F3 New Orleans

Author: Hawgcycle

  • Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen

    And that’s because I took a week to write the backblast.

    The Thang

    Warm-up (All IC):  SSH x 30; Imperial Walkers x 30; Windmills x 15; Low Slow Squats x 25; 8-count Body Builders x 15 (Apparently this week’s warm-up area was much cleaner than the one Torque likes to choose).

    Back to the flag for some GRT training.  I brought a ruck to share.  We circled up.  One man did Shoulder Presses in cadence while the rest of us did two 8-count body builders.  So that’s 8 shoulder presses and two body builders before the ruck is passed to the next man.  We did two sets so each man did 16 shoulder presses and 28 body builders.

    From there we headed to the levee for 5 rounds of Tyson D’Han style.  Start at the top of the levee, run down to River Road for the 10 reps of the prescribed exercise, back up and over the levee to the other side for 10 more reps, back up and over to River Road again for 10 more reps, then to the top to plank and wait for the six.  We did the following exercises:

    • Merkins
    • Lunges
    • Hello Dolly
    • Donkey Kicks
    • Burpees

    Quadraphilia – 4 minutes down the levee and back up always facing River Road.  #crowdpleaser

    Back to the flag for Jack Webb – 1:2 ratio of merkins to air presses ascending to 10.

    DJ style Mary

    • YHC – Russian Twist IC x 20
    • Chipper – Flutter Kicks IC x 20
    • Joe Dirt – Tin Snips IC x 20
    • Mathlete – Dragon rolls x 10
    • Torque – American Hammer IC x 21 (because Rocky won)
    • Terabyte – WWII Sit-ups x 20
    • Reformer – LBC IC x 20

    Moleskin

    • T-claps to Chobani for posting on his trip to New Orleans.  He asked for prayer as he prepares to travel to Greece for a church plant.
    • T-claps to the D’Han krewe for their continued run of successfully naming FNGs.
    • The levee at Troubled Waters is a definite asset.
    • The Croissant Sandwiches at Donut Land are another asset.  As are the Apple Fritters and the Bacon Maple Donuts.
    • T-claps to Joe Dirt for his box jumping skills demonstrated after the workout.  T-claps to YHC for having enough sense to not try what he did
    • I thought it would be cool to show the pax how I packed my ruck.  They decided it looked like I was smuggling coke into the AO.

     

  • The Uptowner Yoga Challenge – Week #6

    The Thang

    • SSHs IC x 25
    • IWs IC x 25
    • Windmills IC x 15
    • Squats IC x 25
    • Wide Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Twisting Torso Stretch
    • Split Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Standing Side Stretch
    • Sun Salutations (x3)
    • Runner’s Stretch
    • Crescent Pose
    • Warrior 1
    • Warrior 2
    • Reverse Warrior
    • Triangle Pose
    • Twisting Triangle Pose
    • Right Angle Pose with Grab and Hold
    • Chair Pose
    • Prayer Twist
    • Tree
    • Namaste

    Moleskin

    • 2 weeks of the yoga challenge left.  I don’t know that my hamstrings are that much more flexible, which is the main reason I wanted to do this.  I have developed a mean Warrior 1 though.
    • T-claps to Fracsac for inviting The Endor to The Uptowner.
    • I like the definite article, but it may be more efficient to change it to Endor.
    • T-claps to HVAC for volunteering to Q once the Yoga Challenge is over.  Mark your calendars now.

    Thanks,

    Hawg

     

  • The Uptowner Yoga Challenge – Week 5

    Week #5 of the Uptowner Yoga Challenge.  Prior to The Thang, Walleye diagnosed YHC with a Triangular Fibrocartilage Complex Injury.  He prescribed a Walgreen’s wrist splint and weekly check-ups.  He said it would hurt for a while.  He said I could go see a doctor, but I have learned from Rudy’s example that seeing a doctor should be a last resort.

    The Thang

    • SSHs IC x 25
    • IWs IC x 25
    • Windmills IC x 15
    • Squats IC x 25
    • Wide Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Twisting Torso Stretch
    • Split Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Standing Side Stretch
    • Sun Salutations (x3)
    • Runner’s Stretch
    • Crescent Pose
    • Warrior 1
    • Warrior 2
    • Reverse Warrior
    • Triangle Pose
    • Twisting Triangle Pose
    • Right Angle Pose with Grab and Hold
    • Chair Pose
    • Tree
    • Namaste

  • The Uptowner Yoga Challenge: Week #4

    I’ll start with the Moleskin – As we finished our workout, I noticed a man walking his dog with a ruck on.  I’ve seen this many several times over the past few years.  He is out there every morning with his ruck and two dogs.  Heisenberg and I stopped him to ask him how much weight was in his ruck. He proceeded to tell us of the wonders of “ruck marching”.  He’s been doing if for the past 30 years at the suggestion of the Saints team doctor at the time.  He says he carries 23 pounds and walks 3 miles every day.  He wears the ruck low so that it is uncomfortable (also the Dr.’s suggestion).  He says this makes him work harder.  He is now 67 and is in excellent health.  He doesn’t take any of the medications his friends take and unlike the rest of his family, he has never had back problems.  In fact, he said his current doctor remarked on the strength of his back muscles, wanting to know what type of exercises he does.  It was an inspiring discussion.  As Heisenberg remarked, this is a guy that has been taking the DRP for 30 straight years.  Every morning, he gets up and rucks 3 miles, even on the holidays like today.  The DRP has benefits.  GRT Baby!

    The Thang

    • SSHs IC x 25
    • IWs IC x 25
    • Squats IC x 25
    • Windmills IC x 15
    • Wide Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Split Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Standing Side Stretch
    • Sun Salutations (x3)
    • Runner’s Stretch
    • Crescent Pose
    • Warrior 1
    • Warrior 2
    • Reverse Warrior
    • Triangle Pose
    • Twisting Triangle Pose
    • Right Angle Pose with Grab and Hold
    • Namaste

     

  • The Uptowner Yoga Challenge: Week #2

    Temp was a cool 59 degrees this morning in the foggy Uptowner gloom, so I thought it best to start this session off with some traditional warm-up exercises to get the heart pumping.

    The Thang

    • SSHs IC x 25
    • IWs IC x 20
    • Windmills IC x 15
    • Wide Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Twisting Torso Stretch
    • Split Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Standing Side Stretch
    • Sun Salutations (x3)
    • Runner’s Stretch
    • Crescent Pose
    • Warrior 1
    • Warrior 2
    • Reverse Warrior
    • Triangle Pose
    • Twisting Triangle Pose
    • Chair Pose
    • Prayer Twist
    • Right Angle Pose with Grab and Hold
    • Tree
    • Namaste

    Moleskin

    • Great to see Da Parish recovering well from his ankle injury.  I think this is the first time he and Walleye have seen each other since Walleye left him for dead at City Park. #awkward.
    • Triple Shift came with Yoga mat in tow. #HeAintPlayin
    • I am becoming more and more impressed with HVACs ability to end his early morning runs at exactly 0530. #punctuality
    • HVAC runs after posting also. So how far does run before posting?  I imagine he has been running since last Friday. #UptownerPitStop
    • Come support the new Destrehan AO at East Bank Bridge Park.  Kimchi is on Q.  #TroubledWaters

  • 610 Stomp #83 – Classic with GRT Flavor

    Discipline Equals Freedom

    A quote from F3 Apache of Rock Hill:  

    The alarm clock goes off.  It’s time to get out of bed.  This is your first decision of the day.  Will you get out of bed or hit the snooze button?

    You press the snooze button and roll over.  What just happened?  No big deal, right?  Wrong.  You just lost the first battle of the day.  The Sadclown kicked your butt and has broken your will before you’ve even gotten out of bed.  You will most likely be its slave for the rest of the day.

    Are we going to beat that sad clown of the gloom? the choice is yours and it’s you against you.  Please don’t freaking lose.

    The Thang

    We started with eight 8-count body builders in cadence.  We then ran the classic bayou route stopping for eight 8-count body builders at the following spots:  NOMA, Cabrini Bridge, Dumaine St. Bridge, Orleans Bridge, Jose Marti Statue, Orleans Bridge, Dumaine St. Bridge, Cabrini Bridge, Esplanade Bridge, NOMA.  Then we sealed the deal with 12 burpees.  That’s a total of 80 body builders, 12 burpees, and 4 miles.

    Moleskin

    Six men and a K9 won the first battle of the day this morning.  By being disciplined we are free to be the men we are called to be.  Without discipline we become severely limited in what we are capable of doing.  T-claps to Tool,  who had an early appointment this morning.  He finished his run as we were starting the Stomp – that takes discipline.  That’s a man setting an example for the rest of us to follow.

    Commit to the GrowRuck today – Register Here.

    -Hawg

  • We are Live in the Big D.

    Seven men braved Margret Orr’s Apocalyptic forecast to launch F3 Destrehan on a beautiful, cool, breezy River Parish morning.  We planted the flag directly under the bridge, gave a short disclaimer and then moseyed about 3 feet for the warm-up COP.

    The Thang

    Warm-up COP – All exercises IC:  SSH x 30; Imperial Walkers x 25; Low Slow Squats x 25; Peter Parker x 25; Merkins x 10; Plank Jacks x 24; Merkins x 10; Parker Peters x 25; Merkins x 10

    Near the end of the COP, the St. Charles PO-PO pulled up into the parking lot.  Next thing we know Torque jumps up to his feet and takes off running.  

    Exploratory Mosey: We moseyed down the jogging trail that goes around the park.  Torque claims it is one half mile, an I have no reason not to believe him yet.  There were some exercise stations along the way, a few sporadically placed picnic tables, a big open dirt area, some bleachers, some narrow grassy areas, a basketball court, and tennis courts.

    After hiding out in the bathroom for a while, Torque rejoins us.  I didn’t ask.

    Red Hot Chili Pepper:  Since we were under the bridge, it seemed appropriate to break out the Red Hot Chilli Pepper.  This was gifted to the NOLA Pax at the NOLA Launch on 10/18/2014 by Chong Li.  You can read the backblast here, where it is referred to as the Chong-Li Special.  I modified it for the Destrehan Launch, using step ups instead of Bulgarian Split Leg Lunges.  I also reversed the counts for the legs and the merkins so that it went something like this:

    • 16 Channing Tatums IC (aka Right Leg Squat)
    • 8 Decline Merkins IC
    • 16 Tatum Channings IC
    • 8 Incline Merkins IC
    • 12 Channing Tatums IC
    • 6 Decline Merkins IC
    • 12 Tatum Channings IC
    • 6 Incline Merkins IC
    • 8 Channing Tatums IC (aka Right Leg Squat)
    • 4 Decline Merkins IC
    • 8 Tatum Channings IC
    • 4 Incline Merkins IC
    • 4 Channing Tatums IC (aka Right Leg Squat)
    • 2 Decline Merkins IC
    • 4 Tatum Channings IC
    • 2 Incline Merkins IC

    We did this on the baseball field bleachers and it was hell a loud.  The guy opening the concession stand for the games later that morning came out to see what all of the commotion was about.  He seemed fine with a bunch of dudes stomping on the bleachers, so he went back inside.

    Dora 1-2-3:  Partner up. Partner 1 bear crawls about 40 yards out and back, while Pax 2 works on the the prescribed exercise.  Flapjack when Partner 1 gets back and continue exercise count as a team.  Each team does 100 Merkins, 200 Squats, and 300 LBCs.

    Mosey over to the playground

    Bernie BLIMPS: Same partners.  Pax 1 hangs from the pull-up bars, elbows bent at an L while Pax 2 goes through the following progression:  5 Burpees, 10 Lunges, 15 IW, 20 Merkins, 25 Plank Jacks, 30 Squats.  Finished when the team makes it through the entire progression.

    Mosey across River Road (Frogger) to the levee.  After a test run down the concrete side and back up, we decided it was a worthy levee for 11s or Jacob’s ladder or quadraphilia or any other of our various levee downpainments.

    Jacob’s Ladder: Run to the top of the levee and do one burpee.  Down and back up for two burpees.  Keep ascending until you reach 7 burpees.

    Mary: 10 WWII sit-ups IC with feet toward the top of the levee.

    Quadraphillia – Down the grassy side and back up, always facing the park.  We only did a couple of minutes.

    Mosey back to the flag for COT

    Moleskin

    Troubled Waters is a good AO that would be better if they didn’t lock up the baseball fields.  There’s plenty of stuff to get creative here and the levee is a definite bonus.  There are not a lot of big open spaces, so it will be tough once the numbers get huge.  No worries though, we will just add a workout at the West Bank Bridge Park.

    They have a Remote Control Race Track at this place.  How weird is that?  We had Coffeeteria at Donut Land, just down the road.  Ask Kimchi how good the donuts are.  While we were there we saw one of Torque’s buddies, who was apparently confused about the location of the workout, or exactly what the term workout means.  At least he met us for donuts.

    T-claps to Channel Mullet for his triumphant Kotter.  T-claps to Yo-Yo.  Not too many 14 year olds in the New Orleans area have the dedication to get up and workout at 6:30 Saturday mornings.  He will be a man-child before long.

     

  • The Uptowner Yoga Challenge: Week #1

    We kicked off the 8 week Yoga Challenge at The Uptowner this morning with 6 men looking to get stronger, more flexible, and injury resistent.  The idea here is to see what happens if we commit to doing power yoga once per week for 2 months.  What kind of changes are we going to see?  Time will tell.  So with that in mind, we started with your basic sit and reach so that we could get a crude baseline measurement of our current flexibility.  Mine was not good.  Feel free to post yours in the comments so that you can look back at the progress.

    The Thang

    • Wide Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Twisting Torso Stretch
    • Split Leg Hamstring Stretch
    • Standing Side Stretch
    • Sun Salutations (x3)
    • Runner’s Stretch
    • Crescent Pose
    • Warrior 1
    • Warrior 2
    • Reverse Warrior
    • Triangle Pose
    • Twisting Triangle Pose
    • Chair Pose
    • Prayer Twist
    • Namaste

    Moleskin

    • The PAX knew YHC was serious when I showed up in my slippahs.
    • My biggest fear was assuaged as HVAC let me know he was all for the Yoga Challenge.  I hadn’t communicated it with him and was worried he would not be excited about it.  He views it as good preparation for the Classic, so I am now even more all in.
    • Kimchi started the next cycle in his new “rest on the 70th day,” training plan.  Good to have him back.  Yesterday just wasn’t the same.
    • At the encouragment of Bogè, I tried a couple of different voices for the Q.  It was decided that YHC should use the calm, soothing yoga Q voice instead of the normal, bootcamp style Q voice – it was better for our flow.
    • YHC has misplaced his travel speaker; otherwise, we could have vinyased to the beat.  If I can’t find it for next week, I challenge Bogè to start learning some Enya.
    • I got really cold afterwards.  I googled and apparently that can be a thing once you reach a state of transcendentalism; although, chills are usually the result of moving to an unheated cabin in the New England woods.
    • I hope JV gets the above joke.  If not he should thoreau his Yale diploma in the trash.

  • Sudden Change

    As of yesterday, no one had signed up to Q this morning’s Foundry.  So Amnesty, being the responsible Site Q he is, was going to take it.  Dreading some Foundry version of Spartacus, I texted him late last night to ask if I could take it.  I rolled in hot with about 30 seconds to spare.

    As I walked up the PAX was discussing YHC’s latest literary achievement – The Tough Mudder Backblast.  If you haven’t read it, you can access it here.  It’s greatness is only exceeded by it’s length, so make sure you block out a few hours to enjoy it.  Currently it’s only three T-claps away from being listed on the TOP THREE (#TCLAPS) THIS WEEK List, which is like the New York Times Bestseller list for Backblast.  So if you like it (and you would be an idiot not to), be sure to T-Clap it.  Depending on the amount of Toner I have at the house, I plan on printing out a few copies and doing a book signing at the Destrehan Launch this Saturday.  Just remember fellas, dreams do come true.  With a few more T-claps this humble hick from Arkansas that used to go to Wal-marts to git warshin’ powders will achieve literary greatness.  If YHC can do it, anyone can.

    I digress.  I gave a disclaimer that probably no one heard and we got started.  A shadowy figure, later revealed to be Udder from F3 Greensboro rolled in even hotter than me, so we circled up near the flag for the warm-up COP

    The Thang

    Warm-up COP:  SSH x 20 IC; Hillbillies x 20 IC; Peter Parkers x 20 IC

    Bataan Death March to the Foundry – This is an Indian Run where the last man drops and does 5 burpees before sprinting to the front.  As far as I know it made its NOLA debut when Jadaveon Qd at the Birdcage a couple of weeks ago.  Thanks to Udder for knowing the correct F3 name for the exercise. All men completed 5 burpees

    Foundry Circuit:  20 Merkins was the count.  We did two cycles of: Pull-ups, Real Dips, Merkins, Rows, Knees to Elbows, Bernie Sanders, and BTW Derkins

    At this point there was a lot of Mumble Chatter about not working out the legs.  I understand; shorts season is upon us.

    The 512 Stomp (better than the 510 – that will take you to Chalmette). 5 sets of 12 burpees every minute on the minute for a total of 60 burpees in 5 minutes.  After 3 sets I noticed some of the pax getting a little winded, so, being the gentle, loving Q that I am, YHC offered the suggestion that people could start modifying to 10 burpees per set.  However, I did qualify that if you want to be GRT, you should stick with 12.  From off in the distance I could hear the faint sound of Heisenberg yelling “GRT Baby!” and then a few seconds later, from even further away a weak, emasculated sound saying “Remember when we did this with rucks on?”

    We finished the Foundry off with a true Bernie Sanders – pull-up and hang with chin above bar for as long as you can.  Once you drop out, start jogging back toward the flag.  If someone is in front of you, sprint to catch them.  We eventually fell into line and did an Indian run back to the track.

    Track work – Partner up.  Pax 1 runs a 200 (or 220 if you prefer to measure using English units – at any rate it’s half way around the track) while Pax 2 jogs across the infield to meet him on the other side.  Flap jack with Pax 2 continuing around the track to meet Pax 1 back at the beginning.  We ran 6 sets and then moseyed back to the flag for COT

    COT

    Prayers for JVs brother, Kimchi’s special intentions, Walleye’s cousin, and wisdom for Triple’s mom.

    Moleskin

    • It was great to be joined by Udder this morning.  T-claps to him for getting his workouts in during travel.  He also called YHC out for fartsacking yesterday #ouch.
    • The streak continues – T-claps Kimchi

     

     

  • New Orleans Tough Mudder

    Let me introduce myself.  I am Lee LaFleur’s lily white, cleaner than a Seventh Heaven Marathon, baseball cap.  Lee and I have had some good times together.  I often partner with my buddy Shades to give him that cool, casual look.  I can’t count the number of Friday nights, after one too many, he’s flipped me around backwards and taken his “homies” from the hood for a spin on the golf cart; cutting through old ladies’ yards and hopping curbs on our way to Bud’s Broiler.  Or all the times he’s turned me sideways and turned up Q93 on his way to the Hardware Store.  Lee and I have been thick as thieves, which is what makes this past Saturday so confusing….

    Saturday Morning (Early, but not that early)

    Good morning Lee!  What’s up.  Where we going today?  Too late for F3, thank goodness.  Please don’t say we are going running.  You know I hate the sweat ring.  It stinks.  Let’s grab shades and take the family to the park, show off the wifee, make all the ladies jealous…you know how we roll you handsome devil.  You’re looking kind of sporty.  I really hope we aren’t running…

    Academy Sports Parking Lot

    Why in the world are we meeting a bunch of dudes in the Academy Sports parking lot?  Why are they all putting on sunscreen?  Are we going to the beach with a bunch of dudes?  Who’s the Asian guy in the UPS truck?  Wait that’s not a UPS truck.  What is that thing?  Is something illegal happening?  Let’s not get in the big unmarked vehicle with the stout looking Asian gangster.  Go to the other vehicle, it seems safer….No Lee, no, c’mon!….Oh balls!  Do you realize we are headed to the westbank?  What have you gotten us into?  I am now certain this is something illegal.  You have a wife and kids to think about dude.  Things can’t be that bad…why are they listening to Stevie Winwood? And why is it so loud? Who are these idiots?

    The Thang

    We are turning on Torque Lane.  For some reason that has the cross fit looking guy really excited.  Premium Parking – sweet, the stout looking Asian mobster must really be somebody.  There’s lots of people here so maybe this isn’t something illegal.  Please tell me it’s a Kenny Chesney concert – get shades and push up your sleeves.  Show those F3 guns off my man.  People will think your his brother…Okay, the signs say Tough Mudder…that sounds Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless.  What’s that mean – Mudder?

    The Starting Gate

    Ok, these dudes are circling up to pray, take me off, take me off. That was kind of cool, a group of men praying in the midst of a bunch of strangers.  You don’t see that everyday.  Okay, this guy is telling us to take a knee in some gravel, seems painful.  He’s a good speaker though.  He’s getting me pumped up.  I’m still not sure what we are doing, but I love these people around me.  Whatever we are doing we are going to get it done together.  Hoo-rah!…Ah c’mon, we’re running?  Try not to get real sweaty, ok?

    Obstacle #1 – Pitfall

    What is this?  These idiots are running straight into that mudhole.  Alright, let’s veer to the side and go around.  Wait, Lee, what are you doing?  Why would you run straight into that?!?  How could you not see that?  It’s waist deep.  Okay, let’s keep your hands clean.  Okay, there goes that idea.  Whatever you do, don’t touch me.

    More mud.  Jump over this one please.  No need to get muddier.  Wait, the one they call Kimchi lost a shoe.  Let’s wait for him.  #NoManLeftBehind.  A little up a head a women saw how good I looked and asked to take my picture.  Some of the other idiots joined us.

    Obstacle #2 – Skidmarked

    Looks like a wall we need to go up and over.  I take it we aren’t going around it.  Our buddies are at the top to help pull us over.  That’s nice.  Thanks fellows, but don’t touch me.  Your hands are filthy.

    Obstacle #3 – Hero Carry

    Here Lee and his friends partnered up to carry each other about 100 yards.  There was one poor sap that was odd man out – the guy that lost his shoe earlier.  He got stuck with some big dude he didn’t know – he looked to be about a size 8 hat size, which probably puts him around 240.  Well done Kimchi.  Luckily the dude riding on Lee’s back kept his grubby paws off me. #StillShining

    Obstacle #4 – Devil’s Beard

    Looks like two cargo nets laying on top of each other that you have to crawl between.  Fortunately for us some of Lee’s buddies were in the cargo net, lifting the top net and giving us plenty of room.  No worries as I made it through without even a scrape.  These guys seem alright.  #LivingThird

    Obstacle #5 – Ladder to Hell

    And we are stopped.  We turn into the woods and a line of people waiting for something.  Can’t tell what yet.  It does give everyone time to mention how remarkably clean and white I am.  That makes me feel good.  The guy they call Rudy keeps counting everyone.  He must be some type of chaperone.  Lee, tell him not to worry, just tell everyone to follow me – I’m a beacon shining above the fray…Finally we make it to the obstacle.  It’s nothing but a wide ladder made out of a few 2x10s.  Not nearly worth the Disney length line we waited in.  At least it gave people time to admire my brightness.

    Obstacle #6 – Tire(d) Yet

    A bunch of tires laying on the ground like a junior high football practice.  If the question was “is my boy tired yet” the answer is a definitive NO!

    Obstacle #7 – Haha Ditch

    Alright, this ain’t cool.  It’s just a giant muddy ditch.  This seems very dangerous.  Why would you wear a beautiful white hat to something like this?!?  No wonder they are all calling you Tool.  Just go around it please,  Noooo!  You jerk.  Be careful, and watch your hands.  I think I have mud on me.  Can you see?  Never mind.  Don’t touch me, you’re filthy.

    Look, the one they call Yankee wore a hat, but he wore one that no one would ever care about.  He’s obviously the smartest one in the bunch.  They should make him the leader.

    Obstacle #8 – Pyramid Scheme.

    This is crazy looking.  A big slanted wall, with a waist deep ditch in front of it.  Rumor has it that this thing has been greased with vegetable oil.  Looks like Tool’s band of idiot friends are planning on creating two lines of idiots three people high, then people will use them to climb to the top.  Okay, the one they call Hawg has climbed to the top and is in the third position.  Looks like his cleats are digging into the guy below him.  Did he ask Mulligan about that before climbing up there?….Does Hawg really think he can pull that big dude up from the bottom?  That’s not going to work.  He’s going down.  Ha! the whole tower fell into the ditch.  What an idiot…Ok new plan.  They have taken the one they call Hawg and have hung him upside down from the top of the obstacle.  They are obviously mad at him for crashing them earlier.  Here comes the chaperone…wait, what his he doing to Hawg….oh no that is awful….Tool look away…turn your head…this is obscene.  Here comes the street sign guy…Oh good grief…this is awful…I get that Hawg is an idiot, but I don’t think he deserves this.  Is there law enforcement around here?  Someone stop this.  Thank goodness, they are pulling him back up.  I would say he has learned his lesson.  Tool, don’t cross these dudes.

    Obstacle #9 – Mud Mile 2.0

    I’m done.  I’m out.  Let’s go Tool.  You can’t seriously be thinking about doing this.  There is no way I survive this.  It’s about 8 muddy hills and 7 chest deep ditches of water.  You have to have help to get over every hill.  These people in front of us are covered in mud.  Are you serious?  Well it was good knowing you…..

    Ok, I know I am filthy now.  Seems like we are headed somewhere else, but we obviously have to come back and do this again.

    Obstacle #10 – Block Ness Monster

    At this point the group has started to separate.  No doubt because I am no longer a shining beacon that all can follow.  Here we have a creative obstacle.  A series of long rotating rectangular prisms that you hang onto and flip over to the other side, while others rotate it.  The water was fairly clean and I got a little cleaner, but it’s too little too late.  I’m still mad.

    Obstacle #11 – Berlin Walls

    A tall wall that you climb over.  No mud.  Hopefully the mudder part is done.

    Obstacle #12 – Everest 2.0

    Total Ninja Warrior stuff.  A giant warped wall with people at the top helping to pull you up.  Again no mud – things are looking up.  All of Tool’s buddies did well.  A few of the the guys needed a couple of tries and I thought the stout Asian mobster might have knocked himself out the first time (he generates a lot of speed. #GoBigOrGoHome), but he survived unscathed and easily climbed the wall.  Impressive teamwork by the idiots at this obstacle.

    Obstacle #13 – Mud Mile 2.0

    Crap!!!! I totally forgot we had to go back through this.  This is awful.  Look at the chaperone.  He’s straight out of the Blue Man Group, except instead of being covered in blue paint, it looks like he is covered in loose stool.

    Obstacle #14 – Augustus Gloop

    How are those people over there so clean?  Ahhhh, here it is.  This obstacle is basically a shower.  Tall shower that you climb up through.  This is great.  I am getting clean.  Tool hang out at the top a little longer, lets get this filth off of me.  Now take a moment, stand at the top, and let me shine like a beacon of hope to all who can see.

    Unfortunately, Mathlete, who got some mud in his eye earlier in the race had to call for the medics at this point.  I feel you Mathlete, this mud is dangerous.

    Obstacle #15 – Turducken

    An obstacle in an obstacle in an obstacle.  Fortunately this one wasn’t too muddy or difficult.  We got to go down a slide, wheeeeeeeee!

    Obstacle #16 – Birth Canal

    No mud, just crawling under a tarp with water in it.  Our legionnaire friend Amnesty went through the black hole.  Basically the same thing, but darker.

    Obstacle #17 – Monster Mash

    Giant vertical tractor tires that you jump on and over.  Come on Tough Mudder, you’ve got to be better than this.  My man box jumps at NOMA – this is for ladies.

    Obstacle #18 – Reach Around

    Climbing on a backwards slant up to a platform.  My man Tool stuck around to encourage everyone and help them get up to the top.  He’s a good guy, but I am still mad that he brought me.

    Obstacle #19 – Arctic Enema

    Sliding into a tank of ice cold water.  Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless.  At least I am feeling much cleaner.

    Obstacle #20 – The Funky Monkey

    Here Tool ran into his friend Sparky.  Sparky is apparently associated with Tool’s band of idiot friends, but was not technically with them during this race.  Seems like an intelligent guy.  Surprised he talked to them for as long as he did.

    Now this is an obstacle – Inclined monkey bars to a couple of rotating wheels, where you have to swing to a declined straight bar – real Ninja Warrior type stuff.  Okay Tool don’t you dare fall in that water, I just started feeling clean again….Nice, you made it.  This F3 stuff has you looking pretty athletic..Okay, enough celebrating, turn around.  I want to see the heavy breathing one they call JV, he’s next.  Look at that.  That dude is a stud.  He crushed it.

    Obstacle #21 – Six Feet Under

    We have got to be getting close.  Sure is a lot of running here at the end.  Oh, you have to be kidding me.  What is this.  This looks like some kind of gray, plutonium mud pit.  What is that stuff.  Why are people going through it so slowly?  Oh, lots of lost shoes.  Ok, Tool, let’s don’t and say we did.  We finally got clean.  This is just cruel.  Ha! some dude just went all the way under because his friends told him to.  Now he’s blind.  That was completely stupid.  He seems like a perfect fit for your group Tool.

    Obstacle #22 – Electroshock Therapy

    This is it – the end.  Of course there is more mud and if you don’t get down in it they shock you with live wires.  Completely Stupid And Utterly Pointless.

    Finisher

    Well after all that, we get a t-shirt and a headband.  You can give the headband to someone else Tool, you’re not a headband guy.  Your a brilliant white cap, shining for all the world to follow, kind of guy.  Now it’s time to get me cleaned up.

    Moleskin

    I have no idea why Tool thought he should bring me to this, but in the end, I am glad he did.  He and his band of idiot friends seemed to have a great time together.  They worked hard, they laughed hard and most importantly they worked as a team to make sure everyone got to the end.  Unfortunately, they lost Mathlete along the way, but he is a fighter; he’ll be back.  I have to give it to these guys, they put in a lot of hard work preparing for this and they were ready.  It was an honor to spend the journey with them.  And, the good news is that I learned the muscled up Asian mobster runs a “laundering” service.  Send me home with him and let’s get ready for the next CSAUP, no matter how filthy it is.