F3 New Orleans

Tag: Wilford Montana

  • It Was Only A Mile – from Paradox

    Journal entry
    Feb 17, 2024
    An eventful morning on the Farm

    My family has lived on this property out along Hwy 1 since around WW2 and most mornings I follow a strict but enjoyable routine. Up just before the sun rises over the cane fields , I brew a pot of coffee and check the weather. Then I enjoy a quiet morning with my thoughts, some prayer and maybe even a good book.

    But this morning …this morning my routine was , well, I’ll put it politely and say it was disturbed. You see, shortly after the weatherman informed me that today’s forecast was not fit for man nor beast , well I heard just that. A man , my nephew, in the yard hollering at some sort of animal. On closer inspection out my kitchen window it was no beast making these noises but a hybrid redneck dialect being emitted from another human he insisted on calling a paradox. He was in a truck loaded nose to tail with tents and tables like Jed Clampett. “Shoot fire Yankee this is a mighty fine residence, hope tha skeeters ain’t neer bad as the peltch last beatdown” he said while looking around the farm. I expected him to have no teeth at all but he only seemed to be lacking inseam in his shorts. A paradox indeed.

    To my amazement, my nephew, the one he kept calling Yankee, seemed to know and welcome him and they began putting out cones and yard signs in a cold rain storm just happier than two pigs in the sunshine. Things were getting quite strange here , and little did I know it was just the beginning.

    By 7:15 the rain had let up but the floodgates of middle aged men with knee braces and headbands were now wide open. Short , tall, thick , thin, they all piled in helping setup a flooded tent and passing around gold baun sticks and theraguns. Some dressed for the weather while others invested in Himalayan technology to keep there mammary glands chafe free. There seemed to be no distinction in vehicle either as they stepped from punisher Tundras or eco friendly wagons. They greeted old friends with butt slaps and elbow taps yelling obscenities like FracSac and Goosey. Quite frankly , I don’t even care to know why a Hawg would even need a cycle. This ceremony continued until there were dang near 30 of them loitering around our property! I had the authorities dialed up when I was informed they had gathered on purpose AND for a charity cause AND my nephew had actually planned on them being here! Tomfoolery! The very definition!

    I settled back into my armchair to take a breather. That’s when the foghorn went off …and they started running.

    The first one I saw break away from the pack looked like he had been taken right off the cover of one of those running magazines. A stride so Smooth you would swear he was standing still but hard to reconcile that with the 1/2 mile lead he had most of the day.

    Behind him were 3-4 others seemingly using this gazelle as a pace car and weighing options that he couldn’t keep that pace all day..right..right?! (He would)

    They had one young enough to be 15 with spring loaded rubber for legs and others flexing the scars of midlife ,held together with bioflex and gorilla glue.

    Behind this second group were the real rabble rousers. A pack of 10-15 wild dogs complete with mobile tunes, homemade JV shirts and promises every turn that “I think this is it for me boys..wink, wink”

    A few ringleaders in this pack but the real Don Corleone was a highlighter vested gentleman they all called Popeye. He was not blazing land speed records but something about the way he set his jaw let any observer know he wouldn’t be denied his mileage goal.

    They all hit the first corner in site of the quarter mile cone and stared down a cold and wet 15mph headwind, lovely. Gosh I wonder if any of them had cozy pickleball scheduled today.

    In between miles I saw various strategies of recharge. Some gorged calories , others walked it out , and some stood still contemplating the next lap. Many of these hooligans searched for a man who I guessed to be their local shaman but lap after lap he wore many more hats (and one whistle) . One part coach , one part field general, his intimate knowledge of the men was palpable . Some he pushed harder, others he let down easy, both equally effective in getting his men’s best effort. He delivered speeches to ward off ego and checked joints for oil leakage like a seasoned mechanic. With a firm nod or a head turned grin he communicated his trust. This was a leader of high impact men from any viewpoint. He whistled and they ran. They ran and he whistled.

    The wind blew. The socks got wet, got swapped out and got wet again. Many met their goal mileage, passed it and kept on churning. By about 11am most having exceeded a half marathon at this point, most took a bowl of delicious pastalaya and continued to cheer on the rest.

    By around 2pm there were 4 still running . And when I thought I had heard it all one yelled “back the cones up” and they took off for one last trip, this time for 1.2 miles. The gazelle in front still as fresh as mile 1 but that ole hawg wasn’t far behind. They all knew he had a little sand left in those bags. The third man was a true bewilderment. His physique suggesting he could walk on as an NFL tight-end but his running demeanor at mile 26 was simply unbothered. The redneck brought up the rear and surely he thought there was a bud light promotion for finishers. (there wasn’t, but a Coors from a friend was even better)

    The gazelle found the finish line first only a second in front of the hawg and the artist they called Tana only a furlong after that.

    And as the miles piled up I pondered to myself “why would they do something so utterly stupid “. With time on my hands, as the trucks loaded with tents and boxes dispersed , I came to three potential conclusions.

    Was it fitness driving them ?

    Surely this looked plausible as some had clear physical gifts and several maintained peak cardio strain. Were these average Yankee Jeaux’s striving to be Americas Best athletes? Unlikely. But I can only say it seemed the fitness got them here, but it was not the reason they stayed for more. An appetizer of sorts, maybe stellar quads is just the byproduct ….so I kept searching.

    Were they just here to fellowship? Some signs pointed in this direction. As soon as I saw the Solo Stove fire pit I knew a high fluting party was in full swing. This crew obviously knew how to have a good time and the verbal assaults flying along with answered grins of disdain indicated enjoyment of each others company. I’m Closer to the mark here but…but no. Not quite the primary driving factor I could sense.

    So if they weren’t fitness professionals and most would think a better party is available at any other watering hole then what’s left ?!

    Hidden amongst the laps, intertwined between these fun loving family men, was the intrinsic need to put ones own pain aside. To combine that suffering with the brother next to him and have it all be for something much larger than themselves. That’s why they ran. Every step counted , every lap mattered. It was “only a mile” they said to each other .

    But it seemed like so much more.

    This was a fine day.

    Postscript

    Congrats to NOLA’s Smooth for winning the first annual IOAM! See ya next to year to defend .

    Second place – The OG sandbagger himself Mr. Hawgcycle

    Third place – Wilford Montana – forged in the fires of deep Bourg pickleball this was truly impressive brother!

    To all that ran today (and one that whistled), thank you for your time , effort and commitment to raise money for several great causes today and during RCR.

    Thanks to Rudy for the ground support and motivation. You really stepped RCR up this year!

    Special Thanks to Enron and Bourgeois Meat Market for the awesome lunch!

    As usual artistic liberties were taken in portrayal of backblast characters but Reluctant Yankee and his family were overwhelmingly gracious hosts . Huge thanks to his family for having us invade their Saturday!

    It’s a privilege to lead.

    SYITG

    Paradox

  • How The Goose Stole PAXmas, Vol. 2 – from Yankee Joe

    Following the PAXville beatdown this morning, Goose and Popeye were discussing mental toughness. That point where you are up against the wall, begging for the pain to end…for someone to save you. Popeye commented, “Well, it’s got to end at some point.” Through the endorphins kicking and my legs destroyed by humping monkeys, I was reminded of a similar sentiment.

    In 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven, a Navy Seal, delivered a commencement speech at The University of Texas. No doubt, many of you are familiar with it. Adm. McRaven shared 10 lessons he learned from BUDS training, considered the most grueling trials the military has to offer. He shared these as advice to help the young graduates “change the world.” If you haven’t watched it, you should. The link is below.

    All of the lessons are relatable to civilian life, but it was #10 that most stood out to me. The lesson discussed a brass bell that hung in the center of the BUDS training facility, visible to all of the candidates.

    McRaven said, “All you have to do to quit is ring the bell.

    Ring the bell, and you no longer have to wake up at five o’clock.

    Ring the bell and you no longer have to be in the freezing cold swims.

    Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT, and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training.

    All you have to do is ring the bell to get out.

    If you want to change the world, DON’T EVER, EVER RING THE BELL.”


    ——————–

    Without hesitation, each of you, the Men of F3 Thibodaux, personify this idea. And perhaps none more than our stalwart Goose. F3 has a term, “IM3,” which is a Man’s statement to the PAX that “I AM THIRD.” The idea of ‘living third’ means that as men, we deliberately place ourselves third behind God and our Community (including our families).

    When I started F3, it was about ME. I needed to get in shape. I needed an outlet. I needed to fit into my pants. I needed to make friends…like real adult, male friends.

    I needed…something.

    I believe Goose’s vision of F3 teaches us that those needs, while they may be important, only matter when they are pursued by virtue of servant leadership. As men, there can be no greater call than to love God through serving our families and our community.

    In this light, ‘never ringing the bell’ is not about working through our own pain, nor is it about serving our own needs. Rather, it is a decision to put our oxygen mask on first before assisting others.

    Our strength comes not from ‘Man Makers’, Goblet Squats, or Thrusters (well maybe for Wet Tap). By ringing the bell, we would give up on far more than just ourselves. The stakes are too high. It’s an awesome and terrifying charge.

    Of course, no man can do it alone, and that is where God and each of you come in. Every beatdown, every exercise, every rep, every prayer…I am surrounded by humble warriors who REFUSE to quit. Not for your own sakes, but for the call you CHOSE to answer.

    Goose, you are the definition of a servant leader. It would be impossible to describe the impact you have had on so many of us (cardboard cutouts of your likeness not excluded). Besides…your humility wouldn’t tolerate the praise anyway.

    Instead, I’ll just say, thank you. Thank you from all of us…for never, EVER ringing the bell.

    ——————–

    Last Stanzas from Today’s Story:

    “Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
    Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!

    And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
    The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!

    From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
    Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their family

    Though – from the HEART of the BayoU, he soon will move on

    In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll still carry on.

    Merry Christmas!

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux

    ——————–

    The Ridiculous Beatdown

    Warmarama

    SSHs
    Abe Vigodas (slow windmills) – Prancer is a terrible movie, btw.
    Arm circles
    Squats
    Imperial Squat Walkers
    Self Love
    Shark hops
    Partners
    Mosey to baseball field, bring coupons

    ——————–

    Tribute to Anker (For Unto Us a Child Is Born – Handel)

    “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).

    Burpees on: Son, Child, Wonderful, Counselor, God, Father, Prince of Peace (approx. 43 burpees)

    Thang 1: Goose Training Camp

    – Narration #1 (this was far toooo long)

    Dora’s
    – P1 runs
    – P2 J’Lo’s, Plank Jacks, Mountain Climbers, chilcutt peter parkers
    – Flapjack
    – Four sets
    Mosey to playground

    Roof Crawling Practice
    – P1 bear crawl to other side of hill; at bottom, 20 derkins; traverse the apparatus, go down the slide, mosey back to partner
    – P2 does Genuflects
    – Flapjack
    Mosey to PAXville

    ——————–

    Thang 2: The Looting of Paxville

    – Narration #2

    House 1 – “Smooth Like Honey(suckle)” Home of the Smoothie Sting
    – AMRAP
    – P1 Nur to cone, sprint back
    – P2 monkey humpers
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 2 – “Dr. and Mr. Owens”
    – AMRAP
    – Man Makers
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 3 – “St. Cardinal Co-Cathedral and Coffee Co.”
    – AMRAP
    – T – BOMBs (start in crab position, legs out together, legs apart, legs out together, back to crab position
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 4 – “La Casa Drogas de Tana”
    – AMRAP
    – Pickleball volley
    – 2 burpees on every dropped ball

    House 5 – “EnRon We (Don’t) Trust”
    – AMRAP
    – Thrusters
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 6 – “Eye Candy Captains, LLC” Safety First, America’s Worst
    – AMRAP
    – The Jurp (by 10’s) – bet you can’t do more than three
    – Speed squats, Merkins, Mtn Climbers, Jump squats, LBCs

    ——————–

    Thang 3: Back to the Goose cave

    – P2 rides P1, flapjack at halfway point
    – Return to start, P2 rides P1 like a donkey, flapjack at halfway point
    – Sprint to Goose cave (Peltch Treehouse)

    ——————–

    Thang 4: Paxmas came anyway

    – Narration #3
    – Sprint back to PAXville and Goose returns PAX gifts

    Goose returns presents to the Pax

    – F3 Thib – 4th Wave (Class of 2023) – Black paint coupons
    – F3 Thib – 3rd Wave – Black and Maroon coupons
    – F3 Thib 2nd Wave – Black, Gold, and/or Maroon Coupons
    OG’s – Black and White with Gold trim Coupons
    Goose – White, Black and Gold Coupon

    COT and Cardinal prayed us out

    ——————–

    How The Goose Stole PAXmas

    Narration #1 How the Goose Stole Paxmas!

    Every Pax down in Paxville liked PAXmas a lot
    But the Goose who lived just up the bayou, did not!

    The Goose hated PAXmas! The whole PAXmas season!
    Now, please don’t ask why. Pope’s athletic prowess prolly the reason.

    It could be because Goose hated the cold.
    It could be because, like his truck, he was too old.

    But I think that the most likely reason of all
    Was that his heart, like Dox’s Mudgear shorts, was three sizes too small.

    But, whatever the reason, his heart or his arthritis ,
    He stood there on PAXmas Eve ISI’ing just to spite us

    He stared down from the Stage with an indignant, head tilting view
    At the warm lighted windows along Lafourche Bayou

    For he knew every Pax down in Paxville below
    Was busy posting stupid GIF’s and jammin’ to Bieber’s Mistletoe.

    He thought of Paradox and his wife who’s a doctor
    Dox claims to be one too which shamefully mocks her.

    He thought of the drugs Montana be slingin’
    And he shuddered at the bad cadence that he always be bringin’

    The Goose remembered the Goats and some random machine
    That dude showed up for a month, never again to be seen

    Then there was Cardinal, whoop sales-man of the cloth
    But watch him fake burpees, his sins point to sloth
    But he’s a priest with no equal, becoming a Bishop is next
    But God help you, oh good Lawd help you if you send a green text.

    Wet Tap jump squatting with coupons, that’s what real men did
    He never got the memo – that Jurptober had ended.

    He thought of Lil’ Cuz, bald head shiny like the sea
    That neck like a tree trunk, like Treebeard with Gris Gris
    A patriot among patriots, you’ll oft hear him decree
    “This is ‘Merica, Jack…Yee Yee!”

    He reflected on Superfun(d) and his posts that were laggin’
    But Fun(d) redeemed himself fully, naming Jeaux’s Prius the Douche Wagon.

    In a similar way, Fence Post showed up in stints,
    But without any postin’, we’ll just call him ‘Fence’

    He hated the youngsters who thought they were wicked SMAAHHT
    But Shart-’eh got more than he bargained for…
    that time he tried to FAAHHT

    Goldilox with calves as big as your head
    He’s a really nice guy — all the PAX said
    But when the three bears tried to scare him out of the bed
    Lox made a rug out of Papa Bear instead.

    The Goose said good riddance to ‘Ol Paradiddle;
    He’s a drummer, remember…F3 was fourth fiddle.
    But woe to those who judge, you’ll make The Saturdiddle List
    Beware three inch running shorts with a mustache emerging from the mist.

    He tolerated Kilo and his twelve different ve-HICLES
    He loathed Picadilly’s balls and Tana’s subsequent pickles
    With falafels in the kitchen and the cross court dinkin’
    Piccadilly’s doing Pickle Pounders for his bio on LinkedIn

    Then there’s Safety Valve and Honeysuckle whose beatdowns we dread
    They both claim to love you then play Christopher Cross instead.
    With the nurring, burping, and merking, they leave us for dead
    Imagine a Suckle – Valve twofer —
    hey, that’s what she said.

    But what about Smooth, always working the night shift
    After pickle pounders with Kilmer, we thought he might drift
    Instead he’s founding AO’s, he’s def here to stay
    The tougher the challenge, the more you’ll hear….OhhhKAYYYY!

    Goose considered Popeye, an OG of OG’s
    Juicy like the chicken, played out like Drew Brees
    Post hernia operation, F3’s ‘Welcome Back Cotter’
    I’m sure whining about his scar, just like Harry Potter.

    Enron, he mused, seemed to always face the worst
    With his lack of rhythm and tendonitis that he constantly nursed
    But those are just the reasons, second and first
    For two SV500’s, he picked Pukee Jeaux –
    he HAS to be cursed.
    Speaking of Yankee Jeaux and his phonetics so fine,
    Did you know LILLICK is actually pronounced LIL-ITCH
    Then Ronnie – SCHREIT NEIN!

    STOP—————————————————————————–

    Narration #2 Before Lazy Dora in Paxville

    “And they’re hanging their stockings,” he snarled with a sneer.
    “Tomorrow is PAXmas! It’s practically here!”

    Then he growled, with his Goose fingers nervously drumming,
    As he sat on the toilet nervously humming
    Then he said, “I must find a way to keep PAXmas from coming!”

    “For, tomorrow, I know that ALL the PAX men
    Will wake bright and early and rush to the Den.”

    “And then the GroupMe posts! Oh, the posts! posts! posts! posts!
    There’s one thing I hate! It’s all the posts! But That I hate the most.”

    It wasn’t just the abysmal GIF game that rankled his chest
    But also the old fart snark from America’s Best.
    This dude rolled up to a PAX of F3
    WIth Dad jokes, an electric truck and, an alleged hurt knee
    Then he said, “Wait, wait there’s more –
    I LOVE an extraneous JurPEE.

    Not to be outdone, the reigning king of the “No Show”
    French Horn, apparently hornless, has no horn to blow.
    True, his 80’s knowledge is well beyond measure
    His ability to use ‘Bruhhhh’ in every sentence?
    Well that’s the real treasure.

    So the Goose sat there honking…

    “And they’ll mumble! And mumble! And they’ll chatter! Chatter! Chatter!”

    And the more the Goose thought of the Pax PAXmas Chatter,
    The more the Goose thought,
    “Is it me or am I getting fatter?”

    “Why for forty-one years I’ve put up with it now!
    I must stop PAXmas from coming! But how?”

    Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
    The Goose got a wonderful, condescending, self righteous idea!

    “I know just what to do!” The Goose laughed with a frown.
    “I’ll destroy all their dreams with a TuesdayTuff beatdown.”

    “I’ll steal F3 PAXmas, there’s no limit to how far I’ll stoop
    I’ll even find a way to kill that stupid [bleep] Whoop.”

    “What a great Goosey TRICK!” he mumbled with snarls
    I’ll do a Bleep Test…you know, like a…DICK-ENS – comma – Charles!”

    STOP ——————————————————–

    Narration #3 Redemption Arc

    It was quarter of dawn. And the Pax still a-slumber,
    Hangovers en route from Enron and Wet Tap’s Jucifer tumbler.

    He took their presents, their headbands, and even their rucksacks,
    He scoffed at their cadence, lame excuses and fartsacks!

    Ten thousand feet up – up the side of Mount Tana
    He ran like an addict on AstraZeneca manna.

    “Pooh-pooh to the Pax!” he was goosily humming.
    “They’re finding out now that no PAXmas is coming!”

    “They’re just waking up! I know just how it will go.
    Shamefully hitting snooze one time, maybe mo’
    And They’ll kick and they’ll yell from ceiling to the flo’
    Then they’ll see there’s no PAXmas, not even an AO.”

    “That’s a noise,” grinned the Goose, “that I simply must hear!”
    He paused, and the Goose put a hand to his ear.

    And he did hear a sound rising over the swamp.
    It started out slow, then it started to stomp.

    But this sound was NOT, no it was not getting madder!
    Why, this sound sounded joyful – it sounded like chatter!

    What was this incredible sound, sounding deep from the gut,
    Well Lil’ John asked Paradox the same question,
    “Turn down for What?”

    Every Pax down in Paxville, the tall and the small,
    Was posting for a PAXmas beatdown – super tight shorts and all!

    He hadn’t stopped PAXmas from coming! It came!
    After having ten kids, it came just the same!

    And the Goose, with his Goose feet paced to and fro,
    Stood puzzling and puzzling. “How could it be so?

    “It came without coupons! It came without rucksacks!
    It came without backblasts, Kool Jobs, or pinched nutsacks!”

    He honked and honked till his honker was sore.
    Then the Goose thought of something he hadn’t before.

    Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
    Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!

    And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
    The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!

    From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
    Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their family

    Though – from the HEART of the BayoU, he – soon – will – move – on

    In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll – still – carry – on.

    A Very Merry Christmas to Everyone!

  • The Samson – from Smooth Operator

    The Samson

    Attendance

    Goose

    Pope

    Yankee Jeaux

    Paradox

    Goldilox

    Wet Tap

    Americas Best

    Honey Suckle

    Safety Valve

    FNG (Tana)

    Lil Cuz

    Cardinal

    Piccadilly

    Smooth Operator

    YHC started planning this beatdown pretty much the same way I normally do. I read through the list of Saint’s feast day, I look at what happen throughout history on this day, and I read the daily mass reading for that particular day. Well, this time the 1st reading for 12/19 really stuck out to me. Judges Chapter 13 the origin story of Samson, is what YHC read. Samson happens to be the name of one of the babies YHC and his M lost a couple months ago. So, this story hit me like a ton of bricks, and I quickly read the rest of the story. You see originally, I thought about taking it easy on the PAX since I had been out of pocket for a couple of weeks, but as soon as I read this, YHC relinquished control for what was going to happen.

    YHC was allowed to switch over from day shift to night shift, on the morning of this Tuesday Tough. I even slept in a little and got to the Stage around 0430 to unload a couple tires and mauls. As YHC sat anxiously awaiting the PAX. 0505 came around and YHC was nervous, but the PAX came through for me. We were 14 strong for a brisk 40-degree Tuesday Tough.

    Warmarama

    SSH

    Imperial Walkers

    Windmills

    Arm Circles

    Cherry Pickers

    Butt Kicks

    High Knees

    A few things from the story I found inspiration from were:

    – He was consecrated a Nazirite from birth by an angel. A Nazirite is someone who will not eat or drink from the vines or strong drink, will not cut his hair, and will not touch a dead body.

    – Samson killed a lion with his bare hands.

    – He killed 30 Philistines over a riddle he gambled on.

    – He killed 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey.

    – After he was captured and had his eyes gouged out by the Philistines he pulled down a Philistine temple and killed himself and a whole lot of Philistines that were there mocking him.

    – Samson had superhuman strength when the Spirit of the Lord came upon him and brought him to victory over the Philistines.

    With those things in mind lets jump back to the workout.

    Thang 1

    The Samson

    After picking up the speaker, our coupons, and a pair of rims from Wet Tap, the Pax moseyed down to the old coupon corner for this morning’s insanity. Due to Samson killing 1030 Philistines I figured this would be a good round number of reps for the PAX as a collective to shoot for. All the PAX lined up on the first crack and awaited instruction. 1030 was divided by the total number of PAX in attendance and 77 total reps was the amount each PAX would be required to do to move to the next exercise. The PAX whom finished first could either help the slower PAX get to their number or wait for the PAX to finish and do pickle pounders since this was the sin that lead to Samson’s demise. 2 lucky PAX would be allowed to beat on a tire with a maul with all their reps counting to our total 1030. This seemed to be lost in translation from YHC and PAX and the tires became additional coupons for the likes of Wet Tap and Pope who performed admirably this morning. The PAX seemed to be mildly annoyed by the number of reps but were willing to get after it, until YHC mentioned that the first exercise was Lion Killers (Thruster) due to Samson killing a lion with his bare hands. You could have sworn that I kicked Yankee Jeaux’s cup of coffee over and took Tana’s pickle ball paddle. This response quickly caused YHC to say go and that worked pretty well to calm the storm. YHC put on some slower than I remembered music to get us through the beatdown. YHC crossed 40 when the American Beast hit 77 and begged me to let him do some of my reps. YHC let the exercise go for a couple minutes longer and allowed a couple other guys to cross the 77 rep threshold before I pulled the plug to get to part 2 of the exercise.

    Part 2 of the exercise is or mode of transport to the next street crack. Our mode of transport was moving like and inch worm with a J Lo in the middle of it. YHC calls these Delilah’s. Basically you extend your brick out as far as you can, drop your elbows on your block, perform a J Lo, and then get your feet to the edge of your block and repeat until you go past the second asphalted line in the concrete. This seemed to be less troublesome to the PAX than part one. After this came Part 3.

    Part 3 was about remembering where we came from. This means we would be running suicides all the way back to our starting spot. The thoroughbreds really shined on this part. After part 3 we would be ready for exercise 2 part 1. Note part 2 and 3 are repeated for each exercise.

    On the start of exercise 2 everyone seemed to accept the fact that we would be trying to take on the impossible… Or so I thought. YHC announced the next exercise being 77 WW3 sit ups and the ever quiet always chill Safety Valve looked at me like I had pink eye. After hearing his concern and doing a couple reps I quickly realized by golly he was right. After checking on the leader’s rep count YHC dropped the number of reps down to 25 and 25 WW2 sit-ups because he is a gracious Q. After this we performed Part 2 and Part 3 in the same manner as before.

    Exercise 3 happened to be YHC’s favorite exercise and would tie nicely into the theme of this beatdown. Man makers with a donkey kick was on the agenda, but due to time restrictions YHC cut out the donkey kicks. The donkey kicks were in there because Samson, filled with the Spirit of the Lord, killed 1000 Philistines with a jawbone of a donkey. Once YHC announced the exercise Boss Man Goose had a safety briefing on how to do a correct man maker, which gave YHC a chance to catch some wind since it seemed to not want to stay in the lunges. After this, YHC experienced some tremendous feats, such as Pope and Wet Tap knocking out the reps with tires instead of coupons and Cardinal and Dilly pushing their bodies to the limit and giving 100% effort. All in all, a couple people reached 77 and we quickly moved into Part 2. Part 3 was cut out due to time, so we wasted no time in jumping into exercise 4.

    Exercise 4 was a spur of the moment decision, and it was a good one. Coupon swings were called out and we did coupon swings till 0600. After this we hustled back to the Stage to count off.

    Once at the Stage we counted off. Lil Cuz announced he was feeling very Samsonish which tells YHC that a Part 2 will be needed for this saga. During COT we talked about RunCajunRun coming up and Saturday, Yankee Joe and Tana are having rival Christmas Q’s. For more information contact Tana, and Yankee. After this Pope prayed us out. This beatdown for me was all about putting your trust in God to give you the strength to get through what seems to be impossible. Just like Samson, we need to turn to God and trust his plan. Either good or bad outcome, God will get us through.

    Thanks for coming along with me fellas

    SYITG,

    Smooth Operator

  • “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything” – from America’s Best

    Disclaimer: Those who have admitted to not seeing “Back to the Future” may some may experience significant shade during this backblast. Reader discretion advised.

    YHC loves time travel. Whether it melts your brain (Primer), or rots your brain (Hot Tub Time Machine), YHC will watch it. And in most of these tropes, there are plenty of numbers, pseudoscience, and doing something, going back (Jack) and doing it again– much like an F3 beatdown.
    And so today, just after the 68th anniversary of the day Doc Brown hit his head on his toilet and devised the Flux Capacitor, the PAX joined the ranks of Bill and Ted, and time travelled.
    The pioneer, at least in YHC’s mind, was Marty McFly, so this beatdown was themed on his first foray into the past.
    We start in present day (1985), will travel to 1955, and then hopefully, back to the present again. As everyone (except Enron) knows, we need two things in order to travel: 88 MPH, and 1.21 Gigawatts.

    Thang 1: Time travel from 1985 to 1955
    M= 0.88 miles
    P= 88 Peter Parkers
    H= 88 Hillbilly Squats

    This was knocked out as we ran/nar, answering random time travel/BTTF trivia (including BTTF music trivia). Montana impressed with his knowledge of the future (2015).
    Upon returning to the flag area, the PAX quickly knocked out a round of 21s (curls) which represented the necessary 1.21 gigawatts of power. And like that, we were in 1955.

    Thang 2: Time travel from 1955 back to 1985
    This is obviously going to be more difficult, as plutonium cannot be purchased at every corner store in 1955.
    88 MPH this time:
    88 Merkins
    88 Parker-Peters
    88 Hydraulic Squats

    This proved to be more time consuming than YHC had planned, so we aborted early and moved to the 1.21 gigawatt portion of 1955. What other way would one achieve 1.21? Blackjack.
    Start on the sideline between picnic tables. Perform 20 coupon curls – run to other tables, perform 1 V-up. Nur back and do 20 coupon curls. Run back for 2 V-ups. Repeat until you do 1 CC and 20 v-ups, running between the sidelines. Always adds up to 21.
    (“ Black Jack” officially calls for Merkins and LBCs, but more Merkins seemed too extreme*, and LBCs seemed to easy. And… I’ll say it… we don’t do enough curls).

    The required effort was great, but the motivation to return to the present was even greater—don’t forget, in 1955 your mother is trying to get in your pants (YHC recently re-watched the film, and this theme is much more disturbing than remembered).

    In the end, ironically, we ran out of time.

    We headed back to the flag for the final trivia question:
    At precisely what time was the clock tower struck by lighting? (and not by a tornado, Enron)
    YHC reminded everyone, that just as in the prior song trivia section, where no answer resulted in 10 merkins, and incorrect answers resulted in 4, this time an incorrect answer (or no answer) will result in 10 merkins, a correct answer, only 4.

    And so we all did 10 Merkins. The correct answer is right there. Right… there.

    Thanks for playing, everyone.

    To be continued . . .

    – Goodbye Goose Get-together Nov 12th at the Enron property
    (undercard event at AB’s house the day before, weather permitting)

    COT and Dox prayed us out.

    …Coda (the end is the beginning is the end):
    YHC ran out of time, but we got it right. We finally got it right. The first 17 times YHC ran this beatdown, tragedy befell the PAX. Once, blinded by poor parking protocol rage, Dox smashed the Prius with such force that it ripped the space-time continuum. *Another time, YHC had programmed merkins for Blackjack, and Enron’s shoulders finally exploded. And then there was the iteration where Tree Root showed up. Luckily, YHC had upgraded his Turo rental DeLorean with the Mr. Fusion attachment, and was able to keep going back and doing it over until we got it (mostly) right.

    “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
    …

  • Three Years of F3 Thibodaux – from Goose

    Three years may not seem that long, but we’ve stacked up some serious growth, some incredible memories, and an incomparable brotherhood. YHC is not only celebrating three unexpectedly amazing years of F3 Thibodaux, but also a personal four year manniversary. So, this was a special morning. It’s been quite a journey.

    After the typical warmups with 11 cold men, YHC decided to run the crew through some of the most important lessons we’ve learned through over these short/long years while giving them a chance to bring back to the surface some of the highlghts.

    Lesson 1: We almost always slow down, take breaks, and give up not because we can’t actually do any more, but because we don’t think we deserve to endure difficulty. We think we deserve comfort, and though some difficulty is exhilarating, we deserve to avoid the really hard stuff. But, we know better. We don’t get up before 5 and come to literally be punished in unknown ways by a random member of the gang becauae we think we deserve comfort. We know we’re made for more, so we keep showing up; we keep letting the Q push us farther than we’d ever push ourselves, and we hate to miss.
    Thang: Lt. Dan’s (1 to 2 ratio of squats to lunge walk steps, adding one squat and two steps each time) from the sidewalk around the building to the fence around the AC unit in the back. That served as plenty of discomfort to get us all to that point and past it. The chatter only lasted a couple of minutes, and then it got pretty quiet, which was saying a lot for this crew. After picking up the six we moseyed to the pickleball courts.

    Lesson 2: Our form suffers because we feel sorry for ourselves. Good form keeps our joints safe and makes us stronger. Our pride and self-pity puts our joints in danger in an effort to save our muscles, and though me might finish faster, we don’t get stronger. Humility acknowledges where we are and works from there, pushing all the way through, slowly if need be, and maybe not finishing first; and this is how we get stronger. And, just like in life, if we look to preserve ourselves, all the connecting tissue/people suffer. We only grow and take care of the people connected to us if we stay strong, focused, and humble.
    By this point, the PAX was done with the preaching and just wanted to know what pain lie ahead.
    Thang: bear crawl suicides. Bear crawl across one court to the end of the double lines and back, then to the beginning of the next court and back, then to the end of the next court and back. Every time at the baseline was three burpees (with solid form), and every time at the far line was five HR merkins (can’t cheat on that form).

    At this point, Tana reminded YHC that we had some memories to to share (which is probably why YHC thought he went first), so a few PAX were called and shared some doozies. This helped distract considerably from the pain, and it went by relatively quickly. Moseyed to the basketball court.

    Lesson 3: God knows our true limits, and He expands them, providing strength beyond what grit and determination could ever muster on its own. When YHC has been able to trust in and depend upon His help, the pain and difficulty don’t go away, but I can keep pushing much further than I ever expected. He doesn’t take away difficulty, He give us the strength to power through it if we choose to accept it instead of trying to escape it or measure what we’ve got left in the tank by our own figuring. And, for those willing to believe it, YHC shared that all YHC’s beatdowns are actually God’s ideas, and YHC is more of a co-pilot, putting the pieces together that He gives me. So, yes, they’re hard, but they’re amazing sources of growth, both physically and mentally. And, YHC knows that they will actually be doable, no matter how tough they look on paper.
    Thang: Let God decide–we rolled a die, and if it came up 1-3, it meant 15 LBC’s. If it came up 4-6, it meant sprinting half-court and back and then full-court and back. We rolled exactly 15 times, and though YHC didn’t count exactly, it seemed to be almost half and half. We were given breaks when we needed breaks and challenged just beyond the point of wanting to give up, to self-preserve. God is good. And, Honseysuckle and Pope are in great shape.

    With two minutes left, we moseyed back to the flag for the remainder of the memories to be aired. Most, interestingly, had to to do with first beatdowns and how they were both horrific and fulfilling some deep desire we didn’t know we had. So, we kept coming back, even if it was after a few months and/or a hernia. Tana went last because YHC forgot about him (I guess he blended in behind Honeysuckle or Valve), and promised to flim his top five and post them on the GroupMe. This sounded amazing and gave YHC the idea to ask everyone to film their top memories and post them from then till Saturday morning. It’s been unbelievably successful, an incredible way to celebrate the indescribable gift these last three years have been.

    And, YHC will keep posting at every beatdown for as long as God keeps us here. And, when it’s time to go, YHC trusts that God knows what He’s doing, though it’s hard to picture how we’ll push past that difficulty. But, I guess we’ll have the strength we need for it when we get there. Till then, we’ll keep making memories, pushing through limits, and suffering together with this incredible band of brothers. Here’s to F3 Thibodaux and all that is yet to come!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Country For Old Men – from Honeysuckle

    Jason Aldean was the flame. Boot Scootin Goosie was the fuse. It was only a matter of time until the country beatdown would occur. And friend-o, that day was today.
    On a dew-filled morning at the stage, fourteen men gathered eventually and the fun began.

    Warmarama
    20 Side straddle hops (YHC would have made it 40 if Tana had been there on time)
    Windmills
    Arm circles forward and back’ard
    No cherry pickers
    Willie Mays Hayes
    High Knees
    Butt Kicks

    As all required Jurps no longer need to take place prior to doing anything else, yet realizing that leaving a full four Jurps for the PAX to have to do OYO after a beatdown is a little too much, we split the difference and did two Jurps as part of the beatdown. As to not waste time, the country music started with “I think I’ll just stay here and jurp” by Merle Haggard. Piccadilly jumped in after the first round started but so smoothly it was as though he just appeared out of thin air. Despite the excessively long instrumental outro, a second song was needed so that the second jurp could be completed by the PAX so that was [this is taking a very long] “Tulsa Time” by Don Williams.
    Then, a coupon mosey to get the hard stuff.

    The first thang
    The next part was a small homage to what played no small part in putting country music into pop culture (and eventually into a cult with popeye), which was the movie Urban Cowboy. (That movie also put mechanical bulls into every honky tonk bar.) Both songs are by Jerry Lee, with the first being “Cherokee Fiddle.” We did V-ups during the song, but during the chorus (“When he smelled the smoke and the cinders…”), we grabbed our own cinders and did manmakers.

    The second song was “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” YHC looked at points total per Jurptoberfest exercise and found the two exercises with the fewest points. These at that time were big boy situps and curls, so by doing these we would be looking for points in all the wrong places. So similar to the previous song, BBS’s during the song and curls during the chorus. Enron had been preparing for this moment his whole life and really shone during those curls. As did Cuz.

    YHC after the fact proposed the equivalent of a “standard deduction” for points earned during the first thang. This is because there were no sheets to write down the number of each exercise the PAX did, so many PAX did not really know how many points they earned. Inadvertently, in doing so, YHC perhaps initiated a bout of points inflation that a future hawkish Q will have to clean up. The overall jurptober impact remains to be seen. Analysts are saying that the biggest impact is likely to be in the manmaker category as they represent the largest number of points per exercise.

    The second thang
    The second thang was going to take longer and finish out the workout. The song “Redneck Girl” has always been a favorite, next to “Queen of my double wide trailer”. But in “Redneck Girl”, the Bellamy Brothers highlight all of the desirable qualities of these types of women. One of these is that a redneck girl has her name on the back of her belt. In honor of that line, we did a conveyor belt exercise.

    There were 5 stations where these five activities were done, with bear crawls in between.
    Station 1: V-ups (20)
    Station 2: Merkins (20)
    Station 3: Bonnie Blairs (20, I think we all know by now it’s 2:1)
    Station 4: Big Boy Situps (20)
    Station 5: Burpees (10)

    Four stations were populated with PAX leaving one open station for at least a little freedom of movement for one group. All PAX in a group were supposed to stay together and couldn’t go to the next station until the group at that station left. But I’m sure Yankee Joe could spend multiple lectures covering case studies highlighting what PAX are “supposed to do” versus what they actually do. And I just completed an internship.

    Now, if you liked the loitering and waiting in Saturday’s beatdown, you would LOVE the conveyor belt. There was ample opportunity to trash talk teams taking too long, and those opportunities were seized. However, the waiting was sort of a feature because otherwise there were no real breaks. Just like in a honky tonk bar, there were even PAX getting up on the tables doing their thing. In the end, everyone made it through two rounds, in most/all cases also finishing a third set of the exercise where the respective PAX began.

    During this time, we got to additionally hear “John Deere Green” by Joe Diffie, “Hard Workin’ Man” by Brooks and Dunn, and most of “L. A. Freeway” by Jerry Jeff Walker. The soundtrack was well received overall, though one PAX couldn’t take it and left. And I expect to continue to not hear country music during my next eye exam.

    We circled up, counted off, named off, did announcements, intentions, and Pope prayed us out. Dox pictured us out.

    After the coupon return and general cleanup, around 10 PAX stayed and finished up the Jurps. Gotta love and admire the dedication of this group. Smooth, showing next level determination and grit, grinded out his last Jurp with everyone just sort of standing around him and Goose holding the shovel.

    Much appreciation to the PAX for being hard workin’ men today and even feeling comfortable enough to share that they enjoy listening to country music only if chipmunks are singing it. It is great to celebrate the recent birthdays, and while some of these songs remind us that the world and our lives keep changing as we get older, many fundamental things don’t change, and for myself at least, F3 continues to provide a way to improve physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strength to stay in the fight now and hopefully for many years to come.

  • Down With Disease – from Yankee Joe

    Prologue

    YHC arrived at the Peltch at 5:30 am on Saturday morning. We often say it was in “The Gloom,” but this morning took it to a new place. As he rolled out the tractor trailer truck tire onto the little league infield, he couldn’t help but notice how dark…and still it was. No sound of birds, no cars, no breeze in the pines. Now, YHC isn’t one to get all spooked out, but it was still a bit eerie.

    As he started hammering in the staked signs with various exercises, a heavy fog started to roll in. Not a light misting, but legit fog…and it was legit rolling, he looked around and realized that the signs I had just put in all looked like graveyard markers. Now, YHC isn’t one to get all skittish, but man it was getting weird.

    After one last trip to the awesome, cool, masculine minivan to get BAPS, YHC started walking back to the field. It was then that he looked up and through the haze, saw a hearse sitting in the thunder dome. How had he not noticed it before? Now YHC isn’t one to get all freaked out, but damn this was all starting to get…well…something.

    YHC shook it off and with 20 minutes left before the beatdown, decided to hit the men’s room. As YHC entered the bathroom to see about a fudge pop, the lights flickered. C’mon Yankee…stop being so dramatic. While sitting on the silver torpedo shell, and coming to the realization that this would be an underwhelming dumpelstiltskin, the lights turned off…completely. No sound of the door which had squealing hinges. The lights were off, YHC in the dark, quarter loaf barely pinched.

    And then, out of the darkness, as if radiating inward from the walls, the still air cold as ice, I heard the breathy, chilling voice…it said…“BEWAREEEEEEE….He’s a cheater…doing three merkins at the bottom of a buuuurpeeeeeee doesn’t count as a burpee aaaaand threeeeeee merkinssssss.”

    Now YHC isn’t one to hammer a prairie dog back in the hole, but at this, I screamed like a pickleballer and ran out into the darkness to find the PAX.

    —————————–
    YHC was both thrilled and concerned to see what would eventually make up 19 PAX at the Peltch. The beatdown had been designed for 8 to 10 PAX based on recent attendance rates. Considering all of the whining, wailing, and gnashing of teeth about doing hard things, YHC just assumed Houma-Thibodaux would be flush in dutch ovens that morning. YHC was wrong. Real wrong. 14 of 20 BYITG participants showed with the Hunt for Red Jurptober repping 100% attendance. However, I’m sure if you look back at the records for Arthur Anderson, those folks showed up to work on a regular basis too. Apparently, immorality requires solidarity.

    With six 2.0’s including a Honeysuckle duo – WELCOME Yelnats and Ewok, YHC started getting excited about how the chaos would play out over the next hour.

    —————————-

    Warmarama
    Side straddle hops
    Windmills 15 ct
    Arm circles forward 15 ct
    Arm circles backward 15 ct
    Cherry pickers 15 ct
    Self love
    High knees 15 ct
    Willy Mays Hayes
    High Knees
    Butt Kicks

    The men headed to the first field by the Apparatus to knock out the three required Jurps. The crowd was so big that the grumbling sounded like if you packed 50 constipated walruses in a locker room shower playing Adele in the background. But we got through it. During the jump squat portion, I saw some very interesting form emerge. Also during that time, it came to light that Tana had betrayed YHC to Paradox during an ongoing investigation. Did you ever see What Lies Beneath? Well, it has nothing to do with this scenario.

    We moseyed over to the baseball field and for the remaining 30 minutes, jumped into the fray.

    ——————————
    The Setup

    *Field set up with six stations around center point.
    *Two stations set 15 yards from center.
    *Two stations set 20 yards from center.
    *Two stations set 30 yards from center.
    *Each station represents a different BYITG exercise.

    All PAX start in center, do 5 burpees then tire flip (tractor trailer size) or zombie crawl to 15 yard station, 5 burpees then bear crawl to 20 yard station, or 5 burpees and bear crawl to 30 yard station. For any station, do 20 reps of exercise associated with that station. Run back, do 5 burpees, then head to the next station of your choice. AMRAP until time.

    Rules:
    1) there cannot be more than TWO Pax at any given station at one time. If there are already two pax at your desired station after you finish your 5 burpees, you MUST immediately choose another station and bear crawl to it. NO loitering.

    2) You cannot do the same station twice in a row unless you are forced to go there for lack of options…see Rule 1.

    Stations (20 reps each):
    BBS (12 yards)
    V-up (12 yds)
    Merkins (20 yards)
    Bonnie’s (20 yds)
    Coupon curls (30 yds)
    Man makers (30 yds)
    —————————————
    Strategy (if you can call it that):

    The 12-yard stations were tempting because you could get to them quickly, knock out the relatively quick rep exercise and get back. That said, the tire flip or zombie crawl transport was hard and time consuming. The 20 yard stations were the money makers. Merkins, each worth a point, were quick reps and not excruciatingly far for a bear crawl. Bonnie’s on the other hand were far more time consuming IF you had good form. At 30 yards, the coupon curl was a trap. First, a 30 yard bear crawl straight up sucks, but to reward yourself with half-point curls for a station total of 10 points didn’t justify the time. The biggest ROI was from the man maker station at three points per rep.

    It was here that Montana outdid himself. WIth three men at the man maker station, Tana should have chosen another station. He didn’t, he began lunge walking slowly toward the man maker station with YHC loudly chastising him to turn around. Instead, he lunge walked all the way to the man-makers then headed to the coupon curl station and proceeded to do…MAN MAKERS. By this time, YHC was losing his mind. Like Bob Knight, YHC tossed his man making coupon, yelling in a high pitched voice that Tana wasn’t playing fair and calling him a doo doo head.

    COT and Goose prayed us out. We welcomed Yelnats and Ewok. The PAX got a real treat in seeing Dumbledore and family walk up. He got damn near a standing ovation. It was cool. Dumbledore, you are missed.

    All in all, the PAX earned a total of 10,000+ points. It was a wonky set up, but due to being in close proximity, the chatter was epic. I had a lot of fun. Thank you for the opportunity to lead.

    BYITG,

    Yankee Jerk

    And…stay from that Peltch bathroom. Here, there be monsters.

  • “But Wait, There’s More!” by America’s Best – from Yankee Joe

    There was once a time, before all of this handheld, on-demand streaming gluten-free wifi entertainment, a time when men were men, and Boyz II Men, and ABC, BBD (East Coast Family). In these grueling times, if one were to lie sleepless at night, the only solace was whatever happened to be on the TV… which was almost always the Infomercial. A late night beacon through the (brain) fog, the Infomercial beckons: “Give me your clumsy, your stupid, your flummoxed masses…”

    Smooth Operator was already on site as YHC pulled up this morning; this dude never fails to impress with his punctuality, commitment, and demeanor after working 12 hours. Also, in spite of being here first, he doesn’t steal anyone else’s parking spot. The brief parking spot controversy this morning was broken by a shadowy figure emerging from the gloom, cloaked both in darkness and a red hoodie. This was the signal- it was time to begin.

    Warmarama:
    SSH
    Windmills
    Arm circles
    Cherry pickers
    Now, as the chatter rose, a confidential informant (we’ll just call him “Elliot”) murmurs an aside to YHC: when the PAX ups the chatter, it’s time to drop the hammer.

    And so began Warmarama++(AKA ”The Jurp Store Called and They’re Running out of You”):
    23 Tempo squats
    18 or so mtn climbers
    20 tempo merkins
    15 mtn climbers
    Then the rest of the Jurp on your own. (Somewhere around this time Hypotenuse appears, and YHC could go off on a tangent about that here… but we all know tangents never reference Hypotenuses.)

    With the first Jurp completed, it was time to mosey.

    The Thang:
    While actually planning a Thang of completely different proportions for this morning, YHC began to notice that certain Jurpaple exercises were actually contained within other more complicated maneuvers.
    And so, much like the hapless characters in the first half of most “how many times has this happened to you” infomercials, we would go about getting our Jurp points the hard way.

    Let me explain. No, there is too much… let me sum up:

    First, the Jurps. The Jurpee is the OG Granddaddy Longlegs of overdoing it. To this point, there was some sort of objection that “you actually get more points from Jurping than by just doing Burpees,” but luckily, YHC had the mental toughness to block that kind of positivity out. And the PAX completed the buy-in.

    21s (Curls): the bottom half of a curl 7 times, the top half of a curl 7 times, then 7 full curls. Lots of extraneous work for 7 curls. There was a bit of debate over whether ½ curl + ½ curl =1 curl. Ultimately, YHC used his executive “boat captain” power to declare only full curls are full curls. And thus, while a total of 56 additive curls were done, only 28 were scored. And there was much groaning (but not as much as there likely was after that hypotenuse joke).

    NUR one lap

    Breakdancer Merkins: “How many times has this happened to you? You’re trying to Merkin, then one arm shoots up in the air, while the opposite leg flails out in front of you?”
    Dox feigned ignorance, then took it to another level, breakdancing with Merkins in-between. YHC is pretty sure there was even a headspin in there. (Which may be why he blacked out during his performance and has no memory of it).

    Dying Cockroaches: Almost a V-up? Maybe half a V-up, and then another half? Also confusing because no two people do this exercise the same way. In fact, YHC (very awkwardly) demonstrated it, then performed it in a totally different fashion. Either way, you get zero points for whatever bastard child of a V-up this is.

    NUR! Another lap

    WWIII Situps: If you don’t hate these yet, you haven’t done enough of them. Please let YHC know.

    Goosies: Like the old saying goes: “If you wanna get some Bonnie Blair, sometimes you gotta cop a Squat for free.”

    —-End black-and-white portion of the infomercial—

    Thang 1.5 —Welcome to Oz— (the Colorized portion of the infomercial)

    Now it is time to do things the “Easy Way.” YHC offered a brief respite to recount a story… years ago, a friend, frustrated at the supermarket, was cursing at some avocados when suddenly she was approached by a strange woman. “Oh deary, calm yourself…. don’t you know about the ‘Easy Way’?”
    This was one of those seemingly innocuous statements that also sounds a lot like an invitation to join a cult. Other examples include “Come, Sit at the Welcome Table,” and “Free Men’s Workout.”

    For the remainder of the Thang, we will do only what is necessary to garner Jurp points (AKA the Easy Way)

    Now Run! Like normal human persons!

    Burpees! (some far-off mumbling again about total Burpee vs Jurpee efficiency, probably)
    Coupon Curls! YHC has to give credit to Enron for inspiring all the curls in this beatdown… he has done them in such large quantities YHC figured they might be a welcome break. YHC was wrong.

    RUN Again!

    Merkins! Regular ones, where you get points for exactly what you are doing.
    V-ups! Same!

    And, I’m sorry we are out of time.

    Animal was bestowed upon Yankee Joe.

    Dox prayed us out.

    Afterword: “High Impact Men” only begins to describe the members of this PAX. Hope you guys are as motivated by YHC as YHC is by you all. Honored to be a part of the PAX, and so thankful for those who said to YHC that fateful day, “Come, Sit at the Welcome Table”

    SYITG,
    AB

  • Boot Scootin’ Goosies – from Paradox

    Theres one singular event that universally strikes fear in the hearts of men. A rite of passage complete with every potential fear being confronted. A desolate wasteland where fortune favors the bold and one misstep can leave you cemented into a hall of shame . You’ve all passed through it and been forged by the fires of ..the middle school dance.

    But there IS one tool at your disposal . One shining sword for the gangly awkward youth entangled in this hormonal warfare. You’ve all seen this familiar setup. It’s the 7th grade dance and opposite genders have receded to their corners in the dance floor. The air is heavy with axe body spray. If you were like YHC , you hoped the Hollister shirt and puca shell necklace were enough distraction to overcome a genetic lack of rhythm. The dj eyes the empty dance floor ,madly spinning tracks to light the fire and then he finds it …

    …The participation song!

    Cupid shuffle ..
    The locomotion ..
    Electric slide ..
    They all accomplish the same goal.

    Like a flame thrower to dry kindling one kid joins, then another and as long as you are following the instructions loosely there’s a certain freedom from severe judgement that allows the dancing to begin.

    These songs have saved countless male youths from the embarrassment of freestyle dancing and during my recent midnight baby burping sessions I uncovered this lucrative treasure trove of F3 enterpainment.

    So with the fresh Jurpee routine in mind and a few songs in my heart YHC made a stage comeback with 10 other high impact men. A crisp bayou fall met them in the gloom and the stage was set.
    Today we salute the participation song.

    Duke ! Dukeeee!!!!
    Hold these diapers and Roll the bean footage !

    Warmup
    Standard issue with Tana literally side straddle hopping across the circle. His verbal insubordination overflowing into interpretive dance as if he could preemptively feel todays theme. You can only hope to contain him at this point.

    Warmup Thang

    Jurpee Mile-ish

    Saddled up for the well warn path of the rich man loop mile with stops for a segmented jurpee. We helped some pax in the senior divisions remember where all the stops were and YHC dialed up all the classics with JBL cranked to the level of “HoA concerns”. The air was cool and mannnn I’ve missed you guys.

    (Tana keeping a Kenyan marathon pace, ya love to see it. The legendary transformation continues )

    We did :
    1- tempo sqats/20 groiners
    2- 20 merkins/20 groiners
    3- 20 jump sqats
    4- 20 LBC/leg raise

    Then grabbed come coupons for the :

    Main Thang a Lang

    4 songs to represent the transcendent nature of the participation songs across genres, live events, generations and continents.

    1. ) Boot scootin boogie
    2 Apollo ono plus 2 goosie on “ Boot scoot”
    Coupon “2 step” on duration of song.
    From now until eternity we will call them Boot Scootin Goosies and I can’t decide if that sounds more like a firework from Joe Dirt or a station for next years SV500.

    Trivia : what are the first names of brooks and Dunn?
    The pax had this one down cold even with YHCs brain glitches trying to find the word artist. Also from Shreveport just like Ronnie Lillich !

    Track refresh mosey

    2. Time for da hip hop- Tootsie Roll
    (Was really hoping for a Popeye post here. Have a feeling he’s done 9000 tootsie rolls )

    We did :
    Donkey kick on T roll
    Right Peter Parker
    Left Parker
    Slide – side reach
    Whoop plank Jack
    Trivia – Artist? : 69 boys (great jurpee team name )
    I had a feeling this would be right in America’s Bests wheelhouse. with some prompting he took a minute off the pain. Goose showed signs of the move itself and YHC fought the temptation to let him tootsie roll for 5 minutes while we did kraken burpees.

    3. Da community -YMCA

    Y styled windmills on song
    4 merkins on YMCA
    Jump squat on “young man”

    Fun fact: The original YMCA arm motions appeared on this popular musical show in 1979. (American bandstand)

    4. International- Gangnam style
    Coupon side shuffle
    Thruster on Gangnam style

    YHC introduced this one and had the desired response of crickets, wind, and Goose asking Enron if it was 6am yet. I’ve sorely missed that unique smell of fear and adrenaline.

    YJ correctly named psy as the artist then insisted someone be appointed as the oogler so we would be music video accurate. Unfortunately by this point all the pax had gone to the dark place that thrusters create after a month of IPC and his request faded into old man grumbles about deleted cells.

    So now you have the dance party fully rolling the only thing you have left to focus on is learning your partners rhythm and footwork.

    So we partnered up (1 thruple)
    For a Double Indian run with 3 partner hi 5 burpees to corner on Richmans loop till everyone had one round.
    Honeysuckle did honeysuckle things and set a sub7 pace while we watched in awe. I can’t tell if it’s sleep deprivation but I swear his legs blur like road runner in the ole Wiley Coyote bits.

    We finished with a thrilling rendition of Rah Rah JaBurpee. Tennis ball can only be advanced with feet. One burpee after kicking. Beautiful chaos ensued and we lost two good soldier tennis balls in the field. No clear winner from YHCs point of view but I saw Ronnie diving under a truck after a ball near the finish line so I’ll give an A for effort.
    Jeaux continued to run headlong into the distance. Said he just needed to think about a grown man not being able to work Google sheets.
    Folks in the Oaks say he’s still running…

    Count them up
    Name them off

    Announcements:

    T- claps to Hypotenuse for multiple posts and suffering through my lack of hand eye coordination.

    Honeysuckle VQ!!!
    Thursday at the Den
    Get your running shoes ladies!

    Invigor8 Grant next Tues 10/10 at 7pm (link below)
    Possible $10k is up for grabs to the St Vincent pharmacy.

    https://facebook.com/events/s/invigor8-live/1909647176102809/

    COT and YJ prayed us out

    Men I’ve been overwhelmed by the support y’all have shown my family during our new baby days. The baby/work/school/home routines are in a tornado of a transitions right now and we are just hanging in. Great to have y’all linking shields in support and prayer.

    Epilogue

    One jurpee
    Two jurpee
    Red jurpee
    Blue jurpee

    You can do it on a rope
    You can do it with a Pope
    You can try it with a Goose
    Or measure your hypotenuse
    Tana jurps on his strain quest
    Honeysuckles uses it as rest
    AB is jurping till hes fifty
    Ronnie’s jurping till his knees are shifty
    Bud light jurping, call it Dilly Dilly
    Poor jurp form, that’s really silly
    Jurptober is all about the basics
    Valvelines jurping till he needs lasix
    At a jurp party you’re never late
    Jeauxs been jurpin since 78!

    Jurp low jurp high
    Jurp loud jurp shy

    Jurp your best jurp along with another
    As iron sharpens iron, one sharpens his brother

    SYITG
    ParaDr Seuss

  • Curling/special teams beatdown – from Smooth Operator

    Cardinal
    Goose
    Pope
    Dilly
    Tana
    Diddle
    Smooth Operator

    Last night seeing all the anti commits had me a little nervous about turnout. The fact that they were coupled with all the where were you stories for 9/11 where really cool and shows the diversity and different life experiences of this wonderful group. F3 is as much a support group and writing club as much as it is a fitness group and I am very happy to be a part of it.

    YHC was showed up to the Stage at 0455 after working a night shift. I was not expecting much of a turn out but knew I could count on Goose and Pope to show up to put in some work. Goose and Pope showed up around 0510 along with Cardinal and Tana. Dilly and Diddle showed up right before and during Warmarama. YHC was thrilled to see 7 PAX members ready to partake in some group suffering.

    Struggle bus for warmarama
    Due to sleep shortage, YHC struggled with cadence and a couple times just forgot I was supposed to be counting. Goose tried to help but to no avail. But I guess it’s the effort that counts.

    SSH
    Windmills
    Imperial walkers
    Arm circles
    Cherry pickers
    Mountain climbers
    Coupon curb mosey

    Today we will be doing a little shared suffering to honor the 2996 lives lost on September 11 2001. Just to help y’all feel young I was in the 3rd grade and had no idea what was going on. Today for our 10 counts you will be asked your where were you short story for 9/11.

    Thang 1
    Using a basketball we will throw or roll the ball down the street and we will be downing it similar to a punt coverage team in football or the wonderful winter Olympic sport of curling. If the ball goes off the concrete and into the grass we will be doing 10 burpees. Our mode of transport will be sprinting. Whenever we recover the ball we will be doing 5 Chuck Norris merkins. We will be going to the rich man loop dead end. This went surprisingly good. We managed to make it to the dead end only doing burpees once or twice. We probably did 40 to 50 Chuck Norris merkins.

    Thang 2
    We did a round of 7’s
    gossees on one side and American hammers 2 is 1 on the other and bear crawls were mode of transport. This one worked well and we got through it pretty easily. After Pope gave us a riveting story on how he was never thought of yet for 9/11.

    Back to Thang 1 with a twist

    Basketball game with grass penalty of 10 WW2 merkins, mode of transport is karaoke switching after every downing. 5 Bobby Hurley were the recovery exercise. We did this to the dead end near 3/4 mile mark on rich man loop. We went ahead and did one or two sets of world war sit ups due to a couple unforgiving curves in the road.The question was brought up which sit ups were we supposed to do. YHC honestly forgot there was a difference and was not overly concerned which exercise was performed.

    Thang 3
    Once we made it to the dead end we went ahead and set up to do some concrete crack suicides with a merkin performed each time you hit your starting point. The PAX ended up making it to the stop sign and probably did 10 sprints. After Goose gave us his story on where he was on 9/11. He was at LSU and watched the first tower fall realizing he had just watched thousands of people die. Went to class and got a text saying the second tower fell.

    Back to thang 1
    We played basketball game with American hammers 2 is 1 10 count as grass penalty. We sprinted as mode of transport. Recovery exercises was 5 Apollo unos. End point was supposed to be coupon curb dead end but due to 0600 approaching quickly we headed to the flag.

    Thang 4
    After we got back to the flag at 0555, YHC and Diddle set up the burrito and sent us out with Alan Jackson’s Where we’re you when the world stopped turning. The Pax would be changing levels on Al gore from low middle to high squat position. We would be changing levels on the breaks in the lyrics. This was tough and it carried us into 0600.

    Announcement revealed Goose has tomorrows Q. Honeysuckle VQ will be Thursday at the lions den. Saturday will be IPC. If you have been away for a while and still read back blast, this is as good a week as any to get back in the mix.

    Intentions were for all the babies and mommas in our community and Tana prayed us out.

    Thanks to all who came out and made this beatdown memorable.
    SYITG Smooth Operator