New Orleans Tough Mudder

Let me introduce myself.  I am Lee LaFleur’s lily white, cleaner than a Seventh Heaven Marathon, baseball cap.  Lee and I have had some good times together.  I often partner with my buddy Shades to give him that cool, casual look.  I can’t count the number of Friday nights, after one too many, he’s flipped me around backwards and taken his “homies” from the hood for a spin on the golf cart; cutting through old ladies’ yards and hopping curbs on our way to Bud’s Broiler.  Or all the times he’s turned me sideways and turned up Q93 on his way to the Hardware Store.  Lee and I have been thick as thieves, which is what makes this past Saturday so confusing….

Saturday Morning (Early, but not that early)

Good morning Lee!  What’s up.  Where we going today?  Too late for F3, thank goodness.  Please don’t say we are going running.  You know I hate the sweat ring.  It stinks.  Let’s grab shades and take the family to the park, show off the wifee, make all the ladies jealous…you know how we roll you handsome devil.  You’re looking kind of sporty.  I really hope we aren’t running…

Academy Sports Parking Lot

Why in the world are we meeting a bunch of dudes in the Academy Sports parking lot?  Why are they all putting on sunscreen?  Are we going to the beach with a bunch of dudes?  Who’s the Asian guy in the UPS truck?  Wait that’s not a UPS truck.  What is that thing?  Is something illegal happening?  Let’s not get in the big unmarked vehicle with the stout looking Asian gangster.  Go to the other vehicle, it seems safer….No Lee, no, c’mon!….Oh balls!  Do you realize we are headed to the westbank?  What have you gotten us into?  I am now certain this is something illegal.  You have a wife and kids to think about dude.  Things can’t be that bad…why are they listening to Stevie Winwood? And why is it so loud? Who are these idiots?

The Thang

We are turning on Torque Lane.  For some reason that has the cross fit looking guy really excited.  Premium Parking – sweet, the stout looking Asian mobster must really be somebody.  There’s lots of people here so maybe this isn’t something illegal.  Please tell me it’s a Kenny Chesney concert – get shades and push up your sleeves.  Show those F3 guns off my man.  People will think your his brother…Okay, the signs say Tough Mudder…that sounds Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless.  What’s that mean – Mudder?

The Starting Gate

Ok, these dudes are circling up to pray, take me off, take me off. That was kind of cool, a group of men praying in the midst of a bunch of strangers.  You don’t see that everyday.  Okay, this guy is telling us to take a knee in some gravel, seems painful.  He’s a good speaker though.  He’s getting me pumped up.  I’m still not sure what we are doing, but I love these people around me.  Whatever we are doing we are going to get it done together.  Hoo-rah!…Ah c’mon, we’re running?  Try not to get real sweaty, ok?

Obstacle #1 – Pitfall

What is this?  These idiots are running straight into that mudhole.  Alright, let’s veer to the side and go around.  Wait, Lee, what are you doing?  Why would you run straight into that?!?  How could you not see that?  It’s waist deep.  Okay, let’s keep your hands clean.  Okay, there goes that idea.  Whatever you do, don’t touch me.

More mud.  Jump over this one please.  No need to get muddier.  Wait, the one they call Kimchi lost a shoe.  Let’s wait for him.  #NoManLeftBehind.  A little up a head a women saw how good I looked and asked to take my picture.  Some of the other idiots joined us.

Obstacle #2 – Skidmarked

Looks like a wall we need to go up and over.  I take it we aren’t going around it.  Our buddies are at the top to help pull us over.  That’s nice.  Thanks fellows, but don’t touch me.  Your hands are filthy.

Obstacle #3 – Hero Carry

Here Lee and his friends partnered up to carry each other about 100 yards.  There was one poor sap that was odd man out – the guy that lost his shoe earlier.  He got stuck with some big dude he didn’t know – he looked to be about a size 8 hat size, which probably puts him around 240.  Well done Kimchi.  Luckily the dude riding on Lee’s back kept his grubby paws off me. #StillShining

Obstacle #4 – Devil’s Beard

Looks like two cargo nets laying on top of each other that you have to crawl between.  Fortunately for us some of Lee’s buddies were in the cargo net, lifting the top net and giving us plenty of room.  No worries as I made it through without even a scrape.  These guys seem alright.  #LivingThird

Obstacle #5 – Ladder to Hell

And we are stopped.  We turn into the woods and a line of people waiting for something.  Can’t tell what yet.  It does give everyone time to mention how remarkably clean and white I am.  That makes me feel good.  The guy they call Rudy keeps counting everyone.  He must be some type of chaperone.  Lee, tell him not to worry, just tell everyone to follow me – I’m a beacon shining above the fray…Finally we make it to the obstacle.  It’s nothing but a wide ladder made out of a few 2x10s.  Not nearly worth the Disney length line we waited in.  At least it gave people time to admire my brightness.

Obstacle #6 – Tire(d) Yet

A bunch of tires laying on the ground like a junior high football practice.  If the question was “is my boy tired yet” the answer is a definitive NO!

Obstacle #7 – Haha Ditch

Alright, this ain’t cool.  It’s just a giant muddy ditch.  This seems very dangerous.  Why would you wear a beautiful white hat to something like this?!?  No wonder they are all calling you Tool.  Just go around it please,  Noooo!  You jerk.  Be careful, and watch your hands.  I think I have mud on me.  Can you see?  Never mind.  Don’t touch me, you’re filthy.

Look, the one they call Yankee wore a hat, but he wore one that no one would ever care about.  He’s obviously the smartest one in the bunch.  They should make him the leader.

Obstacle #8 – Pyramid Scheme.

This is crazy looking.  A big slanted wall, with a waist deep ditch in front of it.  Rumor has it that this thing has been greased with vegetable oil.  Looks like Tool’s band of idiot friends are planning on creating two lines of idiots three people high, then people will use them to climb to the top.  Okay, the one they call Hawg has climbed to the top and is in the third position.  Looks like his cleats are digging into the guy below him.  Did he ask Mulligan about that before climbing up there?….Does Hawg really think he can pull that big dude up from the bottom?  That’s not going to work.  He’s going down.  Ha! the whole tower fell into the ditch.  What an idiot…Ok new plan.  They have taken the one they call Hawg and have hung him upside down from the top of the obstacle.  They are obviously mad at him for crashing them earlier.  Here comes the chaperone…wait, what his he doing to Hawg….oh no that is awful….Tool look away…turn your head…this is obscene.  Here comes the street sign guy…Oh good grief…this is awful…I get that Hawg is an idiot, but I don’t think he deserves this.  Is there law enforcement around here?  Someone stop this.  Thank goodness, they are pulling him back up.  I would say he has learned his lesson.  Tool, don’t cross these dudes.

Obstacle #9 – Mud Mile 2.0

I’m done.  I’m out.  Let’s go Tool.  You can’t seriously be thinking about doing this.  There is no way I survive this.  It’s about 8 muddy hills and 7 chest deep ditches of water.  You have to have help to get over every hill.  These people in front of us are covered in mud.  Are you serious?  Well it was good knowing you…..

Ok, I know I am filthy now.  Seems like we are headed somewhere else, but we obviously have to come back and do this again.

Obstacle #10 – Block Ness Monster

At this point the group has started to separate.  No doubt because I am no longer a shining beacon that all can follow.  Here we have a creative obstacle.  A series of long rotating rectangular prisms that you hang onto and flip over to the other side, while others rotate it.  The water was fairly clean and I got a little cleaner, but it’s too little too late.  I’m still mad.

Obstacle #11 – Berlin Walls

A tall wall that you climb over.  No mud.  Hopefully the mudder part is done.

Obstacle #12 – Everest 2.0

Total Ninja Warrior stuff.  A giant warped wall with people at the top helping to pull you up.  Again no mud – things are looking up.  All of Tool’s buddies did well.  A few of the the guys needed a couple of tries and I thought the stout Asian mobster might have knocked himself out the first time (he generates a lot of speed. #GoBigOrGoHome), but he survived unscathed and easily climbed the wall.  Impressive teamwork by the idiots at this obstacle.

Obstacle #13 – Mud Mile 2.0

Crap!!!! I totally forgot we had to go back through this.  This is awful.  Look at the chaperone.  He’s straight out of the Blue Man Group, except instead of being covered in blue paint, it looks like he is covered in loose stool.

Obstacle #14 – Augustus Gloop

How are those people over there so clean?  Ahhhh, here it is.  This obstacle is basically a shower.  Tall shower that you climb up through.  This is great.  I am getting clean.  Tool hang out at the top a little longer, lets get this filth off of me.  Now take a moment, stand at the top, and let me shine like a beacon of hope to all who can see.

Unfortunately, Mathlete, who got some mud in his eye earlier in the race had to call for the medics at this point.  I feel you Mathlete, this mud is dangerous.

Obstacle #15 – Turducken

An obstacle in an obstacle in an obstacle.  Fortunately this one wasn’t too muddy or difficult.  We got to go down a slide, wheeeeeeeee!

Obstacle #16 – Birth Canal

No mud, just crawling under a tarp with water in it.  Our legionnaire friend Amnesty went through the black hole.  Basically the same thing, but darker.

Obstacle #17 – Monster Mash

Giant vertical tractor tires that you jump on and over.  Come on Tough Mudder, you’ve got to be better than this.  My man box jumps at NOMA – this is for ladies.

Obstacle #18 – Reach Around

Climbing on a backwards slant up to a platform.  My man Tool stuck around to encourage everyone and help them get up to the top.  He’s a good guy, but I am still mad that he brought me.

Obstacle #19 – Arctic Enema

Sliding into a tank of ice cold water.  Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless.  At least I am feeling much cleaner.

Obstacle #20 – The Funky Monkey

Here Tool ran into his friend Sparky.  Sparky is apparently associated with Tool’s band of idiot friends, but was not technically with them during this race.  Seems like an intelligent guy.  Surprised he talked to them for as long as he did.

Now this is an obstacle – Inclined monkey bars to a couple of rotating wheels, where you have to swing to a declined straight bar – real Ninja Warrior type stuff.  Okay Tool don’t you dare fall in that water, I just started feeling clean again….Nice, you made it.  This F3 stuff has you looking pretty athletic..Okay, enough celebrating, turn around.  I want to see the heavy breathing one they call JV, he’s next.  Look at that.  That dude is a stud.  He crushed it.

Obstacle #21 – Six Feet Under

We have got to be getting close.  Sure is a lot of running here at the end.  Oh, you have to be kidding me.  What is this.  This looks like some kind of gray, plutonium mud pit.  What is that stuff.  Why are people going through it so slowly?  Oh, lots of lost shoes.  Ok, Tool, let’s don’t and say we did.  We finally got clean.  This is just cruel.  Ha! some dude just went all the way under because his friends told him to.  Now he’s blind.  That was completely stupid.  He seems like a perfect fit for your group Tool.

Obstacle #22 – Electroshock Therapy

This is it – the end.  Of course there is more mud and if you don’t get down in it they shock you with live wires.  Completely Stupid And Utterly Pointless.

Finisher

Well after all that, we get a t-shirt and a headband.  You can give the headband to someone else Tool, you’re not a headband guy.  Your a brilliant white cap, shining for all the world to follow, kind of guy.  Now it’s time to get me cleaned up.

Moleskin

I have no idea why Tool thought he should bring me to this, but in the end, I am glad he did.  He and his band of idiot friends seemed to have a great time together.  They worked hard, they laughed hard and most importantly they worked as a team to make sure everyone got to the end.  Unfortunately, they lost Mathlete along the way, but he is a fighter; he’ll be back.  I have to give it to these guys, they put in a lot of hard work preparing for this and they were ready.  It was an honor to spend the journey with them.  And, the good news is that I learned the muscled up Asian mobster runs a “laundering” service.  Send me home with him and let’s get ready for the next CSAUP, no matter how filthy it is.