Dad jokes, like F3 exercises, require growth, maturation, hard work, and development. You can’t just expect to roll in with your sad-clown puns and expect that to check the “dad” box. Your kids, your wife, your friends, and the culture as a whole need more from you. It takes work, time, practice, and the ability to persevere through the piles and piles of cheesy, one-dimensional groaners to find the ones that communicate to your audience: “You’re worth more.” This morning would be a Dad Joke Intensive.
After a warmup of the usuals, which got the sweat flowing freely in the bagass infused mugginess of The Stage, YHC suggested gloves despite no coupons and led the PAX to the Loop of Wealth. At the first light post, where all devious plots are revealed, YHC explained that a dad joke would be introduced at each light, and if the PAX was unable to come up with the punchline, we’d all endure a 10 merkin penalty. That was it. For the whole beatdown. We made it around the mile loop, and then headed backward to go around again. The hopper was loaded with winners (mostly), and YHC knew it would take a while to wake up the multiple levels of humor and creativity necessary for the true Dad joke aficidonado.
Despite having some solid minds in the bunch, the PAX was clearly not ready for the heights we would be achieving today. Merkins flowed freely for quite some time before Tap started to catch on and work the old noodle a little harder. Honeysuckle, Valve, and Dox weren’t far behind, but the engines were sputtering for most of the run.
It took the following two-liner before the message finally sunk in that we came to work:
“Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station…
Investigators have nothing to go on.”
Dox was the first to figure out that you can’t just repeat one of the 20 dad jokes that you see on every list ever and think you’re doing your job. When you hear, “Why is 6 afraid of 7?” Don’t come with “Because 7 ate 9.” That’s wasting people’s time. You gotta come with something like, “Because 7 was a registered six offender.”
The first break was earned by Honeysuckle, who came close enough on the following:
“I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing form his job as a road worker…
But, when I got home, all the signs were there.”
So, YHC had to step it up a bit and bring it to the next level–you can’t go completely ridiculous, but Dad has to have an Ace up his sleeve. He has to come from somewhere completely unexpected, but still somehow make sense, at least a little:
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend…
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
(And…10 merkins)
The PAX picked up on the “unexpected angle” pretty quick and started to look for multiple directions, or misdirections. All four dads pulled out the punchline for the following and got a needed merkin break:
“If people stood shoulder to shoulder around the equator…
2/3 of them would drown.”
Honeysuckle (or was is Dox?) even came up with a percentage that was almost the exact number. It was impressive.
Somehow, though, most still got by them and they kicked themselves for missing some of the more direct ones, like:
“Dad buys a universal remote and says…
‘This changes everything!'”
or
“A chicken coup only has two doors…
If it had four, it would be called a chicken sedan.”
There were a couple that came easy, though, like:
“Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.”
But, there were still a few that were guaranteed merkins. I mean, we came to work out, right?
“My drug test came back, and it’s negative…
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.”
or
“I like to spend every day as if it’s my last…
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me my pudding.”
Some were chosen just because YHC wanted to share what’s universally recognized as pure dad joke genius, like:
“What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale”
or
“What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.”
As we rounded the last few curves, we were skipping lights in order to get back to the flag on time. This was helped by Tap getting in a groove and nailing a few in a row, like:
“So what if I don’t know what ‘Armageddon’ means…
It’s not the end of the world.”
And, we ended up finishing one minute late with the appropriate:
“There are three types of people…
Those who can count, and those who can’t.”
All said and done, the PAX got 15 out of 48 correct, which meant we did 330 total merkins over 2 miles. With the distraction of the dad joke project, the merkins, though not easy, were not the focus, so we stacked them much higher than most of the PAX realized with what felt like moderate effort. Except for Pope. He knew all the jokes already, so all he was focused on was the merkins. He spent every light post run trying to use Jedi mind tricks to get the answers into their heads, dreading the impending merkins, while the rest giggled their way through what would have otherwise been a grinder.
I’ll leave you with just a few more gems that didn’t make the cut, but should have:
“What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.”
“This is my stepladder…
I never knew my real ladder.”
“I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.”
You’re welcome. Keep working hard. Your loved ones need you.
SYITG,
Goose
