YHC recently listened to an excellent podcast episode breaking down the United States Bullion Depository , better known as Fort Knox. YHCs working knowledge of Fort Knox before this was at about a 6th grade level and while I was slightly disappointed to learn there was neither a moat nor sharks with lazer beams (I meannn not even ill tempered sea bass?!), I was however , fascinated by the robust layers of security present. If one presents such a security the obvious response is “well what WOULD it take to break in?”. YHC loves a good heist film so it was only a matter of time before I began to devise a plan …and as the plan took form it was much more clear that it was a question of “ WHO would I need?” rather than “ WHAT I would need “
A team..but not just any team . A diverse group of high impact men with particular sets of skills. It just so happened that 9 of these very men showed up at the Stage Tuesday morning ready for action.
It went a little something like this….
Duke!! Get your ski mask and roll the footage.
I love it when a plan comes together!
Warmup
We got down to some usual warmups and it was clear this was not the ole chatter gang. Most days this would unsettle YHC to the point of provoking white bean schisms but today it was just the tone I was looking for.
These men were lazer focused and had the fresh pain from the tax man in their hearts.
Bumper Mosey to start of Richmans Loop where YHC laid out todays mission.
It was Simple. We were going to Fort Knox and we were going to get our money back.
Right on cue Popeyes old military buddy landed an Apache helicopter in the finance parking lot. Let’s just say you can make things happen when Sean Penn owes you a favor .
We loaded up and headed for north Kentucky.
Objective #1
Aerial drop and debrief
Introduced “The Sky Mile” (say it with a north La draw and it sounds like my favorite magazine)
Fort Knox is located on a 109k acre base so we couldn’t just drive up with our Platinum f150 and ask directions to the vault.
We would enter from the sky.
To stretch on the way we did 20 Aussie sweat angels (feels like sky diving ) and 20 ranger merkins (we need to atkeast look like military) x 4 rounds and we added a golden trivia debrief with a burpee penalty. It made for quite a festive chopper ride.
Trivia
1. Name Only President to see inside of Fort Knox -FDR
**some mutiny early here as SV softly said the correct answer immediately and AB discussed the virtue of 12 other presidents before coming back to trusting his safety valve with FDR.
2. Gold is one of 4 transition metal in group 11 on the periodic table. Name the other three. (Copper silver, roentgeniyn)
YHC wasn’t letting the pax get away with out burpees so Roentygenium was added as an Maneater chemistry defense. It worked like a charm and we did 7 burpees.
3.) The “gold watch” and the “Bonnie situation” are chapters in this 1994 movie
AB yawned , answered Pulp Fiction correctly and moseyed on. He didn’t just grow up in the 90s …he IS the 90s. No trivia is safe.
At the drop zone we hit a dead sprint with one last debrief.
4.) A 1995 spy movie , a hit N64 video game and the nickname they call safety valve when he will only see cash patients.
GOLDENEYE (several light chuckles were dispersed)
We were on the ground now and the defense was just getting warmed up .
Objective 2: Electric Fence
The outermost perimeter of Fort Knox is surrounded by a 20 foot barbed wire electric fence. No big deal, YHC depended on the sound advice from Homer criminals that informed him you could bypass this with jumper cables and cut the area in between…that’s science brother. We did this and thin slid right in.
“Electric Slide” by the Hit Team
Lateral Slide on the song
Star Jumper Cables on “Electric”
Apollo Ohno on “Boogie Woogie”
We lost White Meat half way through the fence and had to hook the jumper cables to his shin splints just to pull him through.
Objective 3 : Landmines
Once inside the fence there is 500 yards of heavily dispersed landmines. We had Honeysuckle pull a dark web search here and the only plausible way to survive a Minefield is obviously single file bearcrawl.
Bearcrawl Indian Run
1 lap – last man 1 merkin to to front.
Made 1 loop around the track and bears were turning into Linda’s left and right until Ladybug made an epic bearcrawl sprint to reignite the mission. T-claps.
Objective 4 : Guards
Now we are on the front porch of the vault house with one major external obstacle left. Guards.
But if there’s one thing Goose has trained us in , it’s the distracting power of music. We needed something special here , something so bad you would lay down your machine gun on duty and cover your ears. let’s see …late 90s…TRL…frosted tips…pointless lyrics…puca shell necklaces …bingo…
Music – SmashMouth “AllStar”
On Song: Step ups
Chorus – Box jumps
The legs were a little wobbly but we walked right in the frontier unscathed.
Finale
Objective 5 : The Vault
What’s left before we see the 300 billion worth of gold ?
Oh just a 21 inch thick steel vault door and the most intricate pass code systems ever created including 4 seperate individuals who have only a portion of the code each.
First things first, the vault door.
Reported to be able to withstand an atomic blast, drill or a blow torch but the pax of F3 Thibodaux had something stronger. ABs last 3 meals included gas station fish sticks, a nachos belle grande, and the rotolos garlic special aka the rotor rooter. This led to a synergistic bonding in his colon that would have scared even the creatures of Roentgeniun and one gas pump later we had a man sized hole melting in the vault door. We all have our gifts.
And now for that pesky code so the alarm doesn’t trigger. .
Split into teams and each team goes to 1 of 4 stations.
Each station has 1 trivia question and one exercise. 1 minute AMRAP while you chew on the trivia question. Once you have an answer fill in the blank and move to your next station.
Your answers should combine for an 8 digit code .
Answer after so you can keep score at home!
Station #1
Number of Medals won by Jesse Owens in 1936 Olympics
Apollo Ohnos
Station #2 – they weren’t counting gold but they were counting plenty of cards in this 2008 film about MiT students gaming a popular casino card game.
No cheat merkins
Station #3
The year the Golden state warriors were beat by Toronto Raptors in NBA finals.
Bobby Hurleys
Station #4
Bonnie Blair set the world record in the 500 m speed skate in the Calgary Olympics in this year.
Bonnie Blair’s
ANSWER :
04211988
Or
04/21/1988
Hmmmm…
Interesting date
-HoneySuckle and ladybug took first place with 3/4 correct.
-Valve with honorable mention as he was solo with YHC and there were very few hints.
-a certain unnamed optometrist had issues with 12 pt times new Roman font and boyyy that presbyopia continues to strike our 40 north club. Ya hate to SEE it.
We were now successfully inside the vault just as our own 6am alarms began to go off …
Counting , Naming and Rugby was given to HoneySuckle from Ladybug for his puzzle skills.
COT and Honeysuckle prayed us out
Had a blast putting this one together , thanks for breaking and entering with me .
It’s always a privilege to lead you men.
Post Script
Year of our Lord 2124
Journal entry from Lil Cuz the 6th
…generation after generation of F3 Thibodaux pax trained to break into Fort Knox. It was our yearly rite of passage to test fitness and a sharp mind. There finally came a time for the real mission. They had gotten a tip off from the great great grandson of HoneySuckle (he just happened to have a vaguely defined government job) that a long lost treasure had been found.
After breezing through the defenses they stood in the vault of Fort Knox. The bright reflection of gold cast on their faces as they walked between towering rows of gold plates. Each man considering how much one 26.5 lb bar could change his life. But they stayed true. They strode past the Constitution, brushed aside priceless original paintings and didn’t even glance at the Magna Carta. Then, they found it.
Nestled in a bin of gold and jewels it was wrapped in its dusty leather casing with tidy stencil spray paint letters on the front …
“The Story of the Bayou Pax and the unabridged Monologues of Yankee Jeaux the 1st: Volume 1”
They tucked it safely in the flying douche wagon and left the treasures of this earth behind for good.
You see , Their fathers and their father’s fathers had already handed down the real treasure to them during each beatdown:
Love your Creator, Lead your family, Strengthen the man next to you and always be grateful for the hidden treasures in each day.
“For where your treasure is , there also your heart will be “
Luke 12:34
SYITG
Dox
