Fracsac noticed the FNG as he walked up to the flag this morning. Something wasn’t quite right. He looked to be in his 30s, muscular build, slicked back hair, calm demeanor. Frac gave a knowing glance to Mahatma. Mahatma nodded back. They both looked to Rudy, putting him into action. When I walked up Rudy was standing by the FNG, making small talk, gathering intel. He made sure I knew what was happening:
“We have an FNG today Hawg.”
I walked over to greet him: “Nice to meet you, I’m Craig.”
“I’m Justin,” he replied.
I turned to the group: “Alright, let’s get started,” I said. “A few more people than I was expecting.”
The group understood what I was telling them – we have an FNG today and the F may not stand for Friendly. Everyone that is, except for Bogey. I could tell it was totally lost on him. That’s okay, the guys had recently had a training exercise called the Old Metairie Mosey where they learned how to take care of Bogey and keep him out of trouble. In the past I might have considered having Snooze put him in a sleeper hold and throw him in the trunk of Rudy’s Mini Cooper while the rest of us mosey to the warm-up. Not necessary today. We were prepared to handle the FNG and Bogey.
We moseyed to the warm-up spot: SSH x 25, IW x 25, LSS x 20, Tempo Merks x 15, LBC x 20, Superman x 10, Superman to Boat x 3. At this point some of the guys were getting a little nervous. Thumb War asked if I was making that exercise up. This was his way of asking if I had a plan for what might go down today. I assured him that we were all well-prepared.
“No Thumb War, we’ve been doing that exercise for a long time. It’s an oldie, but a goodie.”
Thumb War started to settle down a little. We then finished the warm-up with a 10! Progression of Merkins, Squats, and Big Boi Sit-Ups. After finishing the FNG broke his silence.
He smiled and said “that was a good one.”
He was calm, breathing normally. This might be tougher than we thought.
We moseyed to the Tool Wall where we did Calf Raises x 25, Squats x 20 Left Leg Calf Raises x 16 and Right Leg Calf Raises x 16. Then to the Little Foundry.
On the mosey to the Little Foundry, Catfish pulled up beside me.
“I’ve worn out my flip flops, but I don’t plan on losing one today. You know what I am saying.”
The brand of flip flops Catfish and I wear are Locals. I knew what he was saying.
“I hear you.” I replied.
“I plan on protecting my flip flops at any cost. You get my drift?”
“Yes. I understand.” I replied.
“I’m not going to let any foreign objects destroy them. Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?”
“Yes, Catfish. I get it.”
“The flip flops we wear are Locals. You understand what I really mean when I say flip-flops, right?”
“Yes….”
“So if I have trouble with my flip-flops, you can help me protect them, right?”
“Don’t worry. I got you.”
“Sorry, I have to ask, you understand I’m not really worried about my flip-flops, right?”
At this point, I decided to set his mind at ease. “When we get to the Little Foundry, we will pair up. You take the FNG.”
“Pair up? Are we still talking about my flip-flops?”
“…”
At the Little Foundry we paired up. Catfish was with the FNG. Still slightly confused he kept taking off his flip-flops, matching them together and then putting them back on his feet. We did two rounds of six stations EMOM: Burpees x 15, Dips x 25, Pull-ups x 15, Box Jumps x 20, Dips x 20, Pull-ups x 15.
The FNG was unfazed.
As we moseyed to the track he started in with the questions. He wasn’t very subtle.
“So you all have been doing F3 for about 10 years?”…”Are you all originals?”…etc.
Our suspicions were being confirmed. Frac called for Cheesesteak to meet us at the track.
At the track I let everyone know they needed to keep their pairs. “I’ve got them on my feet!” yelled out Catfish.
“Not what I’m….Okeedookie.” I said.
One Pax sprinted a 200 while the other jogged across the infield to meet him. I paired up with Cheesesteak and told him to go first with Catfish. That allowed me to keep an eye on the FNG. Cheeseteak and Catfish were the first to finish the 200. Catfish tagged the FNG about 15 feet ahead of Cheeseteak tagging me. I was hoping Catfish would have taken a notch off so that I could have started with the FNG, but I think he was still thinking about his flip-flops. Nevertheless, I was prepared to run as hard as I needed to keep up with the FNG. I caught him before the first curve. What was he doing? He knows I am trying to keep an eye on him? My momentum carried me past him. He’s smarter than I thought. He knows how fit I am. I can’t run that slow. I finished my 200 about 20 meters ahead of him. Luckily Catfish made up the distance and the FNG and I always started at nearly the same time. However, I couldn’t help but smoke him each time. It’s a weakness. I’m too fast.
We completed a mile and circled up on the infield for some Mary: Crunchy Frog x 15, Wife Pleasers x 10, Nolan Ryans x 10 on each side (message sent loud and clear), Dying Cockroaches x 15
We moseyed back to the flag for the COT. Here we go…..
El Guapo kicked us of with Count-o-rama, followed by Name-o-rama. It was time to signal to the group my assessment. I asked the FNG to step to the middle. Right on cue Frac pointed out that I had not announced my self in Name-o-rama. We had everyone’s attention.
“Craig Parten, Hawgcycle, 47.”
Mahatma called out. “Liar, you aren’t 47!”
Our message to the pax was that no one can be trusted. We have a liar in our midst and he is about to be outed.
“You’re right,” I replied with a smile. “I’m a liar. Justin, step to the middle. Tells us about yourself.”
At this point the FNG steps to the center and starts to talk about how he is from Virgina, how he is in town on a vacation, how his Uncle told him about F3.
“What is your uncle’s name?” asked Squints.
“Sam,” came the reply. He clearly thinks we are idiots.
The FNG continued to rattle on about his family, his dogs, how he loves to workout, etc.
Frac had heard enough. He took a step forward. We all did the same. “Why don’t you tell us who you really are.” We all took one more step forward, closing in on the FNG.
What happened next is classified by the U.S. Government.
