F3 New Orleans

Tag: Lil’ Cuz

  • 12…(13) Days of F3 Christmas – from Wiford Montana

    The pax coming off a strong performance at the peltch on saturday assembled for my 3rd que. This Monday was extra gloomy with fog and humidity rivaling that of mid July. 5:30 hit and we began with only what could be described as “hot garbage” of a cadence. Any confidence from que 2 was flushed like a goose post beatdown “thruster.” We had the usual stuff ending on a bumper mosey but I will be going back to the warm up tutorial video for my next que for sure.
    The Thang was the 12 days of F3 Christmas
    Day 1: lap around the stage track
    Day 2: burpees
    Day 3: merkins
    Day 4: Man Makers
    Day 5: Lunges
    Day 6: plank jacks
    Day 7: mountain climbers
    Day 8: crowd pleasing “thrusters”
    Day 9: LBCs
    Day 10: squats
    Day 11: SSH
    Day 12: Carolina Dry Docks

    After that 12th time around the track YHC can’t articulate what he felt but he knew no matter the faces the pax wanted……no, needed the Truth! Today gentleman is 13 days until Christmas, so alll thru the house not a creature was stirring when YHC announced day 13: BBS
    After that we had 2 minutes left so we got in 100 flutter kicks and Freddy’s till que failure. As I laid full extension on the ground looking up upon the sky, we counted off circle off and circle of Trust, YJ prayed us out
    #13days #thestage

  • Block Treatment (Party) – from Goose

    YHC has had the coupons in the back of his truck all week since Goats needed them on Saturday, Montana on Monday, and Paradox on Thursday. I didn’t feel like unloading them, so it seemed necessary to work them into this morning’s beatdown. The Block Treatment was conceived in YHC’s closet at 10:30pm last night, the only place in the house where a light is allowed, and it was born this morning at 6:30am after a short gestation. There were some, however, who wished that it had never been born, that it would have remained just a twinkle in YHC’s eye.
    After threatening to show the interesting bug bites YHC received during Paradox’s beatdown on Thursday and then thinking better of it, we commenced the usual warmups with the addition of something a little bit new. That’s where the mutinous thoughts began to get a foothold, and they’d continue to fester and grow through the remainder of the beatdown. Shoulder circles aren’t a huge change, but they were awkward enough, especially for our Awkardness Specialist, Enron, to merit some serious mumblechatter and sideways looks, especially from our Sideways Looks Specialist, Cardinal.
    The grumbling really began as YHC directed the PAX to the back of the Goose-Mobile to grab a coupon. We moseyed to the lower field and lined up on the “baseline” by the batter’s fence. Partners were chosen, and while Partner 1 farmer carried both of their coupons (carry two coupons, one in each hand, by your sides, like milk buckets), Partner 2 completed 5 burpees before catching up and and taking over. YHC partnered with Pope to save Paradox from the public humiliation of uneven traps since Pope had a lighter composite block. The coups were farmer carried around a large perimeter, one partner at a time, and since one lap didn’t take very long, YHC decided to add another. The traps and hands were burning nicely through that last stretch, and the PAX was glad for a break and to rest in the bliss of ignorance as to what was coming next.
    What came next was so difficult to understand that it took about five minutes into the exercise for all the PAX to finally get what we were trying to do. Enron was convinced that we were gonna try to make a block bi-locate, and Lil’ Cuz was murder bunnying off into the sunset before things finally settled down. The PAX would Indian Run around the same perimeter, the front man rifle-carrying a coupon, and the back man would run to the middle of the baseline where ANOTHER coupon awaited and murder bunny five steps with it toward the other end of the field (to the Christmas tree lights). Once five murder bunnies were completed, he’d run back to the front of the line and take over the rifle carry. It took a few laps to get the murder bunny block all the way across, and the tracks across the wet grass were unique.
    Speaking of interesting tracks, the next exercise was the ol’ Block and Bear from the baseline to the Christmas tree lights (about 60 yards). Afterward, it looked like a bunch of slugs with legs had been through there, most of whom didn’t know that the quickest way from one point to another is a straight line. And, some looked like they achieved flight a few times.
    EMOM work was next, which was welcomed with thoughts (and noises) of insurrection. Every minute, on the minute for 10 minutes, PAX would complete the following, all with coupon:
    -5 lunges (1:1)
    -5 squats
    -5 rows
    -5 curls
    -5 overhead presses
    -5 tricep presses
    The PAX doubted YHC’s insistence that all this could be done in less than a minute, but the first round provided the necessary vindication. All exercises were completed in less than 40 seconds, giving the PAX about 20 seconds rest between rounds. YHC thought maybe trust in his leadership was being reestablished, but he was mistaken–at around minute 9, it was clear that though the PAX recognized that YHC’s ideas could be done, they doubted whether they should be done. And the next exercise(s) would only cement those doubts in their communal mind.
    PAX were asked to line up with some space between them and lay their blocks long-ways on the ground. Next exercise would be 10 burpee jump-overs–burpees, but jumping sideways over the block instead of straight up in the air. It was tough, and the timing of it toward the end of the beatdown made it just as much of an exercise of will as it was an exercise of lungs and thighs. But we wouldn’t stop there.
    The PAX were then directed to stand their blocks up vertically and do it again. This one came with a pep talk, though, cuz YHC could smell the despair. I couldn’t see everyone, but it seemed that this second, harder round was actually executed with more accuracy and success than the first. Just goes to show…(insert something inspirational).
    This was followed by a mosey back to the flag carrying the coupons. Some runners jogged by, and I heard more “good morning’s” than usual from the PAX–I think I heard more flexing, too.
    We had a solid 8 minutes left for coupon Mary, and this is where YHC lost the PAX for good. Commitments were made to ensure that all Saturdays, at least, were covered so that YHC would have no opportunity to Q again anytime soon. I think some plans were even made to steal and hide the blocks, or maybe use them in Goats’s upcoming chicken coop repair. Well, whatever it takes to fill the Q sheet. Exercises for Mary included:
    -big boys with block on chest
    -wife pleasers with pelvic blocks
    -flutter kicks with block held high in chest press position
    -LBC’s with block on chest
    -box cutters with block held high in chest press position
    -dying cockroaches with block held high in chest press position, rocking it back and forth
    -heels to heaven with block held high in chest press position
    -American Hammers with the block

    COT and Enron prayed us out.
    It was great to be in the gloom with you guys! I could never imagine having a reason to be excited to drive through thick fog at 6:15am, but I definitely was this morning, and it’s because of this crew. Much love for you, gents, and looking forward to all that comes next!
    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Drug Rep Death March – from Wiford Montana

    Drug reps are an interesting bunch but none the less the drug rep themed que was requested so I felt I had to go for it. Full disclosure there are plenty of drug reps that need to tone it down as are with any profession (doctors included)
    The “usual” Montana warm up with all over the show cadence and timing. Still working on it but we also threw in some seal jacks with a splash of yankee joe sarcasm centered around my lexicon knowledge or lack of it.
    The bumper mosey was welcomed and then we had returned.
    The drug rep death March was here:
    1st round walk thru together so you compare it to your office jobs, friendly faces, water cooler convos, but after that you were on your own! Alone, just you and your hybrid setting out to clinic who probably doesn’t want to see you to talk about things they don’t want to hear. But this my friends is where the magic begins, you go anyway and hope each and every other drug rep believes that garbage and drives on, blows the horn and hits the gym. Today though men we MARCH!!!!!
    The start 10 BBS
    Station 1 : 10 merkins with bear crawl to next station
    Station 2: we’re not worthys, murder bunnies to next station
    Station 3: 10 curls/ overheads lung to final spot and then 10 lbs
    Highlight was the coffee runs called out at random to get the doctors coffee (run to bumper and do 10 jungle boys) T clap to Dox on sending Yankee back a second time cause he got the order wrong, you had one job joe. Also hilarious was cardinal noticing the typical drug rep/ doctor small talk making the patient wait lol . After the first run thru We repeated the track backwards until 6:09

    6 minutes of pot luck Mary:
    Dox called dolphin hops which turned out to be a crowd pleaser!

    Well done gentlemen and actually o do love my job and the awesome healthcare heros I get to meet everyday, but it is fun too laugh about it once and a while

    #the stage, #goose,#paradox,#yankeejoe, #lilCuz, #fencepost, #cardnal, #montana #2ndque

  • Tabata Bout It – from Goose

    Still moping from having missed the Turkey Bowl on Saturday, YHC was looking forward to seeing the PAX this morning and hearing all the details. And, after hearing the details, it only made me more sorry that I missed it. But, camaraderie forged in pain was to be this morning’s gift, and the four PAX who attended were gracious enough to join YHC in the suffering.
    Warmups of the usual with some added hillbillies to burn up some soreness in the hips. Then we were off in and Indian Run around Rich Man’s Loop with the last person doing 5 Apolo Ohno’s before running to the front.
    Upon returning, YHC wasted no time in firing up the Tabata timer (I like the “Smart WOD” app) for 29 rounds of 40 seconds exercising and 20 seconds rest. Many were harder than YHC imagined, and some were a little easier (though not many). The chest was good and fried by the end of it, as were the calves. Background music was nixed in favor of space for mumblechatter, but it ended up being 29 straight minutes of panting and grunting and some jerk constantly telling us we were only halfway there. It was awesome. Here’s the list of exercises:
    1. Line jump w/2 feet (jump side to side over a line in the concrete)
    2. Left foot line jump (dang)
    3. Right foot line jump
    4. Irkins (on the bricks on the stage for this and the next few)
    5. Derkins
    6. Box jumps
    7. Dips
    8. Bonnie Blairs
    9. Big Boy Situps
    10. Calf raises
    11. Backward lunges
    12. Mountain climbers
    13. Merkins
    14. Werkins (wide arm merkins)
    15. Side lunges
    16. Freddy Mercurys
    17. LBC’s
    18. Flutter kicks
    19. Hairy Rockettes (straight leg up to opposite extended hand, to one side, then the other, like the Rockettes)
    20. Diamond merkins
    21. Pickle pounders (low plank, not high–that would be weird)
    22. Carioca (back and forth across the concrete)
    23. Elbow to opposite knee situps
    24. Rocky Balboas (on curb)
    25. Knerkins (merkins on knuckles, a.k.a Chuck Norris merkins)
    26. Plank jacks
    27. Toe taps (high plank, reach through and touch opposite toe)
    28. Crab cakes (opposite of above–crab position, reach up and touch opposite toe in turn)
    29. Carolina dry docks

    Finished at exactly 6:15 for some COT and some heavy prayer intentions for a lot of folks going through some major stuff.
    It was a blessing to be out there with you gents!
    SYITG,
    Goose

  • The Turkey Bowl – from Paradox

    11/26/22 7:29 am EDW Stadium

    A youth sized Wilson football leaves the rocket launcher surgically enhanced shoulder of legendary quarterback Yankee Joe Montana. The game clock strikes 0:00 and the scoreboard is locked in a dead heat 0-0, the leather-bound vessel elevates in a tight spiral and cuts through the gloom of a misty bayou morning. A bird chirps. Fresh biscuits fill the air. It reaches the peak of its flight and underneath, each PAX fight for real estate to find its landing place. Its destination is a streaking Superfun(d) who has battled through the Yellow Team defense and found wide open spaces in the endzone. Time stands still, the fate of the F3 Turkey Bowl hangs in the balance….

    18 hours earlier…

    Text Thread
    YHC: F3 Turkey Bowl tomorrow, I’ll get flags. Can you bring an an American football?
    Yankee Breaux: Yea, going to Wally today to get black Friday deals on Icy Hot. What size, Junior?
    YHC: You bet. I can throw it clean over those mountains.

    14 hours earlier…
    Group Text with Tana and Yankee
    YHC: Check out this F3 turkey bowl jersey prototype (beaming with pride as YHC attaches pic of PDOX jersey I’d been stenciling for hours)
    Tana: Bro.. I’m gonna shoot you strait …that looks like it says POOX
    Yankee…..
    Tana:….
    YHC: No turning back, see yall in the morning. (*Googles Bible verses on Humility)

    6:00am YHC and Yankee setting up cones and feeling low expectations about turn out
    YHC : Can you play flag football with three people?
    Yankee: Who is the third? Tana had a few high APV brews yesterday, hes atleast 50/50
    YHC: Man , Goose is never gonna let me Q the special holidays again. Oh well it was a good run.

    6:29 am YHC and Yankee share a “yea this is gonna be awesome” nod as 10 PAX and one 2.0 FNG pour in from all corners to the Peltch gravel lot. The call of gridiron glory had not gone unanswered. Major Brat rolling in for his second beatdown! T Claps!. andddd a really special Welcome Back Kotter moment as Gordon strolled in with a fresh homemade F3 jersey and a twinkle in his eye. We got rolling with some standard warmups with somewhat proper cadence.

    THANG 1 WARMUP
    PAX Indian run with last man dropping off to do 5 Football Thrusters (thrusters holding a football, don’t overthink it) then runs to lateral pass the ball to the last man in the Indian run. If ball dropped we would suffer 5 burpees as a PAX. It took Cardinal approximately 3 microseconds to spot the morality loophole. “What if they drop it and nobody sees them?”. To YHCs knowledge there were only crisp albeit somewhat short passes and we made it to the EDW stadium with legs activated.

    Mosey to the Center Cards logo after an impromptu cone shuttle run.

    WarmUp Song
    “Are you ready for some Football?”…No not the one your thinking , sorry . I left Hank Williams Jr at home. We did Zombie Walks on the song with Burpees on “Football” to this version created by …checks notes….Mr. Lewis and D.O Dubb feat Dub Ruffin. You might want to google this one because its pure poetry.

    Mosey back to the endzone with a lateral cone shuttle run

    YHC had PAX line up shoulder to shoulder
    On Q call we passed the ball side to side
    On Down hold Al Gore, On Set we chopped feet, Then YHC blew the coach whistle and whoever had the ball got to call a PAX to go out for a pass. If caught 10 SSH, if dropped 5 burpees. PAX faired well here once in a rhythm. Gave everyone a chance to see what talents would be showcased in todays Main Event…

    Thang 2 The TURKEY BOWL
    Divide PAX by 1s and 2s and pass out yellow and blue flags
    BLUE TEAM: Montana, YJ, Cardinal, SuperFun(d), Wet Tap
    YELLOW TEAM: YHC, Major Brat, Lil Cuz, Paradiddle, Gordon

    The Rules were simple enough. Each possession starts on the 50. You get 4 downs, no first downs. PAX hold al gore in offensive huddle while PAX hold plank in defense huddle. Any turnover (on downs, interception, fumble) results in 10 burpees for offense and 10 SSH for defense. A touch down results in 10 burpees for defense and 10 SSH for offense.
    Yellow team took the first offensive possession after winning the toss and a lengthy explanation of an alien football backspin concept that must be a “down the bayou” thing. (still don’t get it)

    Yellow team with a turnover on downs to start after a failed flea flicker. Lil Cuz establishing himself as a field general early. Blue team started a steady drive and it looked like we would continue a Saturday tradition of watching Wet Tap do athletic things we usually only see on TV. Blue was threatening an early score leaning heavy on Taps speed and Tanas relentless trash talk.
    …That’s when Gordon decided enough is enough. As Tap was streaking for what looked like an inevitable score Gordon met him head on to force out of bounds. Unstoppable object..immovable force..we’ve heard this song before! Some bystanders say you could actually here the moment that Taps ear cartilage gave way. When the dust settled Team blue ate 10 more burpees and with blood in the water Team Yellow had the big Mo swing.

    HIGHLIGHTS
    -Paradiddle kept a great attitude despite not know much football lingo
    -Montana is light on his feet and has perfected the Lebron Crab dribble. Don’t let him get in open space.
    -Gordon with a contested 2 foot drag interception and we still are waiting on booth review
    -Legends continue to grow but pretty sure Wet Tap wasn’t allowed a vehicle as a teenager and just had to run to places. He was never late.

    We traded blows for the next few possessions but remained a tight defensive slobber knocker. YHC checked the applewatch game clock and gave blue team the 60 second warning. This would be the final drive…

    7:30am EDW Field Endzone
    The junior size Wilson descends on its path into the EDW endzone and finds SuperFun(d) ready to cradle it like a newborn baby. Crowd noises overtakes the scene as our perception returns to real time.
    The inaugural F3 Thibodaux Turkey Bowl had its victor. Blue team in Hail Mary Fashion!!

    Defensive MVP- Gordon
    Offensive MVP- SuperFun(d)

    Wrapped up on the field with our now traditional PAX clean up then mosey back to the flag.

    Welcome Lil Cuz’s FNG 2.0 –Pikachu!

    COT and Cardinal Prayed Us out

    Thanks for the opportunity to lead.
    Lots of great ideas for this one going forward and I think the Bowl series will be a staple.

    SYITG

    Pdox (POO-X 4 Lyfe)

  • Gather Around the Fire – from Paradox

    Since the dawn of civilization men have shared stories around Gods gift of flame. Tales of triumph and sorrow, passed from generation to generation, formed the foundation of our early history. So when 7 pax trickled into the Stage on a rather chilly bayou morning questions abound about the bright orange glow coming from the spare lot north of the Stage. There was Enron with his standard issue “what the hell do you have planned now” look. Goose with his “Will I get a call from the HOA” concerns. Tana with speculations about UFOs. Yankee with his usual “I’m not sure what it is, but I love it already” exuberance. Cuz with a steely eyed glance that spoke volumes. YHC reassured them that all will be revealed but in due time. Every good story needs to really simmer in uncertainty before you reach a rolling boil. The gloom was filled with mystery and somewhere on 40 arpent road Goats was cranking his car and testing the air with fartleks….so we knew it was time to get started .

    Warmup
    The usual warmups plus Goats coming in hot signaling 5:35am. I will say with the recent addition of “Live with Goats” every night on the GroupMe his tardiness is much more tolerated. Bumper mosey with hilarious Northshore tales from Goose about pedestrians questioning what exactly the PAX could be training for? Like “hey we are monkey humper/burpee/merkin triathletes but why don’t you mind your business and walk your schnauzer lady!”

    Back at the stage, we grabbed coupons in a single file rifle carry line and headed north, toward the campfire.

    Chapter 1: The Dark Years
    We settled our coupons around a blazing fire (large traffic cone with a LED light inside, propped on a coupon…no big deal) and YHC revealed that today was his 1 year F3 Manniversary. On November 16, 2021 YHC was at this very location as an FNG. Today’s beatdown would be a tribute to our PAX and the growth YHC has been blessed with since starting this journey. Every great origin story begins one of two ways: a scientist obtains superpowers from a freak accident or…a super nerd gains perspective from a dark period in his life and gets a chance to change his fate. YHC’s would be the latter.
    First exercise was dedicated to the Pre-F3 Garage Bro Circuit training that I was doing irregularly at home. Everyone knows this routine. Slam some PreWorkout with 9000 mg caffeine…then Chest on Monday, Biceps on Tuesday and maybe Legs 3 weeks later. Rinse and repeat until its April and you realize you must swim in an oversized t-shirt at the company picnic again because of a “rash”.

    100 RING OF FIRE incline merkins
    50 RING OF FIRE decline merkins
    Colt 45s
    Bolt 45s

    Chapter 2: Chance Encounters
    YHCs very first exposure to F3 was at our backyard tee ball league. While showing my kids how their old man used to serve up nasty sliders at HHS I overheard two men in conversation:

    Goats: Hey Man you posting this Saturday? Goose had us doing monkey humpers at peltier park last beatdown!

    (Proceeds to demonstrate a monkey humper in front of God and all his children)

    Enron: Yea that sounds awful, cant wait!

    I dashed to cover my children’s ears before realizing these men were in some sort of top secret workout group. The seeds of curiosity were planted. (At this very same tee ball league I met a young stepper named Adrian Maught before his transformation into Yankee Broseph/Joseph/Oh No).

    25 monkey humpers were completed and the Lafourche sherriff made some real slow drive-bys

    Chapter 3: The Goose Nest and a Leap of Faith

    Fast Forward a few months, while having Dinner at the Goose nest and meeting the Goslings, Goose’s M mentioned that he leads a workout F3 thing in the front of the neighborhood. Ultimately I think it was the enthusiasm that she displayed about how much of an impact it had made on Goose that led me to inquire more. One pinned location text message later and I was set to meet a new friend and several complete strangers in the dark at a “green space” in the neighborhood. I knew there would be fitness and I knew I would get a name I didn’t like (I had personally picked out Doctor Strange but Goose had me beat by a mile).

    In honor of our M’s having great influence in inviting FNGs we partnered up to complete
    P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Thrusters. FlapJack
    P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Coupon Swings. FlapJack

    Chapter 4: The First Beatdown

    The details from that first beatdown are always hazy but a few things standout to me:

    1. During that first beatdown I was indeed welcomed with Open Arms. From Cardinal showing me modifications to Enron keeping things light while critiquing Gooses form I never felt like a stranger to this group. Goose explained everything with clarity and detail.
    I hope to pass this along to every FNG.

    SONG: Creed With Arms Wide Open- Coupon step ups on song then Coupon Merkin with side plank reach on every “arms wide open”. It seems the crowd was very split on love/hate for Creed.

    2. My very first Thang in F3 was The Cupid Shuffle (see below), a song that previously annoyed me to no end was transformed in front of my eyes into tortuous shoulder/chest monster. Needless to say I have been quite obsessed with the creative process of building and sharing beatdowns and the joy I get from this process can’t be understated. Months later when creating my very own beatdown I remember Goose telling me that besides a warmup and COT there were very few rules. It was like that scene in the Matrix where Morpheus shows Neo the “white room” where he can summon anything he thinks of. (not saying im the chosen one but it’s a decent analogy).
    SONG: We completed the Cupid Shuffle : Merkins on Down Down, Mountain climbers on Do your dance, left plank, right plank shuffle, then mountain climbers on walk it out.

    3. So, building beatdowns is great but truly what has kept me returning to the well of F3 is the power of shared suffering during an exercise with men you trust at both sides. During that first beatdown we wrapped up with a classic “Tubthumping” by Chumbwumba. I remember watching Enron react to this announcement. The slight head nod of recognition followed by the neck crack to signify that he would risk a heart attack to not be defeated by these burpees. He took the challenge personal, and I felt the need to not leave him or any of these other men to do burpees alone.
    SONG: Survivor by Destinys Child: SSH on song, Burpees on Survivor.

    4. Finally, my first beatdown was complete and I found out Paradox would now be my name for most of my new social circle (M’s and 2.0s included). There’s a great camaraderie that comes along with these silly names and brough to mind an old classic TV theme Song.
    SONG: Cheers Theme song- Rifle carry circle march and Man Makers on Name and Came

    We wrapped up with Dealers Choice Mary to signify every man bringing something to the table.
    LBCs, 20 deg to 90 deg (nice selection Goats)….then something special happen.
    Goose still had an ace under his sleeve and unleashed Pickle Pounders to F3 Thibodaux for what I think was the first time. It was ….well….it was something.

    Countoff , Name off, and YHC prayed us out with tremendous gratitude for God bringing me into this group. Special thanks to Goose for the EH and to all the guys who come out to get a little better each beatdown.

    Cant wait for another great year.

    SYITG
    Pdox

  • The Beautiful Beatdown – from Yankee Joe

    Over the past few weeks, YHC has navigated a time of growth and reflection. In Marketing, there is a term called, “marketing myopia.” It is a concept that refers to a firm’s narrow focus on their own product development considering only internal strategies, along with competitors’ actions. As such, the organization loses focus on the two most important elements…1) the needs of the customer and 2) how their product can fulfill those needs.

    You see, YHC had also become myopic in his thinking, both about his place in F3 and subsequently, his beatdown designs. Following the St. Vincents 500 (hosted by F3 Thibodaux), I was exposed to the prowess of legends like Tanked Up, Hawgcycle, and Thibodaux Pax’s very own, Goose. With IPC 2022, in conjunction with the Jerf challenge, only to be followed by Burptober, YHC came to believe that all beatdowns should…ya know…kill you. Why else are we here?

    My dear gloom partner, I want you to know…nay, I need you to know…that I was wrong. But as only Ahtohallan knows, “when all is lost, all is found.” I embarked on a beatdown mission to find a balance between rigor, creativity, and, dare I say it, fun. That said, here we go.

    The game of soccer (or Football for the rest of the world) has its roots dating back to ancient China. However, since we cannot actually corroborate this with any real evidence, we’ll opt not to be wankers and go with the modern version, which popped up in 1860’s England (some say Germany). To distinguish the new sport from other games such as rugby, it was dubbed “Association Football.” The word “association” was abbreviated to “assoc,” with one who played the sport being an “assoccer.” As the game made its way over to the US, the term evolved into the word we know today, “soccer.” So if an obnoxious Brit ever gives you a hard time about the term “soccer,” simply inform them that you refuse to engage with a man who calls french fries, chips. And chips, crisps. I can’t. I just can’t.

    With that bit of useless trivia, we should really focus on the game itself. Though perhaps monotonous to the untrained or North Louisiana eye, the game is a chess match of fluid movement and strategy. Plays beginning from seemingly benign backfield passes, suddenly develop into offensive attacks with players moving in out of open spaces.

    The game is often called, “The Beautiful Game.” For this reason and in honor of the World Cup 2022, I offer you “The Beautiful Beatdown.”

    (First, YHC arrived early for setup and met Paradox for our typical pre-thang…wait…sorry. I’m not supposed to talk about pre-thangs. Moving on.)

    Warmarama: 11 PAX at the Peltch!!!

    The usual. YHC was losing his voice due to a constant rash of 2.0 plagues running through the castle, so I went fast. No time for mumblechatter, seriously screwing with Enron’s typical momentum. The sky was overcast and sputtering. We hailed the triumphant return of Paradiddle, a clear omen that today would be special. However, in my haste, many cadence steps were butchered. For a quick moment, Goose’s smile disappeared as if to say, “fix this or I will.” YHC got it together quickly. Mosey to the F3 soccer complex.

    Thang 1: Agility and Strength

    As this was the first part of our beatdown, we recognized the first World Cup in 1930.
    Setup: On a 30 x 10 field, one side corner several cones spaced closely for a total of 10 yards; opposite side corner the same set up. The pax split, half starting on one side and the other across the way.

    Pax began in staggered starts, side shuffling at full speed between cones for 10 yards, then 20 yard full sprint to other side; 19 burpees. Continue to opposite side cones. Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 30 merkins; Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 19 squat jumps; Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 30 Carolina Dry Docks.

    Notables: Wet Tap, recently off of IR, showed his typical prowess, barely breaking a sweat. Enron made a comment about 19 burpees being his limit, so YHC changed out 30 side straddle hops for squat jumps. I’m kidding, but Enron was on thin ice, you betta’ belee dat.

    Interlude 1: Shakira’s

    This Pax’s hips definitely lie…or at least significantly modify. Imperial walkers through the verses, Shakira’s on the refrain: low wide legged (goddess) squat with hands in praying position; remaining in squat, shimmy shoulders, while lifting alternating legs. Kinda like a squat version of the hand release merkin. Then Q’s choice intermittently with arm raised jump ups and open Pax freestyle.

    (At this point, YHC’s legs were burning from the fast pace work during the pre-thang with Paradox…Crap…sorry. I keep forgetting. First rule of pre-thangs is don’t talk about the pre-thangs.)

    Thang 2: The Goal of the Century (aka Oh Cosmic Kite)

    In the quarterfinals of the 1986 World Cup, Argentina went up against a strong squad from England. On that championship Argentinian team was a footballer named Diego Armando Maradona. Of all his countless successes, he is perhaps remembered most for the two goals during that match: The Hand of God and The Goal of the Century. Also on that day was another iconic moment provided by Victor Hugo Morales, the famous Argentinian journalist who was commentating for the match. Morales’ play-by-play of that goal, followed by what can only be described as fever pitched hysteria would move into history as one of the most recognized monologues of all time. The English translation is included at the end of the blast for your enjoyment.

    For this play, Maradona made a move down the right wing to receive a pass. Upon receipt, everybody assumed he was about to pass off to one of his teammates. However, two Englishmen closed in, blocking the passing lanes and getting within a few feet of the ball. What happened next became legend. Maradona switched directions and somehow threaded the needle between the two opponents, then set off to the races, juking and passing three more defenders on a 60 yard dash. With the English keeper sprinting out to cut off the angle and with two defenders hanging on his back, Maradona, at full speed, faked left a step, causing the keeper to fall, then scored. GOOOOOAAAALLLLL!

    The Thang:

    Partner up. 1st Round
    P1 dribbles soccer ball at full speed 30 yards to marker; Completes 86 LBC’s; sprints back with ball (total 60 yards)
    P2 holds flutter kicks for duration; flapjack

    2nd Round
    P1 dribbles full speed to marker; Completes 86 hand releases without merkin; sprints back
    P2 holds mission impossible plank for duration; flapjack

    3rd Round
    P1 dribbles full speed to marker; Completes 86 high knees; sprints back
    P2 holds Al Gore’s for duration; flapjack
    *screaming various soccer terms in multiple languages was encouraged

    Notables:
    – The 2.0’s, Coyote and Pope laid waste to the thang. Sonic (2.0 a la Goats), at five years old, made YHC look downright silly.
    – Lil’ Cuz continued to show his athletic versatility
    – Paradiddle quietly and efficiently dominated. I might be crazy, but I swear that guy never stopped smiling the entire beatdown. Beastmode.
    – Our north Louisiana Pax, Enron and Paradox, who claimed to know nothing about soccer, showed some seriously legit dribbling skills. In fact, Enron, YHC’s partner, got off the poop list due to his speedy rounds and minimizing my Al Gore time.

    (As Paradox and YHC reached the first half mile during our pre-thang, our pace was already at a sub 8 minute mile…AHHHHH. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.)

    Thang 3: Geese and Goats and Crabs and Bears, Oh My!

    That’s right, a soccer themed beatdown would not be complete without a crab-bear soccer match. The pitch was set at roughly 20 yards by 10 yards, using portable drilling goals on either side. Pax split into teams, the P1s and P2s from the previous thang. All pax started in bear. No hands allowed and you have to stay in some sort of plank. This last rule was VERY loosely interpreted, but it only added to the chaos. When one team scored, all Pax switched to crabs, while the team that was scored on did 5 burpees.

    Goal 1 came in the second minute. Wet Tap (P2s) deflected a pass across the middle from Enron (P1s). Playing stellar defense all day, Paradox (P1s) somehow managed to clear it out of their defensive third, sending a long ball to Goose (P2s) who was waiting at the top of the key, defending our goal. In a moment of confusion, Goose lost control of the ball and in a desperate attempt to kick it out of bounds, instead launched it into his own goal. He showed the appropriate amount of remorse.
    – P1s lead 1 to nil.

    Goal 2 came in the 6th minute off of the acrobatic play of Lil Cuz (P1s). The jiu jitsu training continues to manifest itself in the most incredible ways. I refer you, Dear Reader, to the History of Baseball Part 1 Beatdown, when he duck SPRINTED nearly 20 yards to make a diving catch. Was he offsides? Did he abandon his crab walk position? We’ll never know. Instant replay was not available and Goose was not prepared to use up one of his challenge flags. All we know is that Paradiddle was stealthily serving balls from the flank all game long. The result is the same.
    – P1s 2 – P2s Goose Egg.

    Goal 3 came in the 9th minute with 20 seconds remaining on the clock. Allow me to set the stage. There had been many attempts from Goose and other P2s to get the ball down to YHC in the offensive third. However, after YHC bungled nearly every opportunity, the focus shifted to Wet Tap (P2s), Sonic, and Pope. At this time, I should mention that the primary source of frustration for YHC and the P2s was a wily, smiling, and smack talking Coyote. Coyote was easily the defensive MVP for the P1s, fearless and seemingly everywhere at once. Prior to the leadup of the play development was a Paradox induced scrum that dragged Goats and YHC into the mix. The Homer (not Houma) style is strong, stubborn, and methodical. As a result the ball was moved back to mid field and cleared out of bounds. Like Batman and the Joker, Paradox and Goats showed what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. A fifth dimension opens up. Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing Goats at the Coffeteria. Somebody should look into that.

    THEN…a throw-in to YHC, who passed to the middle, but it was redirected to the flank. I could not see who it was in the mud and mist (perhaps, Pope), but the abstract mirage crossed the ball back into the middle yards away from the goal. The noise of the faithful began to rise, a crescendo of madness and delirious hope. Bodies swarmed to the middle like wolves as the ball soared through the air to its intended target. Suddenly a player leapt up above the pack. He was airborne and fully horizontal. Time stood still. Wet Tap finally believed Morpheus…HE was indeed the ONE. Wet Tap (P2s) ripped a massive scissor kick. Coyote’s knees buckled as he tried desperately to change course. It was too little, too late. The sound of the ball being swallowed in the back of the net cut through the hysterical tension…then a millisecond of terrifying silence just before the Pax erupted into an ear splitting frenzy of insanity. GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!

    – Final Score: P1s 2 – P2s 0

    Interlude 2: When Pele Met Freddie

    To the tune of Bicycle Race by Queen, Pax did 4 minutes of ab work. Q’s choice on ab exercises with Freddie Mercury’s on the refrain. Per Paradox’s feedback, YHC is still working on his Freddie Merc form.

    Mary to The Core!

    5 minutes of plank work, Q’s choice. Low plank, high plank, high side, low side, Nolan Ryan’s, Mission Impossibles, ALL WHILE doing alternating leg lifts and extended holds on leg lift in each plank position. YHC did not truly appreciate how hard this was going to be. I am proud that the Pax uttered NOT a word of mumblechatter (or audible to YHC at least).

    Mosey back to the flag, COT, and Wet Tap Armando Maradona prayed us out.

    Every opportunity to Q is another blessing. I am grateful for the trust, the humility, and of course the chatter.

    SYITHG,

    Yankee GOOOOAALLLLL

    (Paradox and YHC ran a 7:23 mile during pre-thang.)

    As promised, the commentating of Maradona’s Goal of the Century

    He’s going to pass it to Diego, there’s Maradona with it, two men on him,
    Maradona steps on the ball, there he goes
    down the right flank
    the genius of world football, he leaves the wing and he’s going to pass it to Burruchaga…
    Still Maradona! Genius! Genius! Genius!
    There, there, there, there, there, there!
    Goaaaaaaaal! Goaaaaaaal!
    I want to cry, oh holy God, long live football! What a goal! Diegoal! Maradona! It is to cry for, excuse me! Maradona, in a memorable run, in the best play of all times!
    Cosmic kite, which planet did you come
    from, to leave so many Englishmen
    behind, for the country to be a clenched
    fist crying for Argentina? Argentina 2,
    England 0!
    Diegoal, Diegoal, Diego Armando
    Maradona!
    Thank you, God, for football, for
    Maradona, for these tears, for this
    Argentina 2, England 0

  • The Saints, All of ‘Em – from Goose

    Four PAX gathered for what seems like it might become a weekly deal–Tuesday mornings at The Stage. There would have been a fifth, but Yankee Joe’s kids were stomach bugging all over him. T-claps to Fence Post for “posting” his first three beatdowns in four days! And, to Lil’ Cuz for coming two days in a row in only his second month of F3! Enron, the ever steady and the official counter (Fence Post and Cuz are still learning how to count while also breathing) made us an even four on this celebration of ALL the Saints.

    After a warmup of the usuals, YHC explained that in honor of All Saints Day, we’d be making our way through the lives of a few key players.

    The most obvious place to begin is Mary, the model for all saints–she was so open to what God was doing in her that she became the Mother of His Son. So, we started with some Mary, beginning with LBC’s x30 to commemorate lil’ baby Jesus and the 30 years he spent growing up with her. Then, 100’s x100 for the well over 100 gallons of water He turned into wine at her request. Then, 33 leg raises since she took her station at the foot of the Cross when he was 33, followed by 15 Heels to Heaven since her heels (and the rest of her) were assumed into Heaven to be with her Son forever.

    Next was the first martyr, St. Stephen. His courage and dependence on God was intense, arguing the whole Sanhedrin into silence and then deadly rage without ever losing his awe and wonder at God and what He’d accomplished. They picked up stones and stoned him to death, so we grabbed coupons and did three sets of: 20 curls (picking up stones) and 15 skull crushers (almost crushed a couple of actual skulls toward the end there).

    The next key player would be St. Paul, who actually led the previously mentioned stoning project before a dramatic conversion, which led him to become the greatest missionary who ever lived. In honor of his traveling to the four corners of the Empire and accumulating more and more disciples with every stop, the routine would be four corners, each adding an additional exercise.
    1. 7 burpees
    2. 7 burpees, 14 merkins
    3. 7 burpees, 14 merkins, 21 squats
    4. 7 burpees, 14 merkins, 21 squats, 28 line jumps (two feet, jumping back and forth over a line in the concrete, 2:1)

    St. Iranaeus was a disciple of St. John the Apostle, and he wrote letters while on the way to the Coliseum to be killed by wild animals in the arena. These letters are still extremely valuable sources of information about the structure of the early Church and the Mass, and in them he expressed his gratitude for the opportunity to be “ground like wheat” by the animals teeth as an offering. Intense. So, not knowing any lion exercises, we did bear crawls to the center of the field, nur back, and again all the way to the sidewalk and nur back.
    This is where Lil’ Cuz revealed his super power–there could be more, but bear crawls has definitely been confirmed.

    Skip about a 1400 years–St. Ignatius of Loyola founded the Jesuits and put together the Spiritual Exercises, one of the central principles being the role of consolation and desolations, spiritual ups and downs that are necessary to the maturation process. So, ups and downs it would be: 15 irkins, 15 L-leg step ups, 15 derkins, 15 R-leg step ups, 15 dips (all IC).

    Skip back about 100 years (because YHC wanted to put this one close to the end) and across some water to England, where the would-be St. Patrick was kidnapped as a youth and brought to Ireland as a slave. He escaped back to England, became a priest and a bishop, and then returned to Ireland to grow and lead the Christian community there. But, with such a strong pagan presence, it wasn’t easy. Irish Jack Ass Webbs seemed appropriate. 1 burpee to 2 donkey kicks against the column up to 5 burpees and 10 donkey kicks.

    Now that the donkey legs were toast, we jumped to the 20th century to finish up with St. Pio (Padre Pio) who was given more spiritual gifts than you can count. One of them was the ability to read souls, to know people’s sins before they confessed them, which was extremely helpful for many going to Confession or on their deathbed. Thankfully, there’s an exercise called “Absolutions”, so we moved to the grass to cushion the elbows. Absolutions is a 7 count exercise = high plank, groiner, down to elbows, plank jack, back to high plank.

    15 Absolutions later, and we had 30 seconds left for 10 Halleluiah Squats in gratitude for the variety of all the awesome saints He’s given us.

    COT and Enron prayed us out. Thanks for making Tuesdays awesome, fellas!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • 2 Year Manniversary of F3 Thibodaux! A Brief History of F3 Down the Bayou – from Goose

    The highly anticipated day had arrived. Costumes were donned, and the gloom was dark. So dark, in fact, that Paradox, fully decked out in unlicensed Jack Sparrow gear, did a full Helen Keller on an FNG, hands all over his face saying, “Goose, Goose is that you?” just because the guy showed up in a grayish Tundra. The FNG was accomodating, and YHC did show up a little later, overjoyed at the PAX’s costumes and their total disregard for how they’d fare in the rain, the dirt, and through at least 100 burpees. From giant furry vikings to skin tight Moana characters to full size pickles, these dudes were all in. Thankfully, God delayed the rain for a few hours, so the weather was perfect and the morale was super high (made even higher by Head Cheese’s dramatic entrance). We had record numbers at The Peltch, coffeeteria planned for the first time, and 2 years of an unprecedented journey to tromp through–it was an awesome morning!
    Warmup of the usual with last minute costumers trickling in (Picadilly’s pickle balls were amazing, even if they fell off during the first set of mountain climbers). PAX grabbed coupons out the truck, and we were off toward the lower field for the First Era of F3 Thibodaux: Goose-olation

    Era 1: The Genesis of the Beginning, The Dawn of the Origins, Part I
    Goose arrives in Thibodaux from Mandeville with nothing but a list of backblasts from NOLA, Northshore and BR. He couldn’t stop the progress, though, and had high hopes for what might develop. So, the backyard would have to do. For months, what drove him on was knowing that F3 brethren somewhere had already sweat through whatever beatdown he had pulled from the backblast list, so he wasn’t completely “alone”.
    The routine for this era would be The Big Bang:
    All PAX start in a bunch huddled around the coupons. First round, grab a coupon, do 5 OH presses, then mosey 10 steps out from the pack and do 10 burpees (facing outward for max isolation) before returning and plank up for the six.
    2nd round: 5 OH presses, mosey 15 steps out, 15 merkins
    3: 5 OH presses, 20 steps, 20 burpees
    4: 5 OH presses, 25 steps, 25 Hammers
    It’s a reality that pushing alone is way harder than pushing together, and the contrast was felt. Glad to move onto Era 2.

    Era 2: Random pop-ups
    The first to follow the dancing idiot into the madness was technically Cardinal, though he wasn’t seen again for many months (quoted as saying something like “that’s for the birds”). So, Wet Tap gets T-claps for coming out unaccompanied to throw himself into whatever Goose and his Goslings were doing out at Peltier. Then came Gordon, G.I. Joe, and Percolator, though because of work schedules and getting over the initial hump, attendance was random.
    This seemed a great opportunity for the randomness of the Deck of Death, so Wet Tap started us out under the Thunderdome with a random pull followed by three more (Irkins, Bulgarian split squats, and whatever those other two were…). Then, for the sake of time, we moseyed to the baseball field.

    Era 3: Enron
    Goose’s isolation, especially on weekdays, changed unexpectedly with the arrival of Enron. With the dogged determination and willingness to endure pain that only a younger brother could posses, Enron showed up to every beatdown he could and pushed himself hard to keep up with Goose. This quickly led to intense progress and his VQ (alone at The Peltch–for character building). His determination has never slowed, and his Q’s are well thought out (and typed out), usually including some sort of element of chance (for Cardinal).
    PAX partnered up for a grinder as a reminder of all those mornings at The Stage with just Goose and Enron. Split duty on 100 burpees at home plate while partner 2 runs the bases.

    Era 3: Return of the EH (and Crab Walk) King
    Cardinal eventually did return, and not only did he stick with it, even on weekdays, but the PAX quickly began to swell with his FNG’s, and his move to Chackbay has only widened his EH territory.
    The exercise would be Bear Crawl Tag Infection–Cardinal started at the pitchers mound and bear crawled around tagging the PAX, who were crab walking to get away within the confines of the infield. Once someone was tagged, he became part of the cult, switched to bear crawl, and began tagging the rest of the sad clowns (crabwalkers). It took no time for all to be tagged, ironically with Head Cheese being the last…So, we moseyed to The Chimney for Era 4.

    Era 4: Paradox
    As soon as Paradox even heard there was an F3, he had purchased tiny Mudgear shorts and within minutes had memorized the entire Exicon and the last 100 backblasts from the top 5 regions. And, his foot has never let off the gas. This next routine would be a nod to his name (you know, cuz he’s a doctor, and his wife is also a doctor, so they’re a pair-o-docs…), and to a couple of his Peltch Q’s.
    Partner up, both partners do 10 burpees, then one partner body drags another about 20 yards to the chimney, both do 10 more burpees, then flapjack and body drag the other back to start. This is where Paradox’s mustache exploded (the remainder of his facial hair) which made him Orlando Bloom’s character instead (props to Lil’ Cuz for that observation).

    Era 5: Lumen Christi
    Earlier this year Cardinal was able to talk a few of the young men who worked at the chancery with he and YHC to come out to a new beatdown on Tuesday mornings at Lumen Christ, the retreat center behind the chancery (with showers and everything). It was a glorious AO with a great crew, and some of the Thibodaux PAX would show up every now and then, too. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t last as the retreat schedule filled up (I guess it seemed a little less retreat-ish to have a bunch of sweaty dudes bear crawling down the hill to the Top Gun soundtrack or Indian running past the windows with cinder blocks over their heads).
    In a nod to Tighty Whitey (may he never be forgotten) and Enron’s near death experience at Lumen, we did Welsh Dragons up to 7, followed by a mosey to the playground.

    Era 6: SV 500
    The St. Vincent was arguably the best F3 fundraiser in the country (and maybe the world) for 2022 (and maybe for all time, past and future). Thanks to Paradox’s leadership and the buy-in of the rest of the PAX, it went off beautifully, tons of people attended, we had an incredible time, and we surpassed our goal of $10K for prescription meds for people in need. In honor if this incredibly blessed experience, we partnered up again for a quick Dora in honor of the partner race that raised the bar for many years to come.
    Partners would split duty on 100 flutter kicks on the playground side of the “mountain” while partner 2 ran over the “mountain” and did 10 Big Boy Situps on the other side and ran back. Then, moseyed back to the Thunderdome for the final eras.

    Era 7: Jerftember
    Yankee Joe’s arrival came and went like many who get a first taste of F3, puke, and don’t come back. But he did come back after about a month, puked some more, and became hopelessly addicted to growth. The Jerf was born out of this deep desire for more and more growth, and it opened a new era of Thibodaux PAX ownership, comradery, accountability, and WHOOP pressure. It also gave birth to BAPS, who still hasn’t fully proven himself.
    In honor of the Jerf, PAX lined up on the baseline under the Thunderdome for one full round of Jerfing. The sound of 17 PAX dropping cinder blocks onto concrete under an echoing pavillion is truly a glorious thing.

    Era 8: IPC and Burptober
    With one minute remaining, YHC led the PAX in 3 Kraken Burpees in honor of the unprecedented Week 5 of IPC and to finish out the 100 burpees needed for the second to last day of Burptober.

    Moseyed back to the flag, all still in full costume, for an incredible COT and our first ever coffeeteria. Fence Post was named (Welcome!!), Cue Ball was welcomed (originally from F3 Huntsville), and tables, donuts, too much coffee, and raw eggs were laid out under the trees. Conversation was awesome as the PAX rejoiced in the incredible blessing that F3 has been and the unrepeatable gift that each man has been to the whole group. The high from that morning has lasted for multiple days now, and it spilled over into record breaking numbers at The Stage this morning (including Fence Post!). Looking forward to the many years to come!

    See You In The Gloom,
    Goose

  • Support Group for JBL – from Goose

    Still on a high from the convergence (and the van ride to and from the convergence) and the promise of a Kilo appearance, a record 8 PAX converged upon The Stage, mostly to console Paradox after what should not be mentioned (again) on record. But, I’ll go ahead and mention it anyway–JBL, in his opportunity of a lifetime performance, came up short. Really short. Thankfully, Coyote was there to make it all worth it and save the Thibodaux PAX’s convergence Q from total disaster, but JBL will never be the same.

    Warmup: the usual plus the pre-burpee mountain climbers, and the feel of 8 men in the circle at The Stage was awesome. YHC allowed some gloves to fall from his pocket instigating questions since there were no coupons in sight. (There was already some suspicion of a potential setup with some deep, devious plan devised by Anker to slowly and methodically break down the competition from within.)

    After the warmup, YHC suggested that all should retrieve gloves from their vehicles, and all were able to do so…blue and white ones…all of them. Burpees in the street was on the menu, and YHC knew that this particular street is a cheese shredder for human flesh.

    The Thang (Part 1) was a mosey around Rich Man’s Loop with 5 burpees EMOM for 10 minutes. Minutes seemed shorter than normal, but all kept up well enough, and 50 burpees were in the books.

    Part 2 consisted of three songs from the F3 Burpeepalooza list created a couple of years back for Make America Burpee Again, and these songs were chosen because they hadn’t yet been used much this year, and because their total burpees added up to 50.

    First: Red Solo Cup–overhead claps for the duration and burpees for every “Cup” and “Up” (total of 25)
    Second: This is Who I Am by Third Day–LBC’s for the duration and burpees for every “This is who I Am” (total of 12)
    Third: Get Back Up Again by Toby Keith (dedicated to JBL)–high knee skips (or “Running Man” skips if you’re Lil’ Cuz, or just trip over yourself if you’re Enron or Montana) for the duration, and burpees for every “Get Back Up Again” (total of 13)

    Part 3 was a 7 of Diamonds/4 Corners–add an exercise at every corner
    1. 7 merkins
    2. 7 merkins, 14 Bonnie Blairs
    3. The above plus 21 Big Boy Situps
    4. The above plus 28 Monkey Humpers
    The legs were done by the second corner, but all powered through with minimal grumbling.

    Part 4: Speed and Agility
    1. Sprint to the sidewalk and Nur back
    2. Carioca there and back (Also known as “Staring into One Another’s Eyes While Dancing”)
    3. Side shuffle there and back
    4. Bunny Hop there and mosey back (YHC was impressed by the effort on this one)

    Mary (IC): Freddy Merc x 31, Leg Raises x 15

    COT and Paradox prayed us out. Thanks for making it 8 STRONG this morning! It was awesome to have Kilo back and to offer prayers and camaraderie for his first day at the new job! And only six more days of burpees!
    SYITG,
    Goose