F3 New Orleans

Tag: Goose

  • “But Wait, There’s More!” by America’s Best – from Yankee Joe

    There was once a time, before all of this handheld, on-demand streaming gluten-free wifi entertainment, a time when men were men, and Boyz II Men, and ABC, BBD (East Coast Family). In these grueling times, if one were to lie sleepless at night, the only solace was whatever happened to be on the TV… which was almost always the Infomercial. A late night beacon through the (brain) fog, the Infomercial beckons: “Give me your clumsy, your stupid, your flummoxed masses…”

    Smooth Operator was already on site as YHC pulled up this morning; this dude never fails to impress with his punctuality, commitment, and demeanor after working 12 hours. Also, in spite of being here first, he doesn’t steal anyone else’s parking spot. The brief parking spot controversy this morning was broken by a shadowy figure emerging from the gloom, cloaked both in darkness and a red hoodie. This was the signal- it was time to begin.

    Warmarama:
    SSH
    Windmills
    Arm circles
    Cherry pickers
    Now, as the chatter rose, a confidential informant (we’ll just call him “Elliot”) murmurs an aside to YHC: when the PAX ups the chatter, it’s time to drop the hammer.

    And so began Warmarama++(AKA ”The Jurp Store Called and They’re Running out of You”):
    23 Tempo squats
    18 or so mtn climbers
    20 tempo merkins
    15 mtn climbers
    Then the rest of the Jurp on your own. (Somewhere around this time Hypotenuse appears, and YHC could go off on a tangent about that here… but we all know tangents never reference Hypotenuses.)

    With the first Jurp completed, it was time to mosey.

    The Thang:
    While actually planning a Thang of completely different proportions for this morning, YHC began to notice that certain Jurpaple exercises were actually contained within other more complicated maneuvers.
    And so, much like the hapless characters in the first half of most “how many times has this happened to you” infomercials, we would go about getting our Jurp points the hard way.

    Let me explain. No, there is too much… let me sum up:

    First, the Jurps. The Jurpee is the OG Granddaddy Longlegs of overdoing it. To this point, there was some sort of objection that “you actually get more points from Jurping than by just doing Burpees,” but luckily, YHC had the mental toughness to block that kind of positivity out. And the PAX completed the buy-in.

    21s (Curls): the bottom half of a curl 7 times, the top half of a curl 7 times, then 7 full curls. Lots of extraneous work for 7 curls. There was a bit of debate over whether ½ curl + ½ curl =1 curl. Ultimately, YHC used his executive “boat captain” power to declare only full curls are full curls. And thus, while a total of 56 additive curls were done, only 28 were scored. And there was much groaning (but not as much as there likely was after that hypotenuse joke).

    NUR one lap

    Breakdancer Merkins: “How many times has this happened to you? You’re trying to Merkin, then one arm shoots up in the air, while the opposite leg flails out in front of you?”
    Dox feigned ignorance, then took it to another level, breakdancing with Merkins in-between. YHC is pretty sure there was even a headspin in there. (Which may be why he blacked out during his performance and has no memory of it).

    Dying Cockroaches: Almost a V-up? Maybe half a V-up, and then another half? Also confusing because no two people do this exercise the same way. In fact, YHC (very awkwardly) demonstrated it, then performed it in a totally different fashion. Either way, you get zero points for whatever bastard child of a V-up this is.

    NUR! Another lap

    WWIII Situps: If you don’t hate these yet, you haven’t done enough of them. Please let YHC know.

    Goosies: Like the old saying goes: “If you wanna get some Bonnie Blair, sometimes you gotta cop a Squat for free.”

    —-End black-and-white portion of the infomercial—

    Thang 1.5 —Welcome to Oz— (the Colorized portion of the infomercial)

    Now it is time to do things the “Easy Way.” YHC offered a brief respite to recount a story… years ago, a friend, frustrated at the supermarket, was cursing at some avocados when suddenly she was approached by a strange woman. “Oh deary, calm yourself…. don’t you know about the ‘Easy Way’?”
    This was one of those seemingly innocuous statements that also sounds a lot like an invitation to join a cult. Other examples include “Come, Sit at the Welcome Table,” and “Free Men’s Workout.”

    For the remainder of the Thang, we will do only what is necessary to garner Jurp points (AKA the Easy Way)

    Now Run! Like normal human persons!

    Burpees! (some far-off mumbling again about total Burpee vs Jurpee efficiency, probably)
    Coupon Curls! YHC has to give credit to Enron for inspiring all the curls in this beatdown… he has done them in such large quantities YHC figured they might be a welcome break. YHC was wrong.

    RUN Again!

    Merkins! Regular ones, where you get points for exactly what you are doing.
    V-ups! Same!

    And, I’m sorry we are out of time.

    Animal was bestowed upon Yankee Joe.

    Dox prayed us out.

    Afterword: “High Impact Men” only begins to describe the members of this PAX. Hope you guys are as motivated by YHC as YHC is by you all. Honored to be a part of the PAX, and so thankful for those who said to YHC that fateful day, “Come, Sit at the Welcome Table”

    SYITG,
    AB

  • Gameday Training – from Enron

    It has been quite a while since YHC has been able to make it to a Saturday beatdown and even longer since having the opportunity to Q one. Therefore, YHC rolled up a little early to the Peltch to an empty parking lot scattered with shot-gunned Twisted Tea cans from what looked like a wild Friday night. 9 PAX of men pulled in shortly thereafter waiting for training camp to get started. Flag planted, let’s get this thing rolling.
    Warmarama: SSH, IW, Windmills, Self-Love, AC, Cherry Pickers, High Knees, Butt Kicks
    YHC noticed it was eerily silent during the warmup and didn’t know if it was due to the lack of Dox and Tana’s normal chatter, or the fear that was placed on the PAX from Yankee Jeaux’s description of the last “Game of Games” Q in the GroupMe.
    Thang 1: Strength Training
    To be game day ready, YHC described that there are many different forms of preparation that you must put your mind and body through. We would be working our way through each of them to make sure that the PAX was prepared for the main event at the end of today. This started off with some strength training.
    Who doesn’t like medium-roasted Jeaux in the morning? YHC explained the breakdown of what the exercises in the Jurp were for YJ since he has seemingly forgotten the movements since he wrote them down 3 weeks ago.

    20 Tempo Squats
    10 Groiners
    20 Merkins
    10 Groiners
    20 Jump Squats
    20 LBCs
    20 Leg Raises

    Rinse and Repeat

    Thang 2: Endurance Training

    After a quick debate on the best route to get a mile in, and quickly shutting down Wet Tap’s idea, the PAX began a 1-mile Indian run with the last man dropping off for 3 merkins before running to the front to choose his pace.

    Thang 3: Coordination Training
    Moseyed to the previously unused Bocce ball court for a quick game. Thanks to Goose, Pope, and Duke for allowing the use of their family game night set of Bocce Ball.

    Split into teams 1 and 2
    Rules:
    Thow out the “jack”
    Each member throws their Bocce Ball to attempt to get closest to the jack. If that ball ends up closer, the opposing team does 2 Burpees. Alternated teams until each player had thrown their ball. The team with the closest ball at the end was “rewarded” with 5 Merkins, while the losing team did 10 burpees.

    Team 2 had a commanding lead through the entire game and thought we would easily walk away with a victory. Smooth had other plans. On the last shot, he went with the perfectly placed hail Mary of a throw and knocked the Jack, and his ball, out of the cluster of other balls to take the W. Well played sir.

    Thang 4: Mental Training
    Each team lined up facing one another for a quick round of Rock paper scissors.
    The Rules:
    One game of RPS vs. each of the opposing team members
    Round one loser 1, 2=1 Bonnie Blair
    Round 2 loser 2 Bonnie Blairs
    Round 3 loser 3 and so on until all teammates have played each member of the opposing team.

    Thang 5: The main event, Gameday – Frisburpee
    Ultimate Frisbee but on every turnover the team that turned over the frisbee would drop for 2 burpees while the opposing team would do 1 merkin. In the second half this was changed to 2 Bonnie Blairs with 1 squat. Losing team did 5 Burpees per touchdown in the first half and 5 Bonnie Blairs in the second.

    This is what the PAX has been training all day for, the main event. The teams seemed relatively even though YHC was very pleased to see that both the 2.0s were on his team. 2.0 energy has been known to be a large advantage in any endurance, and running, game. This was quickly proved to be correct. After scoring the opening 6 touchdowns, team 2 was dominating the opposition. Jeaux, learned that he had to “sell out” for the frisbee, and with reckless abandon he was quickly diving all over the pitch. Pope was showing off his impressive ups and long arms for grabbing the frisbee. Duke even looked over to YHC and said “ Enron, I really like this game”. With that kind of lead, what is there not to like.
    Not so fast my friend… Team 1 quickly scored a couple TDs towards the end to even the score out (kind of). Time was called and we moseyed to the flag.

    Announcements and Goose Prayed us out. Animal was rewarded to Smooth for his ever continuing strength and drive.

    This was an awesome start to “gameday” and YHC is truly honored to be a part of this PAX and this group of High impact men. Happy to see Goldilox back in the rotation again as well. Thanks to all for making it out.

    SYITG,

    Enron

  • Glory Hogs – from Goose

    It was Day 2 of finding creative ways to rack up a ton of points in the Jurptober By-You Spreadsheet Challenge, so before it gets old, YHC decided to fill this beatdown with valuable exercises.

    As YHC and Pope parked in a relatively empty parking lot, we wondered if it’d be slim pickins for what YHC hoped would be an exciting challenge. But, AB quickly pulled up, and then Hypotenuse emerged from a truck that has not yet imprinted itself on YHC’s PAX radar. Then, thankfully, six more dudes flowed in, Honeysuckle wearing a new shirt that embodies the spirit of F3–it says “Honeysuckle” below a graphic from what looks to be an album cover from the early 70’s. Upon questioning, he revealed that Honeysuckle was/is in fact a band, but that no further details are known. By anyone.

    YHC was struck by the fact that, besides Smooth and Pope, this group was a totally different group than the one that posted yesterday morning. It’s awesome to see that we’re up to enough guys to have solid numbers despite the fact that people don’t typically post every day. But, it also meant that only the three of us would benefit from multiple days this week of jacked up beatdown points. So be it.

    After a warmup of the usuals, up to the full 20 reps since YHC is getting old, we moseyed to get coupons. Upon returning, the coupons were placed in the middle of the field so as to outline a square, about 10 yards across. After the needed two rounds of Jurps OYO, the square became a professional wrestling ring and the PAX partnered up for a Tag Team Royal Rumble. Here’s the rules:
    While Partner 1 cranked out a given exercise in the ring until he needed a break, Partner 2 ran around the track waiting to be tagged in. Exercises changed every five minutes. Men in the ring weren’t allowed to take breaks or rest–if you needed to stop/take a break, you had to run to your partner and tag him in. The Partner 2 got the chance to earn points while the timer ticked and famous “tag team” musical duos rocked the field via the power of Oontz (he did pretty well sitting up on top of a coupons).

    The exercises were: burpees, V-ups, merkins, Bonnie Blairs, Big Boi Situps, and curls. And, just like in professional wrestling, the glory only goes to the one in the ring, and though the Q clearly stated that there was to be no resting in the ring, there were still some glory hogs who seemed to be bent on intentionally robbing their partners of the opportunity to shine. This may have been because partners weren’t on the same Jurpee teams, or because of Oontz’s ability to drive men’s hearts with clarity and bass. it may have also been the quality of YHC’s Tag Team playlist, which expertly combined songs like “Whoomp, There it Is” by Tag Team, “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel, and “Think About It” by Flight of the Conchords specifically to invoke the greatest possible interior response and enhance the brain’s capacity to log multiple numbers while continuing to count new reps and laps around the track (8 times = a mile). Nothing syncs the neurons like Kriss Kross followed immediately by the Dooby Brothers.

    When the sugar plant whistle blew at 6:00 (that’ll be a nice way to keep time for a few months), every man did his best to repeat his numbers in his foggy mind so they didn’t float away with the cool breeze. Circled up, counted off, Animal went to Cardinal (where it will likely hibernate for the winter), and Honeysuckle prayed us out.
    After prayer, a number of the PAX ran a few more laps to get finish out the second mile, and then we trickled out of the parking lot. Awesome work this morning, fellas! Y’all make it worth the effort!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • The Great British Beatdown – from Paradox

    “Everyone has a plan, till you get punched in the face by the iron fist of a 3 week old” YHC thought as he sent the mayday text to Goose at 5:10a “start the warm up then Jurp them boys and jurp them good!”
    Apparently newborn vomitus waits for no man and after some mischief was managed I put the Dox mobile into a hi 5th, ya hate to be late to a bake-off !!

    When the great creator of the Jurp (some circles only whisper his name as “the architect”) unveiled the Jurpee extra curriculars YHC thought they looked like a recipe’s ingredient list. I knew that could be used, but it sat in the “save for beatdown file” waiting for a spark. Stephen King says the creation of any good story starts with a cup (the content) and you just need to add a handle (the conflict/action) to carry it. When YHCs M reminded me of a fresh season of the Great British Baking Show I had just the Handle I needed. Ya see unlike more productive pandemic hobbies (Cardinal’s coffee roasting and Jeaux’s Peleton) YHC picked up this ultra addictive baking show. It had all the fine qualities YHC loves in a tV show. No plot, no characters to remember. Comedians hired to stir the pot. PLUS you can fall asleep in season 2 , wake up in season 7 and they are baking the same bread with the same quippy satire. No spoilers, no recap. Just pastry’s and focaccia and zero stress.
    Bliss

    In review : Cup plus handle plus prime time gloom= a bake off themed beatdown

    Duke! Get the bean footage!
    On your mark , get set , bake!

    Warmup –
    Completed by Goose as YHC performed burp cloth windmills and imperial wet diapers.

    The Signature Bake

    Dish : 2 pots of oven baked JurpeeLaya- Just add pax
    Serve fresh with a late Q.

    YHC rolled in hot after an agonizingly long ride behind a cane truck and picked up about 1.25 jurps in. This segwayed nicely into the explanation of the Jurpee as a classic signature bake. It’s familiar, repeatable, and you can present it with confidence even if Paul Hollywood says your jump sqats look stodgy and your leg raises are still raw in the center.

    The Technical Bake:

    Dish : The Paul HollyWebb

    Usually difficult with very little instructions involving complex ingredient ratios.
    Our bakers had to attempt a Paul Holliwebb bake that included a 1 mile run and some mixed Jack Webbs
    First at the port a jon for Bonnie Blair’s and Merkins.
    Increases by 1 and 2 till we finished with 6 Bonnie’s and 12 merkins
    (Total : 16 Bonnie’s , 30 merkins)

    There were zero complaints about the OctoberBest Merkin fest on Saturday
    German engineering at its best.

    Round 2
    V/ups / BBSU
    1 BBSU/2 BBSU till we got till 6 BBSU and 12
    (Total : 24 v ups ish
    (Memory is hazy here so please modify your numbers if that’s the truth in your heart)

    **at the time of this writing leg raises outside of a jurp will be put on trial by the Rienzi Inquisition.
    Goodness gracious , this ISI has more asterisks than the McGuire/Sosa homerun race ***

    Took it to Coupon Alley with a 3 burpee Indian Run on the way

    The ShowStopper

    The last bake of the show
    This one is everything you got
    All out , hammer down, no brakes.
    Which logically lead us to …

    The Diddle Death March ManMaker Mile brought to you by Betty Crocker

    Inspired by Diddles personal touch to close out a bd with nothing left but a puddle of pax.

    10 Manmakers
    Run to stage
    1 Burpees
    In Elevens format we decreases the manmakers and increased the burpees till time or death do us part.
    The plan was to make enough rounds to generate a mile but the pax were saved by the bell.
    In the great white tent of the British bake contestants are always up against the clock and todays bake was no different.
    Goose and Pope went pretty deep into the man makers and got Dox Hollywood handshakes.

    Smooth gets Star Baker for gutting out a heavy run Q and I think we hit 2.5 “Okays”

    Announcements
    Invigor8 Grant FB live event tomm 7pm

    Link will be on groupme

    COT and Popeye prayed us out

    Bulletin Board Material:
    Jurptown USA has formally changed its name to SmugVille City led by Mayor Goose.
    They sit on a mountain of points and dare a challenger to come and take the trophy.
    Do not let them go gently into the night !

    Here’s a Dox of Chocolates :

    Have you ever seen someone and just for a split second it wasnt how you usually see them. I know you are thinking “dox put the shrooms down “ but hear me out. Like in a crowded airport when you unexpectedly see a family member or as you pass a loved one in traffic. Sometimes just for a microsecond your brain sees them as any other stranger would. Then almost instantaneously your brain catches up and the recognition kicks in. And in that microsecond window of time you go from “complete unknown variable” to filling in all the experiences you have had with the subject in question. Then you have special moment of grace realizing the connection.
    Well this morning while rocketing down 308 behind the aforementioned cane truck I was too absorbed to realize I was already parallel with the stage. The opposite lane was full of another 2 cane trucks (Tis the season) and then suddenly cleared. There in the gloom were 7 men suspended in perfect jurp squat unison. Pushing past their own pain to help sharpen the one next to them. I’d never seen it like that , from the outside. It was glorious. For just that blink of time I didn’t know what it was. Then I smiled, pulled in and jumped into the fray, filled with gratitude for these high impact fellows.

    A privilege to lead men

    SYITG
    Dox

  • Prost! An Oktoberfest Origin Story – from Yankee Joe

    The year is 1976. A piercing cry breaks through the pre-dawn gloom of the small hamlet in West Germany.

    “Nein, Frau Best, it’s ok… he’s supposed to look like that…”

    After several hours of counseling and education that you cannot “trade in” a baby, the young mother finally concedes. She brings the youngling home, hoping to place him in a side show or perhaps a “world’s hairiest baby” contest.

    A few months pass, and (as per German tradition) the infant is abandoned in the Black Forest with only a six-pack of Bitburger Pils.
    The memories of that youngling’s first year of life in that forest, memories only of beer, bears, and pain, fueled this morning’s beatdown. . .

    SSH
    Windmills
    Imperial Walkers
    Toy soldiers
    Arm circles
    Cherry pickers
    Butt kicks
    High knees
    Self love

    Mosey to the truck to pick up “Brew-pons”.

    Thang 1:
    German Volumetric Training (or YHC’s bastardization if it)
    10 exercises, 10 reps each. All Merkins, all the time
    In some particular order:
    Fingertip Merkins
    Diamond Merkins
    Crucible Merkins
    Sphinx Merkins (2=1)
    Man maker Merkins (2=1)
    Knurkins
    Creature Merkins (2=1)
    Superman Merkins
    Derkins
    Merkins

    (Aside: a German Merkin is a Gherkin, which is a small pickle. Nobody wants that.)

    Goose absolutely killed this, figuring out where the Merkin stations were as well as physically destroying the reps.
    YHC forgot where station 2 was, and self penalized himself with an extra set of Diamond merkins.
    And there was much grunting.

    Thang 1.5:
    Bear Crawl to Berlin. And back.
    Smooth Operator displayed superhuman ability here. Defying physics, he somehow bear-crawled downhill while on level ground.

    Thang 2:
    Make it Stop: Oktoberfest

    We began with WWIII sit-ups while German-language or German-centric songs play. Anyone who can identify the song, Artist, album, or year released, gets to change the exercise.
    Goose showed unprecedented music prowess by nailing both “Major Tom” and “Rock Me Amadeus” correctly (in spite of YHC erroneously thinking it was simply called “Amadeus”).
    Honeysuckle, the usual ringer for music knowledge, displayed his patriotism here by refusing to identity any of die Musik.
    Also, apparently every popular German language song was released in 1983. And who knew Lou Bega was from Munich?

    (Paradiddle’s contribution during this phase of the beatdown, while significant, consisted solely of gas and giggles.)

    Final Thang: Stein hold

    Brewpons are held out at chest level, Bruce Lee-style, emulating the traditional Oktoberfest Steinholding competition.
    ‘Lil Cuz won, reinforcing his steadfast love for his brewpon.

    GG to Paradiddle for reasons obvious to all.

    Brewpons to go.

    Cardinal prayed us out.

    Epilogue:

    The youngling, nourished on hops and barley, and fortified by merkins, emerges from the depths of the forest.
    Bear-crawling a few meters further, it rises up on its now-ample haunches, howling, “Ich bin Deuchlands Besten!”

  • Hangin Tough by Honeysuckle – from Yankee Joe

    A smooth operator once told YHC that your VQ is no big deal – just get it done. YHC thinks this would be true, any year other than 2023 and any F3 other than Thibodaux. We so often get to hear Yankee Kiper, Jr wax poetic about the draft class. And the VQs from that class have the bar set pretty high. So after one false start a few weeks ago, it was finally time to get it done.

    Paradiddle arrived very early, and Enron wasn’t far behind. So we got in at least one Jurpee prior to anything happening. Diddle probably got several in as he Jurped right into Warmarama.

    Warmarama: side straddle hops, imperial walkers, toy soldiers, arm circles one direction then the other direction, cherry pickers, self love, willie mays hayes, maybe not in that order. Or maybe in that order.

    Pre-Thang

    1 Jurpee OYO. This was to provide the PAX a parting gift in case the VQ bombed.

    A little background on one thang of the first thang

    Enron’s Outlive-inspired Q continues to inspire, so ever since YHC had to type in YHC’s name into the spreadsheet for the VQ rather than use a dropdown box, the one seed around which the workout would be built was: grip. Backing up a little, YHC has been so focused on running that the numerous other aspects of fitness were not being maintained. That is where F3 found YHC, and while YHC is unable to complete a warmarama alone due to boredom, when it is done with the group, YHC finds it enjoyable. Now the focus is shifting to “training for life” -the things we need to be able to do to enjoy life, hopefully for a long time. While running helps with Zone 2 and V02 max, we also need functional strength, of which grip is one main component. Opening jars, grabbing onto something to avoid a fall, etc. One way to help with grip, among other things, is by simply hanging from a bar.

    So once “Hang Tough” became the core, it was like watching a slow moving train wreck as the overall theme fell into place. It was unfortunately inevitable what this VQ would become.

    First thang

    That overall theme was Boy Bands. From the 80’s, 90’s, and Today. The first thang would be done in pairs and have multiple stations, with a rotation every minute. Today, the EMOM also stood for Every Menudo on the Menudo. PAX would go around the circuit in One Direction and stay in Sync with their partner. While the temperature was not 98 Degrees anymore, it was still warm enough outside so that we’d all get a good sweat in.

    Stations:
    –Side shuffle the length of the pickleball court fence, Bobby Hurley when you change direction
    –Bonnie Blairs
    –Merkins on the block – Really a decline merkin (Derkin) with feet on the playground border (maybe 1 ft elevation). Not sure if anyone had new Keds today but that would have been cool.
    –Apollo Onos
    –Hang Tough – Hang for the minute on the monkey bars
    –Moroccan Nightclubs

    There was probably a general expectation that today would have lots of running, but YHC instead wanted to encourage endurance for these exercises. Hang Tough certainly required mental and physical endurance (and in today’s case aural endurance, especially for those whose ears were still in their Musical Youth). But as each exercise was for a time duration rather than a rep count, YHC wanted the PAX to find a pace for all exercises, the Bonnie Blairs and Merkins in particular, so that they could be done for the entire minute.

    While boy band music played, the EMOM transitions were marked by the current song pausing and the appearance of NKOTB singing “Step By Step, Oooooh Baby”. While this was heard way too many times this morning, I like to think it had a positive connotation in that it meant the current minute was over. YMMV. But between the exercises and the music, these were likely the longest minutes of the PAXs’ collective lives.

    Songs: Hangin Tough (New Kids on the Block), Larger than Life (Backstreet Boys), Bye Bye Bye (*NSYNC), Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche) (98 degrees), Boy With Luv (BTS). If anyone needs me to sign something to get your Spanish CEUs for the 98 degrees song, just let me know. I’m not certified to give out Korean CEUs yet.

    The PAX, through much physical, mental, and lyrical anguish, completed all 18 minutes of the EMOM, which meant three visits to every station. Goose brought the fire. Pope brought the desire. Valve brought the belief. Hypotenuse said it was nothing. AB didn’t have heartache. Enron said it wasn’t a mistake. Dilly never made me tell him why. And Diddle wanted it that way.

    And they still wanted more.

    So we moved to the running part, which was simply 1.5 laps around the Civic Center. I was All for One, but since we were at the playground there was no way getting around getting the extra half in. YHC still has some kinks to work out with the speaker+phone combo, as the EMOM music started up a couple times during the run giving the PAX PTSD. Also during the run, Diddle wowed the crowd by removing the Animal to reveal the GiGi. Now that is some stage presence and YHC knows a solo career is coming which will ultimately break up the band, until the reunion tour 20 years later.

    Now, back at the Lion, at the Boyz 2 Men station. YHC noted that Boy Bands have made and continue to make many contributions to the world. One of the major contributions is their step by step instructions to achieve a goal. So, we were going to write a boy band song in the remaining few minutes.

    The first question is, how do you turn Boyz to Men? Manmakers, of course. YHC produced two coupons out of the gloom. Going back to our five “pairs” from earlier, one pair at a time does 8 manmakers while the rest of the PAX does some exercise. After the pair doing manmakers finishes, they call the next pair up and then name the next exercise for the PAX as our next step.

    The way it started was: YHC called pair 1 up for manmakers, and announced Step 1 was flutter kicks for everyone else. In the end, the steps were:

    Step 1: Flutter Kicks
    Step 2: V ups
    Step 3: Freddy Mercurys
    Step 4: LBCs
    Step 5: Dying Cockroach
    Step 6: Recover. And that’s the way you do it!

    Animal went to Hypotenuse, due to his consistent posting and hard work. And given two perpendicular lines, he can make it right, and that makes him larger than life.

    Gigi went to America’s Best for having the right stuff when it comes to memes in the group chat.

    Much appreciation for the VQ support today, fellas!!

    SYITG
    Honeysuckle

  • Boot Scootin’ Goosies – from Paradox

    Theres one singular event that universally strikes fear in the hearts of men. A rite of passage complete with every potential fear being confronted. A desolate wasteland where fortune favors the bold and one misstep can leave you cemented into a hall of shame . You’ve all passed through it and been forged by the fires of ..the middle school dance.

    But there IS one tool at your disposal . One shining sword for the gangly awkward youth entangled in this hormonal warfare. You’ve all seen this familiar setup. It’s the 7th grade dance and opposite genders have receded to their corners in the dance floor. The air is heavy with axe body spray. If you were like YHC , you hoped the Hollister shirt and puca shell necklace were enough distraction to overcome a genetic lack of rhythm. The dj eyes the empty dance floor ,madly spinning tracks to light the fire and then he finds it …

    …The participation song!

    Cupid shuffle ..
    The locomotion ..
    Electric slide ..
    They all accomplish the same goal.

    Like a flame thrower to dry kindling one kid joins, then another and as long as you are following the instructions loosely there’s a certain freedom from severe judgement that allows the dancing to begin.

    These songs have saved countless male youths from the embarrassment of freestyle dancing and during my recent midnight baby burping sessions I uncovered this lucrative treasure trove of F3 enterpainment.

    So with the fresh Jurpee routine in mind and a few songs in my heart YHC made a stage comeback with 10 other high impact men. A crisp bayou fall met them in the gloom and the stage was set.
    Today we salute the participation song.

    Duke ! Dukeeee!!!!
    Hold these diapers and Roll the bean footage !

    Warmup
    Standard issue with Tana literally side straddle hopping across the circle. His verbal insubordination overflowing into interpretive dance as if he could preemptively feel todays theme. You can only hope to contain him at this point.

    Warmup Thang

    Jurpee Mile-ish

    Saddled up for the well warn path of the rich man loop mile with stops for a segmented jurpee. We helped some pax in the senior divisions remember where all the stops were and YHC dialed up all the classics with JBL cranked to the level of “HoA concerns”. The air was cool and mannnn I’ve missed you guys.

    (Tana keeping a Kenyan marathon pace, ya love to see it. The legendary transformation continues )

    We did :
    1- tempo sqats/20 groiners
    2- 20 merkins/20 groiners
    3- 20 jump sqats
    4- 20 LBC/leg raise

    Then grabbed come coupons for the :

    Main Thang a Lang

    4 songs to represent the transcendent nature of the participation songs across genres, live events, generations and continents.

    1. ) Boot scootin boogie
    2 Apollo ono plus 2 goosie on “ Boot scoot”
    Coupon “2 step” on duration of song.
    From now until eternity we will call them Boot Scootin Goosies and I can’t decide if that sounds more like a firework from Joe Dirt or a station for next years SV500.

    Trivia : what are the first names of brooks and Dunn?
    The pax had this one down cold even with YHCs brain glitches trying to find the word artist. Also from Shreveport just like Ronnie Lillich !

    Track refresh mosey

    2. Time for da hip hop- Tootsie Roll
    (Was really hoping for a Popeye post here. Have a feeling he’s done 9000 tootsie rolls )

    We did :
    Donkey kick on T roll
    Right Peter Parker
    Left Parker
    Slide – side reach
    Whoop plank Jack
    Trivia – Artist? : 69 boys (great jurpee team name )
    I had a feeling this would be right in America’s Bests wheelhouse. with some prompting he took a minute off the pain. Goose showed signs of the move itself and YHC fought the temptation to let him tootsie roll for 5 minutes while we did kraken burpees.

    3. Da community -YMCA

    Y styled windmills on song
    4 merkins on YMCA
    Jump squat on “young man”

    Fun fact: The original YMCA arm motions appeared on this popular musical show in 1979. (American bandstand)

    4. International- Gangnam style
    Coupon side shuffle
    Thruster on Gangnam style

    YHC introduced this one and had the desired response of crickets, wind, and Goose asking Enron if it was 6am yet. I’ve sorely missed that unique smell of fear and adrenaline.

    YJ correctly named psy as the artist then insisted someone be appointed as the oogler so we would be music video accurate. Unfortunately by this point all the pax had gone to the dark place that thrusters create after a month of IPC and his request faded into old man grumbles about deleted cells.

    So now you have the dance party fully rolling the only thing you have left to focus on is learning your partners rhythm and footwork.

    So we partnered up (1 thruple)
    For a Double Indian run with 3 partner hi 5 burpees to corner on Richmans loop till everyone had one round.
    Honeysuckle did honeysuckle things and set a sub7 pace while we watched in awe. I can’t tell if it’s sleep deprivation but I swear his legs blur like road runner in the ole Wiley Coyote bits.

    We finished with a thrilling rendition of Rah Rah JaBurpee. Tennis ball can only be advanced with feet. One burpee after kicking. Beautiful chaos ensued and we lost two good soldier tennis balls in the field. No clear winner from YHCs point of view but I saw Ronnie diving under a truck after a ball near the finish line so I’ll give an A for effort.
    Jeaux continued to run headlong into the distance. Said he just needed to think about a grown man not being able to work Google sheets.
    Folks in the Oaks say he’s still running…

    Count them up
    Name them off

    Announcements:

    T- claps to Hypotenuse for multiple posts and suffering through my lack of hand eye coordination.

    Honeysuckle VQ!!!
    Thursday at the Den
    Get your running shoes ladies!

    Invigor8 Grant next Tues 10/10 at 7pm (link below)
    Possible $10k is up for grabs to the St Vincent pharmacy.

    https://facebook.com/events/s/invigor8-live/1909647176102809/

    COT and YJ prayed us out

    Men I’ve been overwhelmed by the support y’all have shown my family during our new baby days. The baby/work/school/home routines are in a tornado of a transitions right now and we are just hanging in. Great to have y’all linking shields in support and prayer.

    Epilogue

    One jurpee
    Two jurpee
    Red jurpee
    Blue jurpee

    You can do it on a rope
    You can do it with a Pope
    You can try it with a Goose
    Or measure your hypotenuse
    Tana jurps on his strain quest
    Honeysuckles uses it as rest
    AB is jurping till hes fifty
    Ronnie’s jurping till his knees are shifty
    Bud light jurping, call it Dilly Dilly
    Poor jurp form, that’s really silly
    Jurptober is all about the basics
    Valvelines jurping till he needs lasix
    At a jurp party you’re never late
    Jeauxs been jurpin since 78!

    Jurp low jurp high
    Jurp loud jurp shy

    Jurp your best jurp along with another
    As iron sharpens iron, one sharpens his brother

    SYITG
    ParaDr Seuss

  • The Last One’s a Doozy – from Goose

    Though many of the PAX followed Cardinal’s lead in giving the last IPC Saturday a thumbs down, 8 brave PAX braved the coupon ridiculousness in full view of the lady race at The Peltch on Saturday.
    Per usual, the smaller-than-usual number of men gathered around the flag only mattered until things got going, then we became a small, concentrated force of determination and shared suffering. There could have been two or twenty men–once the thrusters started to hit, the exterior world melted away.
    We started with high numbers of the usual warmups to work off the soreness YJ had built up into our collective muscles, The FNG to be named String Cheese (Incident) sauntered over from the parking area by the building and settled right in as if he’d been doing F3 for years.
    We then moseyed over to the truck to grab coupons, cones, signs, etc. and hauled them down to the field amidst the growing number of women setting up for the race. America’s Best corrected YHC after a comment about the “women’s race” saying that he planned to run in it and beat everyone in his age bracket, so obviously, it wasn’t a women’s race, despite the pink and purple decorations, the title of the group (“Femmes Natales”), and the big inflatable finish line that said “Great Job, Ladies!” But, hey, this is 2023, so go get ’em, AB! (Seriously, though, to run a race after that IPC is unreal. YHC just ran from the truck to the flag area once we were done and the legs staged a formal protest.)
    Once everything was setup on the field, YHC gave an explanation with explanations for the FNG, and the PAX was ready to rock with way fewer questions than expected. Writing the routine on the board the night before proved to be quite a task, but the PAX didn’t really seem to need it.

    The Thang:
    Throughout–5 minute timer (E5MOM), and every time it went off, execute 3 Kraken Burpees (Burpee with 3 hand-release merkins at the bottom). This was a morale sucker–it felt like it was going off every two minutes, and it broke up any momentum. Definitely a mental-toughness test.

    Round 1:
    -Murder Bunny to first cone (10 yards out), 10 thrusters, bear crawl back to start, 5 perfect merkins (also called “no-cheat”: hand-release merkin with shoulder taps at the top).
    -Run to the coupon, murder Bunny to second cone (20 yards out), 15 thrusters, bear crawl back to start, 5 perfect merkins
    -Run to the coupon, murder Bunny to third cone (30 yards out), 20 thrusters, bear crawl back to start, 5 perfect merkins
    –Run to the coupon, Redrum Bunny to second cone (20 yards out), 15 thrusters, bear crawl back to start, 5 perfect merkins
    -Run to the coupon, Redrum Bunny to first cone (10 yards out), 10 thrusters, bear crawl back to start, 5 perfect merkins

    Round 2:
    Same as Round 1, but with WW3 situps instead of thrusters (Big boy situps with coupon, bench press up and down while lying down, then situp and overhead press once at the top. That’s 1 rep)

    Round 3:
    Same as Round 2, but with man-makers (blockees–burpees with coupon) instead of WW3 situps.

    BAPS kept cranking the tunes, the lady race set-up team kept staring, the timer kept going off, and these fellas just kept stacking on the reps, one at a time. Nobody stopped or complained, not even Duke or the FNG. Every time I looked over, String Cheese was bunnying or bear crawling, and Duke actually kept moving, too, unlike his typical Saturday routine of cycling from PAX to PAX asking for the time. The rest of the crew finished this year’s greuling IPC month with true perseverance in the face of what seemed to be impossible routines, and like last year, I think this month brought about some major growth, a real level-up for a number of these guys.
    AB quickly went from being one of the new guys to being a regular, beastly contender at the front of the pack. Popeye revealed that he’s got an incredibly massive reserve tank of mental toughness. Despite Safety Valve’s hatred for coupons, he refuses to miss an opportunity to push hard with good men, he never stops, and he’s clearly taken deep ownership of what F3 is all about. Yankee Joe is a glutton for punishment–nobody sees the benefits of shared pain like him. Pope has long said goodbye to composite coupons, and he’s giving YHC a run for his money, every single beatdown. Wet Tap eats coupons for breakfast, and challenge draws him like a moth to a flame–IPC is where he consistently shines.

    It was hard to be without other IPC studs like Diddle, Enron, and Dox, but we’ve got plenty to feed the need this month as IPC finishes, but Jurpee-tober begins. Time to do groiners in your den in front of your wife and kids for no good reason!

    COT down at the field, Animal shirt went to Popeye for making it look like a pleasant walk in the park, the FNG was named by AB, who revealed that his brain actually works better after a tough beatdown, and then AB also prayed us out.
    Incredible job, fellas! Thanks for pushing me through another crazy IPC month!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Age Isn’t Just A Number (In F3, It’s Just The Next Thang) – from Yankee Joe

    Twelve phenomenal men posted this morning at The Lion’s Den. The word “phenomenal” is being used here for its literal meaning. Twelve men, voluntarily, in the face of poorly designed insanity, threw themselve into an experience that promised to leave them frustrated, breathless, nauseated, and perhaps needing a clean pair of draws’. With ages spanning from 15 (hate, hate) to 47 (respect), these beasts choose to do this four times per week. Wouldn’t you describe the scene as a phenomenon?

    YHC turned 45 the day before. St. Vincent, pray for us. Less about commemorating the occasion (YHC doesn’t actually care…he’s forgotten his own birthday not once, but multiple times ), this morning’s beatdown was more a result of YHC’s creative beatdown juices being dried up. 45 seemed like a solid number to manufacture some good ‘ol fashion stupidity in Hurtsville, USA. Of course, since we all know 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything, it was tempting to hitchhike my way through the Exicon. However, that would have required some effort.

    So, twelve men showed up to The Den. Well, eleven at first. Diddle, living out his own self-fulfilling prophecy, rolled in a minute late as he predicted. As alluded to above, today’s version of the beatdown was not particularly well designed. It’s got potential, and maybe one day can serve as a one-off F3 Thibodaux IPC. 45 exercises over a 35-minute period is crazy enough. Including Man Makers and Redrum Bunnies in the mix made it nearly impossible. No problem…impossible is a concept that only misguided pickleballers have to grapple with.

    The format was made up of nine rounds, five exercises per each round, and 25 reps per exercise where applicable. In all, if one were to complete the circuit, he would pull off 800 total reps, 180 yards (45-yd increments) of MOT work (i.e. murder bunnies, bear crawl, etc.), and nine 90-yard sprints (.45 mile). Beatdown instructions were printed out for each man, complete with sheet protectors. How can anyone not be hot for teacher?The breakdown is included at the end of the blast.

    As we started, YHC forgot to mention the rep count, along with a few other details. However, that ‘phenomenon’ kicked into gear, and the men…well…just started doing the stuff. Even in the Gloom, YHC could see Popeye’s eyes narrow and his brows furrow. He seemed driven by an inhuman stamina and perseverance that can only be achieved by UT football fans post Vince Young…circa 2005…yikes! Of course, it’s not crazy to think the drought could end this year.

    All the men lined up across The Den sidewalk. Honeysuckle, continues to confound others with his unfazed, calmly content face prior to a beatdown. It’s like he’s thinking… “awww…this is a nice little workout.” When you’ve run 50+ miles in a day, I suppose these get togethers do look quaint. YHC was also grateful to be next to America’s Best, who in turn, had to explain that a ‘no-cheat merkin included shoulder taps AND a hand release. This made the shoulder tap merkins in the subsequent round take on a whole new level of suck. For YHC, this may have been the beginning of the end. YHC’s shoulders were toast after Round 3, never to recover.

    At the start of the beatdown, someone yelled, “Where’s the music?” YHC didn’t have a better answer than, “I want you to be alone in your suffering.” First of all, who says something like that? Second, why the hell didn’t I set up music? Regardless, Smooth Operator responded with his famous, “Okayyy,” which by now has become about the most positive and authentic endorsement a Q can hope for. Wet Tap, as expected was drooling on the beatdown instructions thinking about all of the coupon work. That’s why sheet protectors were used, by the way.

    As the shenanigans began, Goose, Enron, and Diddle were off to the races. Diddle was unfairly propelled by his apparent IBS, but stayed consistent throughout. As Goose started to edge ahead of the rest of us, YHC realized Pope was edging ahead and STAYING ahead of his Goosely father. I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure Pope, at 15 years of age, was throwing up thrusters and man makers with an official, grown man cindy. Can you imagine a Pope with 30 years of F3 under his belt? Drago won’t be worthy of holding his jockstrap (Do people wear jockstraps any more?).

    Later on, Enron audibly exclaimed, “Noooooooo” during Round 4 upon realizing the 19th exercise (yes, the 19th) was a 25-count of Thrusters. Since YHC has quite literally never heard Enron complain, I knew significant design flaws were present. Safety Valve, demonstrating his new found love for pain, reminded me of a guy named Paradox. Never say die. No gaps. Hypotenuse, by now, appears to have accepted the insanity of this cul…I mean free men’s workout club. I’m predicting a VQ by late October.

    In the end, YHC barely made it into Round 6, though if you consider quality of form, he never made it out of Round 2. Most of the PAX reached Round 5 or beyond. Pope and Goose both made it to Stagger Merkins in Round 7. It was hotly contested, who ultimately won between father and son, but the rest of the PAX knows the truth: Drago’s menu had just been expanded to include Charbroiled Goose.

    COT and Pope prayed us out. We continue lifting prayers up to Smooth and his family as well as chapter of life transitions.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux

    ——————————————–

    Why The Phenomenon Matters

    As a kid, I thought my Dad was invincible. A mult-tour combat veteran, he was trim and seemed to have superhuman strength. The fact that he smoked three packs of Marlboro Reds per day only seemed to make him more of a specimen. When I was 12 years old, in an attempt to be more involved, he got certified as a baseball umpire and soccer referee. For the latter, it required getting into some form of shape. I remember how hard it was for him just to run up and down the sideline during a game. He did it nevertheless and got into pretty decent shape. After that soccer season, he promptly retired from his refereeing days, never to approach any form of exercise again. The thing is, all the Dads in the neighborhood were like that. Most smoked and NONE of them “worked out” outside of a random jog occasionally.

    I remember clearly thinking that “once you got to be a Dad, being in shape was off the table.” That year, my dad was 42.
    ———————————————-

    During my late twenties, I used to jog and lift weights quasi regularly…just enough to maintain some respectable level of athleticism. Then I watched 300 and P90X started trending. I ran alone, lifted alone, and P90Xed alone. Like most of the bros in my circle, I’d get into working out hard core for six months, get into awesome shape, then hardcore fall off the wagon.

    I remember clearly thinking I’ve got a few more years of this and then I’ll be too old to be in really good shape. I was 28.
    ———————————————

    In 2019, I moved our family from New Orleans to Thibodaux. I weighed 230 lbs. I hadn’t seriously worked out in years. I set resolutions almost every first of the month. Each New Year’s Day, I was like, “This is the year.” When the pandemic hit, we bought a Peloton. I rode the pedals off that shiz for a year. I lost 25 lbs. When we evacuated for Ida, I missed a day, then missed a week, then a month, then almost two years. I weighed 230 lbs once again.

    I remember clearly thinking, I’ve finally reached that place where my Dad was. This is it. I was 42.
    ——————————————-

    In March of 2022, a dude named Micah reached out. Texted something like, “Hey Man. Heard you might be interested in F3. We meet this Saturday at 6:30 at Peltier Park. Would love to have you.” I knew he was a financial advisor. He was probably one of those guys who thinks he’s “the smartest guy in the room” and wants to live in Houston. I showed up anyway. I’ve lost 30 lbs. I’m, quite literally, in the best shape of my life…physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    When he’s 12 years old, my son is going to remember clearly thinking “once you get to be a Dad, you get to be Superman.” That year, I’ll be 52.

  • Free Solo by America’s Best – from Yankee Joe

    YHC needed an idea. A really, really good idea. This PAX has set the bar high with their beatdowns.
    This thang needs to be interesting without being too confusing. And not too easy, but not impossible (although experience tells YHC to err on the side of impossible).
    Having not led any kind of workout in decades, YHC tried to harken back to his younger years. What was it we used to say? YHC searched the catacombs of his antiquated mind… phrases came flooding back. Things like, “Lift with your back, not with your legs!” “Pivot!” and “Avoid the Noid!”
    YHC quickly realized he should try and fill the space with music rather than any of his own chatter. And the idea for “Free Solo” was born.

    Warmarama:
    SSH
    Imperial Walkers
    Windmills
    Arm circles
    Cherry Pickers
    Self Love
    Mountain Man Poopers (added for the theme, maybe never done by most; of course, Goose made it look like he does them daily)

    The Thang: “Free Solo”

    Free Solo climbing is rockclimbing alone using no climbing gear: no rope or harness, no carabiners, no pins. “No rope, no rack.” For the purposes of this beatdown, our “gear” is our coupon.

    Get Free by naming the Solo. YHC curated a song list, with each song chosen specifically for one PAX member. As we performed an exercise, it was the PAX’s responsibility to figure out what song the solo is from, as well as who the song was chosen for. 3 outcomes are possible:
    1. You ID the solo curated for you, and the PAX is entirely FREE to “climb” the 15-20 yards without their gear (coupon). Bear Crawl up, lunge walk back, everyone without the coupons.
    2. Someone else ID’s your solo for you, and only they free solo; everyone else hauls their coupon (bear block crawl up, lunge walk back).
    3. No one ID’s the solo, and everyone takes their “ropes and rack” (Coupon)—Murder bunny up, rifle carry back. When you get back, continue the exercise until everyone is back AND someone can ID the song, artist, and who it is for as the entire song plays.

    Solo 1 – as we began with (what else) Mountain climbers, we heard the solo from Dire Strait’s Money for Nothing. Unfortunately, Enron may have been able to ID his solo, but not yet understanding the rules, Yankee Joe called it early, and (accidentally) saved only himself from the coupon.
    Solo 2 – Merkins while we heard the smooth sounds of Sade… unfortunately Smooth Operator was unable to ID Smooth Operator (come on! Know thyself, Grasshopper!). But someone did (Enron and/or Goose), and the rest of us hauled our gear up the mountain again.
    Solo 3 – I felt fairly certain nobody would guess this solo. Honeysuckle, however, displayed his serious music chops and ID’d “Hungersite” by Goose pretty quickly. HS likely would have nailed a few more but was hindered by his position far from the TurtBox
    Solo 4- Yankee Joe did stellar job acting like he didn’t recognize the song that I’m fairly certain in he listens to on repeat in his car before every class. In fact, nobody recognized the solo from Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” and we all murder bunnied as deserving punishment.
    Solo 5- Pope finally saved us all, identifying his solo from “Baba O’Reilly.” Goose responded in classic Dad fashion, missing his son’s victory. Everyone finally got to “free climb.”
    Solo 6 – At this point, YHC’s mind was focused more on survival than memory, but I don’t think anyone ID’d Tom Petty’s “Learning to Fly” during the solo. Safety Valve may have had similar mental focus, as he almost didn’t realize it was for him.
    Solo 7 – Other than YCH, Nobody knows this song. Probably nobody knows this band. “Honeysuckle Blue” by Drivin’ and Cryin’ had us all murder bunnying again, and doing V-ups until we all hated the song even more.
    Solo 8- YHC was stoked to see Hypotenuse show up, and add his song to the playlist. Nobody ID’d it during the solo, but as we rifled-carried back, Goose called it to save us from more Burpees. “Triangle Man hates “Particle Man’” and he hates more burpees.
    Solo 9- Seems like Michelin should have gotten partial credit for this. I mean, the guitar solo in “Beat It” is almost identical to the solo in “Eat It.” But partial credit is for snowflakes in liberal arts schools, so we continued to beat ourselves down.

    Free Solo OT – The Summit
    With everyone’s solo accounted for, and with 5 minutes left, we went into the lightning round.
    Wolverines until someone can identify the (mountain themed) song OR artist, and then they can change the exercise

    Song 1 – Mountain Sound by Of Monsters and Men. Yankee Joe displayed his scholarly acumen by naming a Steinbeck novel instead of the Icelandic indie band, but he finally corrected himself and we switched to LBCs.
    Song 2- “Mountain in the Way?” “Mountain’s are so gay?” “Mountain here Today?” There was just no deciphering the lyric “Mountain at my Gates” by Foals.
    Song 3- Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains). YHC’s fatigue at this point is physical but also due to psychological grief at the lack of music knowledge this morning. Goose almost had it, but the PAX chatter over the lyrics stymied him.
    More Chatter = More Chilcuts.

    Time was up. As we trudged back to the flag, the only sounds were the far cry of that rooster, and Smooth Operator’s declaration, “Your music sucks!”
    Good! Use your aggressive feelings, Smooth. Let the hate flow through you!

    Other than that, Free Solo had nothing to do with Return of the Jedi.

    Goose prayed us out.