YHC was admittedly excited about the idea for this beatdown. It came much earlier than the usual 10pm the night before, and YHC even hyped it two days early hoping to stir some interest. However, with crickets on the GroupMe and excuses flying like flatulence at the Lion’s Den, it looked like there may be no one to enjoy such a highly anticipated feast of chance, strategy, teamwork, and train tracks. But, a strong representation of the PAX (even Dox, who had to leave early to get to clinics) charitably made their way to the Peltch this morning worked up enough interest to make it all feel worthwhile.
Enough of the pleasantries, this beatdown was a cutthroat competition for European dominance via railway, and it went something like this:
YHC: Alright, 6:30, let’s get warmed up.
White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)
(…this leads to all but Valve discussing said movie, which left YHC and Valve the only ones doing any counting. Some definite foreshadowing here…)
(All mosey to the Thunderdome where the board game “Ticket to Ride is set up on a cinder block-carboard table)
YHC: Ok, here are the rules. We’ll split up into three teams of three players each.
(Counts off–teams are: 1. Dox, AB, YJ 2. Pope, White Meat, Duke 3. Valve, Maneater, YHC)
YHC: Each team will pick a card, which has a route on it. You’ll need to place your colored train cars on the different colored tracks that will connect all the cities on your route to connect the start and end points in a non-stop chain of trains.
Dox to AB: Ok, if we start with this one here in Zurich, we can connect to Venezia…
YHC: Hey, listen to the instructions, you can strategize later.
Dox: I can do both at the same time.
YHC: Not so sure. …So, you can claim a track connecting two cities if you do the exercises and the reps that correspond to the color of the track and the number of train cars it indicates you need. So,…
AB to Dox: I think we should make our way through Duetchland. Did you notice that I said “Deutchland”? That’s because I…
YHC: You’re gonna want to pay attention to this. So, if a track has three red car spaces, you would look at this board and see that a red car space means 15 merkins, so each member of your team would need to do 45 merkins.
YJ: (While AB and Dox are whispering and pointing to Amsterdam) Wait, what color are we?
YHC: And, if there is an engine on a space, that means you need to run to the gate and back.
Maneater: Nope
YHC: And, if another team claimed a track you need, you can put one of your stations on the city it connects to and use that track, but a station is earned by your whole team bear crawling around the perimeter of the thunderdome.
Dox to AB: …and if we cut through Budapest…
YHC: Oh, and these spaces outlined in black are tunnels. That means the reps are doubled for those spaces. Here are the exercises and reps indicated by each color track/space on the board:
-Red: 15 Merkins
-Black: 10 Burpees
-Blue: 15 Jump Squats
-White: 15 Bonnie Blairs (2:1)
-Green: 20 Big Boy Situps
-Orange: 20 Crunchy Frogs
-Pink: 20 Toe taps (plank, reach through and touch opposite toe, 2:1)
-Yellow: Line jumps for 1 min, 20 second break between (two feet jump back and forth over a line)
White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)
YHC: Once you’ve completed the route on the card, you can pick another route card, either a short one or a long one, but if you pick it, you’re committed to completing it. For the cards you complete, you get the number of points indicated on the card, but for the ones incompleted, you lose that number of points. You also will get points for each train car on the board, and the longer the track chosen between cities, the more points you get for it.
AB to Dox: …we should definitely go through Essen. I have a lot of friends there…
YHC: Any questions? Guys! I said, “Any questions?”
YJ: Wait, what team am I on?
YHC: Ok, begin!
(YHC, Valve, and Maneater immediately start cranking out 60 crunchy frogs apiece, and White Meat, Pope, and Duke are doing what seems to be 10 minutes worth of big boys. Meanwhile, the blue team seems to have claimed three or four full tracks before anyone else gets back to the board.)
Dox: Alright, now we just need these three and an engine to go up to Kobenhaven…
Valve: No! Why in the world do you need Kobenhaven?? Goose! We gotta run!
Maneater: Oh, God
(Goose and Valve take off in an effort to beat AB, Dox, and YJ to the gate and back, but it doesn’t matter–somehow, they’ve already done the other exercise reps needed to claim that track, so YHC’s team is stuck with a perimeter bear crawl in order to place a station. I mena, you can’t get to Stockholm without going through Kobenhaven!)
White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)
Dox: Alright, we’re done with this route, let’s pick another card.
Pope: (as he finishes his 80th Bonnie Blair) Did he say “done with this route”?
YHC (internally): I never want to do another crunchy frog for as long as I live.
Valve to Maneater and YHC: Well, it looks like we could either do 60 burpees or 80 crunchy frogs to get to Pamplona.
Maneater and YHC: Crunchy frogs it is.
Pope: No! Blue claimed the track we needed again! I guess those Bonnie Blairs were wasted. Gotta do another perimeter craw.
AB: We’re running out of blue train cars to put on the board. Let’s just start using the black ones.
Dox to AB and YJ: Alright, we’ve done seventeen cards, and it’s 7:15, so I’ve got to go. You guys ought to be able to get another ten or twelve, huh?
AB and YJ: You bet–we’ve got plenty of gas in the tank. This is fun!
YHC to Valve: (panting heavily) I’m having trouble seeing straight–what color is that?
Valve: It’s blue–they’re all over the board, like a stage 4 cancer
White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)
AB to YJ: So, that’s 60 total big boys. How many have you done so far?
YHC to AB: Wait, are you guys each doing all the reps, or are you splitting the total amongst your team?
AB: Don’t worry, we’re splitting them up. We wouldn’t be so crazy as to each do all those reps. That would be ridiculous.
YHC to White Meat and Pope: Are you guys splitting them up?
Pope: No, we’re each doing the whole rep total.
YHC to AB: Exactly! That’s what we’re all supposed to be doing!
AB: Dox was confident that he heard it was a compilation. And now he’s on his way to work soothing his lemon truck woes with the smug confidence of an inevitable victory.
Valve to YHC: Injustice happens. Looks like we’re bear crawling another lap.
(AB and YJ honorably change their rep counts with 10 minutes left to match the actual rules somehow missed in the explanation, knowing that there will be some substantial point docking at the end. The other two teams keep on keeping on, all the while completely avoiding all black tracks. Seriously, not one burpee was done. It’s amazing what lengths we’ll go to to avoid burpees when given any other option.
7:30 hit and points were tallied with the blue team graciously forfeiting 1/3 of their points. Counted off and three wearables were rewarded: Phil the Pain went to Pope, The Fire Within went to Valve, and Blue Tube went to YHC)
YJ: (Prayer)
White Meat: (somewhat obscure quote from early 90’s movie)
