The year is 1976. A piercing cry breaks through the pre-dawn gloom of the small hamlet in West Germany.
“Nein, Frau Best, it’s ok… he’s supposed to look like that…”
After several hours of counseling and education that you cannot “trade in” a baby, the young mother finally concedes. She brings the youngling home, hoping to place him in a side show or perhaps a “world’s hairiest baby” contest.
A few months pass, and (as per German tradition) the infant is abandoned in the Black Forest with only a six-pack of Bitburger Pils.
The memories of that youngling’s first year of life in that forest, memories only of beer, bears, and pain, fueled this morning’s beatdown. . .
SSH
Windmills
Imperial Walkers
Toy soldiers
Arm circles
Cherry pickers
Butt kicks
High knees
Self love
Mosey to the truck to pick up “Brew-pons”.
Thang 1:
German Volumetric Training (or YHC’s bastardization if it)
10 exercises, 10 reps each. All Merkins, all the time
In some particular order:
Fingertip Merkins
Diamond Merkins
Crucible Merkins
Sphinx Merkins (2=1)
Man maker Merkins (2=1)
Knurkins
Creature Merkins (2=1)
Superman Merkins
Derkins
Merkins
(Aside: a German Merkin is a Gherkin, which is a small pickle. Nobody wants that.)
Goose absolutely killed this, figuring out where the Merkin stations were as well as physically destroying the reps.
YHC forgot where station 2 was, and self penalized himself with an extra set of Diamond merkins.
And there was much grunting.
Thang 1.5:
Bear Crawl to Berlin. And back.
Smooth Operator displayed superhuman ability here. Defying physics, he somehow bear-crawled downhill while on level ground.
Thang 2:
Make it Stop: Oktoberfest
We began with WWIII sit-ups while German-language or German-centric songs play. Anyone who can identify the song, Artist, album, or year released, gets to change the exercise.
Goose showed unprecedented music prowess by nailing both “Major Tom” and “Rock Me Amadeus” correctly (in spite of YHC erroneously thinking it was simply called “Amadeus”).
Honeysuckle, the usual ringer for music knowledge, displayed his patriotism here by refusing to identity any of die Musik.
Also, apparently every popular German language song was released in 1983. And who knew Lou Bega was from Munich?
(Paradiddle’s contribution during this phase of the beatdown, while significant, consisted solely of gas and giggles.)
Final Thang: Stein hold
Brewpons are held out at chest level, Bruce Lee-style, emulating the traditional Oktoberfest Steinholding competition.
‘Lil Cuz won, reinforcing his steadfast love for his brewpon.
GG to Paradiddle for reasons obvious to all.
Brewpons to go.
Cardinal prayed us out.
Epilogue:
The youngling, nourished on hops and barley, and fortified by merkins, emerges from the depths of the forest.
Bear-crawling a few meters further, it rises up on its now-ample haunches, howling, “Ich bin Deuchlands Besten!”
