Unbeknownst to many, YHC spent his small kid time in Hawaii… AB was just a barefoot Haole, speaking pidgin, surfing with an alien I thought was a dog, working as a private investigator, and flying around in T.C.’s helicopter. This beatdown was inspired by those days. . .
The PAX rolled in, totaling a dozen by the time Dilly rolled on… so we began Warmarama… a bit of a pickle since we only had 10 coupons. But, like a glorious Chesapeake Bay Retriever, Paradox broke out of the circle, leapt out in to the gloom, and returned with a giant black stick that would have to suffice.
Island 1: Hawai’i (The Big Island):
Constantly in fear that a volcano was about to erupt, YHC’s early visits to this island were always a bit nightmarish. We pay tribute today to this childhood fear with Volcano by the late, some-say-great, Jimmy Buffet. Hold Al Gore. Burpee on “I don’t know.” Tuck jump on “Volcano.”
Mom Jeans’ hatred of Jimmy Buffet during this segment was noted, catalogued, and will be weaponized in a future beatdown.
Island 2: Maui – the Man, the Myth, the Island
The trickster demigod was definitely present during this well-planned, expertly explained, and piss-poorly executed portion of your entertainment.
The plan was a Kola (which is the closest phonetic match to Dora, since there is no “D” or “R” in the Hawaiian alphabet). Pair up, one partner is Maui, pushing up the sky (coupon presses) while the other is his brother, tricked into pulling up islands from the sea floor(moving coupons). Then Flapjack, and 2nd partner takes over the presses while partner 1 moves the coupon back to the start. The explanation was much longer, murkier, and nobody in the PAX was clear on whether they were Maui, his brother, or themselves, so everyone was moving islands all over the ocean.
Admittedly, this part was half-baked at best. And so YHC went into full-on Dad/Tech Support mode (“Move!”) and just walked everyone through a new version: Walk backwards, with alternating sets of curls and goblet squats. A more well-planned Maui beatdown is guaranteed next time.
Island 3: O’ahu… choose your Poi, son!
One of my earliest memories was at a luau, learning about poi, a Hawaiian food staple. Hard to describe, it’s a fermented paste of pounded taro root. It’s like if yogurt and sweet potato had a baby. And then you ate out of that baby’s diaper.
Anyway, you typically classify it based on consistency: “one-finger”, “two-finger”, or “three-finger”, based on how many fingers are required to scoop it up.
So here, participants are asked to choose which poi they want. And like poi, with each added finger it gets more runny:
1-finger poi: Roll die, do 7x that many burpees and WWII sit-ups, with murder bunnying and bear crawling (least runny/no running)
2-finger poi: Roll die, do that many laps with 2x that number of blockees as buy-in for each lap
3-finger poi: Run/nur until you find the Run-Cajun-Run sticker on a lamp post; then 3 burpees and run back (most runny)
Without hesitation, Honeysuckle chose 3 and lead the other gazelles off into the unknown gloom.
Seeming the most innocuous, 2-finger poi proved to be the most difficult. Those were the real tough guys. . .who didn’t do the math first.
Enron and YHC were the only two bold enough to try the 1 finger poi, and were rewarded for our bravery by finishing first.
Final Thang: The Ring of Fire
The Ring of Fire is also a belt of volcanos surrounding the Pacific. So we did the typical Ring of Fire, but (Inner) “Circles” by Soul Coughing was played instead of the usual Johnny Cash song…
About 2 minutes into the ‘roid rage, YHC offered to stop the thang if anyone could ID the artist… and decided to mention “this is a 10-minute song, by the way.”
Only Popeye had even heard this song before. And so, a minute later, desperation set in, and Yankee Jeaux jumped up to check the phone and call out the artist to stop the torture.
The song was over anyway. YJ cheated, but YHC lied.
Pau.
COT and Yankee Jeaux prayed us out.
Something for my Llamas:
Nobody knew why that song by the Animals was played this morning amongst the Hawaii-themed music. YHC’s favorite volcano is Haleakala… which is Hawaiian for “House of the (rising) Sun.”
Another bit of trivia for you: The Hawaiian Islands were once called the Sandwich Islands, but the name was changed because it brought too much shame when Firehouse Subs was founded.
Tanks for coming out, bruddahs. Always an honor to lead. Great seeing the consistency of White Meat (that sounds weird) and that Ponzi is posting again on the regular. And some guy named Wilford Montana made my day by showing up (sans coffee) to join us.
Journal entry
Feb 17, 2024
An eventful morning on the Farm
My family has lived on this property out along Hwy 1 since around WW2 and most mornings I follow a strict but enjoyable routine. Up just before the sun rises over the cane fields , I brew a pot of coffee and check the weather. Then I enjoy a quiet morning with my thoughts, some prayer and maybe even a good book.
But this morning …this morning my routine was , well, I’ll put it politely and say it was disturbed. You see, shortly after the weatherman informed me that today’s forecast was not fit for man nor beast , well I heard just that. A man , my nephew, in the yard hollering at some sort of animal. On closer inspection out my kitchen window it was no beast making these noises but a hybrid redneck dialect being emitted from another human he insisted on calling a paradox. He was in a truck loaded nose to tail with tents and tables like Jed Clampett. “Shoot fire Yankee this is a mighty fine residence, hope tha skeeters ain’t neer bad as the peltch last beatdown” he said while looking around the farm. I expected him to have no teeth at all but he only seemed to be lacking inseam in his shorts. A paradox indeed.
To my amazement, my nephew, the one he kept calling Yankee, seemed to know and welcome him and they began putting out cones and yard signs in a cold rain storm just happier than two pigs in the sunshine. Things were getting quite strange here , and little did I know it was just the beginning.
By 7:15 the rain had let up but the floodgates of middle aged men with knee braces and headbands were now wide open. Short , tall, thick , thin, they all piled in helping setup a flooded tent and passing around gold baun sticks and theraguns. Some dressed for the weather while others invested in Himalayan technology to keep there mammary glands chafe free. There seemed to be no distinction in vehicle either as they stepped from punisher Tundras or eco friendly wagons. They greeted old friends with butt slaps and elbow taps yelling obscenities like FracSac and Goosey. Quite frankly , I don’t even care to know why a Hawg would even need a cycle. This ceremony continued until there were dang near 30 of them loitering around our property! I had the authorities dialed up when I was informed they had gathered on purpose AND for a charity cause AND my nephew had actually planned on them being here! Tomfoolery! The very definition!
I settled back into my armchair to take a breather. That’s when the foghorn went off …and they started running.
The first one I saw break away from the pack looked like he had been taken right off the cover of one of those running magazines. A stride so Smooth you would swear he was standing still but hard to reconcile that with the 1/2 mile lead he had most of the day.
Behind him were 3-4 others seemingly using this gazelle as a pace car and weighing options that he couldn’t keep that pace all day..right..right?! (He would)
They had one young enough to be 15 with spring loaded rubber for legs and others flexing the scars of midlife ,held together with bioflex and gorilla glue.
Behind this second group were the real rabble rousers. A pack of 10-15 wild dogs complete with mobile tunes, homemade JV shirts and promises every turn that “I think this is it for me boys..wink, wink”
A few ringleaders in this pack but the real Don Corleone was a highlighter vested gentleman they all called Popeye. He was not blazing land speed records but something about the way he set his jaw let any observer know he wouldn’t be denied his mileage goal.
They all hit the first corner in site of the quarter mile cone and stared down a cold and wet 15mph headwind, lovely. Gosh I wonder if any of them had cozy pickleball scheduled today.
In between miles I saw various strategies of recharge. Some gorged calories , others walked it out , and some stood still contemplating the next lap. Many of these hooligans searched for a man who I guessed to be their local shaman but lap after lap he wore many more hats (and one whistle) . One part coach , one part field general, his intimate knowledge of the men was palpable . Some he pushed harder, others he let down easy, both equally effective in getting his men’s best effort. He delivered speeches to ward off ego and checked joints for oil leakage like a seasoned mechanic. With a firm nod or a head turned grin he communicated his trust. This was a leader of high impact men from any viewpoint. He whistled and they ran. They ran and he whistled.
The wind blew. The socks got wet, got swapped out and got wet again. Many met their goal mileage, passed it and kept on churning. By about 11am most having exceeded a half marathon at this point, most took a bowl of delicious pastalaya and continued to cheer on the rest.
By around 2pm there were 4 still running . And when I thought I had heard it all one yelled “back the cones up” and they took off for one last trip, this time for 1.2 miles. The gazelle in front still as fresh as mile 1 but that ole hawg wasn’t far behind. They all knew he had a little sand left in those bags. The third man was a true bewilderment. His physique suggesting he could walk on as an NFL tight-end but his running demeanor at mile 26 was simply unbothered. The redneck brought up the rear and surely he thought there was a bud light promotion for finishers. (there wasn’t, but a Coors from a friend was even better)
The gazelle found the finish line first only a second in front of the hawg and the artist they called Tana only a furlong after that.
And as the miles piled up I pondered to myself “why would they do something so utterly stupid “. With time on my hands, as the trucks loaded with tents and boxes dispersed , I came to three potential conclusions.
Was it fitness driving them ?
Surely this looked plausible as some had clear physical gifts and several maintained peak cardio strain. Were these average Yankee Jeaux’s striving to be Americas Best athletes? Unlikely. But I can only say it seemed the fitness got them here, but it was not the reason they stayed for more. An appetizer of sorts, maybe stellar quads is just the byproduct ….so I kept searching.
Were they just here to fellowship? Some signs pointed in this direction. As soon as I saw the Solo Stove fire pit I knew a high fluting party was in full swing. This crew obviously knew how to have a good time and the verbal assaults flying along with answered grins of disdain indicated enjoyment of each others company. I’m Closer to the mark here but…but no. Not quite the primary driving factor I could sense.
So if they weren’t fitness professionals and most would think a better party is available at any other watering hole then what’s left ?!
Hidden amongst the laps, intertwined between these fun loving family men, was the intrinsic need to put ones own pain aside. To combine that suffering with the brother next to him and have it all be for something much larger than themselves. That’s why they ran. Every step counted , every lap mattered. It was “only a mile” they said to each other .
But it seemed like so much more.
This was a fine day.
Postscript
Congrats to NOLA’s Smooth for winning the first annual IOAM! See ya next to year to defend .
Second place – The OG sandbagger himself Mr. Hawgcycle
Third place – Wilford Montana – forged in the fires of deep Bourg pickleball this was truly impressive brother!
To all that ran today (and one that whistled), thank you for your time , effort and commitment to raise money for several great causes today and during RCR.
Thanks to Rudy for the ground support and motivation. You really stepped RCR up this year!
Special Thanks to Enron and Bourgeois Meat Market for the awesome lunch!
As usual artistic liberties were taken in portrayal of backblast characters but Reluctant Yankee and his family were overwhelmingly gracious hosts . Huge thanks to his family for having us invade their Saturday!
YHC pulled up at least 7 or 8 minutes early to find overly-zealous Enron and Paradox at the Stage, arriving early to gossip. The rest of the PAX poured in, slowly, gradually, like some sort of sweet viscous substance…
Warmarama – typical SSH, toy soldiers, windmills, arm circles, then a curve ball… butt-kicks straight into high knees? For some men, the muscle memory kicked in, and the knees went up before the brains even knew what was happening. Overall, there seemed to be a very mixed reaction to this, and YHC was afraid for a moment there may be a Q coup.
Pre-thang:
Last time YHC put on a “Free Solo” beatdown, we had extra time and went into an OT “make it stop” name that tune-athon. Due to this, and with RCR coming up, YHC decided to start this one with a run.
Indian Run while the Wu-Thang plunked out music of mostly bands with misleading names. The goal is to guess how many band members are in said band. The difference between your guess and the actual is the number of exercises we do at each stop.
Popeye impressed, calling out Arcade Fire immediately, and them even more impressively, MJ knew (or guessed?) that there were 5 members. No extra work!
The Thompson Twins were next, and of course the trick was that there are 3 members, but we only had to do one merkin, as Wet Tap was called upon and (understandably) guessed 2.
Next we nurred, as a hint, hoping someone could guess “Feels like we Only Go Backwards” by Tame Impala. The guess was 4, but there is only one member in this “band.” We did 3 BBS.
The next was my favorite, and it was even better because we had already done BBS and merkins, so the next had to be burpees. Nobody knew the Polyphonic Spree song (also titled “Hold Me Now”) so our buy in was 5 burpees.
Pope was called upon to be the scapegoat (by the way, the person who was randomly chosen to guess each time was the person who happened to stop closest to the streetlight).
Pope guessed 5 (I think, or 8), but there are 27 members of this ridiculous band, so either way it was Samsonite. So we did a lot of burpees.
Goose nailed Bungle in the Jungle by Jethro Tull, and someone (Enron) knew there were 4 members. No extra work. Honeysuckle called Superman by Five for Fighting, but Dox thought there were most likely 5 members of this one-man band.
Back at the start for the Real Thang: FREE SOLO 2
The Rules: A solo from a song is played while we all do some kind of work. The song is curated for a single individual in the attending PAX. 3 things with slightly different results occur:
1. The person for whom the song was chosen IDs the song. Result= all PAX bear crawl 20 yards “free” of gear (coupon), then lunge walk back. Everyone takes “victory lap.”
2. Some other dude identifies the song, freeing himself from the burden of the coupon. Everyone else block-bears up and lunge-walks with coupon back. Dude takes a victory lap while rest of PAX continues work.
3. Nobody IDs the song everyone murder-bunnies up, and rifle carries back, then does “sprint of defeat” to flag and back
As we began, Wet Tap busted out of the gates like a thing that busts out of gates busting out of a gate.
He ID’d the first two songs without even knowing what was happening, stealing Dox’s and Pope’s songs as well as Pope’s thunder. And he took 2 victory laps in a row while we continued the work.
Popeye’s musical chops impressed again, identifying his solo from “When Doves Cry.”
YHC was downright giddy when he saw Goldilox pull in this morning… I’ve been waiting to play this smooth jazz sax solo from “Too Hot.” Nobody knew the song… I guess all these Millennials think “Kool and the Gang” is just something Samuel L. Jackson said. (And in case you missed it, “too hot” is something Goldilocks said).
Enron ID’d “Money” but YHC suspects fowl play. No, not foul.
“Honeybee” Tom Petty. Nobody knows that old fart, apparently.
For the fledgling pilot, “Learning to Fly.” Again. Free Solo 1 brought us this song by old fart Tom Petty. This time, same title, different song, different band. Nobody knew it.
Overall, I know, too much Pink Floyd.
Evident next during what is arguably one of the best and most recognizable guitar solos ever. As we did thrusters, Goose prodded Wet Tap to ID “Comfortably Numb.”
Tap’s response: “I’d rather just keep doing Thrusters.”
(Time ran out before Dilly’s and MJ’s songs could be unveiled… to be concluded)
COT: Count-o-rama, Name-o-rama,
Animal was bestowed upon Picadilly.
Honey-o-rama courtesy of The Beekeeper (aka Honeysuckle)
Thanks for putting up with my nonsense once again, fellas.
YHC pulled up at least 7 or 8 minutes early to find overly-zealous Enron and Paradox at the Stage, arriving early to gossip. The rest of the PAX poured in, slowly, gradually, like some sort of sweet viscous substance…
Warmarama – typical SSH, toy soldiers, windmills, arm circles, then a curve ball… butt-kicks straight into high knees? For some men, the muscle memory kicked in, and the knees went up before the brains even knew what was happening. Overall, there seemed to be a very mixed reaction to this, and YHC was afraid for a moment there may be a Q coup.
Pre-thang:
Last time YHC put on a “Free Solo” beatdown, we had extra time and went into an OT “make it stop” name that tune-athon. Due to this, and with RCR coming up, YHC decided to start this one with a run.
Indian Run while the Wu-Thang plunked out music of mostly bands with misleading names. The goal is to guess how many band members are in said band. The difference between your guess and the actual is the number of exercises we do at each stop.
Popeye impressed, calling out Arcade Fire immediately, and them even more impressively, MJ knew (or guessed?) that there were 5 members. No extra work!
The Thompson Twins were next, and of course the trick was that there are 3 members, but we only had to do one merkin, as Wet Tap was called upon and (understandably) guessed 2.
Next we nurred, as a hint, hoping someone could guess “Feels like we Only Go Backwards” by Tame Impala. The guess was 4, but there is only one member in this “band.” We did 3 BBS.
The next was my favorite, and it was even better because we had already done BBS and merkins, so the next had to be burpees. Nobody knew the Polyphonic Spree song (also titled “Hold Me Now”) so our buy in was 5 burpees.
Pope was called upon to be the scapegoat (by the way, the person who was randomly chosen to guess each time was the person who happened to stop closest to the streetlight).
Pope guessed 5 (I think, or 8), but there are 27 members of this ridiculous band, so either way it was Samsonite. So we did a lot of burpees.
Goose nailed Bungle in the Jungle by Jethro Tull, and someone (Enron) knew there were 4 members. No extra work. Honeysuckle called Superman by Five for Fighting, but Dox thought there were most likely 5 members of this one-man band.
Back at the start for the Real Thang: FREE SOLO 2
The Rules: A solo from a song is played while we all do some kind of work. The song is curated for a single individual in the attending PAX. 3 things with slightly different results occur:
1. The person for whom the song was chosen IDs the song. Result= all PAX bear crawl 20 yards “free” of gear (coupon), then lunge walk back. Everyone takes “victory lap.”
2. Some other dude identifies the song, freeing himself from the burden of the coupon. Everyone else block-bears up and lunge-walks with coupon back. Dude takes a victory lap while rest of PAX continues work.
3. Nobody IDs the song everyone murder-bunnies up, and rifle carries back, then does “sprint of defeat” to flag and back
As we began, Wet Tap busted out of the gates like a thing that busts out of gates busting out of a gate.
He ID’d the first two songs without even knowing what was happening, stealing Dox’s and Pope’s songs as well as Pope’s thunder. And he took 2 victory laps in a row while we continued the work.
Popeye’s musical chops impressed again, identifying his solo from “When Doves Cry.”
YHC was downright giddy when he saw Goldilox pull in this morning… I’ve been waiting to play this smooth jazz sax solo from “Too Hot.” Nobody knew the song… I guess all these Millennials think “Kool and the Gang” is just something Samuel L. Jackson said. (And in case you missed it, “too hot” is something Goldilocks said).
Enron ID’d “Money” but YHC suspects fowl play. No, not foul.
“Honeybee” Tom Petty. Nobody knows that old fart, apparently.
For the fledgling pilot, “Learning to Fly.” Again. Free Solo 1 brought us this song by old fart Tom Petty. This time, same title, different song, different band. Nobody knew it.
Overall, I know, too much Pink Floyd.
Evident next during what is arguably one of the best and most recognizable guitar solos ever. As we did thrusters, Goose prodded Wet Tap to ID “Comfortably Numb.”
Tap’s response: “I’d rather just keep doing Thrusters.”
(Time ran out before Dilly’s and MJ’s songs could be unveiled… to be concluded)
COT: Count-o-rama, Name-o-rama,
Animal was bestowed upon Picadilly.
Honey-o-rama courtesy of The Beekeeper (aka Honeysuckle)
Thanks for putting up with my nonsense once again, fellas.
Isn’t it funny that you always want the thing you can’t have? YHC and a number of the PAX are in a period of not eating sweets, so to channel the newfound desire for anything with sugar, YHC dove into the exicon to see what sweet treats could be unearthed. After a little thought, a beatdown was born.
Warmorama was almost the standard fare (IW, WM, AC, HK, BK, SL) except knowing what was coming next, SSH were skipped. This presented to be a real issue for a number of the PAX and was perhaps the most controversial part of the whole beatdown.
All chatter was quickly silenced by the next thang – featuring the classic “I Want Candy” by Aaron Carter. The PAX would to SSH for the duration of the song, with a burpee on every time they hear “candy.” If you made it through the brutal marathon at the end, that’s 26 burpees in just over 3 minutes.
After that, we moved into Double Apple Sauce, a 2-column Indian run where the last man in one line would run to the front of the other. This was met with varied success, looking beautifully choreographed at times and looking like a mob at other times.
We ended at the baseball field, where the PAX were introduced to the Sugar Cookie. In the outfield, PAX did called Scuba Steve’s and leg raises, then sprinted to home plate to do 20 hand release merkins and 20 BBSU. Ideally, the dew from the grass would leave the PAX nicely coated like a sugar cookie. Alas, the moisture wasn’t there, but it was still a killer thang.
We then DAS’d again to Aldi’s (possessive because that’s how you do it) parking lot for some Apple Turnover races – switching between bear crawl and crab walk. After that, round 2 was a Hot Apple Turnover – crawl bear and walk crabs. The PAX pushed and showed their prowess (or lack thereof) in each leg of the race.
We moseyed back to the flag for 5 minutes of people’s choice MARY- which featured Dr. W’s and dolphin hops to no one’s surprise.
COT and Goose prayed us out. Mom Jeans bestowed the VEST upon Smooth for pushing harder than anyone, both on and off the court so to speak.
Grateful to the PAX for letting me take them on a sweet journey! Till next time…
“Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up and knows it must be faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning in Africa a lion wakes up and knows it must be faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve.
It doesn’t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle, when the sun comes up you better be running “
-African proverb
Todays beatdown inspiration was a bit of a “give a mouse a cookie” situation. YHC recently saw the above quote and tucked it away into the “beatdown ingredient “folder for later. Shortly after that YHC read a Nola backblast (shoutout to Charmin) with a “catch me if you can” modification called lions and gazelles. Shortly after THAT Gooses new years beatdown had pax 1 mile run times posted and YHC wondered what type of burpee handicap would put the pax on an equal running field. The blend was coming together, was just missing another ingredient when I saw my 2.0s running scared in the yard…hmmm….a dash of fear…just right! Now just need a heat source to cook this meal …or perhaps …perhaps this is a dish best served cold…
Duke!! Get away from that watering hole and roll that beautiful beatdown footage!
7 pax fought through icy windshields and hastily searched pants drawers to get better on a Tuesday Tuff at the stage. 25 degrees at alarm time with 15 mph wind puts us at a respectable F3 nation GMI of 14 (32-current degree F plus PAX attendance). We felt the kindred spirit with our F3 brothers in the northeast and midwest that call this weather “spring” .
YHC started the partner work early at home when attempting to unfreeze the truck too late but Valve was ready and waiting with the cutting-edge Ford technology across the street so we headed down 308 together silently waiting to see if Yankee ever found pants. Team Platinum soon found Goose and Ronnie (with leg coverings!) loitering in the cold with Jeaux and Popeye close behind.
Today’s goals were simple. Never stop moving and get the pax home with all their fingers and toes and wives leggings intact.
Warmup
Heavy Cardio warmup with a double dose of MCs to get the heart charged and blood to the fingers if only for a second.
Continued Warmup
Indian Run around Richmans Loop to let the pax see the Serengeti and prime the watering holes (drop off cones)
Drop off to 3 Jillian Michael’s (haven’t missed those)
YHC tried to find the song that would transport the pax to a sunny tropical state of mind so we ran while the Beach Boys told us about a place way down in Kokomo. This served to warm our hearts for about 2 seconds until turning the corner on the flat land of richmans loop and feeling the full force of the wind. We did not get there fast or take it slow and the Beach Boys would be ashamed but we did end up where we wanted to go and picked up a wild Dilly while out in the bush!
Da Main Thang a Lang
LIONS VS GAZELLES
Da Rules:
-Lion starts by doing 15 burpees while gazelles take off from starting line
-Gazelles must do assigned exercise and reps at each “watering holes” before progressing
-the lion can kill (tag) you at any time and is immune from watering hole exercises
-You can only run forward
-Pax must stay on the road
-When tagged you are “dead “, complete 10 burpees and mosey back to starting line
-if you make it back “home” no penalty
-The lion will do 2 penalty burpees for every living gazelle who makes it home.
Round 1
Lion Goose vs Gazelle PAX—Score: Goose 6 Gazelles 0
Gazelles made a respectable trek to in between the second and third watering hole before Lion Goose unleashed carnage. The ever cunning strategist Lion Goose ran down the leaders in cold blood then circled back for the rest. I shudder to think what Pope will do in this format.
Round 2
Lion Jeaux vs Gazelle PAX- Score Jeax 1 Gazelles 5
Only change is 10 merkins which in Jeaux’s defense went much quicker than YHC expected and may have put us ahead early. Most of the gazelles made it home to their families. Lion Jeaux did not starve but later commented that the Gazelle Dilly was “a little gamey” for him. Sadly there will be a zoo truck coming soon to “transfer him to a better place”.
Round 3
Lion Popeye vs Gazelle PAX- Score Pop 6 Gazelles 0
12 Burpees for the Lion this round to start, 5 Jump Squats at watering holes.
Lion runs forward while pax Nur and stare down our impending death. YHC tilted this one a touch in the favor of the Lion to ensure maximum effort. The nur/jump squat combo took the gazelles down fast and Popeye came around the first bend of Richmans loop like a persistent tank rolling down gazelles with reckless abandon. He took YHC and Goose just after cone 2 with a gentle tap that and nod that it was time death and for more burpees.
Round 4 – Partner race for home
P1 sprint to next light and MC
P2 MC till p1 is stopped at next light
YHC sowed some confusion early by saying leap frog but performing something different. The pax adjusted well and every team stayed in close contention.
Formed up to finish a standard Indian run home with a sprint finish
Just enough time for a little Proud Mary, this is an old Goose classic and never gets old
Assorted abs on the song with Big Boys on “Rolling”.
Just before the song we realized the wind had taken down Ole Glory on our shovel flag. Goose fiddled with putting it back together but he is not one to miss a session of Mary so he resolutely held the stars and stripes up and off the ground while torching abdominals down below. Never been prouder of my site Q.
The Counting, the Naming and we found ANIMAL inside of the seventeenth layer of YJs clothes. It was given to Pop in honor of his Gazelle feast in round 3.
Announcements:
RCR sign ups and prep
It’s Only a Mile – Feb 17th
COT and Ronnie prayed us out
Moleskin:
We can be motivated, at least temporarily, by many things.
There can be comfort (Kokomo in 25 degrees weather), control (how many reps?), fear (is that Popeye or the grim reaper?). These are mostly internal motivations that we reach for in the face of adversity. But what the pax of F3 Thibodaux consistently teach YHC is the value of an external motivation. One detached from my own needs and desires. Reaching outside of oneself for your children, your spouse or just that sweaty dude next to you who keeps making 3 inches jokes. When we find this extra gear of shared suffering it’s amazing to see the reservoir of strength that God provides with it.
Thanks for the effort despite the brutal condition’s today men.
It’s a privilege to lead
Epilogue
Every morning in Thibodaux the Gloom awaits men knowing it will capture many with struggle and snares.
Every morning in Thibodaux the pax wake up knowing they must work hard to beat the gloom.
And that when the sun rises, there will be men at his side, pushing to make each other a little better each day.
YHC was looking for something unique, challenging, and engaging for the Peltch. As I labored over various ideas throughout the week, very important questions came to mind.
Questions like, “Have you ever been further endeared to a friend because of his farts of sweet, tangy musk?”
Or others like, “If you made a priest miserable and then had him carry you 25 yards on his back, would you have to do penance?”
Or perhaps, “Is denim water repellant and insulated?”
Or, the one that was nagging me most, “Have you ever felt, I mean truly felt and really appreciated the firmness of another man’s butt cheeks?”
These questions would challenge even the greatest of men, but they say geniuses choose green. But when buying our minivan, YHC didn’t choose green. On top of it all, there was the prospect of four FNG’s!
That said, out of the darkness of beatdown designer’s block, came the answer:
It would need to be crafty, annoying, and manipulative. It would need to be painful, repetitive, and unnecessary. It would need to pull hamstrings and push out farts. There was only one person in the whole of the Exicon that could answer the call.
Dora.
Also, did you know Dora loves bricks. She’s mighty mighty, lettin’ it all hang out.
———————————-
How It Started
As it turns out, only one FNG made it out, which is still a reason to celebrate. A spritely young man, formerly called Richard, showed up in jeans, a la O’Shem. He would go on to smile his way through the insanity, running (or rather lunging) circles around the rest of us. His naming – and it’s a darn tootin’ good name – will be discussed later.
Also, we had the triumphant return of Hand Grenade. With him, HG brought back the ANIMAL shirt. And there was much rejoicing…yayy…
Following the woefully incomplete and liability ridden disclaimer by YHC (thanks Cardinal for reminding me that this was a thing), we jumped into warmarama at the locals bar: SSH, windmills, arm circles, mountain climbers, self love, high knees, butt kicks, Willy Mays Hayes.
During this time, I was concerned that with the absence of Paradox and Enron, the lack of snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter would have a harmful impact on the beatdown. YHC needed not worry his perfectly shaped bald little head. America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz stepped into the void with a deluge of… well…snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter. It was insubordinate and churlish. YHC don’t play, lukwalicuh?
——————————
As a warm-up and prelude to the madness that would follow, we performed exercises with the Dora the Explorer theme song. As some may not be aware, a proper Dora typically moves in rounds of three, covering the upper body, moving down to the core, and finishing with the lower body (i.e. merkins, gas pumpers, and jump squats).
So, we listened to the theme song, doing shoulder taps, and performing merkins on every “Dora.” Coyote sang along, perhaps even hitting some harmony. Or maybe it was Jackknife.
Then we listened to the theme song again, this time doing flutter kicks with a gas pumper on every “Dora” (or maybe it was a reverse crunch…you’ll have to talk to Enron).
Then we listened to the theme song AGAIN, holding Al Gore and jump squating on “Dora.” By this time, whichever 2.0 was singing along had stopped, unamused by the three minutes of their life he would never get back.
Adequately warmed up, we partnered up (Cardinal chose YHC. He chose poorly.), one set of bricks per pair, and moseyed to the main field.
——————————–
How It Went – DORA 1 2 3 with Bricks
Fresh off the 9,000-merkin morning from Enron the Thursday prior, pecs were still hungover. As such, nothing like a little hair of the dog to get you right. The Dora 1 2 3 went as follows:
100 Shoulder tap merkins
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, pumping opposite arm (think Mario lunging) WITH bricks; nur back
– P2 – Shoulder tap merkins
– Flapjack
—-
200 V-ups
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, completing butterflies (both arms) WITH bricks; nur back
– P2 – V-ups
– Flapjack
—-
300 Jump Squats
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone; each lunge shoulder pressing (both arms) WITH bricks, nur back
– P2 – Jump squats
– Flapjack
—
YHC grossly underestimated the time it would take to complete the thang, pondering the possibility of cutting it short. The lunges sucked so much that YHC was desperate to get back to the actual exercises. YHC writes this blast, both legs are in full spasm.
However, somewhere in the midst of the jump squats, I looked at the PAX grinding, then YHC almost yakked.
America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz, through their shenanigans were tearing the circuit up and were the first pair to finish. YHC also noted our FNG on the far flank, keeping up with El Papa. In between YHC’s dry heaves, I thought about the circle of life, watching a 55-year old grind out reps with a man 40 years his younger. Awesome F3 moment.
With substantial completion by the PAX, YHC finally called for recovery. With time not on my side, YHC chose to forgo the workout to Brick House by the Commodores (stolen from an Enron beatdown last year) and move into the next, albeit truncated thang.
—————————–
Lazy Doras
The Lazy Dora typically includes the same 1, 2, 3 format, but instead of one partner transporting as the timer, he stays and does another exercise (i.e. chilcutt peter parkers). Partner 1 becomes the timer, completing reps. For 100, 10 reps, flapjack; for 200, 20 reps, flapjack, and so on. Alas, we only had time for the first round.
YHC added in a ‘buy-in’, in which partners took turns giving a piggyback 25 yards and back to start. Then,
– P1 – Bonnie Blair’s WITH bricks (2:1) x10 reps
– P2 – Chilcutt peter parkers until P1 completed the 10 reps
– Flapjack
————————————
Bridge of Hate
Having cut the Lazy Dora short by two rounds, YHC asked the PAX for two things. To do as he said and not to ask any questions. And yes, America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz BOTH proceeded to ask their own questions. It’s really something.
The bridge of hate is the inverted tunnel of love. The pax forms a line by laying on their back shoulder to shoulder. One pax will then be lifted and passed down the line of the pax that are laying on the ground. When the pax that was being passed down the line gets to the front he lays next to the last man and the man at the rear of the line then gets passed down, so forth and so on.
This proved to be perhaps the hardest and most hilarious F3 experience for YHC to date. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughing, continually being a weak link in the PAX chain as men were passed down the line.
Popeye started us off and with no reference for best practices, kinda just rolled (literally) through the struggling hands trying to keep him in the air. It was also a bold move exposing his front side only weeks after his hernia procedure. True to form, Pop just smirked as he watched us mere mortals struggle.
After that, men got the hang of it – lie on the back, stiff as a board. It was here that one could really appreciate the firmness of butt cheeks that only ultra marathon training can provide. Pope was just a joy as noted by Pop and Maneater. We finished the line with the 2.0’s, which was equally amusing.
————————————–
Moseyed back to the flag. FNG naming. ‘Ol Denim ‘Dick’ Naquin became [Mom Jeans] per the workout attire mentioned earlier. A firecracker of positivity and badassery, we hope to see a lot more of the Canadian tuxedo.
Interesting and fun fact…Mom Jeans is a cousin of Prius. This is worth noting because several PAX are currently re-EH’ing Prius to join us. Looking forward to having both cousins next week.
COT and Maneater prayed us out. We finished the morning with a Coffeteria.
Thank you, Men, for grinding out with me. To lean into ‘the suck’, then find yourself laughing till your jaw muscles hurt is a real gift that cannot be manufactured in many other settings. All of that followed by sharing a warm cup on a cold morning makes this whole ridiculous thing worthwhile. If that ain’t a God thang, I don’t know what is.
YHC has been struggling with a cold/cough this past month so preparations for a Q were limited. Not calling out a certain PCP though… Anyways, some digging into record books was needed to pull out something that would be worthwhile for the PAX’s never-ending desire for pain. F3 Greenwood and their IPC have always seemed to have the ticket to putting things at a level that seems achievable on paper but once in action seems worthwhile to have stayed home. After researching backblast the plan was settled. The hype was sent out and on we went.
10 PAX showed up to the den ready to roll.
Warmarama:
SSH, Windmills, IW, Willie Mays Hayes, AC, MC, Self-Love, Mosey around the Civic center.
The Thang:
Noah was told by God to build an Ark. To do this, Noah had to pick out the right trees and cut them down.
Gathering Lumber
3 rounds
1 minute Al Gore (Tree Hugger) – These minute(s) seemed to get longer and longer as we went. Paradox’s chatter could be heard from the other end of the line.
10 Chopping Wood Lunges
Once the lumber was gathered, Noah started building the Ark. God directed Noah to build the Ark to very specific dimensions (300 cubits by 30 cubits by 50 cubits).
Building the A.R.K.
Alternating Shoulder Taps Merkins x 300
Reverse Crunches x 30 (AB, these were not gas pumps despite what the remainder of the PAX had to say about the air down on the other end of the field)
Karaoke x 50
The pax partnered up to build the Ark. Pax 1 drops to the plank position and starts Alternating shoulder tap Merkins. Pax #2 Mosey 50 yards and drops to do 30 reverse crunches then Karaoke back and swap out.
In Genesis 7:8, the Ark has been built so the animals start coming in by twos for Noah to load onto the boat.
Animals 2 by 2
AMRAP until time is called.
Start with 2 reps for each station and add 2 each time you move to the next station.
4 Stations
Station 1 – Crunchy Frog
Station 2 – Monkey Humpers
Station 3 – Dolphin Hops – Yes, Dolphins on a boat, it makes sense because they were hopping
Station 4 – Penguins
PAX choice to, Bear Crawl, Crab walk, or Duck walk between Stations.
“Recover” called at 6:00
Announcements for the upcoming Run Cajun Run event in February as well as the upcoming ACTs retreat.
COT and Piccadilly prayed us out. Excellent work on a tough beatdown from F3 Greenwood.
On a chilly morning, YHC plus 14 or 15 HIMs convened at the Lion’s Den to raise the temperature of Thibodaux a few degrees. After a pre-beatdown site survey of the greater Warren J Harang Jr Municipal Auditorium area, YHC determined that most of the grassy area was too wet due to the previous day’s precipitation, which partially put a damper on some of the plans. At this point, a gravel road and an Aldi were willed into existence so that the beatdown could commence.
Warmarama: SSH, Windmills, Arm Circles (F/R), Mountain Climbers, High Knees, Butt Kicks, Toy Soldiers, Willie Mays Hayes
Don’t tell Goose, but it is indeed true that opportunities for on-the-clock stretching can be found in the Warmarama if one looks.
Mosey to the playground
The Thang:
YHC explained that there is no point in trying to follow an America’s Best beatdown; no amount of creativity could compare. In fact, YHC was dealt a Paradox, YJ, Goose, Goose, America’s Best hand to follow, so why even bother. So to help out with the lack of detailed planning, the specifics of today would be a little random. The beatdown was based on a random waypoint concept, where six locations around the area were chosen as the waypoints. At each waypoint, some exercises would be done. The choice of which waypoint to go to would be determined by the roll of an allegedly fair die. The waypoints and exercises were as follows
1: Lion statue (50 Moroccan Night Clubs 2:1)
2: Gravel road near stop sign (50 Apollo Ohnos 2:1)
3: Gravel road near exercise equipment (30 tempo squats)
4: Gravel road near gate (25 LBCs + 25 Big boy situps)
5: Playground (30 Derkins)
6: Aldi parking lot near the broken glass (15 burpees)
Transport between waypoints would be a faster-than-a-mosey run, except if a 1 is rolled in which case there would be a hard run to the Lion statue area. Another rule that did not need to be enacted today was that if the same number were rolled twice in a row, PAX do 10 burpees and roll again.
The PAX spent a lot of time bouncing around between 4 and 2, so some good core and lower body work was done while getting to know the new gravel road well. Popeye questioned the fairness of the die, but surely the quality control department of Milton Bradley would not let a biased die be packaged as part of a Yahzee set.
Finally, a 3-5-6-1 sequence was rolled, allowing the PAX to enjoy some change of pace with some squats, derkins, burpees, and Moroccan nightclubs. The visit to 6 also let the PAX get a close look at the Aldi parking lot. Interestingly, neither the gravel road (which appears to be an extension of N 10th street) nor the Aldi parking lot were planned to be a part of today’s beatdown, but as luck would have it, the conditions forced us there and they stole the show. I know Goldilox’s first choice was to give the vest to the gravel road.
As there was still time left, of course a 4 was rolled so the PAX headed back to the yellow gate to work on their 4 packs. The beatdown would be finished via an administrative decision to hit waypoint 5 for 10 more derkins then sprint to 1. Apparently without the Moroccan nightclubs.
Goldilox returned the vest to its original owner, Paradox, who as legend has it is thus now obligated to destroy it. If he can.
Announcements revealed that Paradox has Saturday, followed by Smooth on Monday, and Pope on Tuesday. Also the buzz around Run Cajun Run is noticeably increasing.
Yankee Joe prayed us out. Dox photoed us out.
Thank you to the 14 or 15 Pax who showed up this morning. It is always one of the most enjoyable parts of my day to sweat and suffer alongside this group. Tclaps to Maneater and Jackknife for yet another post!
Following the PAXville beatdown this morning, Goose and Popeye were discussing mental toughness. That point where you are up against the wall, begging for the pain to end…for someone to save you. Popeye commented, “Well, it’s got to end at some point.” Through the endorphins kicking and my legs destroyed by humping monkeys, I was reminded of a similar sentiment.
In 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven, a Navy Seal, delivered a commencement speech at The University of Texas. No doubt, many of you are familiar with it. Adm. McRaven shared 10 lessons he learned from BUDS training, considered the most grueling trials the military has to offer. He shared these as advice to help the young graduates “change the world.” If you haven’t watched it, you should. The link is below.
All of the lessons are relatable to civilian life, but it was #10 that most stood out to me. The lesson discussed a brass bell that hung in the center of the BUDS training facility, visible to all of the candidates.
McRaven said, “All you have to do to quit is ring the bell.
Ring the bell, and you no longer have to wake up at five o’clock.
Ring the bell and you no longer have to be in the freezing cold swims.
Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT, and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training.
All you have to do is ring the bell to get out.
If you want to change the world, DON’T EVER, EVER RING THE BELL.”
——————–
Without hesitation, each of you, the Men of F3 Thibodaux, personify this idea. And perhaps none more than our stalwart Goose. F3 has a term, “IM3,” which is a Man’s statement to the PAX that “I AM THIRD.” The idea of ‘living third’ means that as men, we deliberately place ourselves third behind God and our Community (including our families).
When I started F3, it was about ME. I needed to get in shape. I needed an outlet. I needed to fit into my pants. I needed to make friends…like real adult, male friends.
I needed…something.
I believe Goose’s vision of F3 teaches us that those needs, while they may be important, only matter when they are pursued by virtue of servant leadership. As men, there can be no greater call than to love God through serving our families and our community.
In this light, ‘never ringing the bell’ is not about working through our own pain, nor is it about serving our own needs. Rather, it is a decision to put our oxygen mask on first before assisting others.
Our strength comes not from ‘Man Makers’, Goblet Squats, or Thrusters (well maybe for Wet Tap). By ringing the bell, we would give up on far more than just ourselves. The stakes are too high. It’s an awesome and terrifying charge.
Of course, no man can do it alone, and that is where God and each of you come in. Every beatdown, every exercise, every rep, every prayer…I am surrounded by humble warriors who REFUSE to quit. Not for your own sakes, but for the call you CHOSE to answer.
Goose, you are the definition of a servant leader. It would be impossible to describe the impact you have had on so many of us (cardboard cutouts of your likeness not excluded). Besides…your humility wouldn’t tolerate the praise anyway.
Instead, I’ll just say, thank you. Thank you from all of us…for never, EVER ringing the bell.
——————–
Last Stanzas from Today’s Story:
“Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!
And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!
From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their family
Though – from the HEART of the BayoU, he soon will move on
In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll still carry on.
Merry Christmas!
SYITG,
Yankee Jeaux
——————–
The Ridiculous Beatdown
Warmarama
SSHs
Abe Vigodas (slow windmills) – Prancer is a terrible movie, btw.
Arm circles
Squats
Imperial Squat Walkers
Self Love
Shark hops
Partners
Mosey to baseball field, bring coupons
——————–
Tribute to Anker (For Unto Us a Child Is Born – Handel)
“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).
Burpees on: Son, Child, Wonderful, Counselor, God, Father, Prince of Peace (approx. 43 burpees)
Thang 1: Goose Training Camp
– Narration #1 (this was far toooo long)
Dora’s
– P1 runs
– P2 J’Lo’s, Plank Jacks, Mountain Climbers, chilcutt peter parkers
– Flapjack
– Four sets
Mosey to playground
Roof Crawling Practice
– P1 bear crawl to other side of hill; at bottom, 20 derkins; traverse the apparatus, go down the slide, mosey back to partner
– P2 does Genuflects
– Flapjack
Mosey to PAXville
——————–
Thang 2: The Looting of Paxville
– Narration #2
House 1 – “Smooth Like Honey(suckle)” Home of the Smoothie Sting
– AMRAP
– P1 Nur to cone, sprint back
– P2 monkey humpers
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk
House 2 – “Dr. and Mr. Owens”
– AMRAP
– Man Makers
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk
House 3 – “St. Cardinal Co-Cathedral and Coffee Co.”
– AMRAP
– T – BOMBs (start in crab position, legs out together, legs apart, legs out together, back to crab position
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk
House 4 – “La Casa Drogas de Tana”
– AMRAP
– Pickleball volley
– 2 burpees on every dropped ball
House 5 – “EnRon We (Don’t) Trust”
– AMRAP
– Thrusters
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk
House 6 – “Eye Candy Captains, LLC” Safety First, America’s Worst
– AMRAP
– The Jurp (by 10’s) – bet you can’t do more than three
– Speed squats, Merkins, Mtn Climbers, Jump squats, LBCs
——————–
Thang 3: Back to the Goose cave
– P2 rides P1, flapjack at halfway point
– Return to start, P2 rides P1 like a donkey, flapjack at halfway point
– Sprint to Goose cave (Peltch Treehouse)
——————–
Thang 4: Paxmas came anyway
– Narration #3
– Sprint back to PAXville and Goose returns PAX gifts
Goose returns presents to the Pax
– F3 Thib – 4th Wave (Class of 2023) – Black paint coupons
– F3 Thib – 3rd Wave – Black and Maroon coupons
– F3 Thib 2nd Wave – Black, Gold, and/or Maroon Coupons
OG’s – Black and White with Gold trim Coupons
Goose – White, Black and Gold Coupon
COT and Cardinal prayed us out
——————–
How The Goose Stole PAXmas
Narration #1 How the Goose Stole Paxmas!
Every Pax down in Paxville liked PAXmas a lot
But the Goose who lived just up the bayou, did not!
The Goose hated PAXmas! The whole PAXmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. Pope’s athletic prowess prolly the reason.
It could be because Goose hated the cold.
It could be because, like his truck, he was too old.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was that his heart, like Dox’s Mudgear shorts, was three sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, his heart or his arthritis ,
He stood there on PAXmas Eve ISI’ing just to spite us
He stared down from the Stage with an indignant, head tilting view
At the warm lighted windows along Lafourche Bayou
For he knew every Pax down in Paxville below
Was busy posting stupid GIF’s and jammin’ to Bieber’s Mistletoe.
He thought of Paradox and his wife who’s a doctor
Dox claims to be one too which shamefully mocks her.
He thought of the drugs Montana be slingin’
And he shuddered at the bad cadence that he always be bringin’
The Goose remembered the Goats and some random machine
That dude showed up for a month, never again to be seen
Then there was Cardinal, whoop sales-man of the cloth
But watch him fake burpees, his sins point to sloth
But he’s a priest with no equal, becoming a Bishop is next
But God help you, oh good Lawd help you if you send a green text.
Wet Tap jump squatting with coupons, that’s what real men did
He never got the memo – that Jurptober had ended.
He thought of Lil’ Cuz, bald head shiny like the sea
That neck like a tree trunk, like Treebeard with Gris Gris
A patriot among patriots, you’ll oft hear him decree
“This is ‘Merica, Jack…Yee Yee!”
He reflected on Superfun(d) and his posts that were laggin’
But Fun(d) redeemed himself fully, naming Jeaux’s Prius the Douche Wagon.
In a similar way, Fence Post showed up in stints,
But without any postin’, we’ll just call him ‘Fence’
He hated the youngsters who thought they were wicked SMAAHHT
But Shart-’eh got more than he bargained for…
that time he tried to FAAHHT
Goldilox with calves as big as your head
He’s a really nice guy — all the PAX said
But when the three bears tried to scare him out of the bed
Lox made a rug out of Papa Bear instead.
The Goose said good riddance to ‘Ol Paradiddle;
He’s a drummer, remember…F3 was fourth fiddle.
But woe to those who judge, you’ll make The Saturdiddle List
Beware three inch running shorts with a mustache emerging from the mist.
He tolerated Kilo and his twelve different ve-HICLES
He loathed Picadilly’s balls and Tana’s subsequent pickles
With falafels in the kitchen and the cross court dinkin’
Piccadilly’s doing Pickle Pounders for his bio on LinkedIn
Then there’s Safety Valve and Honeysuckle whose beatdowns we dread
They both claim to love you then play Christopher Cross instead.
With the nurring, burping, and merking, they leave us for dead
Imagine a Suckle – Valve twofer —
hey, that’s what she said.
But what about Smooth, always working the night shift
After pickle pounders with Kilmer, we thought he might drift
Instead he’s founding AO’s, he’s def here to stay
The tougher the challenge, the more you’ll hear….OhhhKAYYYY!
Goose considered Popeye, an OG of OG’s
Juicy like the chicken, played out like Drew Brees
Post hernia operation, F3’s ‘Welcome Back Cotter’
I’m sure whining about his scar, just like Harry Potter.
Enron, he mused, seemed to always face the worst
With his lack of rhythm and tendonitis that he constantly nursed
But those are just the reasons, second and first
For two SV500’s, he picked Pukee Jeaux –
he HAS to be cursed.
Speaking of Yankee Jeaux and his phonetics so fine,
Did you know LILLICK is actually pronounced LIL-ITCH
Then Ronnie – SCHREIT NEIN!
STOP—————————————————————————–
Narration #2 Before Lazy Dora in Paxville
“And they’re hanging their stockings,” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is PAXmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Goose fingers nervously drumming,
As he sat on the toilet nervously humming
Then he said, “I must find a way to keep PAXmas from coming!”
“For, tomorrow, I know that ALL the PAX men
Will wake bright and early and rush to the Den.”
“And then the GroupMe posts! Oh, the posts! posts! posts! posts!
There’s one thing I hate! It’s all the posts! But That I hate the most.”
It wasn’t just the abysmal GIF game that rankled his chest
But also the old fart snark from America’s Best.
This dude rolled up to a PAX of F3
WIth Dad jokes, an electric truck and, an alleged hurt knee
Then he said, “Wait, wait there’s more –
I LOVE an extraneous JurPEE.
Not to be outdone, the reigning king of the “No Show”
French Horn, apparently hornless, has no horn to blow.
True, his 80’s knowledge is well beyond measure
His ability to use ‘Bruhhhh’ in every sentence?
Well that’s the real treasure.
So the Goose sat there honking…
“And they’ll mumble! And mumble! And they’ll chatter! Chatter! Chatter!”
And the more the Goose thought of the Pax PAXmas Chatter,
The more the Goose thought,
“Is it me or am I getting fatter?”
“Why for forty-one years I’ve put up with it now!
I must stop PAXmas from coming! But how?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Goose got a wonderful, condescending, self righteous idea!
“I know just what to do!” The Goose laughed with a frown.
“I’ll destroy all their dreams with a TuesdayTuff beatdown.”
“I’ll steal F3 PAXmas, there’s no limit to how far I’ll stoop
I’ll even find a way to kill that stupid [bleep] Whoop.”
“What a great Goosey TRICK!” he mumbled with snarls
I’ll do a Bleep Test…you know, like a…DICK-ENS – comma – Charles!”
STOP ——————————————————–
Narration #3 Redemption Arc
It was quarter of dawn. And the Pax still a-slumber,
Hangovers en route from Enron and Wet Tap’s Jucifer tumbler.
He took their presents, their headbands, and even their rucksacks,
He scoffed at their cadence, lame excuses and fartsacks!
Ten thousand feet up – up the side of Mount Tana
He ran like an addict on AstraZeneca manna.
“Pooh-pooh to the Pax!” he was goosily humming.
“They’re finding out now that no PAXmas is coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just how it will go.
Shamefully hitting snooze one time, maybe mo’
And They’ll kick and they’ll yell from ceiling to the flo’
Then they’ll see there’s no PAXmas, not even an AO.”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Goose, “that I simply must hear!”
He paused, and the Goose put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the swamp.
It started out slow, then it started to stomp.
But this sound was NOT, no it was not getting madder!
Why, this sound sounded joyful – it sounded like chatter!
What was this incredible sound, sounding deep from the gut,
Well Lil’ John asked Paradox the same question,
“Turn down for What?”
Every Pax down in Paxville, the tall and the small,
Was posting for a PAXmas beatdown – super tight shorts and all!
He hadn’t stopped PAXmas from coming! It came!
After having ten kids, it came just the same!
And the Goose, with his Goose feet paced to and fro,
Stood puzzling and puzzling. “How could it be so?
“It came without coupons! It came without rucksacks!
It came without backblasts, Kool Jobs, or pinched nutsacks!”
He honked and honked till his honker was sore.
Then the Goose thought of something he hadn’t before.
Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!
And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!
From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their family
Though – from the HEART of the BayoU, he – soon – will – move – on
In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll – still – carry – on.
