This past Saturday during Goose’s ‘Ha-quartermile-matata’ beatdown, YHC expected football games and shenanigans in five-yard increments. Instead, he experienced a darkness, nay a hopelessness that hadn’t been seen since Paradox’s “Teamwork Gumbo- Add Burpees to Taste” beatdown back in August.
Cardinal described the experience perfectly, moving through the range of emotions from hope to confusion to darkness to disgust with Goose to owning the pain. During a similar past experience, Enron had simply asked Goose, “Who hurt you?” Wet Tap provided the pivotal insight we all needed by describing Goose’s rebirth and remaking each spring. The explanation stirs images crossing between that scene in Alien and a large bald bird in the process of molting. In fact, molting simply means shedding old feathers, hair, skin, etc. to make room for growth. I suppose in this case, the hair never grew back.
It is in this mindset that YHC considered Monday’s beatdown. He was very fortunate to have his cousin, Mullet, DR’ing from The Branch AO in Houston, so of course, the pressure was on. With 60 degrees and nine PAX, we delved into some over-active recovery mixed with some festive tunes to celebrate Mardi Gras and the onset of the Lenten season.
————————————–
Waramarama was normal in both exercises and YHC’s odd struggle with remembering the order of cadence. This only opened a huge, massive, enormous door for Paradox and Enron mumblechatter. Like sharks to blood in the water. No mercy.
We covered a lot of ground, the most important of which included deep wisdom from Homer. No, not that Homer. Homer HIgh School…Alma Mater of our very own Paradox…home of the mighty Pelicans and the recipients of an impressive Google review of 3.4 out of 5.0 on their website. It’s nice Clark. Real niiice. (I’m not even sure he went there, but who cares, right?)
We finished with throw me somethin’ mistas and after watching Montana’s shimmying, YHC was forced to accept that the beatdown was already off the rails. The rest of the mernin’ would run in similar fashion. Like a middle school boy, who during the first hour of an 8-hour field trip, tried to be funny and rip ass on one of his friends. However, he got far more than he bargained for. There are no bathrooms to be found on a bluebird school bus. There are no bathrooms to be found at Lake Kissimmee State Park visiting the pioneer cabins. So all a fourth grade Joe can do is walk bowlegged and hope for the best. YHC has never been caught without doo doo pills for any trip longer than 30 minutes since.
———————————-
Warm-up song – Mardi Gras Mambo
– Shoulder taps for duration of the song
– Merkin on “Mardi Gras” and “mambo”
– 49 merkins
Mumblechatter decreased significantly, but the PAX’ confidence was still a bit too high. Based on some observations from this past Saturday, YHC saw things that he couldn’t unsee. What was so repulsive? GABF or Generally Accepted Burpee Form. We needed to get back to basics, so we deconstructed the burpee mechanics. YHC felt something sting on the back of his neck…was it Cardinal staring daggers?
Thang 1: Breaking The Pax Down
Deconstructed burpees (55 squats; 55 groiners; 55 merks, 100 yds bearcrawl)
– 10 squats
– 10 groiners
– 10 merkins
– Bear crawl to next marker
(Decrease by 1 each rep until 1 each)
– Finish with 10 burpees
———————————–
The problem according to Goose – as he told YHC this past Saturday – is that “you’re weak.” Maybe even lazy. The only way to fix this affliction is through our good friend, Dora. To be honest, she’s a bit of a hack. Map and Backpack do all the heavy lifting. And now that I think about it, Swiper reminds me of Paradox. Paradox, stop doctoring. Paradox, stop doctoring. YHC asked if there were any questions. Enron responded with something, it was not fully audible. I don’t think it was a shout out.
Thang 2: Lazy Doras
Partner up. Partners perform 200 Merkins, 400 squats, & 600 LBCs as a team. Here’s the catch…no running.
– P1 starts with 20 Merkins while P2 elbow planks, then switch. Continue switching between Merkins and plank until 100 total Merkins reached.
– P1 does 40 squats, P2 performs Al Gore until P1 is finished, then switch. Continue switching until all 400 squats are completed.
– P1 does 60 LBCs while P2 does 6″ leg hold, then switch. Continue switching until 600 total LBCs are completed.
We barely finished the second round of squats. It is probably for the best. Had the Form Police been at the scene one set of PAX would have been hauled off to jail. In retrospect, based on their Juvenile interpretive dancing, Cardinal, Tana, and Lil’ Cuz almost backed their thangs up into purgatory.
As you can imagine, YHC had to say something. As you can imagine Lil’ Cuz and Cardinal tore YHC to shreds. It got ugly, but not as ugly as watching Tana’s Al Gore pose from the backside.
On a brighter note, Paradiddle is a straight up beast. He barely broke a sweat during Goose’s PMS beatdown and this morning, hung out in Al Gore, but the hard way with legs splayed wide and toes pointed out. In some circles, this is called the goddess squat and it makes Al Gore feel like a comfy heated toilet seat.
YHC called time with five minutes remaining and shifted to our close out song.
Mary Song – Hey Pocky A-Way (The Meters)
– Hold elbow plank for duration of song
– Pickle pounder on every “way” or “hey”
– 66 pickle pounders
The chatter subsided and the badassery resumed.
COT and Lil’ Cuz prayed us out.
Don’t let the snark fool you. We all love and are exceedingly grateful for the molting process.
