F3 New Orleans

Tag: Goose

  • Skid Marks – from Goose

    I know, that’s two backblasts in a row from YHC with a toilet humor theme–I may or may not be working on a streak here.

    YHC has been yearning to take advantage of the random brick piles strewn about the neighborhood construction sites, and there was a particular exercise routine I remember both hating and marveling over from my time on the Northshore. This seemed the perfect morning to pull it out of the bag.

    After a warmup of the usual exercises and mumblechatter topics (including Goats’s late night GroupMe activity followed by a fartsack), we moseyed to the corner at the beginning of Rich Man’s Loop where we usually stop so the exercise can be both explained and groaned about.
    For the first Thang the PAX were just told that we’d be bear crawling to the next light post and then given further instructions. YHC didn’t notice that Yankee Joe hadn’t heeded the glove recommendation–what was to be a bit of a rough morning began for him at that point–that pavement’s got some wicked grooves. At the time, though, he thought, “Surely this is why he recommended gloves, but whatever–a little bear crawl never hurt nobody.” YHC could smell his thoughts, and they stunk of misplaced confidence, so I responded with thoughts of my own: “Don’t call me Shirley.”

    The next lightpost distance would be traversed via THE crab walk. All eyes were on Cardinal to see what kind of technique or mental prowess he employed to smoke everyone so completely and consistently. He did not disappoint as he completed the entirety of Rich Man’s Loop twice before even one of us had made it halfway to the next light post. And no one could evaluate his form because when you crab walk, you face backward. There was plenty of time, though, to make educated guesses: maybe it’s his arm to spine length ratio? his red hair? the grace of ordination? his youth? helium bags hidden in that sweatshirt? crab-derived steroids? Regardless, his prowess didn’t seem to be limited to just the crab walk this morning. Some leftover Q-drenaline, or maybe the lead-drenaline was kicking hard, and he would not be beaten for most of the light post transports.

    The next two posts were side shuffles (right-facing, then left facing) mostly so YHC could have a few seconds to get his courage up for the next two…

    The next light post was traversed via 44’s: 4 bear crawl steps and 4 merkins in turns all the way there.
    Wet Tap had graciously joined The Stage crew this morning, and this is where he made his presence known (not surprisingly). YHC is pretty convinced that he walked on his hands growing up and did push-ups continuously during class while his schoolmates sat in desks. (“I just learn better that way.”)

    After this, we switched the number “44” around to make it “44”: this time with crab walks and whatever you call the exercise where you do basically a standing, full extension wife pleaser. So, in crab position, you do like a mini dip (butt hits the ground) followed by a wife pleaser fully off the ground. 4 crab walk steps to 4 of those.
    This, again, was brutal for everyone who wasn’t Cardinal, especially since some sort of breach in the space time continuum caused the next lightpost to keep getting farther away and the one we just left to follow us like a puppy.

    Next post was The Groucho Walk, which was a pretty unique, dizzying experience in a tight group of 8 large men. The comparisons to West Side Story and the Anchorman rumble scene were the perfect distraction from the deep quad/groin burn.

    We ended this routine with one more interval of nurring before moseying, not back to the flag, but to the brick pile.

    Thang 2: S**t Brick Sliders

    YHC was first introduced to this routine by Crawfish from F3 Birmingham(?) when he made a cameo at Granny’s on the Northshore about three years ago. It was so creative and ridiculous and hard that it stuck in my head, and I’ve been doing the typical “avoiding it/can’t wait to try it again” dance.

    YHC mysteriously grabbed two bricks from the pile and led the mosey backtracking to the dead end in the middle of the loop (to the right after the long east/west straightaway where the burpee station was for the SV500), which will heretofore be known as “The Dead End of Solace” because of how pretty that area is, and because the 44’s were over. Montana felt the need to mention aloud that he would not willingly participate in any breaking and entering, and Enron actually agreed to take part in any revenge based activities that might be planned.

    Instead, each PAX, one at a time, took the two bricks, placed them on the ground, and pushed them down the street, driving with the feet and having to stay low because of the friction, and leaving red, stinky skid marks all the way to the manhole cover about 25 yards away. Before starting, each PAX would assign the rest of the group an exercise to complete AMRAP until they returned, and upon their return, each PAX would comment, “That’s harder than it looks!” Seriously, I think we heard that four times.

    We ended with all PAX running to grab two bricks apiece and lining up so we could all do it one more time together. Enron got off to an impressive start but face planted after the right brick caught a mud spot, though he still finished first after a solid recovery. Not much pride earned by any of the PAX on that last one, but the marks of our immense efforts will remain. At least until Wednesday when it’s scheduled to rain.

    Moseyed back to the flag for LBC’s and flutters, COT, and Paradox prayed us out. It was an awesome morning–definitely one that brought the PAX together and made YHC grateful for time with this crew! Very much looking forward to a Goats VQ on Thursday!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • A Day in the Life of a Cardinal – from Cardinal

    YHC was up late the night before due to a thrilling game-winning field goal as the clock ran out in the second-round playoffs of his alma mater. With Cardinal pride coursing through my veins, the beatdown began to form. We’d take the PAX on a journey back to a day in Cardinal’s life as a Cardinal – pun intended.

    We began with the usual warmup – SSH, IW, WM, the full Arm Circle gambit (forward, backward, cherry pickers, and Moroccan night clubs) and finished off with some grass grabbers (sans clap).

    Then we moseyed to a new location – YHC’s parents’ house, which is right across the street from the Peltch and right next door to the high school.

    A typical Cardinal day started with a brisk walk to school – living across the street has some perks – like waking up 10 minutes before class started and still getting there on time (as long as a brisk pace was kept). We did an Indian run, with the last PAX dropping for 7 merkins, until we finally arrived at the classroom building for the day to begin.

    Now YHC’s alma mater is known for many things – chief of which are the legendary biscuits. Buttery goodness that you haven’t imagined or experienced until you tried one. Paula Dean would be proud. You don’t want to know how much butter goes in them. But they are unmatched. YHC had one (sometimes more) every day for the course of my stint at the school (hence the current need for working out). But as you might imagine, they were popular. You had to get there quickly if you wanted to have any time of recess left (and God forbid you risk them running out!!!!).

    Thus – the biscuit sprint. The PAX paired up, with one sprinting from the classroom building to the student union and back while the other did 4×4 of merkins, mountain climbers, BBS, and overhead presses. We did two rounds, because the daily limit imposed by the school was 2 biscuits per student per day.

    Then, classes resumed until lunch. We moseyed over to the Card Yard for lunch time and another partner workout. PAX paired up, with one doing incline merkins while the other bear crawled to the other side of the Yard. Round 2 involved derkins and crab walks.

    We finished lunch time with a quick round of blackjack from the deck of death. Two PAX came out with 19’s so YHC decided to do both. I forget exactly what happened, but it involved many squats.

    We then moseyed to the football stadium for the pep rally for the big game. Rival week is legendary between YHC’s alma mater and their rival school. The Thibodaux PAX have their own fierce rivalry on Bluetooth speakers – Anker, cheap yet decent, vs JBL, who has been accused of being the weakest speaker in F3. We put them to the test in a head-to-head playoff of Flower by Moby. JBL’s turn involved doing what the song said via squats (up and down). Anker’s turn involved merkins (up and down). Who was the winner??? Jury’s still out…the PAX could come to no clear winner – no one is willing to change their allegiance.

    We finished out on the field by doing 1st and 10’s…YHC forgot a couple details, which Goose was happy to let him do, so we did 1 burpee/100yd sprint, 2 burpees/90yd sprint, and so on. It was a hard…really hard…but good way to finish out. Just like last night’s game was down to the wire, we couldn’t slow down if we hoped to finish in time. The PAX succeeded. Rumor has it Paradox upped his life insurance policy after the experience. Paradiddle really came alive and showed that he was made for burpees and sprinting – God bless him…

    A final thought I had that never materialized was recreating the “Stadium Cleanup” – after each home game, students would come the Saturday morning to clean up the trash. Enron unknowingly made it happen with the suggestion to help clean up after we finished out – a great F3 act of service.

    We moseyed back to the Peltch for COT and Goose praying us out. A great beatdown despite the misty rain that persisted. Grateful for these men!!

    And GEAUX CARDS!!!

    SYITG,

    Cardinal

  • Gather Around the Fire – from Paradox

    Since the dawn of civilization men have shared stories around Gods gift of flame. Tales of triumph and sorrow, passed from generation to generation, formed the foundation of our early history. So when 7 pax trickled into the Stage on a rather chilly bayou morning questions abound about the bright orange glow coming from the spare lot north of the Stage. There was Enron with his standard issue “what the hell do you have planned now” look. Goose with his “Will I get a call from the HOA” concerns. Tana with speculations about UFOs. Yankee with his usual “I’m not sure what it is, but I love it already” exuberance. Cuz with a steely eyed glance that spoke volumes. YHC reassured them that all will be revealed but in due time. Every good story needs to really simmer in uncertainty before you reach a rolling boil. The gloom was filled with mystery and somewhere on 40 arpent road Goats was cranking his car and testing the air with fartleks….so we knew it was time to get started .

    Warmup
    The usual warmups plus Goats coming in hot signaling 5:35am. I will say with the recent addition of “Live with Goats” every night on the GroupMe his tardiness is much more tolerated. Bumper mosey with hilarious Northshore tales from Goose about pedestrians questioning what exactly the PAX could be training for? Like “hey we are monkey humper/burpee/merkin triathletes but why don’t you mind your business and walk your schnauzer lady!”

    Back at the stage, we grabbed coupons in a single file rifle carry line and headed north, toward the campfire.

    Chapter 1: The Dark Years
    We settled our coupons around a blazing fire (large traffic cone with a LED light inside, propped on a coupon…no big deal) and YHC revealed that today was his 1 year F3 Manniversary. On November 16, 2021 YHC was at this very location as an FNG. Today’s beatdown would be a tribute to our PAX and the growth YHC has been blessed with since starting this journey. Every great origin story begins one of two ways: a scientist obtains superpowers from a freak accident or…a super nerd gains perspective from a dark period in his life and gets a chance to change his fate. YHC’s would be the latter.
    First exercise was dedicated to the Pre-F3 Garage Bro Circuit training that I was doing irregularly at home. Everyone knows this routine. Slam some PreWorkout with 9000 mg caffeine…then Chest on Monday, Biceps on Tuesday and maybe Legs 3 weeks later. Rinse and repeat until its April and you realize you must swim in an oversized t-shirt at the company picnic again because of a “rash”.

    100 RING OF FIRE incline merkins
    50 RING OF FIRE decline merkins
    Colt 45s
    Bolt 45s

    Chapter 2: Chance Encounters
    YHCs very first exposure to F3 was at our backyard tee ball league. While showing my kids how their old man used to serve up nasty sliders at HHS I overheard two men in conversation:

    Goats: Hey Man you posting this Saturday? Goose had us doing monkey humpers at peltier park last beatdown!

    (Proceeds to demonstrate a monkey humper in front of God and all his children)

    Enron: Yea that sounds awful, cant wait!

    I dashed to cover my children’s ears before realizing these men were in some sort of top secret workout group. The seeds of curiosity were planted. (At this very same tee ball league I met a young stepper named Adrian Maught before his transformation into Yankee Broseph/Joseph/Oh No).

    25 monkey humpers were completed and the Lafourche sherriff made some real slow drive-bys

    Chapter 3: The Goose Nest and a Leap of Faith

    Fast Forward a few months, while having Dinner at the Goose nest and meeting the Goslings, Goose’s M mentioned that he leads a workout F3 thing in the front of the neighborhood. Ultimately I think it was the enthusiasm that she displayed about how much of an impact it had made on Goose that led me to inquire more. One pinned location text message later and I was set to meet a new friend and several complete strangers in the dark at a “green space” in the neighborhood. I knew there would be fitness and I knew I would get a name I didn’t like (I had personally picked out Doctor Strange but Goose had me beat by a mile).

    In honor of our M’s having great influence in inviting FNGs we partnered up to complete
    P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Thrusters. FlapJack
    P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Coupon Swings. FlapJack

    Chapter 4: The First Beatdown

    The details from that first beatdown are always hazy but a few things standout to me:

    1. During that first beatdown I was indeed welcomed with Open Arms. From Cardinal showing me modifications to Enron keeping things light while critiquing Gooses form I never felt like a stranger to this group. Goose explained everything with clarity and detail.
    I hope to pass this along to every FNG.

    SONG: Creed With Arms Wide Open- Coupon step ups on song then Coupon Merkin with side plank reach on every “arms wide open”. It seems the crowd was very split on love/hate for Creed.

    2. My very first Thang in F3 was The Cupid Shuffle (see below), a song that previously annoyed me to no end was transformed in front of my eyes into tortuous shoulder/chest monster. Needless to say I have been quite obsessed with the creative process of building and sharing beatdowns and the joy I get from this process can’t be understated. Months later when creating my very own beatdown I remember Goose telling me that besides a warmup and COT there were very few rules. It was like that scene in the Matrix where Morpheus shows Neo the “white room” where he can summon anything he thinks of. (not saying im the chosen one but it’s a decent analogy).
    SONG: We completed the Cupid Shuffle : Merkins on Down Down, Mountain climbers on Do your dance, left plank, right plank shuffle, then mountain climbers on walk it out.

    3. So, building beatdowns is great but truly what has kept me returning to the well of F3 is the power of shared suffering during an exercise with men you trust at both sides. During that first beatdown we wrapped up with a classic “Tubthumping” by Chumbwumba. I remember watching Enron react to this announcement. The slight head nod of recognition followed by the neck crack to signify that he would risk a heart attack to not be defeated by these burpees. He took the challenge personal, and I felt the need to not leave him or any of these other men to do burpees alone.
    SONG: Survivor by Destinys Child: SSH on song, Burpees on Survivor.

    4. Finally, my first beatdown was complete and I found out Paradox would now be my name for most of my new social circle (M’s and 2.0s included). There’s a great camaraderie that comes along with these silly names and brough to mind an old classic TV theme Song.
    SONG: Cheers Theme song- Rifle carry circle march and Man Makers on Name and Came

    We wrapped up with Dealers Choice Mary to signify every man bringing something to the table.
    LBCs, 20 deg to 90 deg (nice selection Goats)….then something special happen.
    Goose still had an ace under his sleeve and unleashed Pickle Pounders to F3 Thibodaux for what I think was the first time. It was ….well….it was something.

    Countoff , Name off, and YHC prayed us out with tremendous gratitude for God bringing me into this group. Special thanks to Goose for the EH and to all the guys who come out to get a little better each beatdown.

    Cant wait for another great year.

    SYITG
    Pdox

  • Fartlek: It’s a Swedish Word, You Juveniles – from Goose

    YHC pulled up earlier than usual to an empty parking lot with some distant hopes that the beatdown that I created last night might actually be avoided. But, Enron drove in only seconds later followed closely by Fence Post, so I pulled up my big boy pants and stepped out into the cold.
    Enron was in his typical warm weather gear, and Fence Post was following suit, though we still had a solid 7 minutes to wait to see if Goats would make good on last night’s commitment. So, despite the warm mumblechatter, these two scantily clad men were shivering as 5:30 slowly arrived. Slag was thrown on Goats for not showing after talking it up again, and the warmup began with the usuals.
    Then, quite unexptectedly, just before the high knees and butt kicks, Goats actually showed up–he had been wrestling muddy dogs, otherwise he would have even been on time. So, it would be four of us after all.

    Thang 1: Fartlek
    So, Burpee is a guy’s last name–the exercise has nothing to do with burping, and any association is purely coincidental. Fartlek is a Swedish word that means “speed play”, and it has nothing to do with licking farts. Any association is purely inappropriate, so stop thinking about it. What are we, 7th graders? You can’t even lick a fart anyway, it’s gas. You want to argue about that? What would you do to test it, pinch your nose and waggle your tongue around in the air? It wouldn’t work, so cut it out. I’m trying to write a decent, mature backblast here. “Fart lick” sounds like an insult from a late 80’s/early 90’s movie, and I would hope we’re beyond that now. It could also be an F3 name for an FNG who’s a big runner, but that would be distasteful and rude. (I guess a gas could technically be frozen quickly into a solid at some ridiculously low temperature, but I can’t imagine the effect that would have on your tongue, or your rectum, so just stop it.)

    A Fartlek is basically a training routine for runners to increase speed and endurance by varying your speed at different intervals while continuing to run. So, this morning, we would run the mile around Rich Man’s Loop and and through the townhouses for a full Fartlek mile, sprinting from every third to fourth light post and jogging the rest. Goats and Fence Post were none too excited, but they kept up much better than they expected, both showing massive improvement over the last few weeks.

    Thang 2: Lt. Dan
    Since we’ve had so much focus on upper body recently, YHC decided we needed a good leg shredder, so after Fartling, I mean Fartlicking, no, leking, we would throw down on some Lt. Dans. (“But, Lt. Dan, you ain’t got no legs.”). Starting at the edge of the concrete with one squat and two lunge steps, then 2:4, then 3:6, we made our way past the benches and to the street and back continuing to add one squat and two lunge steps up to about 12:24.
    At this point, the legs were dead, so it was time to get back to the upper body.

    Thang 3: More Than a Feeling
    YHC cranked (after a few tries) the song “More Than a Feeling” by Boston. PAX held high side planks (with opposite hand in the air) during the verses (alternating on each verse) and during the refrain, held two-handed high plank and did merkins for every “more than a feeling.” And, more than a feeling it certainly was.

    Jumped up on The Stage (a.k.a. “The Bird Bathroom”) for 15 L-Leg Step-ups (it had been a while since we did legs), 15 Irkins, 15 R-Leg Step-ups, and 15 Derkins.

    7 Minutes of Mary including Freddies, The Alphabet (uppercase), LBC’s, Wife Pleasers, and Penguins (nice and slow)

    COT and Fence Post prayed us out. Much gratitude for this awesome crew and for the men who were willing to enter into what looked on paper to be a stupid workout. We completed it because we got up early to do something hard together, and we’re now stronger for it. Honored to grow with you gents!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • DJ Deck of Death Vol. 2: She’s a BrickHouse – from Paradox

    Co-YHC arrived at the Stage Resort and Casino behind schedule to find Pit Boss Ronnie solo stretching and ready to put the Pax on a heater. He had obviously gotten warmed up on a few hands of Jack himself as he was donning less than his usual Enron cold weather gear (them north La boys just grown different ya know) . Pleasantries were exchanged, the plan was set and the tables were ready. YHC would hit the Pax with some deep house pain with a few brick synthesizers, cleanse the palate with a track mosey then Ronnie deals the deck of death in all its glorious forms. Goose, Tana, and Cardinal soon shimmied up ready to put those pickleball paychecks on the line. The tracks were hot and the table even hotter but these 5 PAX soon learned that at the Stage Casino …the House always wins. Roll that beautiful bean footage!

    Warmup
    The usuals plus a bumper mosey cus it felt right.

    The Thang

    Song: Beastie Boys- Body Movin
    Put bricks together and raise them above your head, complete Tin Soldiers/Zombie Walk for song with special Brick Jane Fondas on “body movin”: bring double brick formation to knee and alternate sides in rapid sequence. YHC could actually hear Montanas will power break after 25 seconds of Jane Fondas and he endured the remaining 35 minutes of beatdown off of shear determination. The Tana legend grows…#TanaTransformation #ManBunCity

    Deck of Death BlackJack- Various #’s of Shouder Tap Merkins, Incline Merkins, Carolina Dry Docks, Bear Crawl Circles

    Song : Sea Shanty, Row Boys Row Boys Row!
    Pax in plank formation on bricks, Merkins on Sally Brown (shes the one for me!) and when the row sequence starts lift left brick/right leg then right brick left leg up . YHC is starting to pick up special PAX preferences and I can feel Cardinals love for Sea Shanties growing each beatdown.

    Deck of Death Poker: Goose cleaned up with Trip Aces! Which meant: 100 calf raises, More Shoulder Tap Merksin, WW2 Situps

    Song: R. Kelly – “I believe I can fly”. YHC took it alllll the way back to 8th grade graduation. Brick Appolo Ohnos during the song with Bent Brick Flys on the Chorus. This was a special type of burn. YHC asked Goose if he, in fact, believed he could fly. He informed all Pax that the only thing he believed at the moment was fiery hatred for R Kelly.

    Deck of Death High Card/Low Card: My Memory is hazy here but I do remember 100 SSH and potentially Hand release merkins. It was a classic Monday Chest day by chance.

    Dual Song Finisher
    Roxanne by the Police: PAX in plank on bricks, “Roxanne” is a merkin and “put on a red light” is a plank jack. Absolute brutality.

    DJ Mary: Calvin Harris “Too Close”. Wife pleasers, LBCs then about 90 seconds of Pax giving everything left on Freddy Mercuries.

    Count off, name off and Announcements
    Lots of rumors on the street about a Cardinal Q on Saturday??

    COT and Goose prayed us out

    Great effort and push on those long plank holds. Set the tone for anything else a Monday could bring our way.

    DJ DOD volume 2 in the books, He’ll return when you least expect him.

    SYITG
    Pdox

  • The Beautiful Beatdown – from Yankee Joe

    Over the past few weeks, YHC has navigated a time of growth and reflection. In Marketing, there is a term called, “marketing myopia.” It is a concept that refers to a firm’s narrow focus on their own product development considering only internal strategies, along with competitors’ actions. As such, the organization loses focus on the two most important elements…1) the needs of the customer and 2) how their product can fulfill those needs.

    You see, YHC had also become myopic in his thinking, both about his place in F3 and subsequently, his beatdown designs. Following the St. Vincents 500 (hosted by F3 Thibodaux), I was exposed to the prowess of legends like Tanked Up, Hawgcycle, and Thibodaux Pax’s very own, Goose. With IPC 2022, in conjunction with the Jerf challenge, only to be followed by Burptober, YHC came to believe that all beatdowns should…ya know…kill you. Why else are we here?

    My dear gloom partner, I want you to know…nay, I need you to know…that I was wrong. But as only Ahtohallan knows, “when all is lost, all is found.” I embarked on a beatdown mission to find a balance between rigor, creativity, and, dare I say it, fun. That said, here we go.

    The game of soccer (or Football for the rest of the world) has its roots dating back to ancient China. However, since we cannot actually corroborate this with any real evidence, we’ll opt not to be wankers and go with the modern version, which popped up in 1860’s England (some say Germany). To distinguish the new sport from other games such as rugby, it was dubbed “Association Football.” The word “association” was abbreviated to “assoc,” with one who played the sport being an “assoccer.” As the game made its way over to the US, the term evolved into the word we know today, “soccer.” So if an obnoxious Brit ever gives you a hard time about the term “soccer,” simply inform them that you refuse to engage with a man who calls french fries, chips. And chips, crisps. I can’t. I just can’t.

    With that bit of useless trivia, we should really focus on the game itself. Though perhaps monotonous to the untrained or North Louisiana eye, the game is a chess match of fluid movement and strategy. Plays beginning from seemingly benign backfield passes, suddenly develop into offensive attacks with players moving in out of open spaces.

    The game is often called, “The Beautiful Game.” For this reason and in honor of the World Cup 2022, I offer you “The Beautiful Beatdown.”

    (First, YHC arrived early for setup and met Paradox for our typical pre-thang…wait…sorry. I’m not supposed to talk about pre-thangs. Moving on.)

    Warmarama: 11 PAX at the Peltch!!!

    The usual. YHC was losing his voice due to a constant rash of 2.0 plagues running through the castle, so I went fast. No time for mumblechatter, seriously screwing with Enron’s typical momentum. The sky was overcast and sputtering. We hailed the triumphant return of Paradiddle, a clear omen that today would be special. However, in my haste, many cadence steps were butchered. For a quick moment, Goose’s smile disappeared as if to say, “fix this or I will.” YHC got it together quickly. Mosey to the F3 soccer complex.

    Thang 1: Agility and Strength

    As this was the first part of our beatdown, we recognized the first World Cup in 1930.
    Setup: On a 30 x 10 field, one side corner several cones spaced closely for a total of 10 yards; opposite side corner the same set up. The pax split, half starting on one side and the other across the way.

    Pax began in staggered starts, side shuffling at full speed between cones for 10 yards, then 20 yard full sprint to other side; 19 burpees. Continue to opposite side cones. Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 30 merkins; Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 19 squat jumps; Repeat side shuffle and sprint going the other way then 30 Carolina Dry Docks.

    Notables: Wet Tap, recently off of IR, showed his typical prowess, barely breaking a sweat. Enron made a comment about 19 burpees being his limit, so YHC changed out 30 side straddle hops for squat jumps. I’m kidding, but Enron was on thin ice, you betta’ belee dat.

    Interlude 1: Shakira’s

    This Pax’s hips definitely lie…or at least significantly modify. Imperial walkers through the verses, Shakira’s on the refrain: low wide legged (goddess) squat with hands in praying position; remaining in squat, shimmy shoulders, while lifting alternating legs. Kinda like a squat version of the hand release merkin. Then Q’s choice intermittently with arm raised jump ups and open Pax freestyle.

    (At this point, YHC’s legs were burning from the fast pace work during the pre-thang with Paradox…Crap…sorry. I keep forgetting. First rule of pre-thangs is don’t talk about the pre-thangs.)

    Thang 2: The Goal of the Century (aka Oh Cosmic Kite)

    In the quarterfinals of the 1986 World Cup, Argentina went up against a strong squad from England. On that championship Argentinian team was a footballer named Diego Armando Maradona. Of all his countless successes, he is perhaps remembered most for the two goals during that match: The Hand of God and The Goal of the Century. Also on that day was another iconic moment provided by Victor Hugo Morales, the famous Argentinian journalist who was commentating for the match. Morales’ play-by-play of that goal, followed by what can only be described as fever pitched hysteria would move into history as one of the most recognized monologues of all time. The English translation is included at the end of the blast for your enjoyment.

    For this play, Maradona made a move down the right wing to receive a pass. Upon receipt, everybody assumed he was about to pass off to one of his teammates. However, two Englishmen closed in, blocking the passing lanes and getting within a few feet of the ball. What happened next became legend. Maradona switched directions and somehow threaded the needle between the two opponents, then set off to the races, juking and passing three more defenders on a 60 yard dash. With the English keeper sprinting out to cut off the angle and with two defenders hanging on his back, Maradona, at full speed, faked left a step, causing the keeper to fall, then scored. GOOOOOAAAALLLLL!

    The Thang:

    Partner up. 1st Round
    P1 dribbles soccer ball at full speed 30 yards to marker; Completes 86 LBC’s; sprints back with ball (total 60 yards)
    P2 holds flutter kicks for duration; flapjack

    2nd Round
    P1 dribbles full speed to marker; Completes 86 hand releases without merkin; sprints back
    P2 holds mission impossible plank for duration; flapjack

    3rd Round
    P1 dribbles full speed to marker; Completes 86 high knees; sprints back
    P2 holds Al Gore’s for duration; flapjack
    *screaming various soccer terms in multiple languages was encouraged

    Notables:
    – The 2.0’s, Coyote and Pope laid waste to the thang. Sonic (2.0 a la Goats), at five years old, made YHC look downright silly.
    – Lil’ Cuz continued to show his athletic versatility
    – Paradiddle quietly and efficiently dominated. I might be crazy, but I swear that guy never stopped smiling the entire beatdown. Beastmode.
    – Our north Louisiana Pax, Enron and Paradox, who claimed to know nothing about soccer, showed some seriously legit dribbling skills. In fact, Enron, YHC’s partner, got off the poop list due to his speedy rounds and minimizing my Al Gore time.

    (As Paradox and YHC reached the first half mile during our pre-thang, our pace was already at a sub 8 minute mile…AHHHHH. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.)

    Thang 3: Geese and Goats and Crabs and Bears, Oh My!

    That’s right, a soccer themed beatdown would not be complete without a crab-bear soccer match. The pitch was set at roughly 20 yards by 10 yards, using portable drilling goals on either side. Pax split into teams, the P1s and P2s from the previous thang. All pax started in bear. No hands allowed and you have to stay in some sort of plank. This last rule was VERY loosely interpreted, but it only added to the chaos. When one team scored, all Pax switched to crabs, while the team that was scored on did 5 burpees.

    Goal 1 came in the second minute. Wet Tap (P2s) deflected a pass across the middle from Enron (P1s). Playing stellar defense all day, Paradox (P1s) somehow managed to clear it out of their defensive third, sending a long ball to Goose (P2s) who was waiting at the top of the key, defending our goal. In a moment of confusion, Goose lost control of the ball and in a desperate attempt to kick it out of bounds, instead launched it into his own goal. He showed the appropriate amount of remorse.
    – P1s lead 1 to nil.

    Goal 2 came in the 6th minute off of the acrobatic play of Lil Cuz (P1s). The jiu jitsu training continues to manifest itself in the most incredible ways. I refer you, Dear Reader, to the History of Baseball Part 1 Beatdown, when he duck SPRINTED nearly 20 yards to make a diving catch. Was he offsides? Did he abandon his crab walk position? We’ll never know. Instant replay was not available and Goose was not prepared to use up one of his challenge flags. All we know is that Paradiddle was stealthily serving balls from the flank all game long. The result is the same.
    – P1s 2 – P2s Goose Egg.

    Goal 3 came in the 9th minute with 20 seconds remaining on the clock. Allow me to set the stage. There had been many attempts from Goose and other P2s to get the ball down to YHC in the offensive third. However, after YHC bungled nearly every opportunity, the focus shifted to Wet Tap (P2s), Sonic, and Pope. At this time, I should mention that the primary source of frustration for YHC and the P2s was a wily, smiling, and smack talking Coyote. Coyote was easily the defensive MVP for the P1s, fearless and seemingly everywhere at once. Prior to the leadup of the play development was a Paradox induced scrum that dragged Goats and YHC into the mix. The Homer (not Houma) style is strong, stubborn, and methodical. As a result the ball was moved back to mid field and cleared out of bounds. Like Batman and the Joker, Paradox and Goats showed what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. A fifth dimension opens up. Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing Goats at the Coffeteria. Somebody should look into that.

    THEN…a throw-in to YHC, who passed to the middle, but it was redirected to the flank. I could not see who it was in the mud and mist (perhaps, Pope), but the abstract mirage crossed the ball back into the middle yards away from the goal. The noise of the faithful began to rise, a crescendo of madness and delirious hope. Bodies swarmed to the middle like wolves as the ball soared through the air to its intended target. Suddenly a player leapt up above the pack. He was airborne and fully horizontal. Time stood still. Wet Tap finally believed Morpheus…HE was indeed the ONE. Wet Tap (P2s) ripped a massive scissor kick. Coyote’s knees buckled as he tried desperately to change course. It was too little, too late. The sound of the ball being swallowed in the back of the net cut through the hysterical tension…then a millisecond of terrifying silence just before the Pax erupted into an ear splitting frenzy of insanity. GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!

    – Final Score: P1s 2 – P2s 0

    Interlude 2: When Pele Met Freddie

    To the tune of Bicycle Race by Queen, Pax did 4 minutes of ab work. Q’s choice on ab exercises with Freddie Mercury’s on the refrain. Per Paradox’s feedback, YHC is still working on his Freddie Merc form.

    Mary to The Core!

    5 minutes of plank work, Q’s choice. Low plank, high plank, high side, low side, Nolan Ryan’s, Mission Impossibles, ALL WHILE doing alternating leg lifts and extended holds on leg lift in each plank position. YHC did not truly appreciate how hard this was going to be. I am proud that the Pax uttered NOT a word of mumblechatter (or audible to YHC at least).

    Mosey back to the flag, COT, and Wet Tap Armando Maradona prayed us out.

    Every opportunity to Q is another blessing. I am grateful for the trust, the humility, and of course the chatter.

    SYITHG,

    Yankee GOOOOAALLLLL

    (Paradox and YHC ran a 7:23 mile during pre-thang.)

    As promised, the commentating of Maradona’s Goal of the Century

    He’s going to pass it to Diego, there’s Maradona with it, two men on him,
    Maradona steps on the ball, there he goes
    down the right flank
    the genius of world football, he leaves the wing and he’s going to pass it to Burruchaga…
    Still Maradona! Genius! Genius! Genius!
    There, there, there, there, there, there!
    Goaaaaaaaal! Goaaaaaaal!
    I want to cry, oh holy God, long live football! What a goal! Diegoal! Maradona! It is to cry for, excuse me! Maradona, in a memorable run, in the best play of all times!
    Cosmic kite, which planet did you come
    from, to leave so many Englishmen
    behind, for the country to be a clenched
    fist crying for Argentina? Argentina 2,
    England 0!
    Diegoal, Diegoal, Diego Armando
    Maradona!
    Thank you, God, for football, for
    Maradona, for these tears, for this
    Argentina 2, England 0

  • Make it STOP! – from Goose

    YHC rolled in at 5:28 after a wild goose chase at home trying to locate Anker, who had been commandeered by a gosling at some point yesterday and left in the garage. There were already five PAX gathered at the Stage, but YHC only had eyes for one: Yankee Joe. I had assumed he was still at home on IR, weeping into his cereal, so to see him out there with his shiny sweatshirt and shiny head, YHC quickly lost sight of the other PAX and embraced him like a a prodigal son. The rest were a bit indignant, like the older brother in the parable, but the Montana-led warmup and the late arrival of Goats quickly brought plenty enough distraction.

    Montana, having had his first free hit of Q-drenaline not too long ago, was predictably jonesing for more, and last night he was trying to find a way to get another hit ASAP. YHC agreed to let him Q the warmup and Mary this morning on the condition that he practiced his intros and cadences in the mirror for at least 30 minutes last night. It helped…a little.

    After a warmup of most of the usual, a bumper mosey, and plenty of mumblechatter, which Montana plowed through with admirable fortitude, it was time to STOP and STOP hard.

    The Thang: Love for the lonely STOP sign

    YHC recently observed that the STOP sign on the far side of the parking lot may as well not even be there. No one ever goes in that direction, except for YHC on the way home from beatdowns, so no one ever looks him in the eye (or the “O”). Well, this morning would be different. It was his day.

    Phase 1:
    PAX would complete 820 reps consisting of 8 different exercises for 100 reps and 2 sets of 10 8-count body builders in honor of his 8 even sides and his 2 characteristic colors. The eight exercises would start with the four letters of his name, in two sets.

    The first set–(including a run to go high five the STOP sign between each exercise)
    -Shoulder Taps x100 (1:1)
    -Toe Taps x100 (1:1) (plank position–one hand reach through and bring opposite foot up to tap)
    -Overhead Air Presses x100
    -Plank Jacks x100
    Seal the deal with 8-count Body Builders x10

    8-count rest from Montana, then the Second Set (also including the high-five run between each exercise):
    -Side Straddle Hops x100
    -Toe Touches x100 (warmup exercise: bend over straight-legged and touch toes, then up to touch waist, then hands up high and heel raise–all in fluid motion. Dizziness was a factor after about 75.)
    -One Hundreds x100 (Lazy Boy position with hands pointed down toward legs, and flutter hands 100 times)
    -Prisoner Squats x100 (that’s right–hands behind head and do squats, 100 times in a row)
    Another round of 8-count Body Builders x10 to get us to 820 total reps.

    Phase 2:
    Songs to honor the power and dignity of the word “STOP”.

    First, “Stop Your Sobbing” by the Pretenders: flutter kick position, and hold static, but flutter every time you hear the word “Stop” (over 40 times in a 2.5 minute song)

    Second, “Stop in the Name of Love” by The Supremes: Imperial Walkers for the duration, burpees on every “Stop” and “Think it over”.

    There was supposed to be a third, but we ran out of time because YHC’s cell service decided to crap out after the first song. Thankfully, Yankee Joe came to the rescue for the second song with his foreign device, which somehow was still able to connect to well-known services such as Spotify.

    We only had enough time for a couple of minutes of Mary, which was providential since we definitely didn’t get enough of Montana’s leadership and were jonesing for more. That insane two minutes of Mary made it clear that another Montana Q is an absolutely necessity ASAP, even if that means enduring sky bunny murder makers.

    Had a blast this morning, guys (and I’m already feeling the aftermath). Thanks for pushing through, and for the light-heartedness at the beginning of the day. Loved it and needed it!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Burpeepalooza v.2 – from Goose

    The time had come…again. After the experience of Burptober with so many PAX counting their burpees and measuring their capacity to do 10 more, 20 more, 1 more, the time had come to enter into the mind blowing paradigm of the distraction dynamic. If the mind is distracted or focused intensely on something other than the question, “How much more of this can I take?”, it’s amazing how we can accomplish far more than we ever thought was possible.
    Tuesday morning, Enron, Fence Post, and YHC gathered for a small but intimate lesson on the flexible limitations of the human mind and body to the tune of nine songs, five of which were new and four of which were old burpee favorites.
    After a warmup of the usuals, YHC explained to Fence Post the reasons behind the routine so as to avoid any assumption of just pure, spiteful cruelty. Enron was already well acquainted being a card carrying member of the Burpeepalooza club. Total number of burpees would be revealed later, especially since YHC hadn’t counted them yet.
    The list was as follows, played on shuffle to maximize the unknown factor:

    “Flower” by Moby: burpees on “down”
    “Roxanne” by The Police: “Roxanne”
    “Get Back Up” by Toby Mac: “get back up again”
    “Thunderstruck by AC/DC: “thunder”
    “Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker Jr.: “Ghostbusters” (though could have included “ghost”)
    “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: “Hand”
    “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel: “In Your Eyes”
    “Wristband” by Paul Simon: “wristband”
    “For God is With Us” by For King and Country: “God is with us”

    Total number of burpees ended up being 202 in a 35 minute timeframe. Ended with two minutes of Mary (LBC’s, Flutter kicks).
    T-claps to Fence Post for completing the burpeepalooza in only his second week, and for posting at almost every beatdown since his first. Great to have you on the journey, bro! And, gratitude for Enron’s willingness to enter into YHC’s ridiculousness so many times over the past couple of years. It’s a great honor to push our limitations together, gents.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • There is Only 1 First Time – from Goose

    There is only 1, first time

    We arrived at the stage to an eager group of Pax, ending up with 8 in total. I had the que adrenaline flowing as each man who joined will be a part of my F3 journey as my first que. Humbled by the excitement and wishing for mumble chatter to test my “one liners of fear” that I have been practicing we began. I tried to view this que thru the eyes of the gunny drill Sargent from full metal jacket. I digress but full disclosure if you would of told me I would be in the gloom doing this a yr ago I would of called u a liar but this has been an amazing group thank each of u.

    Warm up: the usual with the add on of “Moroccan self love” and Enron wishing upon a shooting star.

    Thang 1: a true Dora 1,2,3 with partner taking a lap while other worked on getting 100 merkin 200 LBC and 300 flutter kicks

    Thang 2: Burpee Big Boy Ladder 11s with “Murder Maker” transports
    10 burpee then murder maker (murder bunny man maker combos) across the field 1 big boy and walk the coupon home. We repeated till assistant que Yankee Faux called for me at 6:09

    Mary til 6:15 the usuals with a goose add on so he can get a taste of the YHC power to finish off his work week.

    Enron prayed us out and it was an amazing and humbling moment getting to do this with u guys.

    YHC Wilford Montana

    #goose #paradox #yankeeFAUX #enron #fencepost #fireinthehole #cardinal #wilfordMontana
    #thestage

  • The Saints, All of ‘Em – from Goose

    Four PAX gathered for what seems like it might become a weekly deal–Tuesday mornings at The Stage. There would have been a fifth, but Yankee Joe’s kids were stomach bugging all over him. T-claps to Fence Post for “posting” his first three beatdowns in four days! And, to Lil’ Cuz for coming two days in a row in only his second month of F3! Enron, the ever steady and the official counter (Fence Post and Cuz are still learning how to count while also breathing) made us an even four on this celebration of ALL the Saints.

    After a warmup of the usuals, YHC explained that in honor of All Saints Day, we’d be making our way through the lives of a few key players.

    The most obvious place to begin is Mary, the model for all saints–she was so open to what God was doing in her that she became the Mother of His Son. So, we started with some Mary, beginning with LBC’s x30 to commemorate lil’ baby Jesus and the 30 years he spent growing up with her. Then, 100’s x100 for the well over 100 gallons of water He turned into wine at her request. Then, 33 leg raises since she took her station at the foot of the Cross when he was 33, followed by 15 Heels to Heaven since her heels (and the rest of her) were assumed into Heaven to be with her Son forever.

    Next was the first martyr, St. Stephen. His courage and dependence on God was intense, arguing the whole Sanhedrin into silence and then deadly rage without ever losing his awe and wonder at God and what He’d accomplished. They picked up stones and stoned him to death, so we grabbed coupons and did three sets of: 20 curls (picking up stones) and 15 skull crushers (almost crushed a couple of actual skulls toward the end there).

    The next key player would be St. Paul, who actually led the previously mentioned stoning project before a dramatic conversion, which led him to become the greatest missionary who ever lived. In honor of his traveling to the four corners of the Empire and accumulating more and more disciples with every stop, the routine would be four corners, each adding an additional exercise.
    1. 7 burpees
    2. 7 burpees, 14 merkins
    3. 7 burpees, 14 merkins, 21 squats
    4. 7 burpees, 14 merkins, 21 squats, 28 line jumps (two feet, jumping back and forth over a line in the concrete, 2:1)

    St. Iranaeus was a disciple of St. John the Apostle, and he wrote letters while on the way to the Coliseum to be killed by wild animals in the arena. These letters are still extremely valuable sources of information about the structure of the early Church and the Mass, and in them he expressed his gratitude for the opportunity to be “ground like wheat” by the animals teeth as an offering. Intense. So, not knowing any lion exercises, we did bear crawls to the center of the field, nur back, and again all the way to the sidewalk and nur back.
    This is where Lil’ Cuz revealed his super power–there could be more, but bear crawls has definitely been confirmed.

    Skip about a 1400 years–St. Ignatius of Loyola founded the Jesuits and put together the Spiritual Exercises, one of the central principles being the role of consolation and desolations, spiritual ups and downs that are necessary to the maturation process. So, ups and downs it would be: 15 irkins, 15 L-leg step ups, 15 derkins, 15 R-leg step ups, 15 dips (all IC).

    Skip back about 100 years (because YHC wanted to put this one close to the end) and across some water to England, where the would-be St. Patrick was kidnapped as a youth and brought to Ireland as a slave. He escaped back to England, became a priest and a bishop, and then returned to Ireland to grow and lead the Christian community there. But, with such a strong pagan presence, it wasn’t easy. Irish Jack Ass Webbs seemed appropriate. 1 burpee to 2 donkey kicks against the column up to 5 burpees and 10 donkey kicks.

    Now that the donkey legs were toast, we jumped to the 20th century to finish up with St. Pio (Padre Pio) who was given more spiritual gifts than you can count. One of them was the ability to read souls, to know people’s sins before they confessed them, which was extremely helpful for many going to Confession or on their deathbed. Thankfully, there’s an exercise called “Absolutions”, so we moved to the grass to cushion the elbows. Absolutions is a 7 count exercise = high plank, groiner, down to elbows, plank jack, back to high plank.

    15 Absolutions later, and we had 30 seconds left for 10 Halleluiah Squats in gratitude for the variety of all the awesome saints He’s given us.

    COT and Enron prayed us out. Thanks for making Tuesdays awesome, fellas!

    SYITG,
    Goose