese shredder for human flesh.

    The Thang (Part 1) was a mosey around Rich Man’s Loop with 5 burpees EMOM for 10 minutes. Minutes seemed shorter than normal, but all kept up well enough, and 50 burpees were in the books.

    Part 2 consisted of three songs from the F3 Burpeepalooza list created a couple of years back for Make America Burpee Again, and these songs were chosen because they hadn’t yet been used much this year, and because their total burpees added up to 50.

    First: Red Solo Cup–overhead claps for the duration and burpees for every “Cup” and “Up” (total of 25)
    Second: This is Who I Am by Third Day–LBC’s for the duration and burpees for every “This is who I Am” (total of 12)
    Third: Get Back Up Again by Toby Keith (dedicated to JBL)–high knee skips (or “Running Man” skips if you’re Lil’ Cuz, or just trip over yourself if you’re Enron or Montana) for the duration, and burpees for every “Get Back Up Again” (total of 13)

    Part 3 was a 7 of Diamonds/4 Corners–add an exercise at every corner
    1. 7 merkins
    2. 7 merkins, 14 Bonnie Blairs
    3. The above plus 21 Big Boy Situps
    4. The above plus 28 Monkey Humpers
    The legs were done by the second corner, but all powered through with minimal grumbling.

    Part 4: Speed and Agility
    1. Sprint to the sidewalk and Nur back
    2. Carioca there and back (Also known as “Staring into One Another’s Eyes While Dancing”)
    3. Side shuffle there and back
    4. Bunny Hop there and mosey back (YHC was impressed by the effort on this one)

    Mary (IC): Freddy Merc x 31, Leg Raises x 15

    COT and Paradox prayed us out. Thanks for making it 8 STRONG this morning! It was awesome to have Kilo back and to offer prayers and camaraderie for his first day at the new job! And only six more days of burpees!
    SYITG,
    Goose