Prologue:
What are your favorite road trip movie moments?
Was it when Clark Griswold packed the dead Grandma on top of the station wagon in National Lampoon’s Vacation?
Or maybe you were inspired by Paul Costanzo’s quote in Road Trip when talking about the difficulty of taking shortcuts, “It’s supposed to be a challenge, that’s why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.”
Some of you might relate to Rat Race when John Lovitz’ daughter, needing the bathroom, eloquently exclaimed from the backseat, “Daddy, I’m prairie doggin’ it.”
Of course, for my money, it’s hard to beat the moment when Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) misses the turn for Colorado and instead ends up in Nebraska. When Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels) wakes up, he says, “I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.” Lloyd replies, “I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver’s full of shit, man.”
That all said, the best road trip scene of all time is found in (one of many) John Hughes’ masterful works, “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.” Having missed his flight, Neal Page (Steve Martin) is desperate to get home. He meets Del Griffith (John Candy) who offers him a ride across country. While driving (and arguing), Del (Candy) claims that Neal (Martin) does things that annoy him. When Neal asks for an example, one of the greatest dialogues in cinematic history emerges:
Del (John Candy): You play with your balls a lot.
Neal (Steve Martin): I do NOT play with my balls.
Del: (laughs) Larry Bird doesn’t do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del: No. I’m simply stating a fact. That’s all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal: You know what’d make me happy?
Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?
Mic drop.
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Background:
YHC was fortunate enough to take his family on a road trip to Fairhope, AL last week. The sheer multitude of graces and blessings that come with such an opportunity does not escape me. That said, I think traveling with small children is another compelling piece of evidence that God does indeed have a wonderful and humbling sense of humor.
YHC’s three children are beautiful, smart, kind…and absolutely horrendous travel companions and roommates. Holy crap, what is wrong with these people? But as any road trip veteran may tell you, it’s not the temper tantrums or the unbelievable lack of gratitude. It’s not even the fact that YHC’s 2.3 picked up a croquet mallet and started terrorizing everyone and beating their tables during dinner at the nice, peaceful hotel restaurant (this happened).
The hardest part is their locking onto 4 or 5 songs and demanding them to be played on repeat for 120 hours. During that time, we listened to a lot of great music. We also listened to a lot of really, really awful music. I endured it like the IM3 that I aspire to be, but the resentment continued to build over days. As it wouldn’t be right (or in some cases, legal) to vent this frustration on my children, I instead gifted that frustration to the PAX.
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The Beatdown Preamble:
Four PAX showed on a nice, muggy Tuesday Tuff mernin’. Montana was already parked when YHC pulled up 10 minutes early. We’re uncertain if he showed up because of the shade YHC threw at him the night before. Goose rolled up, three-point turned like a boss, and backed up…cuz we gonna need those coupons. YHC then emptied the back of the minivan, cuz yeah, we gonna use bricks with those coupons. We were all awaiting Enron, full of energy and fluent in Spanish from a healthy boys’ trip to Mexico City. Alas, he could not show due to being a good father and taking care of a sick 2.0. Hope everyone feels better soon.
The normal warm-ups, slightly extended to accommodate Paradiddle’s routine tardiness. At some point, somebody has got tell him that the beatdown starts at 5:15, not 5:23. While you’re at it, drop the same revelation on French Horn. It’s ok though. P-Diddy is coming all the way from Bourg. Wait, what you said? He’s not coming all the way from Bourg? Interesting. Regardless, he always brings some solid tank top energy much needed when Paradox is not in the house.
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The Thangggs:
5 songs were offered. 3 of these could be used for psychological warfare. 2 of the songs are good, but have now been so played out in my house, I can never enjoy them again. In between each song, we engaged in some very active recovery.
Song 1 – Hug a Turtle (:49) – 5:25 am
by Parry Gripp – from his punk movement band, the Nerf Herders to creating false commercial jingles to writing children’s music, this guy has been pumping out content for over 30 years. And I hate him.
– Hold Al gores, arms up with bricks, hug on “Hug a Turtle” with bricks
Active Recovery (coupons and bricks):
– 30 coupon LBCs; Mario punch with bricks to sidewalk; high knees/high arms back with bricks, 30 coupon LBCs
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Song 2 – Geronimo (3:38) – 5:31 am
by Sheppard – This one isn’t so bad until the 734th time you hear it.
– Shoulder taps in duration; Merkins on “Geronimo” and “Bomb’s Away”
Active Recovery (coupons):
– Murder Bunnies to 3rd picnic table; 50 SSHs; Redrum bunnies back
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Song 3 – It’s Raining Tacos (1:32) – 5:38 am
by Parry Gripp – In honor of Taco Tuesday
– Walk in place high knees; Burpee on “Taco”
– Mosh jumps during refrains (yum, yum, yum); Hold Al Gore during slow reading of ingredients
Active Recovery (coupons):
– 25:coupon curls; 25 goblet squats; 25 overhead presses; 25 curls
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Song 4 – Crazy People (2:28) – 5:45 am
by Casting Crowns – seemed like it was written for F3
– Six inch coupon leg hold; Refrain – Shoulder presses with coupon, legs down
Active Recovery (coupons):
– 15 thrusters, rifle carry to sidewalk, 15 overhead presses, farmer carry back, 15 thrusters
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Song 5 – That’s Just My Baby Doge (1:02) – 5:53 am
by Chicky Milky
– High plank; Groiners on “That’s Just My Baby Doge.” (for me, this was the worst because the title of the song is the only lyric in the song, which means an F load of groiners)
*At this point, Paradiddle offered the contact of a really good therapist. I don’t think he was referring to my back issues.
Active Recovery (coupons and bricks):
– Run/Nur Suicides with bricks (all picnic tables and sidewalk), track mosey
2 minutes of LBCs IC
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COT and ‘Tana prayed us out.
Kidding aside, even in the deep sleep deprivation of traveling with small children, I couldn’t help thinking about how much gratitude I instinctively have for the blessings in my life. To be clear, it has not always been that way. I know we often remark on the power of F3 and the camaraderie it provides. Self reflection and humility naturally follow. For me, it is important, if not crucial, to continue speaking these appreciations out loud. I’m showing up for God, my family, my job, and my community in ways that I never thought possible. Without reservation, that “showing up” is continuously fueled by each of you “showing up” for me.
In a way, it’s kinda like hugging a turtle. Actually, it’s not like that at all. Paradiddle, what was that therapist’s number again?
SYITG,
Yankee Joe
