On a gloomy spring morning on April, 20 2023 7 pax loaded into the back of big brother Yankees Time wagon (it’s kinda like the DeLorean but it runs on veggie juice and compliments) and headed to the Lions Den cinemaPlex circa 1985. YJ successfully posed as our dad to get our R rated tickets at the counter then Tana grabbed us some 64 ounce colas and we headed in after removing Enron from the stuffed animal claw game …”I was on a heater!”
The cheap orange lights began to dim as Goose unpacked the Big league chew he smuggled in just for YHCs bday. We settled into creaky back row seats. You can smell it now can’t you? A fine mix of popcorn, cigarettes and regret. Cardinal assured us the place was lacking on Holy water. Nothing like a movie theater in the 80s. We covered Young Horns eyes through the atrocities of the first two trailers then came the last….
A deep baritone voice describes the big screen …
“This Summer….(screen flashes man loading grenades as ominous music plays) …
In a world full of corruption (screen flashes man strapping on bazooka ) one man will Q a beatdown to single-handedly save the pax
(Screen flashes tightening vest ) …
His mission , relentless cardio (screen flashes JBL ) …
His enemy …mumblechatter
(Screen flashes boots lacing up )
His help…there is none (screen flashes war paint ) …
POOX Films brings you ….
A Prestige Worldwide production …
“Every 80s Action Hero”
(Ominous music reaches crescendo )
Duke! Put down those Mike and Ike’s and roll the footage!
Warm Up
The usuals with 35 reps of SSH to get the PAX in the right state of mind. Cardinal immediately regretted waking up after the 21st straddle hop.
YHC gave the disclaimer that today we would honor two great gifts from the 80s. YHC andddd the great 80s action hero. Take a look at this list :
Terminator
Predator
RoboCop
Bloodsport
Die Hard
Lethal Weapon
That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
What a time to be born !
Before CGI and remakes, no stunt doubles needed. Just a bazooka and a one liner and the lone hero saves the world. So we set out to honor the 80s action hero.
But first some training.
Bazooka Indian Run to the ball park. Last man does 3 bazooka squats with Ole hickory (30 lb bar) and runs the bazooka to the last man then sprint to the front. (I love the word bazooka , it just rolls off the tongue …bazooka)
Arrived at the ball park where we learned lesson 2, shooting a million nameless henchmen.
YHC dialed up that ole nurturing lullaby from Drowning Pool.
“Let the Bodies Hit Floor “
Bobby Hurley on Floor
IW on song
Air raises on 1..2…etc
And there’s still nothing wrong with us !
The Main Thang
Jacked and Tan Circuit
The 3rd and most important lesson of the 80s action hero is to always look good. So we needed a full body circuit.
Setup: 7 stations , 1 central cone for the Hero who would serve as our timer while surrounded by goons with different weapons.
Monkey Humper Trivia before each round
Our first paradox hero was John Matrix , who YHC dressed as today
He was the star of this 1985 action movie about a retired army colonel who must track down his kidnapped daughter ?
COMMANDO
What actor played John Matrix?
ARNOLD
I’ll stop here to note that watching 21 yo French Horn nail every single 80s trivia question when he wouldn’t be born for another 15 years is astounding. Like seeing Beethoven with his first piano. The kid has a gift. Keep shining Horn. T claps.
Round 1 John Matrix Commando
Center Cone – 35 big bar boy sit-ups
1. KB swings
2. Jump rope
3. Coupon curls
4. Brick flys
5. Med ball Slams
6. LBCs
Round 2 John Rambo (1982)
This 80s action movie launched an entire franchise
About a Vietnam vet who wanders into a small town looking for a friend.
Sly Stallone -Rambo-82
15 monkey Humpers
Central Cone – 20 squats
Round 3 John McClane (1988)
This 80s action movie is about a grizzled veteran cop who only wants to get home to his family but must batted 12 terrorists instead.
Bruce Willis
10 monkey humpers
10 Peter Parker’s at central Cone
The muscle fatigue was so intense that the distractions ranged from open air 5 year Thibodaux hard commits to YJ calculating how shredded he will be at 65. The pax (YHC included) continue to struggle with jump rope and it seems Enrons lack of rhythm is infectious.
We ended with an all out “it’s gonna blow “ sprint to the flag where Goose let us know his shoulder may be injured but nothings wrong with the quads fellas. The old man is pure smoke in those new brooks!
Some Mary where YJ melded animal noises with a cadence that created the time vortex to bring us back to present day Thibodaux.
COT and the Goose prayed us out.
NMM
Has there ever been a more stupid phrase than “single handedly”? What has any human ever done completely by themselves? We are created by an all knowing , all powerful God , then birthed by our mothers and cannot provide a single bit of support for ourselves for roughly the first half decade of life. Yet here I am , time and time again, and with that special brand of pride. I can do it, I can pull it together, I can do this, just put it on my shoulders. And while that trope sells all the Hollywood tickets for action heroes, it’s only a path to destruction in the real world.
For what did our real Savior look like. A bazooka? Nope just a legion of angels he left uncalled for. Surrounded by his enemies? Absolutely. So he went for nunchucks right? Nope, he took the relentless suffering then while nailed to a cross , forgave them instantly. And with his dying breath he must have nuked the place in a slow mo sprint ? Although it’s what I would have done it’s a nope again. Instead he poured out an ocean of Divine mercy and single handedly Saved the whole world.
….There goes my Hero
SYITG
Dox
