F3 New Orleans

Tag: Goose

  • The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything – from Goose

    It’s 42. That’s why this is such an important year, or maybe just an important beatdown. The year was 1982, an important year, maybe not for music, or movies, or culture in general, but certainly for YHC.

    Warmup consisted of the usuals–YHC had no energy for 42 (or 82) of anything, especially given the packed schedule of events to be revealed.

    Top song on June 11, 1982? “Ebony and Ivory” by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder, the song that fixed the problem of racism in the United States (and Great Britain). While Bose’ Sr. cranked the synth on this one, PAX switched back and forth from Peter Parkers to Parker Peters every time they said the titular “Ebony and Ivory”. It seemed much longer than it was, and not (just) because it’s a boring song.

    What was the top song of the year? “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor, it’s success fueled by Rocky and every school with a tiger mascot. But, we wouldn’t be doing anything with this one…

    What culturally significant blockbuster movie was released on June 11, 1982? That’s right, it was E.T. And, YHC asked the PAX: in typical Spielberg fashion, a child yells what extremely crude epithet that is completely inappropriate for his age? Both AB and White Meat, in perfect harmony, immediately and loudly answered (correctly): “penis breath!” YHC quickly assured the PAX that this wouldn’t be the theme of our next exercise to the visible (and audible) relief of the group. Jokes were made about YHC taking this opportunity to finally reveal the real nature of F3, ha ha! But, that won’t come for another year or so.

    YHC cued up the E.T. “Flying” theme song, and we flew on our bicycles for the duration: 41 Freddy Mercurys (1:1) and 11 jump squats, on repeat AMRAP.

    Next YHC suggested gloves and led the PAX (surprise, surprise) to the beginning of the new street where there used to be a bumper. YHC explained the cultural and personal significance of the dawn of the Super Mario/Ninteno age in 1985, and then explained that we’d be taking advantage of the well-spaced green pipes along this road. At every green pipe (cluster), which were about 15-20 yards apart, we’d switch between Mario skips (punch those bricks!) and bear crawls, effectively going “up” and “down” the pipes.

    Once we arrived at the end of the street (about 8 pipes long), YHC shared the centrality of basketball, or at least basketball practice for both middle school and high school years. So, just like my Cuban high school coach, Elmo (that was his real name), YHC instructed the PAX in red faced fashion to “Get on the line! We gonna…………(unintelligible syllables)……..JUST GET ON THE LINE!” It was suicide time. (Thank you, Popeye.) From that line, we did suicides to up to the fifth pipe before moseying back to the flag for a couple more thangs. Honeysuckle (and America’s Best) put on a clinic with these, making you wonder if your excuses for slowing down were really grounded in reality, or if they’ve really been doing that much extra running on the side.

    Back at the flag, YHC gathered Bose’ and phone to set up for the next thang and found what looked to be a long handle/stick with a hook at the end. It served well as a prop to keep the speaker and phone from sitting too deep in the wet grass, and inadvertently as a major source of intimidating mystery for the PAX (“what could he possibly have planned for a stick with a hook on it? Is this finally where he reveals the true nature of F3?) Ha! No, not for another year or so.

    YHC’s early 20’s were defined by four years in seminary and a bunch of summers working at a summer camp in the mountains of North Carolina, where Pope and half of his siblings are now. It cannot be overstated how much influence these experiences had on forming YHC into the man he is today. So, we cued up “Church Clap” by KB, Lecrae and “Still Wandering’ by Bronze Radio Return to honor these two, and the PAX started doing stationary 21’s with genuflections (for seminary) and mountain climbers (for camp). But, after doing 20 followed by 19 genuflections, it became clear that this would take way too much time, and we lose a few PAX, so YHC changed it to 11’s. This was plenty.

    After this, we had just enough time to honor the period that followed to the current day–marriage and family. YHC thought I had experience great things, hard things, and had accomplished much…until marriage, and kids. Being a husband and father has brought me to my limitations and blown past them, forcing me to grow so I can give more of me to the people who need it and deserve it. We’ve been married for almost 17 years and have had 10 kids, and the reaction I most hear is “How do you do that?” The answer is, “By not asking that question.” Nobody has what it takes to be the husband and father their wife and children need them to be–it has to be ripped out of us one day, one minute at a time. So, just like with F3, especially with a lot of burpees on the line, we all know that if you ask the question, “How am I gonna do this?”, you’ve already set yourself up to fizzle out early. You just have to choose to start and then not to give yourself an excuse to stop or count the cost or analyze how much you have left in the tank. Your tank will grow with you if you force it to!

    So, 17 years of marriage plus 10 kids = 27 burpees. Don’t ask questions, just start and do one more burpee until you get to 27. And that’s what these guys did, and they keep doing it every time the Q lays out the plan, every time the alarm clock goes off, and every time their body says, “How are you gonna keep going? Is this sensible?” No, but it’s so awesome, and I’m so grateful that you men decided to choose the awesome over the easy this morning and every time you come out!

    COT and Dox prayed us out. Incredible work today, brothers, and it was a great gift to have so many of you out there.

    SYITG,
    Goose, 42

  • Shake it Up a Bit – from Goose

    After four or five Saturdays in a row including a game of some sort, YHC thought it prudent to shake things up a bit and bring back the 60 minutes of pain. Kinda like a weekday, but longer, and at a location with tons of options.

    After YHC drug Yankee Jeaux along for a warmup lap, a warmup of the usuals commenced with 10 fantastic PAX. Once completed, we grabbed gear, and YHC started to lead a mosey toward the track, which brought about much angst amongst the natives, especially those who feared the inevitable after having been absent for a couple of months. YJ reminded YHC that this was the two-year anniversary of his initial return after hiatus, which happened to be YHC’s 40th birthday beatdown, and where YJ happened to puke multiple times. The similarities to today were already astounding–and the stage was set for some potential pukage.

    We moseyed on the track up even with the 50 yard line where YHC explained that we’d be getting back to the ground after enjoying multiple weeks of games (which YHC has loved, btw). It’s been great, but the grinding season was upon us. The first grind would be a Dora, but with three men and four exercises. The PAX broke into 3-man teams, and each team set a man on each side of the track (at the 50, halfway point on the straight 100). On one side, the exercises were 200 merkins followed by 200 Morroccan Night Clubs, and on the other, they were 200 lunges (1:1) followed by 200 heels to heaven. The third man would run from one teammate to the other and take up the rep count, like an ordinary Dora, while his guy ran the next half loop to take over from guy 1. This ended up going as YHC expected–the half lap wasn’t so bad, but merkins while waiting for your teammates to get all the way back around to you was reminiscent of a few May beatdowns. Popeye and Valve throupled/quadroupled with the two 2.0’s, Darryl Strawberry and Jacknife, who moved as one. Sort of. While Honeysuckle, Popeye, and Valve seemed to have no trouble with this one, YHC felt sorry for those for whom running is a life-sucker, but these guys also happen to be the ones with the biggest hearts, and they were clearly pushing hard so as not to leave their teammates suffering longer than necessary.

    The second grind was like the first, except we moved over to the bleachers, and instead of one man running a half lap, he would run up or down the bleachers, and the exercises were done at the top and bottom. At the bottom, 200 dips and 200 LBC’s. At the top, 200 step-ups (1:1) and 200 air presses (overhead). The step-ups were the crux for this one, but the men powered them out in enough time for an Indian Run of epic/stupid proportions.

    The 10 were split into two teams of 5 and each was positioned at opposing ends of the track (50 yard line). The man in the back of each line had to run to the front of the other team’s line, where he would choose a type of transportation for that team while he was head of the line. This was done to provide some variation, but also to give the other line’s guy an actual chance of catching up. This went fairly well, and only a few times did multiple new leaders arrive at about the same time. YHC did observe a few interesting choices for transportation. One looked like a walk, but with knees ever-so-slightly elevated. Not sure what this one was called: Tiptoe-down-the-hallway-at-night walk? Dodging-dog-bombs-in-the-backyard walk? High Grass?

    The mosey back to the flag was understandably slow after this last routine, but we still had some time for a few rounds of Mary. YHC thought it would be fun to introduce some of the newer guys to the more creatively named core exercises, like Afflecks (formerly A-Rods: a combination of J-Los and Pickle Pounders) and Nolan Ryans.

    The Animal shirt was given clean for the first time because Pope received it but couldn’t be present to present it. It went to Captain D’s for his effort despite it not being a game day (the large majority of his posts have ended up being games).
    COT and prayers for the women on the ACTS retreat and a few families dealing with tragedy. Maneater graciously prayed us out.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Shark Week – from Paradox

    YHC usually has beatdowns loosely formed a few days in advance. But occasionally inspiration will strike so violently that the whole plan needs to be scrapped at the 11th hour. This was the case Monday night when, looking for a “it’s behind me “ hype gif , I came across LLCoolJ from Deep Blue Sea (high on the “influenced my pre teen years movie list” )
    He looked in my eyes through a foggy , heavily cracked IPhone screen and spoke right to me.
    “They need Shark Week Dox , search your heart, they aren’t ready, it’s your job to prepare them”

    All at once, I knew it was true.
    These men are headed to beaches with their families for the next 2-3 months and I can’t send them into battle without conditioning.

    Say no more Mr Cool James, I’ll take care of the rest.

    Duke! Get out of the water and roll the footage!

    9 strong at the Stage.
    We did all the favorite warmers a d YHC was downright scared at the amount of groans coming from attendees of Mondays Wet Tap massacre. Hope they wouldn’t need legs today … headed off to the deep blue sea in an Indian run 3 burp drop.

    Thang 1

    We would stop for 3 rounds of shark related trivia.
    Simple rules.
    Start with 125 reps
    Take 25 off for every correct answer .

    Shark trivia
    1. deep blue sea —-what shark species—-mako
    2. What disease are they trying to cure —-Alzheimer’s
    3. Director of DBS had one previous financial success in 1993. —Cliffhanger
    4. Although he plays the cook , LL cool J character is known as (Blank) and stabs a shark in the eye with a (Blank). —-preacher/crucifix

    Pretty shaky start here when YHC realized know had seen this movie in like 15 years.
    75 merkin fast ball right out the gate.

    General Shark Round
    1.) Smallest shark species—dwarf lantern shark
    2.) The term “jump the shark “ was first used to reference what tv show ? ——Happy Days
    3.) Appearing in the first episode of Saturday night live , this actor played a recurring character , the land shark ——Chevy Chase
    4.) what Hyundai coup got its name from the Spanish word for shark —-Tiburon

    Much better showing here in round 2 as the trivia titans began to stretch their brains. Could have been the acute danger of 125 monkey jumpers signaling a storm of epinephrine but regardless the count was reduced to 25.

    Jaws Category

    1Jaws based on novel of the same name by who ? (Peter Benchley)
    2.) 2 men killed by sharks in this state inspired the book —-NJ
    3.) name the species of shark killed that is mistaken for jaws ? Tiger
    4. The character Quint is a survivor of what famed battleship? USS Indianapolis

    50 Bobbie Hurleys and the legs were primed for Thang 2

    Sharks and Guppies

    Rules
    1 shark starts w 15 burpees – then is free to chase

    Guppies must complete 15 burpees spread out at 3 stations
    If caught before completing the loop they pay 15 merkins

    The shark must pay 5 burpees for every free guppy.

    Round 1 Baby Shark
    Round 2 Grandpa Shark

    YHC made this game specifically with Honeysuckle and Pope in mind. Both with gazelle speed and wolf stamina they were in a good spot to sharpen some iron. Knowing pope would destroy most of us in the first round, the hope was to push near our limits of endurance in round 2.
    This effect was devastating in the Nur round as the quads were screaming and the beekeeper ran most of us down in cold blood, hunting those who had snickered at his coupon crabwalk. Vengeance was his.

    Indian run home looking for Lenny Bruce .

    It wasn’t the end of the world and we didn’t feel fine either.

    Animal from Granpa shark to baby shark.

    Pope had true concerns that he would lose his cardio during summer camp. The collective eye roll from the pax was so severe no eye institute could repair it, not even an advanced one.

    we wished him well in camp and YhC hopes the Animal is the only shirt in his suitcase.

    COT and Goose prayed us out.

    See you in the deep end,

    Dox

  • Hurting You is the Last Thing I Want to Do…But it is Still on the List – from Goose

    Dad jokes, like F3 exercises, require growth, maturation, hard work, and development. You can’t just expect to roll in with your sad-clown puns and expect that to check the “dad” box. Your kids, your wife, your friends, and the culture as a whole need more from you. It takes work, time, practice, and the ability to persevere through the piles and piles of cheesy, one-dimensional groaners to find the ones that communicate to your audience: “You’re worth more.” This morning would be a Dad Joke Intensive.

    After a warmup of the usuals, which got the sweat flowing freely in the bagass infused mugginess of The Stage, YHC suggested gloves despite no coupons and led the PAX to the Loop of Wealth. At the first light post, where all devious plots are revealed, YHC explained that a dad joke would be introduced at each light, and if the PAX was unable to come up with the punchline, we’d all endure a 10 merkin penalty. That was it. For the whole beatdown. We made it around the mile loop, and then headed backward to go around again. The hopper was loaded with winners (mostly), and YHC knew it would take a while to wake up the multiple levels of humor and creativity necessary for the true Dad joke aficidonado.

    Despite having some solid minds in the bunch, the PAX was clearly not ready for the heights we would be achieving today. Merkins flowed freely for quite some time before Tap started to catch on and work the old noodle a little harder. Honeysuckle, Valve, and Dox weren’t far behind, but the engines were sputtering for most of the run.

    It took the following two-liner before the message finally sunk in that we came to work:

    “Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station…

    Investigators have nothing to go on.”

    Dox was the first to figure out that you can’t just repeat one of the 20 dad jokes that you see on every list ever and think you’re doing your job. When you hear, “Why is 6 afraid of 7?” Don’t come with “Because 7 ate 9.” That’s wasting people’s time. You gotta come with something like, “Because 7 was a registered six offender.”

    The first break was earned by Honeysuckle, who came close enough on the following:

    “I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing form his job as a road worker…

    But, when I got home, all the signs were there.”

    So, YHC had to step it up a bit and bring it to the next level–you can’t go completely ridiculous, but Dad has to have an Ace up his sleeve. He has to come from somewhere completely unexpected, but still somehow make sense, at least a little:

    “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend…

    Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

    (And…10 merkins)

    The PAX picked up on the “unexpected angle” pretty quick and started to look for multiple directions, or misdirections. All four dads pulled out the punchline for the following and got a needed merkin break:

    “If people stood shoulder to shoulder around the equator…

    2/3 of them would drown.”

    Honeysuckle (or was is Dox?) even came up with a percentage that was almost the exact number. It was impressive.

    Somehow, though, most still got by them and they kicked themselves for missing some of the more direct ones, like:

    “Dad buys a universal remote and says…

    ‘This changes everything!’”

    or

    “A chicken coup only has two doors…

    If it had four, it would be called a chicken sedan.”

    There were a couple that came easy, though, like:

    “Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

    It runs in your jeans.”

    But, there were still a few that were guaranteed merkins. I mean, we came to work out, right?

    “My drug test came back, and it’s negative…

    My dealer sure has some explaining to do.”

    or

    “I like to spend every day as if it’s my last…

    Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me my pudding.”

    Some were chosen just because YHC wanted to share what’s universally recognized as pure dad joke genius, like:

    “What do you call it when Batman skips church?

    Christian Bale”

    or

    “What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

    I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.”

    As we rounded the last few curves, we were skipping lights in order to get back to the flag on time. This was helped by Tap getting in a groove and nailing a few in a row, like:

    “So what if I don’t know what ‘Armageddon’ means…

    It’s not the end of the world.”

    And, we ended up finishing one minute late with the appropriate:

    “There are three types of people…

    Those who can count, and those who can’t.”

    All said and done, the PAX got 15 out of 48 correct, which meant we did 330 total merkins over 2 miles. With the distraction of the dad joke project, the merkins, though not easy, were not the focus, so we stacked them much higher than most of the PAX realized with what felt like moderate effort. Except for Pope. He knew all the jokes already, so all he was focused on was the merkins. He spent every light post run trying to use Jedi mind tricks to get the answers into their heads, dreading the impending merkins, while the rest giggled their way through what would have otherwise been a grinder.

    I’ll leave you with just a few more gems that didn’t make the cut, but should have:

    “What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A carrot.”

    “This is my stepladder…

    I never knew my real ladder.”

    “I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.”

    You’re welcome. Keep working hard. Your loved ones need you.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Suck/Offer it Up by Pope – from Goose

    May is a month of many joys and sorrows. Of course, the sorrow is a little exclusive to our pecs, triceps, and just our bodies in general. May is also the month of Mary, the mother of God (who is another comfort we don’t deserve). 
    In recent months, YHC has read/heard about many incredible apparitions of Our Lady, and in many of them she requested—or sometimes earnestly begged with tears in her eyes—for the Rosary to be prayed daily by her children on earth. These requests gradually grew more personal for YHC and became less of a request and more of a calling. YHC thanks God for F3 and Mary for her incredible patience; F3 helped YHC to shake off average teenage-level laziness (well, become less accustomed to it), and YHC finally praying the Rosary daily, as part of a DIY retreat.
    The spiritual fruits of that growing devotion have been subtle thus far, but phenomenal.
    YHC arrived at the Lion’s… uh… the Civic Center with Goose at about 4:50 to set up, and within five minutes of our arrival we were surprised to see White Meat pull up with newly christened Huffy in tow. WM actually looked at the time as YHC and Goose jogged to the levee to lay out the cones.
    We set five cones at four different spots around the levee: at both ends of the bridged gap over the middle of the pond (with two at the far side) and at opposite ends of the long way across the pond. Each cone had under it a slip of paper listing four different mysteries of the Rosary, one from each of the four sets (the Joyful, Luminous, Sorrowful, and Glorious Mysteries), chosen by the number stage at which it was set. For example, stage 1 featured the first of each of the 4 mysteries.
    YHC and Goose returned at exactly 5:15 and executed Warmarama, then the PAX moseyed to the levee where YC gave the rundown. About a third of the way through the thang the wind was accompanied by a light rain, and YHC began to worry—one leaflet had already been blown into the pond and was barely readable… thankfully the rain provided no problems, only a refreshing sprinkle.
     Exercises were assigned to each mystery with at least somewhat biblical connections. The mysteries and their corresponding exercises were as follows:
     
    MOT between stages: 10 burpee broad jumps, run remainder
               
    First Stage
    ·      Joyful- The Annunciation (Luke 1:26-38)- 15 genuflections
    ·      Luminous- The Baptism of Jesus (Matthew 3:13-17)- 30 scuba steves
    ·      Sorrowful- The Agony in the Garden (Mark 14:32-42)- 30 sec mission impossible
    ·      Glorious- The Resurrection (John 20:1-10)- 10 burpees
    Second Stage
    ·      Joyful- The Visitation (Luke 1:39-45)- 15 jump squats
    ·      Luminous- The Wedding Feast at Cana (John 2:1-11)- 25 wife pleasers
    ·      Sorrowful- The Scourging at the Pillar (John 19:1)- 25 merkins
    ·      Glorious- The Ascension (Acts 1:6-11)- 15 star jumps
    Third Stage
    ·      Joyful- The Birth of Christ (Luke 2:1-7)- 30 LBCs
    ·      Luminous- The Proclamation of the Kingdom (pretty much the meat of the Gospels)-            20 monkey humpers
    ·      Sorrowful- The Crowning with Thorns (John 19:1-5)- 20 Carolina dry docks
    ·      Glorious- The Descent of the Holy Spirit on the Apostles (Acts 2:1-13)- run up/down            the levee 10 times
    Fourth Stage
    ·      Joyful- The Presentation of the Child Jesus in the Temple (Luke 2:22-38)- 8 8-count body builders
    ·      Luminous- The Transfiguration (Luke 9:28-36)- 10 hurpees (hand-release burpees)
    ·      Sorrowful- The Carrying of the Cross (Luke 23:26-32)- 15 lunges
    ·      Glorious- The Assumption of Mary (CCC 966)- 20 heels to heaven
    Fifth Stage
    ·      Joyful- The Finding of the Christ Child in the Temple (Luke 2:41-52)- BBSU
    ·      Luminous- The Institution of the Eucharist (Luke 22:14-20)- 15 genuflections
    ·      Sorrowful- The Crucifixion (John 19:17-30)- 15 X-factors (feet stationary)
    ·      Glorious- The Coronation of Mary as Queen of Heaven and Earth (Revelation 12:1)-             25 freddy mercuries
     
     
    After all things had taken place, the PAX picked up and headed back to the flag for COT, with the 6 coming in at exactly 6:00 to complete a morning of excellent timing. The rugby shirt had come into Honey Suckle’s possession because of a comment toward its previous owner, and he “waited for a sign” to show its next PAX to weigh down. That sign came in the form of Lil Cuz‘s comment on how Suckle was the only one thus far who hadn’t sweat through it. COT and Cuz prayed us out.
    F3 has proven to be somewhat pivotal in my slowly maturing prayer life, as I’m sure can be said for many of us. One sign that a beatdown is particularly grueling is if the physical begins to translate to spiritual (e.g. “Lord, I offer this next desperate burst of merkins for…”). It’s in those moments when I remember that Mary brings our own prayers to God and, as any mother would, pleads for Him to grant them. What I like to do before each beatdown is choose someone or something in need of prayers or for whom I simply wish well, and if you don’t do this already, I highly recommend it. Same with a daily Rosary—there have been a few times were I could vaguely sense a fraction of Mary’s reaction at my saying yes to her appeals to pray the Rosary. Mary, more than anyone, knows that nothing is impossible for God, and if any one of her children are in need, she will storm the gates of Heaven to see those needs met. Mary loves us more than we could know, and, like the perfect mother she is, is more than happy to invoke God’s graces to provide for our needs. Again, another comfort we don’t deserve.
                                                                                                    SYITG, Pope

  • A to ‘ – from America’s Best

    YHC arrived early (15 seconds before Goose), full of stoke for this beatdown, but mostly for da playlist. Had one full Hawaii playlist ready, but last night, no reason, YHC switched ‘em out for one playlist of all cover songs. And, like one log cruising over da waterfall in slow motion, they were glorious. . .

    Suddenly, something even more exciting:
    “Hey guys, this is Austin.” White Meat had brought an FNG.
    My brain squirrel jumped on the thinkin’ wheel, and the gears that push the struts that crank the wheels on the train of thought began to turn.
    Austin—>Austin Powers—> Richie Cunningham … but that would have to wait.
    It was time for: The Disclaimer.
    YHC could not remember all the points of the disclaimer. Luckily Paradox, playing Cyrano to my Christian, stood right next to me feeding me the lines. I tried to talk over him, but we all know the futility of that. I swear I didn’t see this coming when I started this analogy, but Paradox is the perfect Cyrano due to their shared love of Roxan(n)e.

    Standard Warmarama
    SSH, Imperial Walkers, Windmills, William Mayweather Hayes, Mountain Climbers, Arm Circles, cherry pickers

    Bumper mosey, but there was no bumper! YHC became disoriented and ran in a wandering loop… really all part of the strategy to get to higher mileage… more on that later.

    Da Kine:

    Many months ago, Enron gifted us all with an A to Z beatdown, assigning an exercise to each letter of the alphabet. YHC immediately recognized the value of this “Rosetta Stone of Exicon” and began planning an homage to (ripoff of) that beatdown.

    And so da kine would be the same as Enron’s, but using the Hawaiian alphabet, which contains only 13 letters (if you count the okina, which I did).
    They would be:
    A – Aloha, Merkins (which are just merkins)
    E – Elbow plank
    I – Imperial Walkers
    O – Okole Rollers (BBS)
    U – Upright Rows
    H – Humuhumunukunukuapua’a Humpers
    K – Kurls
    L – Lunges
    M – Merkins
    N – No, Oh Nos
    P – Push-up Pimp Merkins (which are just merkins)
    W – WW2 Sit ups
    ‘ – Prime Time Merkins

    At the last moment, YHC added that designation to the Humpers, challenging anyone to pronounce the state fish of Hawaii. Pope nailed it immediately, completely demoralizing YHC. Mahalo, Disney.

    Because the number of letters is fewer, the number of reps would be higher. YHC loves to test the brainpower of the PAX, so I let everyone know that the number would be 49, and asked if anyone knew the significance of that number. Almost in unison, the PAX fell into my trap. “Because Hawaii is the 49th state.”
    No! No no no. Trick question! Hawaii is the 50th state, and we will do 50 reps of each.
    I can only assume these dudes are streaming “Hawaii 4-9” on WebFlix.

    Like Captain Cook, we circled 2 laps around the island between sets. Sometime during one of those laps, YHC had the epiphany that I had chosen a playlist of all covers, and WetTap fartsacked his Q yesterday, remaining under his covers. This beatdown would be dedicated to WetTap.

    The PAX impressively stuck together through the first 3 or 4 letters, then began to stretch into a greater distance between men. It was interesting to see how each of us had our strengths and weaknesses. My biggest weakness? I care too much.

    We ended with more music trivia, and the PAX performed well, racking up only 7 penalty burpees for missed answers. A final double-or-nothing question was offered and quickly accepted: “Who is the music playlist dedicated to, and why?”
    Goose almost nailed it (“because we covered his Q yesterday”). Actually, his logic was better than mine. Anyway, we did 10 burpees.

    COT
    FNG became who he was meant to be: Huffy.
    Rugby Jersey of Competitive Prowess bestowed upon Honeysuckle (anything to try and slow that man down)

    Paradox prayed us out.

    SYITG,
    AB

    AB Sees: That sometimes you gotta rule wit one iron fist. ‘Specially when you might be wrong.
    Aftah da beatdown, my Apple Watch wen read 2.89 miles. One more lap around would give us all solid 3 miles.
    But had some controversy. Mo advanced running calculators worn by mo advanced runners wen show one lower mileage count. My argument: Everybody know Apple technology, while not da best, is mo common and accepted mo universally. So it wins. Kinda like [insert hated presidential candidate]. (See also: Yankee Jeaux’s iPhone conversion).
    Knowing I was up against bettah technology, YHC tried fo shut it down quick. “3 miles, I’m da Q.”

    History is written by da victors, so one final lap would give us 3 full miles.
    Naha stone drop.

    (true story: 5-year old AB talked like that, much to the dismay of his poor mother)

  • Where’s the Beast?? – from Goose

    Last night, Wet Tap posted a hype GIF with Belle asking a mirror to “Show me the Beast!” What we didn’t know was that he was trying to tell us that that’s exactly what we’d be doing this morning as 5:15 rolled around , looking for the Beast. But, the Beast was nowhere to be found, unless you count when Smooth, took his shirt off about halfway through (big, hairy, grunting). YHC assumed that Tap was either enjoying a testosterone induced sleep or stabbing some early spines, so we began a warm-up with a none-too-excited PAX while formulating the first thang of what would be stereotypically difficult round robin.

    YHC took the first thang, an inevitable Dora consisting of everyone’s favorite four exercises: 100 Merkens, 200 curls, and 300 big boy sit-ups; partner runs a lap around the track. It was supposed to be 200 situps and 300 curls, but Popeye really wanted to get to those curls, so the abs got a little more attention this morning.

    Popeye Q’d next, thankfully, with a little more creativity. Each man took a turn murder bunny-ing across the field and running back while the rest of the PAX stayed and did an exercise AMRAP of the traveling man’s choosing. Pop started us off and assigned Apollo Onos. YHC assigned Toe-tappers, Lil Cuz gave squats (what are those?), Smooth doled out suicides, and Pope followed his lead with side shuffles. Then once all PAX had traversed the field, Popeye put the icing on the cake by having all run the half lap to retrieve the coupons, do five man-makers, and murder bunny back to the start.

    Now, it was Little Cuz’s turn, and after a couple of much needed 10-counts, he decided to take it easy on us. Wait, no, he didn’t. Per usual round robin dynamics, he would not be outdone, and matter-of-factly stated that we would each be doing 100 Merkins followed by a little bit of Mary. Thankfully, the Form Police, though brought up in conversation, did not make an appearance this morning, and we finished with a couple of minutes holding 6 inches.

    COT and Cuz prayed us out.

    It was so good having Smooth Operator back in the mix! Pope may be able to say “OK” just like him, but nobody can replace the uniquely awesome mix of tenacity and humility that he brings to the group. Keep it up, buddy!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Always a Gunner – from Safety Valve

    YHC pulled up to scope things (and maybe come up with a beatdown idea) slightly earlier than usual. The air was thick and electric – the thunderstorm and lightening had YHC questioning if he should just turn around and say he overslept. Then he remembered that White Meat HC’d the night before. YHC couldn’t let a good chance go to waste to hurt that man again. In the wise words of our feathered leader, “we do not deserve to be comfortable.”

    Warmaramma
    SSH
    High knees (the real kind)
    Butt kicks
    Willy mays hays (very slow)
    mountain climbers
    Arm circles forward and backward
    Cherry Pickers

    Thang

    With it being the last weekend of premier league soccer (YHC’s team is in the running for the title this year) and YHC’s first Saturday Q, playing some sort of soccer was on the docket. But first, some time had to be “wasted”. We moseyed over to the ED white stadium.

    1 mile run under 8 minutes was ordered – everyone complied and no dishonorable discharges had to be handed out. Dox and Honeysuckle led the group with around a 7 minute pace. There was some discontent in our little group of Ronnie, Goose, Pope, and YHC. Ronnie was helping to set our pace, but a backhanded compliment about being a good person to draft behind from Goose sent Ronnie into a new level. We finished with a 7:20 pace. White meat, Popeye and Wet tap were close one our heels.

    Next, the rules of our main event was explained. We would be playing soccer, with traditional soccer rules. No throwing the ball, no punting the ball. Just plain old soccer, using your feet. There would be 3 teams all playing at the same time with one ball. In essence each team had a goal to defend and two goals they could score on. Once a team was scored on, they would be out of the game and would have to do big boy sit ups until the last team was knocked out. If someone shot and missed the goal, that entire team had to do 3 burpees. Having three teams vs two added just the perfect amount of chaos that was needed to fulfill a F3 Saturday beatdown. Three separate games were played with a “halftime” show in between each game.

    Halftime show #1 – Tubchumper by Chumpawampa
    SSH for duration of song with burpee for every “I get knocked down..”

    Halftime show #2 – Stairway to heaven
    For the duration of the song: bearcrwal to 10 yardline and do 10 merkins and sprint back, bearcrawl to 20 yardline and do 20 merkins and sprint back, etc until the song was over. This wasn’t received well.

    Observations :
    #1 – Pope is athletic. I’m not sure he ever touched a soccer ball before, but he schooled most of us, including YHC.
    #2 – White meat has balled before – don’t let that innocent face convince you otherwise
    #3 – Goose is competitive, we know this. But, soccer is his weakness. I think it’s because he can’t just toss people over his shoulder in soccer. It’s frowned upon. File this away for another day.
    #4 – What Goose lacks in soccer skills though, he makes up for it in fatherhood. Seeing Duke literally give whatever he can to the group is amazing to watch. This 4 year old’s insight of the world is so advanced for his age. He felt like he wasn’t able to contribute to his team playing soccer since his Dad was trying to run him over, but he saw a need elsewhere. He became the best ball boy any soccer pitch has ever seen. T-claps for sure.
    #5 – YHC team was full of all-stars: Lil Cuz is a master shot stopper, his skills could only be compared to Wet tap playing ultimate frisbee. Popeye was the only level minded person on the field when he decided that just playing defense is the way – let the other two teams full of cavemen go after one another first. Brilliant! See #4 for Duke.

    We made it back to flag with 3 minutes to spare. YHC thought hard about ending the beatdown early, but once again, I couldn’t let White Meat down. We laid down in the mud puddles and completed 3 minutes of Mary. Announcements were made. The rugby jersey was handed from Lil Cuz to YHC – he must have appreciated the bearcrawl to heaven earlier. Lil Cuz prayed us out.

    Thanks for coming out this morning and playing some weird sport that not many people are into. Always a pleasure to lead

  • Dangling Participles – from Honeysuckle

    YHC and 8 HIMs convened at the Den Where the Lion Once Was. Knowing that Achilles tendon injuries were soon to be on the rise due to the Thibodaux “Master Plan”, the warmup was slightly extended.

    Warmarama:
    SSH, Imperial Walkers, Mountain Climbers, Windmills, Arm Circles (F/R), Cherry Pickers, Self Love

    As we’re in the middle of the May Challenge, YHC decided to spend most of the beatdown rehashing the types of things we’ve been doing to get points. Today, it would be mainly mileage, merkins, and big boy situps.

    Thang 1:

    To get the ball rolling, we began with cheddar shreddar. Some of the PAX remembered this one, others didn’t, but what YHC didn’t remember is how challenging it is. The PAX lined up in plank position shoulder to shoulder, and the PAX at the far left would move to become face to face with the PAX to his right and say “down” as they both do a merkin together.
    Then everything shifts one to the right, sort of like a conveyor belt. At the end, run to the edge of the parking lot and back only to do the cheddar shreddar again.

    To get the “silent retreat beatdown” effect, YHC suggested that maybe we didn’t need to say “down” depending on the connection felt with the PAX you’re lined up with. What resulted instead was some extremely exaggerated and loud “down!”s as different PAX felt emboldened to let out pent-up frustration and disappointment with certain of their fellow PAX.

    Thang 2:

    To continue with the merkins, a ladder exercise was to be performed starting with 5 merkins at the fresh concrete square, run to the back of the civic center to do 5 BBSs, run back to the square to do 10 merkins, and so on, until the round of 25 merkins and 25 BBSs were completed. The PAX were instructed to stay together until everyone was finished. YHC took a little too long getting those 25 BBSs and only Pope stayed behind. To the other 7 PAX, YHC would like to say, “DOWN!!”

    Thang 3:

    In the spirit of rehashing, YHC reprised the “name the thing these two songs have in common” game with “Small Town” (John Cougar Mellancamp) and “Live and Let Die” (Paul McCartney and the Wings). For the first song, hold Al Gore and every mention of “Small Town” was a jump squat or Bobby Hurley. For the second song, squats during the slow part, SSHs during the fast part, and high knees during the other part. Oh, what was the common thread to which I was referring to? It reminds me of a joke.

    A visitor from Homer at Harvard on the Bayou (Cardinal tells me I may get sued for saying that) had gotten lost looking for the building once famous for simultaneously housing the culinary school and the biology department. Upon noticing a dapper marketing professor and asked him, “Sir, where is Gouaux hall at?” Looking up from his new iPhone, the professor said, “Here at Harvard on the Bayou, we don’t end sentences with a preposition.” The Homerian native, whose chatter ability was surpassed only by his sarcasm prowess, responded, “Sir, you just did.”

    Or something like that. You may have heard another version. I cannot forget from where it is that I come FROM. This ever-changing world in which we live IN. A chickfila pops up, an ALDI pops up, and the Lion is gone.

    Thang 4:

    In the limited remaining time, the PAX attempted to descend the latter of Thang 3, starting with 25 each. We made it through 15 merkins and then ran the rest of the time to end up with 2 miles as the clock struck 6.

    Announcements/Intentions. Good luck to YJ. May you destroy your defense as well as you destroyed the wood in the expansion joints this morning. Safety Valve prayed us out.
    Kudos to the fasters. The PAX continue to inspire YHC with not only physical prowess but dedication in these other areas. It was a pleasure to Q this morning.

    SYITG,
    Honeysuckle

  • Family Feud – from Paradox

    You wake up on your couch, heart pounding as you brush off the Panera crust of last nights dinner. You turn off the 10th Dr Phil rerun and make a mental note to cool it on the charger lemonades. That familiar ill feeling falls over you as you realize you are late for work and truly in deep water because your incompetent, angry, micromanaging boss will surely make another passive aggressive comment that you have too many kids. One peek out the window and it looks like a ThunderTsumamiNado is brewing. You rush to the bathroom only to realize you are out of Old Spice but luckily there is puréed banana in the fridge for just such an occasion. You hustle out to your ole lemon of a truck. The inside smells like limes and regret. You mosey on into work avoiding the burps and curls of Thibodaux traffic. Stopped at a red light on canal, you can’t believe your eyes. Your beloved lion statue at the civic center is gone. A tough pill to swallow, seeing them pave paradise and put up a parking cawn! You are already composing the email to the authorities in your head as you pull into work. This won’t end without a Feud…heyyy what’s that beeping noise…

    You awake a second time.
    In your cozy fartsack.
    Alarm says 4:50am.
    It’s time for another beatdown.
    Whewwww, just a bad dream
    You can’t wait to get to the den and stretch your calves on that perfect 75 degree angle….

    Duke !! Wake up !
    Survey says it’s time for a last minute game show beatdown !
    Roll that beautiful footage and make sure it’s on the 1992 rolltop tv/vcr !

    Warmup
    Usuals with some serious groans of the chesticle region. Mostly done in silence as we all contemplated the loss of our lion friend and his mystery flags. Was this a targeted attack? Is there something bigger/better coming as payment for our 45 minutes/week of extra park security? And most importantly, just where in the heck are we supposed to do our pre beatdown loitering?!

    YHC led the pax in a coupon mosey drop off then transitioned into an Indian run 3 burp drop to warm the carburetors.

    Back to the …cawns (single tear) ..and YHC unveiled today would be about f3 family unity.
    Ya see F3 Thib has a long and bloody history of schisms…a few highlights from our timeline :

    1.) how to say “pirogue”
    -Early Goose Era

    Status : unsettled , please don’t ask Cardinal unless you want a homily about Acadian history.

    2.) The fitness tracker wars
    -late year 2 growth spurt era

    Status : stalemate , many casualties

    3.) The BlueTooth Conflict
    -Anker Dominant era

    Status : still healing after the death of Anker

    And the most recent blood feud may top them all …

    4.) The Earls of Sandwich
    – Rienzi Awakening Era

    Status : Some of the hottest takes about sub shops you can imagine.

    That’s just a taste of the major conflicts and so today we honor the bickering of brothers that can always be overpowered by the unity of the 3 Fs. At the end of the day we can agree to disagree and when the chatter gets unbearable …well has YHC told you about double Merkin burpees yet?

    Da Thang

    “We are family”
    IW on song
    Double Merkin Burpee on “Family” and “Sister”

    -Standard issue with AB immediately guessing Sister Sledge as the artist for 30 seconds off and later Pope guessed 1979 as the year of release for another 30 second discount.

    Mosey to Stairs for…

    F3 Family Feud

    Rules:
    Split teams
    Each team has a marker board and a designated writer.
    Given a family feud style topic that was allegedly from a “random” 100 Americans survey.

    The team must list top 3 answers and the order while running a lap around the civic center. They stop half way for 15 curls of a coupon and other curled lips of aggressive intimidation.

    Highest points wins the round.

    Winner – 10 merkins
    Loser – 10 burpees
    Tiebreak – 4, 5, 6th on list

    YHC would serve as host and journalist to report the team dynamics for the historians.

    Round 1
    Bad Qualities of a boss
    Answers:
    1. micromanagement
    2. Incompetence
    3. Angry

    Team 1 rolled out strong with Popeye clearly having some bad boss history to get off his chest . (“You sure lazy isn’t in there dox?” )
    Pope was established as the team writer since he can run 7 min miles in his sleep. He also sprinkled in some timely order changes.

    Team 1 was the victor
    Team 2 felt the sting of burpees and began the rally.

    Round 2
    You’re in deep (blank)

    Answer
    1. Doo-doo
    2. Trouble
    3. Water

    There’s a few topics you just can’t beat Goose on, the top 2 being Theology and Poop. He led his team to victory here correctly placing doo doo as number 1 and a full sweep of correct placements Team 2 handed out the burpees.

    Round 3
    Rhymes with “Will” associated with doctors.

    Answers:
    1.Bill
    2.Pill
    3.Ill

    YHC had to jog in silence as the doctor bashing began. Both teams correctly guess the qualities of this money grubbing profession and it was a Tie.
    YHC awarded the W to team 2 for the creativity of Dr Phil.

    **Wet Tap continued to lecture that some people consider burpees a win. It was looked upon in disgust by all.

    Round 4
    A wrestler named after a weather condition.

    Answer:
    1.) Tornado
    2.) Storm
    3.) Thunder

    Great debate here as our geographical anxieties put Hurricane in the forefront of the minds of both teams. Another tie and Lil cuz is watching Nacho Libre as we speak.

    Round 5 – The grand Fruitnale

    What fruit would you select if you were out of deodorant ?

    Answers:
    1.) Orange
    2.) Lemon/lime
    3.) Apple

    This one seemed to launch the greatest chatter and performed well when beta tested with YHCs family. Ronnie got off to a great debate on texture vs. smell and clearly preferred bananas. Popeye seemed to have no issue with his own body odor and considers society would better off without deodorant.
    Over in group 2 Gooses overindulgence of the Old Spice led to his prescience abilities. His eyes went blue and he was on the hunt for top rated citrus.
    Lil Cuz kept saying weird stuff about papaya but Everyone else just did their curls and lost the appetites for fruit all together.

    Group 2 edged out a win

    Shortened Mary with holding of 6 inches and leg raises.

    Intentions for families going through difficult times and graduating seniors.

    COT and Tap prayed us out.

    Thanks for the opportunity to lead.

    The Doxicology Report

    Many times you will hear a similar proclamation about F3 from guys across the nation. “It’s something I didn’t know I was missing but instantly knew I needed”. In the last few years I’ve continued to see the accuracy of this statement and it still remains difficult to quantify or even explain fully what God provides through this group. One aspect that is clear to me is that it fosters relationships where you can safely bring an opinion you know others may disagree with. This can be uncomfortable but it can also be a great opportunity to trust God in humility and to listen more than you yap. (Really tough one for yours truly )

    Whether it’s sandwich wars , Cajun dialect discussions or deeper matters YHC is grateful for a group where you can state your opinion , potentially change it based on something new and at the very least do ridiculous exercises until you forget what the issue was.

    In F3 Thib it ain’t a family without a little feuding and I reckon I’d be in deep doo doo without you fellers.

    SYITG
    Dox