F3 Thibodaux Police Blotter: October 1, 2022
Officer ParaDox reporting on duty
6:30 am Called to the scene for suspicious activity at Peltier Park for 3 men and a wild Coyote rolling dice around a shovel flag. These men were all recognized as repeat offenders, there criminal profiles noted below:
The Ringleader: noted for organized workouts in the region dating back to 2020, he leads a tough gang with iron will and burpees. Rumored to have 20-25 offspring. His authority was questioned…once.
The Barefoot one: 200 lbs of muscle, he is clearly the enforcer of the gang.
XL mudgear shorts so his quads don’t rip the seams. That wayyyyyy down the bayou DNA keeps his cardiac output ready for live action at any moment.
The Redneck Idiot: unsure of his role in the gang, a gangly NorthLa transpant that prefers tight shorts and neon garments. Usually runs interference by mispronouncing words and mumbled speech.
Wild Coyote: an actual feral coyote the gang uses for intimidation to rival gangs.
6:37 am Authorities alerted that the gang picked up a late arrival, suspect in a red Southern pipe hat goes by the call signal Goats. Rumored to have an “off the grid” bunker in deep Thibodaux with enough livestock for the whole gang.
6:42 am Suspects in question noted packing cinderblocks into an unmarked white van by planking and squat thrusting.
6:50 am: Suspects reported by local gas station attendant. While one suspect pumped the gas, the other sprinted into the store for snacks. They continued to mercilessly gamble in the parking lot , hollering “20 merks” and “5 lbcs”. Clearly, organized crime lingo. 200 reps were pumped before they fled the scene.
7:01 am: Civilian call outside an interstate in Texas noted that several men in unmarked white van were seen sprinting to a ditch then doing several squats. They were overheard chastising each other due to a gas station purchase of fish sticks from the vending machine.
7:10 am News helicopter in Arizona picked up footage of the white van stuck in traffic. Suspects spent this down time disturbing the peace with hang burpees and blasting John Wallers “While Im Waiting”. 20 burpees were recorded for Project Burptober.
7:15 am After getting jammed up for a traffic violation the white van entered a high speed chase. The gang deployed a deadly Ring of Fire maneuver for 2 rounds. Bearcrawling with merkins followed by lunges and squats were just enough to evade capture for most of the gang. Unfortunately, their beloved Goats was struck by a stray bullet of mysterious cramps. He stayed behind to take the heat for the gang in true hero fashion. “Take care of my chickens” he cried as they placed him in cuffs.
7:20 am Following the Ring of fire dust up there were scattered reports of gang activity in Talahasee, Fl, Santa Fe, New Mexico and Bismark, North Dakota. These criminals clearly leveraged their children’s knowledge of state capitals for secondary gain.
7:29 am The gang was last reported half moseying/half limping and carrying cinderblocks, a wifi speaker and a few cones near Thibodaux.
After a prayer together they faded into the gloom.
This is where the trail went cold. The suspects remain at large.
If you have information about these HIMs please come forward to the F3 authorities at the Stage on Monday at 5:30. They will be brought to justice.
SYITG
Officer Pdox
RIP GOATS
Gone but not forgotten
