F3 New Orleans

Tag: Paradox

  • What’s Cooler than being Cool? – from America’s Best

    YHC had originally planned a totally different beatdown, but upon seeing the sub-freezing temperatures predicted, changed to a beatdown that would keep all body parts moving throughout the morning.

    YHC pulled into the Frozen Tuesday Tundra with minutes to spare to find a larger than expected PAX assembled and ready to get warm.

    Warmarama (augmented to keep all limbs moving):
    SSH
    Tie Fighters
    Imperial Walkers
    Self Love+Butt kicks (deemed “Butt Love” by Popeye)
    Windmills
    Mountain climbers (Paradox starts to stand up)
    Shoulder Taps (Paradox starts to stand up)
    Peter Parkers (Paradox stays put, so back on our feet)

    Quick mosey around what may someday be a neighborhood.

    Music selection today was all about the Fahrenheits, and began with “Frozen Heart” from The Girl Dad Earworm album. Goose said something vaguely offensive like “Is this the dwarves from Lord of the Rings?” It was like a Basketball Jones slur but for the Sami mountain people. From there the music warmed to “She’s so Cold” which is basically an exercise in Mick Jagger trying to think of cold things that also rhyme with the word “cold.” (Near misses: “tombstone,” ice-cream cone.”) Only warm summertime songs from there on out to keep us mentally warm.

    We arrived back at the flags for a Dora that would ensure we would be constantly moving to maintain warmth.

    Partner 1 starts on 50 Burpees while partner 2 MOT is The Nur (mosey back).

    Followed by 100 goblet squat curls, MOT Flying Nun (mosey back).

    Then 200 Bobby Hurleys, MOT Bear Crawl (mosey back). When we were beginning this portion, Valve just laughed and said “leg day, huh?”

    (Aside: If you have not ever partnered up with Safety Valve, I highly recommend it. The more difficult the beatdown becomes, the bigger his smile gets. The grin is not exactly maniacal, but it’s also not comforting. I’m not sure if its origin is the pain he felt or the pain he saw on my face. Either way, this man eats pain for breakfast. )

    Next we moved up to the stage for 100 Mike Tyson Merkins whilst the partner ran a lap.

    At this point, YHC thought he saw that we had only 5 minutes left, so we moved down to run in place while listening to the FOTC Classic “Mutha’uckas”. YHC quickly fabricated something about F3 needing all 3 F’s, and so each time we heard a word missing a letter “F” we would Burpee. There were a lot of missing F’s. The chatter about this song being where 75% of YJ’s vocabulary comes from drowned out the song.

    Now somehow (either due to time dilation or presbyopia) there were 10 minutes left, so YHC quickly added a second Conchords song “Hurt Feelings.” The PAX held plank and merkined with each “hurt.” “Have you ever been told that you look like a llama?”

    Now that we had about 6 minutes left, we had just enough time for some Mary. Goose surprised everyone by not calling Dr. W’s and YHC takes that as a compliment as a sign of a challenging beatdown. Popeye led us in fire hydrants, and YHC accidently did alternating legs, which I do not recommend unless you are already in the market for new kneecaps. YHC then offered Freddy Mercs, and Enron gifted us penguins. I can’t remember too much more, other than Tana trying to run out the clock with 6” until everyone dropped. But when the Q is done, the exercise moves on to the next man. It’s always that New Year’s Resolution Guy who shows up multiple weeks and then struts around like he owns the Planet Fitness.

    YHC was impressed by the fortitude of all you men who braved the frozen tundra to make it out.

    SYITG,

    AB

  • Year in Review 2024: The Ghost of Backblast Past – from Paradox

    Whether you call it Twixmas, Feral Week, or the official week of the automated email , the window of December 25th-January 1 is a great period for quality family time , limited use of pants, and for ignoring nutritional facts. (Even if your Payday has 7g of protein).

    Naturally paired with this season is a look back on the good, bad and ugly of your previous year. And that’s where we’ll start as YHC also needs to issue this backblast as a mea culpa for several missed blasts through the year. Swept up in the undertow of work and diapers were more than a few half written works that just didn’t seem to have enough bowel movements in the day to finish.

    Of course I could pile the excuses higher than the pampers tower in YHCs garage but the burden remains and if the men of F3 thib have taught me anything then it’s how to get back up when the tubs of life truly starts thumping you down. Ergo, we must trudge forth! Like Pliny the Younger providing the only account of Vesuvius, who would tell ABs grandkids about the Christmas miracle ?
    Or like Aristodemus, spared from the final battle of Thermopylae to document those slain, someone must record the heroes of Danger Valve Mondays. Concordantly, this document is my 2024 last stand. To prevail against the waves of procrastination, flares of irritable bowels and all other reasons YHCs blasts went to Apple notes purgatory this year.

    Objectives for this beatdown/blast were ambitious. YHC needed to recognize a tremendous year from our pax and highlight a few glossed over diamonds in the tuff, and to do it all in one big greasy beatdown/blast omelette. You won’t even need mushrooms and salsa to stomach this egg vehicle Senor Mitchell. This behemoth is chocked full of the events, schisms, airport flatulence, franchises, hoosker do’s, hoosker don’ts , 17 different light rock alternatives, wearables, whistling kitty chasers and all of those secret sauces of 2024 F3 Thib that make this group of uncultured hooligans my valued brothers.

    Duke!!
    It’s the Year in Review !!
    Roll that beautiful footage pup.

    10 Tuesday Tuffians were mostly assembled as YHC arrived in a thicc gloom with near perfect beatdown weather. Cool enough for sans mosquitoes but not so chilly that a spray paint crop top would make you uncomfortable ya know, and YHC did know.

    Standard issue warmups with the ever growing detestable schism of slow knee heretics blatantly disregarding the call for “high knees” and instead doing the invasive species “slow high knees”. Like a useless pond grass the south port variant continues its spread, choking the life from more useful warms ups in our precious ecosystem. It’s a slippery slope to power walking fellas, it’s all I’m trying to say. Next it’s “there’s no jump on the burpee” then “Shakira shimmies” for merkins. Before long, once the estrogen levels get high enough, we’ll have a bear problem….(see anchorman et al 2004) …(and look this beatdown needed atleast one bah humbug or I couldn’t maintain the Dickens vibe ok)

    YHC persevered through the mutiny and Wet Tap reduced the tension by reminiscing of misspent youth in Lafayette night clubs. We put a Bumper Mosey bow on it and it was show time.

    YHC wanted to recap the year and one theme seemed recurrent and prominent in my reflections on 2024. Through the joys, sorrows, and everyday grind, in the ups and downs of family life , the sick 2.0s, the injuries , the beauty of new life and pain of lost loved ones. In all those things, God was, is and wants to be truly with us.

    YHC will now attempt to go full Jacob Marley as we fly through 2024 and see the beatdowns of past, present and future.

    In January God was with us in the known and unknown.

    On 1/7/24 Americas Best sparked a trivia revolution with his bd “everybody’s an expert”. YHC remembers running rich man’s loop as he asked us a deep question: “what is one category we know better than the rest”. YHC thought it was a prank and initially answered something like “statefair corndogs” only to realize the remaining pax all gave real heartfelt answers. Finally Cardinal, in his wisdom, suggested a chance I might know antibiotics. How thoughtful.
    When we returned to the stage AB weaponized our strengths (and Pride) against us to reinforce a very cool fact. We all kinda know 1-2 things really well but clearly there’s a vast ocean of facts out there we can humbly claim ignorance to and enjoy the process of learning.

    So to honor this amazing gift we unveiled …
    Rapid Fire AB trivia

    Correct – 7 coupon plank jacks
    Incorrect 7 coupon merks

    #1
    If yogurt and sweet potato had a baby they might produce ABs favorite traditional Polynesian food made from the Taro root.
    (Poi)

    Honeysuckle remembered the runny 3 finger poi as his favorite blend.

    #

    2ABs least favorite breakfast food- (omelette)

    Pope with the immediate answer.

    #3
    When AB first moved to Thibodaux his first job as an optometrist made him smell like fresh Tires. Where was that job? (Sam’s Club)

    Goose struggled with this one a bit but battled to produce Walmart which YHC awarded half credit. This is a great Goosian trait we see on display many beatdowns, if he doesn’t immediately have an answer then a rabid bloodhound is unleashed in his brain searching accurate guesses. Something’s very right with his medulla oblongata.

    #4
    AB has a dog named after the main character in this 1994 classic movie. (Shawshank redemption- Andy Dufrene)

    The group produced both Shawshank and Dufrene.

    Now it was only fair by the writ of habeas corpus that AB get a swing at the pax during his own trial so YHC prepped him the night before to bring a fast ball.

    The Pax produced some fine “Most common wrongs” but could not land on “Time Dilation” as the answer. Great teaser trailer for the 2025 Interstellar beatdown.

    Grand Finale

    On a special night during ABs childhood , in the room he shared with his brother Jeff , AB released flatus so vile that Jeff had to leave the room. When he returned the next morning somehow the smell had gotten much worse. This is event is now known as what?
    (The Christmas miracle)

    Again Goose was flexing his Dawkins trophy by guessing Napalm. Although it was incorrect, I hereby place it #2 on the list of potential FNG names. (Just behind Texaco Cat of course)

    Shoutout to This first hand account added by none other than Jeff Mitchell, who claims his smell never fully recovered.

    AB thank you for the gift of trivia this year. We are proud to call you our Llama Mama.

    In February God was with us on the run.

    2/17/24
    “It’s Only A Mile”

    We recognized two major memories from this awesome day and what is hoped to be a Thibodaux staple event.

    The first was Coach Goose. Anyone who ran more than a lap that day was aided by the one part field general/one part friend that provided stalwart support until the end.
    We also unknowingly picked up our Rookie of the Year, White Meat.

    Maybe it was the movie references or perhaps the pastalaya but he was there at the stage the following Monday rattling off Big Lebowski quotes like a pax veteran. We missed the mark on not naming this man Double Toilet but it’s been great getting to know the Meat and see him rapidly improve.

    Run lap- 10 Goosies
    Run Back 20 picklePounders

    Thank you Goose for your leadership and thank you White meat for courage to try something new.

    In March God was with us building our spiritual foundation brick by brick .

    3/21/24 Popeye VQ

    YHC would be flat out lying if I told you I wasn’t atleast a bit scared/concerned at what a Popeye Q might be. And based on the absolute silence of this usually chattering group during the beginning of the VQ some others were curious where the pain would come from as well. We stayed off his grass and all survived that day and ever since he has set the tone yielding his equally effective weapons of bricks and Yacht Rocks.

    YHC found a song that was Yacht Rockish and represented Pops previous solo brick routine.

    Coupon skips on our mystery song.

    “All by myself “ equals burpee

    One minute off per answer was the plan but these were fairly difficult and YHCs twang did not help a thorough explanation.

    Answers :

    – “ALL by myself “
    – Artist – Eric Carmen
    – other biggest hit song was “hungry eyes” featured in mutiple commercials to represent lusting after foods
    – What Band did he leave: The raspberries
    – Raspberry hit song was “Go all the away” – (hint: on guardians of galaxy soundtrack)

    Thank you Pop for the tough love and for the Sailing lessons.

    In April God was with us as we crank the intensity and carrying our burdens.

    Yankee Jeaux has a well established resume of mega holiday beatdowns that many broadway production companies would envy. Yet he continued to push the bar higher with this Holy Week Stations of the Cross bd. It had the perfect blend of physical demand, silent reflection and opportunity for unity in suffering.

    Thank you YJ, we secretly love your monologues.

    Rucking also exploded onto the F3 Thib scene in the spring of ‘24 so we honored the Co-founders of Warrior Wednesday -Smooth and Honeysuckle. ( and a Tidy Whitey shoutout). These pax showed Great initiative to start and maintain a change of pace on Wednesdays. The ruck/run allows for open conversations and a simple format. Just ask Smooth all you need is a Jansport and a few hammers.

    Both of these pax are connoisseurs of fine country so YHC dialed up ole King George.

    “Carrying your love with me”
    Coupon Step ups

    A classic Smooth “Okay” was the general sentiment regarding coupon step ups.

    Thank you HoneySuckle for your consistency, quality franchise Beatledowns and your God gifted infinity lungs

    Thank you Smooth for cutting edge Maul/tire beatdowns and for always embracing a heavy load with a laugh and an “okay”

    In May God was with us during a challenge.

    This May we had a few wrinkles added to the annual May challenge . Some fasting , mutiple extra point grab opportunities and 3am -6 am 10 mile ruck Ruck that launched 1000 wife complaint’s. It led to some awesomely weird conversations and some revelations about valves call schedule.

    To honor the super ruck and the Dawson 2.0s leading a Weird Al resurgence YHC found a little “YODA” .

    Coup Calf raise on song
    Curls on YODA

    Thanks to Ronnie for giving me a template to ask my M about a middle of the night ruck. (It didn’t help)

    In June God was with us to deal with transitions.

    This one needs little introduction.
    Mr Summerwind expressed all my feelings completely.

    Cardinal to MC
    “80 miles to Santa Fe”

    Parked – Squat
    Lake- Bonnie Blair
    Santa Fe – SSH

    We miss ya Cardinal.
    Beatdown field trip in 2025- it’s happening. Thanks for encouraging the deeper questions and being a rock in our community.

    In July God was with us to move heavy things.

    Wet Tap continued to carve his niche as our Pax premier expert in Coupons of unusual size (COUS). directly or indirectly introducing Black Betty and Tiny this year we learned to fear seeing the high country back into a lot with no cinders in sight.

    Song “Black Betty” by Ram Jam
    We did OHP on Black Betty and Bama Lam

    Thank you Tap, for seeing coupons everywhere you look.

    Mid Year Intermission Song:
    SSHs while YHC highlighted Lil Cuz’s innate ability to add valuable commentary on all things. Everyone sharpens iron in their own way and for Cuz it’s letting you know your beatdown monologue made him uncomfortable and that the veggie tray could use ranch.

    Thank you Cuz for Keeping the bar high. If your brothers aren’t first, your last. Some pax whispers about a 2025 Earl Dibbles bd?!

    In August, God was with us in the Danger.

    The character arc of Safety Valve from friendly neighbor to Monday Supervillain has been nothing short of amazing. To sum it up best I pulled the YELP reviews from the pax on Mondays after a standard valve bd:

    Popeye: Is Valve okay?

    White Meat: I’m hurting Linda.

    Goose: Does his insurance cover therapy? Asking for a friend.

    Pope: I feel a new sensation of being short of breath.

    Popeye: seriously, he ok?

    …it goes on like that for a few pages.

    To honor our much loved merkin maniac YHC called in some classic Kenny Loggins.
    Highway to the Danger Valve
    IW -Song
    Double Merkin Burpee on Danger Zone.

    Thanks for never letting off the gas Valveline.
    I like the way you hurt a man.

    In September God was with us to sharpen Iron.

    Remind me again, Whose idea was Iron PAX plus BK 500 in the same month?! We must have been really high on Jersey Mikes that day.

    As it happened, September 2024 at F3 Thibodaux was a minefield of some of the most difficult beatdowns we’ve ever attempted. It seems the brain trust up in Greenwood got together this year and decided there was a nationwide deficit in thrusters and burpees. This led to several snot woggle Saturdays where the legs were weakened but the shared suffering was stronger than ever.

    To cap off the month we pivoted our annual SV500 into a fall friendly event and this year supported the nonprofit Brothers Keeper. Goose kept tradition by building a ridiculous but well thought out 20 station course that was much more defensible against questionable form. Inch worm merkins and the station 1 Dora still keep pax in cold sweats.

    The dark horse team of Valve and Cardinal , now simply known as Second Collection, won the overall category and we’re still investigating that “anonymous” benefactor.

    Song:
    GreenDay
    “Wake me up when September Ends “

    On your 6 Hold coupon in press position.
    Alt between flutter kicks , heels to heaven , leg raises.
    WW3 sit-ups on “September”

    Thanks to all who made the BK500 a great success.

    In October/November God was with us to converge with our fellow brothers and to celebrate several milestones.
    Our Bayou pax of 4 years , Goose with a 5 year and the NOLA region hit the 10 year mark!

    These milestones could only be recognized by The GOOSELIZER. (As designed and led by Goose on the spot at Convergence)
    A deconstructed SSH montage with plank jacks in between. It’s a thing of synchronized beauty.

    Thanks to our NOLA brothers for continued support.

    And finally we adjusted our reverse time dilators as we arrived back at December safely at our cozy stage.

    December brings the season of Paxmas beatdowns as we prepare the way together. We had to adjust our Christmas carol expectations and even saw an exposed coca Cola Santa for the fraud he is. Chests and Butts were roasted on an open fire as ThighKowsky made a final bow. We saw a new grinch bring the Whoville pain and we were yearning for a YJ soliloquy. All this bringing us to an open field, a sky full of stars and vintage Goosing complete with 9000 pancakes plus a question :“Could we allow God to be bigger than us ?”

    Song : God is with Us
    Artist: For King and Country
    -Coupon High Knees
    -Thrusters on God is with Us

    The last counting and naming of 2024 then in another slightly less smelly miracle YHC gifted the Push-up Pimp to Valve.
    Great year of growth brother.

    Announcements
    -Get on Da Q Sheet
    -Feb 8 It’s only a Mile
    -White Mystery Meat Q (TBD)

    Prayers
    – winter illness’s
    – Holiday anxieties

    Thank you pax for these gifts and of the opportunity to lead and share together in all things that God provided in 2024.

    I’ll wrap us up with a little sprinkle of what Mr. Clive Staples had to say on this matter and as my own challenge for 2025.

    “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

    I pray we can see all things in this new year with the Light He provides.

    God is with us.

    SYITG
    Dox

  • With Speed – from America’s Best

    Having arrived early for set-up, YHC drove over to where the flags should be to get this thing started.
    Warmarama with the usual stuff.
    Indian Run down the road and back again, to the field.

    First Thing:
    Since the numbers were low today, we would experiment with a little Dora-like exercise that will be used in a future beatdown. Just needed to be tested in a small beatdown laboratory today. Partnering up, Partner1 begins burpee while Partner2 Bear-crawls about 15 yard before turning around and coming back to retrieve partner. Then both partners crab walk to the end and complete 10 burpees each. Finish is when 100 burpees have been completed total. All subjects survived (Maneater had not yet injured his back), so it will be integrated into the future BD as planned.

    Next thing:
    Working on foot eye coordination, PAX will have to attempt a long shot at a small goal. All misses result in 10 of something. The closer you are to the goal, the better the exercise. Within 1st cone, LBCs; within 2nd cone, BBS; within 3rd cone, merkins, within 4th cone, Goosies; outside of any of those, burpees.
    I can’t remember exactly how this played out, but I remember White Meat had one amazing shot and one horrible one, and Lil Cuz scored one. Dox definitely kicked one the farthest for 10 burpees. Maneater had not yet injured his back.

    Final Thing:
    Michigan PE teacher Elmer Mitchell created this sport in 1921 (and it was played one year in middle school PE by YHC in 1987), naming it Speedball to evoke the combined feeling of stimulation and depression that comes with being a PE teacher in 1921 (or of being in a middle school PE class in 1987).
    Speedball is a combination of many other sports. Notably, it can be played on a field of any size or location so it’s perfect for the amorphous unbounded field we typically use. Teams were made. Trash was talked. Feelings were hurt. Maneater injurted his back. The Speedball Transfer Portal was opened. It was a close match, but one of the two teams won.
    Moseyed back to the spot where the flags should be for COT.

    SYITG,

    AB

  • Long and Whining Road – from Honeysuckle

    The PAX arrived to a sub-40 degree, dew-covered Lion’s Den. They were beaming like an Eagle Sunrise with the confidence that YHC would keep their shoes clean and grassless. Valve was waiting behind Aldi until post-SSH’s. Chatter was at an 11.

    Waramarama: SSH, Imperial Walkers, Slow High Knees, Slow Butt Kicks, Arm Circles, Cherry Pickers, Windmills, Willie Mays Hayes

    The Thang:

    The demise of the Free Solo franchise has left an emptiness in the PAX the size of a time dilator. So YHC took it upon himself to reprise a Beatledown (thanks Prof Dox) following September’s AB-bey Road. Today would be a trip through the Let it Be album, and the discerning ears of today’s PAX would surely recognize it as the “Let it Be (Naked)” re-release, with a lot of the musical embellishments and chatter removed. Unfortunately, YHC would have a much tougher time removing chatter today.

    Get Back: PAX run around the civic center, and on the “Get Back” choruses, switch to nur.
    YHC advised the PAX to stay on the sidewalk, which further lulled them into a sense of dryness.

    Dig a Pony: Grab coupons, WWIII situps during verses, and 15 standard presses during the chorus. This was done on the sidewalk. Some pax saw moving diamonds in the sky (not sure about lucy).

    For you Blue: Head to the steps. 25 Johnny Dangers (calf raises), finish running up the steps, across to the other steps, head down and back around. “So we don’t just go back and forth? We have to run through the cold wet grass?” Yes.

    The Long and Winding Road: This is where it became full horror movie. Bear crawl snake was done in the grass. The pain felt in our hands was only eased by their eventual numbness. However, YHC was impressed at the speed that the bear crawl snake progressed.

    Two of Us: PAX paired up, did 10 partner derkins, partner drag to the other sidewalk, 10 more partner derkins (roles flipped), partner drag back. Valve and YHC wisely partnered up.

    I’ve got a feeling: Hillbilly walkers during song, and Bobby Hurley on every “oh yeah” and “oh no”. Only YHC had any idea of what was going on at this point, with the only consolation being that “don’t let me down” was coming up.

    One after 909: 9’s instead of 11’s. J-los on one side, wife pleasers on the other. No one completed these before the song was over, but we got sort of close.

    Don’t let me down: Rifle hold the coupon during the “don’t let me down” parts. Thrusters during each verse of the other parts. This was a chatter killer. One day, YHC may look back at this beatdown and decide that “Don’t Let Me Down” was the only decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole cold dewy mess.

    At this point there were 3 more songs to go (of a 35 minute album) but 3 minutes left, so we skipped to Let it Be and did Mary to wrap it up.

    COT: announcements, intentions, AB prayed us out

    Always a pleasure working out with this group. Lots of moving parts and jumping from one song to another definitely added confusion but at least it made the time go by more slowly. Maybe we’ll see another Beatledown in the future. Until then, may your life be filled with Cold Dewy Fields Forever.

  • Free Solo Episode VIII: There’s No Hope – from America’s Best

    A Long Time Ago, in an AO not so far away…

    It is a period of civil war.
    Rebel HIMs, feigning ignorance
    of the rules from prior beatdowns, have
    angered for the last time
    the frustrated Q.

    During the beatdown, the
    PAX managed to start by
    pretending to not understand the Q’s
    ultimate weapon, the
    FREE SOLO, a carefully-crafted
    beatdown with enough
    power to destroy an entire
    planet.

    Flummoxed by their lack of musical knowledge
    and self-awareness, Popeye
    stepped in and identified
    most songs, while the others
    were content to plod on
    through the exercises,
    continuing to climb that hill…

    The instructions were simple. The rules were the same. Nobody cared.

    While the PAX knocks out some exercises, the solo from a song is played. The song has some connection to one person in the PAX. One of three things affects the next thang:
    1. The person for whom the song tolls identifies the song during the solo. If this occurs, the PAX simply take a lap around the Civic Center.
    2. Someone else in the PAX identifies the song during the solo. The consequence of this is a MOT up the hill without a coupon, and 3 burpees at the top. Mosey back down.
    3. Nobody identifies the song, and the consequence is MOT with coupon up the hill, and manmakers at the top. Rifle carry back down.

    The exercises:
    1.Mountain Climbers- bear (block)crawl
    2.Jump squats – murder bunnies/bunny hops
    3. Merkins- El Capitan
    4.Curls – carioke/bricklayers
    5.Half WW3 sit-ups – inchworm(blockees)
    6.V-ups – killer Roos/broad jump
    7.Burpees- crab walk (with/without coupon)

    While the instructions were clearly stated, the consensus amongst the PAX was “What is going on?”
    After several rounds, most of the PAX halfway understood. I guess some people are visual learners.

    First song: a cover of Take on Me, by the band Goose. Months ago, YHC added this to a beatdown and made a point to tell Goose directly about the song, the cover, and the band. But Goose had to be Goose, and feigned ignorance so we could do more work.
    Another Song: Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Safety Valve has been lulled into thinking if it’s not about flying, it’s not about him. And this song was recorded twenty years before he was born.
    Cherub Rock for Honeysuckle was identified by Popeye, and eventually someone knew it was for HS.
    Lawyers, Guns, and Money by Warren Zevon – unknown to everyone somehow.
    Honeysuckle texted me months ago to suggest that “All of My Love” by Led Zeppelin sure does sound a lot like “Olive, My Love.” Genius. It was obviously much too dark in the gloom to see how much everyone loved this Popeye reference. In space, no one can hear you smirk.
    “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” by Great White… Popeye quickly ID’d it, mentioning “This band is fire.” Too soon, Popeye, too soon.
    And so, amidst the confusion, Popeye and Honeysuckle identified a few songs, although nobody identified their own. But really, nobody was expected to.

    Like tic-tac-toe and Global Thermonuclear War, there’s no way to win this game. You’re not supposed to play it. That’s why the reward for actually succeeding is just running a lap. That may be exercise, but not as we know it. In the words of NORAD supercomputer WOPR, “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

    And yet somehow Paradox identified Dr. Feelgood almost immediately. Somebody make him an international incident negotiator… or at least put him on my Applebees Trivia Night team.

    Thang 2: Lighting Round –
    We do burpees during a mountain-themed song until someone names the song (then they change the exercise)

    Song1: Mountain Song (Jane’s addiction)
    Popeye identified it I think; not sure if he changed anything.

    Song 2: Running Up That Hill (a Deal With God). Identified by Honeysuckle (although he didn’t realize it). Changed exercise to Freddy Mercurys , then we El Capitan’ed up the hill for the remainder. When YHC changed the lyric to “ lunging up that hill,” Pope quickly added “Make a deal with quads.”
    Good, Pope. I can feel your schmaltz. Strike me down with all your humor and your journey toward the Dad Jokes will be complete!

    Song 3: There is a Mountain by Donovan. Crowd favorite to end it.

    Mosey to flag for COT

    Thanks for putting up with it, my dudes. Always an honor to lead.

    -AB

    …and don’t worry—nobody will have to try and figure this game out again. For better or for worse, sometimes a trilogy should remain a trilogy.

  • Free Solo, Episode VIII: There’s No Hope – from America’s Best

    A Long Time Ago, in an AO not so far away…

    It is a period of civil war.
    Rebel HIMs, feigning ignorance
    of the rules from prior beatdowns, have
    angered for the last time
    the frustrated Q.

    During the beatdown, the
    PAX managed to start by
    pretending to not understand the Q’s
    ultimate weapon, the
    FREE SOLO, a carefully-crafted
    beatdown with enough
    power to destroy an entire
    planet.

    Flummoxed by their lack of musical knowledge
    and self-awareness, Popeye
    stepped in and identified
    most songs, while the others
    were content to plod on
    through the exercises,
    continuing to climb that hill…

    The instructions were simple. The rules were the same. Nobody cared.
    While the PAX knocks out some exercises, the solo from a song is played. The song has some connection to one person in the PAX. One of three things affects the next thang:
    1. The person for whom the song tolls identifies the song during the solo. If this occurs, the PAX simply take a lap around the Civic Center.
    2. Someone else in the PAX identifies the song during the solo. The consequence of this is a MOT up the hill without a coupon, and 3 burpees at the top. Mosey back down.
    3. Nobody identifies the song, and the consequence is MOT with coupon up the hill, and manmakers at the top. Rifle carry back down.

    The exercises:
    Mountain Climbers- bear (block)crawl
    Jump squats – murder bunnies/bunny hops
    Merkins- El Capitan
    Curls – carioke/bricklayers
    Half WW3 sit-ups – inchworm(blockees)
    V-ups – killer Roos/broad jump
    Burpees- crab walk (c coupon

    While the instructions were clearly stated, the consensus amongst the PAX was “What is going on?”
    After several rounds, most of the PAX halfway understood. I guess some people are visual learners.
    First song: a cover of Take on Me, by the band Goose. Months ago, YHC added this to a beatdown and made a point to tell Goose directly about the song, the cover, and the band. But Goose had to be Goose, and feigned ignorance so we could do more work.
    Another Song: Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Safety Valve has been lulled into thinking if it’s not about flying, it’s not about him. And this song was recorded twenty years before he was born.
    Cherub Rock for Honeysuckle was identified by Popeye, and eventually someone knew it was for HS.
    Lawyers, Guns, and Money by Warren Zevon – unknown to everyone somehow.
    Honeysuckle texted me months ago to suggest that “All of My Love” by Led Zeppelin sure does sound a lot like “Olive, My Love.” Genius. It was obviously much too dark in the gloom to see how much everyone loved this Popeye reference. In space, no one can hear you smirk.
    “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” by Great White… Popeye quickly ID’d it, mentioning “This band is fire.” Too soon, Popeye, too soon.
    And so, amidst the confusion, Popeye and Honeysuckle identified a few songs, although nobody identified their own. But really, nobody was expected to.

    Like tic-tac-toe and Global Thermonuclear War, there’s no way to win this game. You’re not supposed to play it. That’s why the reward for actually succeeding is just running a lap. That may be exercise, but not as we know it. In the words of NORAD supercomputer WOPR, “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

    And yet somehow Paradox identified Dr. Feelgood almost immediately. Somebody make him an international incident negotiator… or at least put him on my Applebees Trivia Night team.

    Thang 2: Lighting Round –
    We do burpees during a mountain-themed song until someone names the song (then they change the exercise)
    Song1: Mountain Song (Jane’s addiction)
    Popeye identified it I think; not sure if he changed anything.
    Song 2: Running Up That Hill (a Deal With God). Identified by Honeysuckle (although he didn’t realize it). Changed exercise to Freddy Mercurys , then we El Capitan’ed up the hill for the remainder. When YHC changed the lyric to “ lunging up that hill,” Pope quickly and even more wittily added “ make a deal with quads.”
    …Good, Pope. I can feel your schmaltz. I am defenseless. Strike me down with all your humor, and your journey towards the Dad Jokes will be complete!
    Song 3: There is a Mountain by Donovan. Crowd favorite to end it.

    Mosey to flag for COT
    Thanks for putting up with it, my dudes. Always an honor to lead.

    AB

    And don’t worry—nobody will have to try and figure this game out again. For better or worse, sometimes a trilogy should remain a trilogy.

  • Railroaded – from Goose

    YHC was admittedly excited about the idea for this beatdown. It came much earlier than the usual 10pm the night before, and YHC even hyped it two days early hoping to stir some interest. However, with crickets on the GroupMe and excuses flying like flatulence at the Lion’s Den, it looked like there may be no one to enjoy such a highly anticipated feast of chance, strategy, teamwork, and train tracks. But, a strong representation of the PAX (even Dox, who had to leave early to get to clinics) charitably made their way to the Peltch this morning worked up enough interest to make it all feel worthwhile.

    Enough of the pleasantries, this beatdown was a cutthroat competition for European dominance via railway, and it went something like this:

    YHC: Alright, 6:30, let’s get warmed up.

    White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)

    (…this leads to all but Valve discussing said movie, which left YHC and Valve the only ones doing any counting. Some definite foreshadowing here…)

    (All mosey to the Thunderdome where the board game “Ticket to Ride is set up on a cinder block-carboard table)

    YHC: Ok, here are the rules. We’ll split up into three teams of three players each.

    (Counts off–teams are: 1. Dox, AB, YJ 2. Pope, White Meat, Duke 3. Valve, Maneater, YHC)

    YHC: Each team will pick a card, which has a route on it. You’ll need to place your colored train cars on the different colored tracks that will connect all the cities on your route to connect the start and end points in a non-stop chain of trains.

    Dox to AB: Ok, if we start with this one here in Zurich, we can connect to Venezia…

    YHC: Hey, listen to the instructions, you can strategize later.

    Dox: I can do both at the same time.

    YHC: Not so sure. …So, you can claim a track connecting two cities if you do the exercises and the reps that correspond to the color of the track and the number of train cars it indicates you need. So,…

    AB to Dox: I think we should make our way through Duetchland. Did you notice that I said “Deutchland”? That’s because I…

    YHC: You’re gonna want to pay attention to this. So, if a track has three red car spaces, you would look at this board and see that a red car space means 15 merkins, so each member of your team would need to do 45 merkins.

    YJ: (While AB and Dox are whispering and pointing to Amsterdam) Wait, what color are we?

    YHC: And, if there is an engine on a space, that means you need to run to the gate and back.

    Maneater: Nope

    YHC: And, if another team claimed a track you need, you can put one of your stations on the city it connects to and use that track, but a station is earned by your whole team bear crawling around the perimeter of the thunderdome.

    Dox to AB: …and if we cut through Budapest…

    YHC: Oh, and these spaces outlined in black are tunnels. That means the reps are doubled for those spaces. Here are the exercises and reps indicated by each color track/space on the board:

    -Red: 15 Merkins
    -Black: 10 Burpees
    -Blue: 15 Jump Squats
    -White: 15 Bonnie Blairs (2:1)
    -Green: 20 Big Boy Situps
    -Orange: 20 Crunchy Frogs
    -Pink: 20 Toe taps (plank, reach through and touch opposite toe, 2:1)
    -Yellow: Line jumps for 1 min, 20 second break between (two feet jump back and forth over a line)

    White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)

    YHC: Once you’ve completed the route on the card, you can pick another route card, either a short one or a long one, but if you pick it, you’re committed to completing it. For the cards you complete, you get the number of points indicated on the card, but for the ones incompleted, you lose that number of points. You also will get points for each train car on the board, and the longer the track chosen between cities, the more points you get for it.

    AB to Dox: …we should definitely go through Essen. I have a lot of friends there…

    YHC: Any questions? Guys! I said, “Any questions?”

    YJ: Wait, what team am I on?

    YHC: Ok, begin!

    (YHC, Valve, and Maneater immediately start cranking out 60 crunchy frogs apiece, and White Meat, Pope, and Duke are doing what seems to be 10 minutes worth of big boys. Meanwhile, the blue team seems to have claimed three or four full tracks before anyone else gets back to the board.)

    Dox: Alright, now we just need these three and an engine to go up to Kobenhaven…

    Valve: No! Why in the world do you need Kobenhaven?? Goose! We gotta run!

    Maneater: Oh, God

    (Goose and Valve take off in an effort to beat AB, Dox, and YJ to the gate and back, but it doesn’t matter–somehow, they’ve already done the other exercise reps needed to claim that track, so YHC’s team is stuck with a perimeter bear crawl in order to place a station. I mena, you can’t get to Stockholm without going through Kobenhaven!)

    White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)

    Dox: Alright, we’re done with this route, let’s pick another card.

    Pope: (as he finishes his 80th Bonnie Blair) Did he say “done with this route”?

    YHC (internally): I never want to do another crunchy frog for as long as I live.

    Valve to Maneater and YHC: Well, it looks like we could either do 60 burpees or 80 crunchy frogs to get to Pamplona.

    Maneater and YHC: Crunchy frogs it is.

    Pope: No! Blue claimed the track we needed again! I guess those Bonnie Blairs were wasted. Gotta do another perimeter craw.

    AB: We’re running out of blue train cars to put on the board. Let’s just start using the black ones.

    Dox to AB and YJ: Alright, we’ve done seventeen cards, and it’s 7:15, so I’ve got to go. You guys ought to be able to get another ten or twelve, huh?

    AB and YJ: You bet–we’ve got plenty of gas in the tank. This is fun!

    YHC to Valve: (panting heavily) I’m having trouble seeing straight–what color is that?

    Valve: It’s blue–they’re all over the board, like a stage 4 cancer

    White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)

    AB to YJ: So, that’s 60 total big boys. How many have you done so far?

    YHC to AB: Wait, are you guys each doing all the reps, or are you splitting the total amongst your team?

    AB: Don’t worry, we’re splitting them up. We wouldn’t be so crazy as to each do all those reps. That would be ridiculous.

    YHC to White Meat and Pope: Are you guys splitting them up?

    Pope: No, we’re each doing the whole rep total.

    YHC to AB: Exactly! That’s what we’re all supposed to be doing!

    AB: Dox was confident that he heard it was a compilation. And now he’s on his way to work soothing his lemon truck woes with the smug confidence of an inevitable victory.

    Valve to YHC: Injustice happens. Looks like we’re bear crawling another lap.

    (AB and YJ honorably change their rep counts with 10 minutes left to match the actual rules somehow missed in the explanation, knowing that there will be some substantial point docking at the end. The other two teams keep on keeping on, all the while completely avoiding all black tracks. Seriously, not one burpee was done. It’s amazing what lengths we’ll go to to avoid burpees when given any other option.
    7:30 hit and points were tallied with the blue team graciously forfeiting 1/3 of their points. Counted off and three wearables were rewarded: Phil the Pain went to Pope, The Fire Within went to Valve, and Blue Tube went to YHC)

    YJ: (Prayer)

    White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)

  • Acrogym – from Paradox

    Non expanding recreational foam (NERF).

    Sounds harmless. Sounds goofy. Sounds, dare I say , fun. But what if YHC told you an individual spent major portions of their life playing with the aforementioned materials and never once asked what it stood for. Now before you go and title my biography “Blissful Ignorance “ let’s go deeper. What if that same individual led an entire sophomore classroom in a riot after answering a teacher “nerf or nothing“ as an answer to an algebra problem. Lots of self worth tied up in a hidden acronym right? That’s the depth of emotional trauma YHC found himself experiencing after learning of the truth about NERF. How many more acronyms were out there, hiding in plain site, ruining lives??Are there others who have been hurt like this? This could happen to anyone!!

    Two options were left , stew in my rapidly expanding negativity or let it fuel a recreational campaign so that no man would ever be hurt by an acronym like this again.

    So PAX, today I bring you…

    ACROGYM!

    DUKE !
    Convert that DOS to film and Roll the beautiful footage!

    9 Tuesday Tuff regulars at the stage with light hints of fall weather.. (no sudden movements, we don’t want to spook it)

    YHC moseyed in from a quality control check on Settlement porta potties, reporting to the pax that all were aging like fine wines.
    Props to the men who weathered both the sweet and sour Valve beatdowns of Saturday and Monday, many well earned groans were heard in warmups. Valve enjoyed hearing the sweet symphony of weakness leaving their bodies.

    We headed into yonder loop with a standard issue Indian Run 3 Apollo drop off.

    YHC struggled to find true acronyms named bands or songs so I went all in for a REM mile and peppered the pax with some of their top hits. Goose smelled the competition like a shark with blood and was warming up the neurons connecting Apollos and “Man on the Moon” while giving VH1 level behind the scenes info on their videos. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I found out REM and Depeche Mode existed in the spring of ‘24….everybody hurts, even Goose sometimessss.

    Tha THANG

    Split into teams
    -teams designate a Speaker/writer
    (Man must be gifted in writing and moseying simultaneously)

    Classic 1/2 numbering stacked up the trivia titans of Americas Best Goose & Suckle (sounds like a really weird bar in Austin…a story for another time) .

    They looked around nodding like the trivia version of the 85 Bears linebacker core and YHC had to intervene before someone got hurt.

    Somewhat more evenly balanced teams were restored and YHC would serve as live corespondent.

    Rules:
    -Introduce the Acronym.
    -Each team mumbles incoherently then runs in opposite direction to complete 10 jump squats and 10 merkins then run back all while discussing what the acronym stands for.
    -Writes answer on board (in a timely and legible manner)
    -reveal , winner with most correct words/points

    Winner
    LBCs/SSH

    Loser
    10 Thrusters

    Tie – 7 burpees

    Journal Observations

    -I was never offered a bribe for hints which was honorable although significant amounts of snark, board holding, and “cursive writing” were frowned upon.

    -Team AB approach:
    Step 1: hey does anybody know this one?
    Step 2: ask Maneater if he is in IT?
    Step 3 : wildly accept guesses on the run back while AB initimidates the other team with his LL stats.

    -Team Goose approach
    Step 1: Listen in awe at Honeysuckle’s clear logical thought process and bottomless tech vocabulary.
    Step 2: repeat step 1 and fill in the gaps with hieroglyphics.

    Let’s begin:

    LASER
    Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission Radiation

    Team Goose off to a solid start with what will be the only perfect score. Team AB with 3/5 and ate a thruster sandwich, a bit unfair here as HS deals with “sharks with freaking laser beams” as part of his defense contract

    BASE (jumping)
    Building , Antenna, Spans, and Earth

    Tie Game

    Most of the processing speed over at Team AB went to congratulating themselves on making the E “Edge”. Ronnie protested that true courage entails not putting limits on where one can BASE jump.

    ****Musical Interlude ***
    REM
    End of the World
    IW on Song
    Goosie On “End of the World”

    *Lenny Bruce checks under his bed for Goosies

    CAPTCHA
    Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart

    Some great chatter over at Team Goose led to a win followed by a flatulent Pope captcha on his father’s own coupon. Can concrete hold scent particles, only Alan Turing knows.

    ZIP (code)
    Zone Improvement Plan

    Tie game as both teams secured “zone” and later spawned a potential “guess that zip code” mini beatdown.

    JPEG
    Joint Photographic Expert Group

    -teams had broken down into crude insults and resume inquiries at this point . No hint of joint expert groups on either side.

    TASER
    Thomas A Swifts Electric Rifle

    -most of the chatter here concentrated on potential for Thomas Rosyters All Natural Bee Rifle – patent pending. Just know if you roll into Rienzi unannounced that he’s packing.

    Throwback sprint finale:
    DOS (as in MS-DOS)
    Disc operating system

    Both teams were close enough here to avoid thrusters and the plant siren was calling 6am.

    Ronnie passed along Animal to Meat for reckless endangerment while his chest hair alone worked its way up the “voter distraction” list.

    Intentions for continued medical work up for mutiple 2.0s

    COT and Valve prayed us out

    Postscript:

    Bacronym to the Future

    PAX,

    This is Dox writing you from the year 2054, inside the Rienzi stronghold that is now Merica.

    We remain the last of our species rebellion in the great ChatGPT war.

    We are safe at the moment, between waves of CAPTCHA mediated extermination by the artificial intelligent enemy.
    Professor Suckles patented Bee Laser (Blaser) has the stronghold secure and keeps the GPT drones away.

    President Wells still leads the human race as he was a pioneer in spotting AIs weakness to understand the futility of passive aggressive unnecessary emails. It was our biggest breakthrough since the war began , allowing us to pinpoint other computer blindspots and communicate under their RADARs with ancient JPEGs and DOS files.

    Slowly the remaining members of the human race realized that a small band of men had actually unknowingly been training to beat the CAPTCHA test. You see, AI could scope the width and depth of the internet, calculate algorithms at an instant, and even produce a hi res images of your friends with bicep veins. But gradually we began to find that the gaps of AI knowledge were actually the cornerstones of male bonding.

    AI couldn’t decipher the unspoken message of a Nicolas Cage GIF. AI didn’t know why LBC methane labeled as “airport cheese” gets a laugh everytime. There is no processor for understanding why an educated man would make “Turn Down for What” his anthem. Not enough RAM to see why a 10 second video of a snapping Turla could become a lifelong inside joke.

    But it was just there.

    Outside of the ones and zeroes, in the gloom of our shared suffering and in the image of our creator we gained our edge.

    That’s why you men must continue to sharpen the irons of F3 Thib.

    One day in the future the CAPTCHA will be at the door.

    And when it ask if ye be man or bot?

    You will know ..

    It’s NERF or nothing .

    SYITG
    Dox

  • Halloween 2: Brick or Crete – from Paradox

    It’s been a minute since YHC has gone full “get off my lawn” but nothing brings out the rose colored glasses quite like a good Americanized holiday so just hear me out.
    (If you can imagine me in a rocking chair with a pipe, jorts, mason jar, and a sleeveless Skynyrd shirt then it will help)

    Here’s the simple fact to address today boys…Trick or Treat has gone soft. I see you nodding at home. You have all seen it. Full sized candy bars, watered down jump scares , all treat with no trick. Amazon stock costumes that were 2-day shipped cus their parents forgot . Is this KitKat sigma or will I have to use your Skibidi? Does my hulk have enough Gyat for you?

    Where do we draw the line?

    Back in myyyy dayyy you got dropped off to “go work the hood” with a home made power ranger suit that was a red hoodie and a piece of rope for a belt and when you stepped on a porch the response could be anything from grandmas cough drops to a full R- rated murder simulation. Your jr high janitor dressed as a zombie and loaded on 5 bud heavies may grab your ankle as you run from the yard. You fled with a single kernel of candy corn and your life intact then you reset and head to the next house. Adrenaline in its purest form right there in the fall of 1995.

    And so today YHC says enough is enough. This is where I put my untethered hulk foot down.
    For 45 minutes we would harken to the days of old and restore the mystery of trick or treating .

    Duke!!
    Put down that Chinese menu and roll the footage! It’s the Halloween beatdown.

    8 pax strong at the Den which had been prepped and ready for Popeyes mayorial campaign rally later in the day. His 3 pronged platform has a massive following already but I’ll lay it out for you:
    1. bbq 2. Beer 3. Reduce unnecessary emails.
    (People with follow up questions are asked to leave)

    The pax pivoted to a well lit corner setup for the usual warmups as YHC arrived in full flex and had early concerns for vasoconstriction in my nether regions. They say you should dress for the job you want (more on that later) and while I’m not sure what that means for YHCs career our other costumed hero’s wanted a clear vision for their players and an infinity and beyond buzz from their drugs.
    Fred Lasseauxs whistle threatened to lead the beatdown all by itself but YHC pushed through and we got to the thang.

    ***Hidden Costume Honorable Mentions:
    -Goose as an alpha male that loathes a soft cadence

    Brick Indian Run
    Drop to 3 brick stars jumps while we got a good lather of Haloween tunes and YHC tried to drop a few lyrical hints for later.

    Da Thang

    Brick or Crete

    Each pax would experience the adventure of uncertainty and pick 1 ticket from the bucket.
    A few on there we didn’t get to so you can appreciate them now in the safety of your snuggy.

    B- Brick
    C- Crete
    L- Lyrics
    T- Trivia

    BRICKS
    1. Brickicide – Brick Release Merkins
    2. Brickicide – Brick SSH
    3. Brickicide Brick Star Jumps
    4. Let the bodies hit the Floor (plank – donkey kick on bodies , merkin on counts)
    5. Brick Thriller – brick burpees and side lunge brick raises on song

    CRETES
    1. When the Saints Go Marching In
    2. P1 OHP p2 run a lap around field
    3. 50 curls
    4. 50 skull crushers
    5. 10 saint makers

    LYRICS
    Incorrect guess will add 5 reps (5 guesses max)

    L-1Thriller
    L- 2 Superstitious
    L- 3 Werewolves in London

    TRIVIA

    T 1 Which Celtic festival did our modern customs of trick/treat and costumes originate ?
    (Samhain )

    T-2 In France this costume is illegal to wear over the age of 13 .
    (CLOWN)

    T 3 National retail federation names these the perennial number 1 costumes . One for adults , one for kids.
    1- witch
    2- princess

    Notes:
    -The pax burned up those two mosey breaks early and as predicted performed honorably in the trivia and lyrics divisions.
    -Saintmaker debut didn’t make any immediate Saints and may have destroyed a few friendships.
    -YHC lost his bricks in the Bermuda grass triangle of center field so often I think HS was chunking them when I wasn’t looking.
    -Brickicides might be my new fave routine. Def sequel material.

    We geared up and finished with a traditional “brick stabbed a guy with a trident” sprint to the flag to hide the evidence.

    Animal to Uncle Ronnie for his curling prowess.

    COT and HS prayed us out

    Thanks for monster smashing with me fellas. Grateful to lead.

    A Full Size Dox of Chocolates

    The Zordon Problem

    Ok, I’m officially off my soap box.
    I’ll put the pipe and mason jar up until next year. (Don’t take my Skynyrd shirt though )

    We’ll just let trick or treat be on probation for now. But here’s something for your coffee break.

    Every fall when it’s costume time I think back to the magical years of childhood where, for a few moments, it felt like I could actually become the red power ranger. Sure, Part of me realized that there may be far better career choices (stupid left brain) but the part that dominated YHCs psyche in 1995 was like “hey, I’m pretty decent working with others , the sword skills will follow right ? ”. But even with the gear, the attitude and the ninja skills I realized as a deflated 7 year old the real hard truth:

    I didn’t have a Zordon.

    As a quick crash course for the elders , Zordon was that floaty head guy that was responsible for fitting all the Power Rangers with their range of powers. He was essential for morphing Californian teens into legends of after school tv.
    So I had a clear goal and all the tools but realized I could ninja till ninjafinite and with no Zordon I would never don the red helmet. A real problem I couldn’t solve so I moved on to more immediate returns like bass fishing and Pokémon.

    I’m reminded of this , mostly , due to CS Lewis. Because at a certain time of my life this is exactly where I was “stuck” with Christianity. I had the mess that I knew my own self to be (a ratchet costume at best) on one end and the goal of being Christ-like (da OG Red Power Ranger) on the other end. Between the two seemed to be a mountainous gap of “well I’ll try to white knuckle it” or lots of “ it sure seems hopeless”.

    But CS Lewis’s book “Mere Christianity” helped to change this problem for me in a very powerful way. In the chapter “Let’s Pretend” he lays out the groundwork for truly being little Christs. You guys know I’m not much of a paraphraser so I’ve provided the two areas from the chapter that really brought this home for me:

    “You see what is happening. The Christ Himself, the Son of God who is man (just like you) and God (just like His Father) is actually at your side and is already at that moment beginning to turn your pretence into a reality.”

    “ It is not a question of a good man who died two thousand years ago. It is a living Man, still as much a man as you, and still as much God as He was when He created the world, really coming and interfering with your very self; killing the old natural self in you and replacing it with the kind of self He has.”

    There was the solution to the Zordon problem.

    We will never get there on our own or with purely human help but only with Him.

    Slowly and sometimes painfully morphing our make believe into His reality.

    Transforming our ambition into His will .

    Injecting our fears with His own Love.

    We are called to Put on Christ and my hope is it’s the last true costume we’ll ever need.

    SYITG
    Dox

  • Ghosts of Beatdowns Past – from America’s Best

    YHC had some unfinished business. IPC seemed like a distant memory, but with Halloween approaching, it seemed a fitting time to revisit the ghosts of beatdowns past.

    After going pro, Michael Jordan returned to UNC to get his bachelor’s degree. After Empire Strikes Back, Luke Skywalker returned to finish his training with Yoda. And so (hence?), after warmarama, YHC would return to finish some things that he just didn’t get done last time around.

    Warmarama: SSH, WMH, Toy soldiers, high knees, butt kicks, arm circles, Lafayette Night Clubs (which have become YHC’s new favorite), and self love before a quick bumper mosey.

    Thang No 1:
    IPC week 2, YHC had to bug out early, and thus (hence?) I did not finish the beatdown. The PAX would complete what I did not finish that day:
    40 Coupon plank Jacks, murder bunny 15 yards
    14 Cactus Jacks, Redrum Bunny back
    20 Merkins, Lt. Dan Magic Legs 15 yards,
    14 Cactus Jacks, Lt. Dan Magic Legs
    20 Coupon Plank Jacks
    Run 800 meters
    And that was it!
    We were finished, but YHC picked up significant whining.
    “I already did this!”
    “But WE didn’t leave early!”
    “I shaved my legs FOR THIS?”

    And so the next Thang would be something nobody finished.

    Thang No. 2:
    BK500 Dora Redux: Gimme that Gold!
    Every team in our Thibodaux PAX completed only the Bronze portion of the Dora. What a waste– those perfectly-curated Silver and Gold medal exercises were left just sitting there. Like the last batch of pancakes (which are the best because you finally got the griddle temperature and butter just right). Alas (hence?) they go uneaten because everyone is full of the early rounds. Not today! No, today we would feast on perfectly crunchy-edged thrusters with light fluffy curl interiors. Okay, not my best metaphor, but it went like this:
    Partner Up,
    Silver: 100 curls, partner rifle carry one-way, mosey the other (to the sidewalk and back)
    Gold: 100 Thrusters, partner bear crawl there and mosey back.

    And there was still time for another Thang!
    Thang No. 3:
    Wet Tap’s IPC-ish Beatdown that was almost finish-able
    YHC almost finished Wet Tap’s Hunter-Gatherer Beatdown, save one run and one set…
    Run 400 m
    10 Thrusters.

    At this point, the PAX was obviously sick of YHC’s leftovers. Of course, when you don’t want leftovers, one alternative is to go out to eat instead… growing up, there were several options, but only two of them resided in a PAX favorite song.
    Sometimes, you’d go out to eat and sit down to order, sometimes you’d hit up fast food and stand to order. And so during the song, the PAX would basically knock out some more Cactus Jacks, sitting each time you hear “Pizza Hut”, and hopping up each time you heard “Taco Bell.”

    Exactly 6 minutes remained, so we hit up some Mary. YHC: Wheezy Jefferson; Wet Tap: Hello Dolly–>Dr. Ws–>Franklin’s Tower; Safety Valve: Hold 6” (for a LONG time); Pope: V-ups; Goose: Big boy crunches?; White Meat: 10 count; and Honeysuckle brought us up right to 6am with Freddy Mercs. BUT the sugar mill whistle had not yet blown, so Paradox was able to shoehorn in just a few dolphin hops.

    COT and Paradox prayed us out.

    Thanks for coming out (and picking up my slack with me) men. Always an honor to lead.

    -AB

    Ghosts of Beatdown Past Official Playlist:

    Is there a Ghost – Band of Horses
    Space Ghost (Coast to Coast) – Glass Animals
    A Ghost to Most – Drive-By Truckers
    The Ghost in You – The Psychedelic Furs
    She Don’t Use Jelly – The Flaming Lips
    (Ghost)Riders in the Sky – Johnny Cash
    Walking with a Ghost – Tegan and Sarah
    Little Ghost – The White Stripes
    The Loneliest Ghost in Town – Southern Culture on the Skids
    Ghost – Phish
    Ghost Ship – Blur
    Ghostbusters – Ray Parker, Jr.