As we near Christmas, you’ll find lost hooligan souls across the world celebrating the gift-giving game of White Elephant, sometimes referred to as Dirty Santa. The men of F3 Thibodaux are no less hooligans, and as such, seven PAX posted at the Den for our first Dirty Pax Exicon Gift Exchange.
Cardinal, Goose, Pope, Lil’ Cuz, Goldilox, and Honeysuckle all deserved much worse than coal in their stockings. They needed the humility that can only be forged by cringe worthy Christmas songs.
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Warmarama
The usual suspects with two Christmassy baubles tossed in…
The Randy – from “A Christmas Story” when lilttle Randy’s coat was so big, he couldn’t move his arms – thus arms straight out to side, palms down, flapping 6 to 12 inches repeatedly.
Tempo Jump Squats doing our best to mimic Santa jumping down and then up out of a chimney
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Dirty PAX Setup
– Pax in a circle with a pile of “gifts” in the middle. Each gift is an exercise.
– Pax 1 chooses gift, reveals to PAX; PAX then completes exercise
– Pax 2 chooses to steal Pax 1’s exercise or choose from the gift pile an so on
– If a Pax gets his gift stolen, he needs to pick a new one, which the PAX then completes
Rules:
– Gifts can be stolen only twice before it is locked in
– For each exercise, the PAX completes the chosen gift AMRAP for two minutes to a carefully curated musical stink bomb of YHC’s choice.
Objective:
– The gift/exercise you end up with is the exercise you will do AMRAP for the last five minutes of the beatdown. So, being strategic about which exercise you hold at the end is essential.
NOTE: This did not happen. YHC was having too much fun with the (awful) playlist along with the ridiculousness of two-minute HIITs.
Potential Gifts:
burpees
mtn climbers
SSH
gas pumpers
J-Lo’s
jump squats
apollo ono’s
high knee imperial walkers (for speed)
shark hops – plank jack on each hop (3 per rep)
25 yrd suicide ascending and descending
hand release merkins
25 yard bear crawl/crab walk back
T-Bomb
sweat angels
The Bruce and the Cait
Goosey’s
hydraulic humpers
sandstorm
Jiminy Crickets
star crunches
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How It Went Down (in no particular order)
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Gift: The Bruce and The Cait (Merkin with one leg crossed over the other; switch legs at bottom of merkin)
Song: “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber (nothing like serenading “shawty” on Christmas)
*You will find further commentary at the end of the blast
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Gift: Hand Release Merkins
Song: “Christmas In Hollis” by Run D.M.C.
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Gift: Shark Hops (like a dolphin hop, but on each “hop” do a plank jack; the dolphin hop is dead)
Song: “Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer” by Elmo and Patsy
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GIft: Goosey’s (bonnie blair into a jump squat; after the shark hops, these were especially miserable)
Song: “What You Want for Christmas” by Quad City D.J.s (this is a real banger and should be on everyone’s Christmas playlist)
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Gift: Sandstorm (full vertical, jump repeatedly with arms straight up)
Song: As Lil’ Cuz and others pointed out, the song should have been Sandstorm by Darude, but alas, ‘tain’t the season. So, “Drummer Boy” by Justin Bieber and (wait for it) Busta Rhymes
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Gift: J-Lo’s
Song: “Last Christmas” by Wham (a guilty pleasure of many, most notably, Montana)
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Gift: T-Bomb (crab position, shoot legs straight, feet together; then legs straight and spread, then feet back together and legs straight, then back to crab)
Song: “¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?” By Augie Rios
*This gift was intended to be the exercise of Cardinal’s dreams. It ended up being a nightmare for all of us.
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Gift: Hydraulic Humpers (monkey humper, at the NADIR of the humper, double genuflect, then finish the humper)
Song: “Holiday Road” by Lindsey Buckingham
*There was initial debate between El Ganzo and YHC over the definition of ‘nadir’, however, Honeysuckle spoke his truth and the matter was settled. Then there was debate about the mechanics of the humper -again – from the head honko, which then opened the gates for the rest of the PAX to start honking.
Once we started and achieved some sort of rhythm, the mechanics fell into place. These were brilliant…with the genuflects at the NADIR of the humper, your glutes and quads are engaged the entire time. The hydraulic humper brought us to the NADIR of the beatdown. I wasn’t sure we would recover. The nadir line is that we need to see these again.
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Gift: Apollo Ono’s
Song: “All I Really Want for Christmas” by Lil’ John feat. Kool Aid Man
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There was a last gift, but I can’t remember what it was. What’s important is that it was accompanied by the musical stylings of “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by NYSNC.
YHC called off the torture (the exercises were kinda tough too) with three minutes remaining. To finish, the PAX did 25 yard suicides in increments of five, then once at the 25-yard mark, crab walk back to start.
COT and Pope prayed us out.
Though my timing was off a bit on this one, I couldn’t catch my breath from laughing so hard…well, that and the Goosey’s.
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A Quick Cup of Jeaux:
I just assume the conversation between Bieber and his producers went like this:
Producers: Hey Lil’ J, we were thinking…well…in consideration of the fact that you sing like a girl, and that you have blond streaks in your hair, and that you wear low hip, tapered, skinny jeans, and that you’re like 12 years old…
Bieber: Guiltyyyyy!
Producers: Yeahhh…Well, we’d like you to change some of your lyrics to stay more on brand.
Bieber: Ummm…ok. Should I start lifting weights? Wear straight fit jeans?
Producers: Soo yeah…actualy, we’d like you to replace the word “girl” in your songs with “shawty.”
Bieber: Aww yeahhh…Hizzy to the yizzy!
Producers: Also, any chance you’d be willing to drive a Prius?
