YHC recently finished “Into Thin Air” by John Krakauer, a first hand account of a tragic Everest expedition in 1996. It turned disastrous after a freak storm hit the summit during the only window multiple competing teams had to make it to the top. A great read if you want a deep dive into the world of high summit climbing and especially if you really, really never want to even consider strapping on a pair of crampons.
But it got my wheels turning about bucket list items and the wild ambitions a man can find on this planet. (There’s a beatdown coming here later but just sit tight with your hookahs for a moment.)
Ya see, There have been short periods of time when YHC had his own aspirations as a mountain climber. First in my early 20s and then I left a rock climbing gym with a hernia. The staff said “first time climbers” shouldnt recreate Tom Cruise mission impossible stunts but what do they know.
Undeterred, a few years later I headed up a mountain in Breckinridge, CO (brek brah) during a med school trip and was met with acute altitude sickness. It will shock none of our local pax to hear that my body shuts down if I leave the state lines or an altitude of 100 feet. Those trips to the oxygen bar did have a silver lining as I found out my future M would leave her friends and nurse a redneck bafoon to health.
Now in a real pickle, I had met both physical and even genetic barriers to my climbing goals . But nonetheless my 7th grade bucket list item remained.! Mrs Smith, our English/creative writing teacher (who planted the seeds of back blasting 101), had instructed us that no item was too far fetched to put on our list. So right there sandwiched between “Ironman triathlon “ and “learn English” was “climb or visit the 7 summits”. But here I was, like a 5:02am YJ bowel movement , stuck between a rock and a hard place as time ran out. The opportunities flushing fast and the midlife crisis impending as YHC saw his 7th grade dreams replaced by watching men in verbal altercations about the glory of a hand jive. Was my musical life just a sing-along this whole time??
Panic stricken, I made a plan…
I wouldn’t climb them free and solo. (Been there , done that, have the scars)
WE would climb them.
And we would climb them ALL in a 45 min free men’s workout.
Duke!! Put down that FMLA paperwork!
We are back to blasting !!
Roll the beautiful mountain bean footage!!
YHC rolled in a 1/2 minute late to a Lions Den boiling over with pax. Safety Valve continues to make up for a lifetime of missed SSH and provided a prompt courtesy warmup for the men. Fighting shadow GroupMe Q stealers and cumbersome garage coupons this beatdown theme was already heating up as a true uphill battle for YHC. We hit the usuals with continued slow high knee pax not maximizing their zone 2 cardio and our Lake Charles brothers wondering if the cadence here in Thibodaux is done in synchronized ear buds.
YHC gave the pax a little warmup mosey while slipping in hints to the big Thang.
7 nation Army was a nod to the 7 summits and the only riff I could try to learn on a guitar to looked cool in 2005.
Next up YHC needed to sell the allure of the mountains. We had “ Big rock candy mountain “ by Harry McClintock and he’s a fine salesman, ensuring us there would be no rain, wind or bull dogs with real teeth.
A perfectly weird tune that we performed MCs, plank jacks and coupon merkins to.
These young sherpax also required belay certification. YHC obliged by splitting them into two teams and utilizing a standard issue Mardi Gras football for each team that needed to be transported around the civic center. They needed to spread out in a chain and throw the ball one man at a time. With a drop equaling 3 burpees. And continuous squats for any stationary pax. Most of the pax atleast feined understanding and this mini thang proceeded to reach 7.2 on the Maui Scale. Drone reports later cited early high altitude cerebral edema that lead to the opposing team thinking the 3 burpees happen everytime they threw their kloot. YHC sent the chopper 6 rescue for rendezvous back at base camp and the whole thing had to filed under “belayed gratification”.
All that was left was Altitude Training so we headed to Lafourche Parishs highest point to complete 10 burpees then it was go time:
Mount Thang a Lang
How it should work: Team sends 1 man up the mountain to do reps up top while all alternate between 3 exercises (7-7-7) , rinse and repeat till entire team has competed.
Winner has all team mates back and in plank
7 rounds for the 7 highest summits on each continent(some modified for time)
Authors Note
***
There are almost as many geography schisms as Thibodaux sandwich schisms and it seems fiercely debated which of the seven summits are the “true seven”. This bd will reference the area of Oceani (Australia plus New Zealand plus Indonesia) and the concensuus across trivia books seems to be the below:
1- OCEANIA
Puncak Jaya (16k ft)
what country?
(Indonesia)
Merkins – plank jacks -squats
We started at a modest 16000 feet and this one may have been the toughest trivia across the board. YHCs Jawa is a little rough around the edges, compounded by wind and N. Canal traffic most of the pax thought I had sneezed and were still waiting on a question when we started burpees.
Team 1 took a decisive victory with a shocking decision to put Maneater as the sprint finisher and Jennayyy I tell ya..this man just felt like running. It took a year or two but we finally found Maneaters trigger….NEVER Disrespect Olivia Newton John or he will run you into the ground. White Meat could not be reached for comment and we left his body and a copy of Big Lebowski for the natives on Puncak Jaya.
2- ANTARCTICA
Mount Vinson Massif (16)
Penguins – Leg Raise – WW3 sit-ups
Goosie got this one correct after heavy penguin hints.
Team 1 had found there best horse and Maneater was again putting pure greased lightning.
3- EUROPE
Mount Elbrus (18k ft)
***Skipped for time but I think we did burpees for the trivia.
4- AFRICA
Mt Kilimanjaro (20k ft)
(Easiest to climb)
Coupon jumps, Donkey kicks, tin soldiers
YHC meant to serenade the pax with Toto’s masterpiece here bit if you start to play it in your head now it will reach peak chorus when you finish this blast.
5- NORTH MERKINA
Denali (22k ft)
Merkins- wide, regular, diamond
All Merkins because nothing says USA like naming your most majestic gas guzzling SUV after your politically controversial named and renamed mountain.
6- SOUTH AMERICA
Acongua (27k ft)
27 Monkey Humpers
-Just seemed right
Finisher….
7- ASIA
Everest (29)
“I’m on top of the World”
On top of having some great bd songs this band also gives you the chance to always end a tough conversation with the upper hand by saying “imagine those dragons” and then walking away. (Reader discretion advised, not for domestic use)
We did Coupon Al Gore and Thrusters on “World”
We finished with continuous thrusters and all legs met jello criteria.
Back to the flag for supplemental oxygen, counting, naming and also we learned XL is actually Excel so we didn’t have anymore questions about mysterious t-shirt sizes and some mumbled comments about google sheets being superior.
Announcements were mostly replaced by ways to let YJ know his Manniversary was a hoax or turn it into a “9th green at 9 “”situation. Backblast pending?
Prayers and intentions for many in our regions and beyond.
Thanks for climbing with me Pax
I hope that in this Lenten season of lessened distractions God makes our own mountains more clear and that we have the faith to climb with what he has provided.
Can you imagine those dragons?
SYITG
Dox
