The important stuff first…
Major Brat (as always, thank you for your service) had mentioned that he had successfully recruited his brother. At 6:28, there was no sign of him. O brother, where art thou? However, the concern would be misplaced. At 6:29, the brotherly new guy rolled up with blue jeans, sweat pants, hoodie, and a look of skeptical curiosity further raised when the first people to approach him introduced themselves as Goose, Enron, and Yankee Joe. It was then acknowledged that Major had not really told his bro much about F3, which is the way it should be. The FNG would survive the day with undaunted fortitude, never bowing out, and most impressively, not yakking on the beautiful perennial rye grass. He would emerge at the end of the day, rebranded as O’SHEM.
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Today was a bit wonky. YHC’s original plan had to be scrapped (it will showcase next Saturday, 12/24) and plan B also ran into logistical challenges. So, at 6:22, as the Pax were arriving, YHC made some significant shifts. 8 Pax repped at the Peltch, which would be perfect for the partnering and teams needed for the morning. The idea was to create a second installment of Paradox’s Turkey Bowl. That…um… did not happen.
Instead, we would spend the first half of the morning in muscular failure and the second half running a short field Ultimate Burpball game. Or maybe it’s Ultimate Burpee Ball? Ball Burping? Ultimate Burping? Who knows…I’m sure Goose will be MORE than happy to tell you. MORE on that in a moment.
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But first, my dear and loyal reader, I want to discuss something of grave importance, and I want to be clear. There is a sickness settling over F3 Thibodaux. It is a sickness that targets Warmarama instructions and proper cadence execution. It burrows deep into the Pax psyche. It manifests itself in gruesome ways. The sickness is real, and I’ve cited the evidence below (Chicago style because the APA are a bunch of nerds).
For example, with arm circles, some can’t tell the difference between forward and backward (Paradox, 2022). Others don’t even know the difference between arm circles and windmills (YHC, 2022). Still others make singular words like “position” or “cadence” plural and for no good reason (Montana & Goats, 2022). Even when an exercise is successfully communicated, (2.0 eye muffs, please) the actual cadence resembles something like the moment Ace Ventura figures out that Finkle is Einhorn…and of course, Einhorn is Finkle (see Enron et al. 2022). Seven count flutter kicks, 42-count imperial walkers (YHC, 2022), side straddle hops at Mach 2 (Lil’ Cuz, Fence Post & Superfun(d), 2022). Some simply modify every single warmup exercise as they see fit (Cardinal, 2022). It doesn’t end.
How did this happen?
When there’s Pax sickness, only one remedy exists. Now hold on a moment. I know what you’re thinking and that remedy is not Paradox’s wife, who, by the way, is a doctor. Paradox is married to a doctor. How cool is that? An actual doctor living in his house. To date, YHC is unclear what Paradox does for a living, but hey, does it really matter? He’s set…his wife is a… DOCTOR!
No, my friends, the only cure for this type of sickness is a Goose. A big, head tilting, eyebrow raising, low talking Goose. You KNOW the look I’m talking about. The little smirk, saying, “oh, it’s something.” He knows we have gone astray; that we’ve forgotten our roots. He understands all too well that to screw up an Exicon name here, or a cadence rhythm there is a very slippery levy. It could lead to chaos. The next thing you know, we’ll be doing drugs, listening to rock & roll, and dancing. Worst of all, we may abandon our truth to erect a golden icon of Greg Glassman.
Enough is enough. You schism makers, you modifiers, you fartsackers. You hate the cold. You fear the gloom. Has not Goose shown us the way? Turn not from his tilted head and raised eyebrows. He speaks only truth, and he speaks it…constantly. O, ye of little pecks, look to Proverbs 12:15.
“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.”
YHC would try to execute the Warmarama in a way that would impress the Pax, follow guidelines, and please Goose.
Well, I can confidently report that…they weren’t, it didn’t, and he wasn’t.
———–
Warmarama
YHC: “Ok, it’s 6:30. Side strad…”
Goose: “Hold on, hold on. Disclaimer for the FNG.”
(partial and likely misleading disclaimer delivered)
YHC: “Side Straddle Hops, 1, 2, 3…”
Goose: “You can’t just go.”
YHC: “Ok, ok. Position, movements…”
Goose: “What are you doing?”
YHC: “Ughhhhh. I don’t even know…”
(YHC bent over between his knees, then throws Montana under the bus…the pax seems to be in agreement)
YHC: (finishes warm-up and goes to pick up cones five feet away)
Goose: (calls an audible and leads the Pax in self love without YHC in the circle)
YHC: (oh no you didn’t…switches to Plan Freakin’ C)
YHC: “Self love can’t save you now.”
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THANG 1: Lazy Seepurb’s (variation of Lazy Dora’s via reverse deconstructed Burpees…get it?)
Round 1
Partner 1 – 25 merkins while Partner 2 holds mission impossible plank
Repeat sets of 25 until 200 (100 ea. per partner)
Goose head tilt, eyebrow raise to Enron. Enron asked for clarity around the number, 200. It’s cool. I’m coming and Hell’s coming with me. YHC articulated the concept of “Seegah,” which is the noise one makes when attempting to do a merkin, but is only capable of completing a half merkin. Because let’s face it. A second set of 25 merkins following 45 seconds of a mission impossible plank is friggin’ seegah.
Bear crawl to station #2
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Round 2
YHC: “Ok, next set, 25 leg thrusters, which loo….”
Goose: “Groiners.”
YHC: “What?”
Goose: “Those are groiners.”
YHC: “The IPC Greenwood folks called them leg thrusters.”
Goose: “They’re wrong.”
YHC: “Ok, next set – 25 groin thrusters.” (because I’m a mature adult and I DO WHAT I WANT)
YHC: “Partner 2 holds a low plank unt…”
Goose: “Elbow plank, but whatever, it’s fi…”
YHC: “ELBOW PLANK UNTIL YOUR PARTNER IS DONE.”
Partner 1 – 25 GROINERS; P2 holds ELBOW plank
Repeat sets of 25 until 200 (100 ea. per partner)
Crab walk to station #3
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Round 3
YHC: “Next, 25 squat jumps, while P2 holds Al Gore.”
YHC: (Waits for any honking. No honking provided. YHC moves on.)
Partner 1 – 25 squat jumps; P2 holds al gores
Repeat sets of 25 until 200 (100 ea. Per partner)
YHC calls audible that after the first set of 25 squat jumps, three more sets of 10 instead of 25. By this point, most Pax weren’t even getting off the ground.
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THANG 2: Ultimate Burpball/Burpee Football (ask Goose)
Ultimate frisbee rules…ish. Coyote and Pope chose teams. Five burpees for a turnover. For touchdowns, the scoring team did five burpees, the opposing team did 10. The amount of burpees for turnovers had to be reduced because by the time the five burpees had been completed, the other team had already scored, which meant 10 more burpees on top of the five. We changed rules for scoring such as the amount of passes needed (i.e. four, then 10).
The game made movement constant and burpees began to quickly add up (unless you were Coyote). It was nowhere even close to the brilliance of Paradox’s Turkey Bowl, so we’ll let the commish run that show with Enron and Wet Tap moving forward.
That said, I would be remiss not to highlight the ridiculous skills of Coyote and Pope. Coyote was seemingly everywhere all the time. He would sneak through colliding boulders of middle age to emerge on the sideline, streaking toward the end zone, no defender in sight. No matter where you threw the ball, ‘Yote would catch it…back shoulder, overhead in stride, at his ankles, you name it. Soft hands and scary speed. Pope on the other hand was a relentless force on both sides of the ball. More than once, he hard core stuffed Father Goose in mid-throw. Other times, he traversed the width of the field to show the bright eyed would-be receiver what it felt like to have Marshon Lattimore get up in your grill. Throughout the contest, Goose was relatively quiet, undoubtedly deep in thought about how he kept dropping passes.
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Mary to the Core
– J-Lo’s 2:1 x 15
– Flutter kicks 4:1 x 20
– Supermans x 20
– Star V-ups (reverse supermans) x 10
– J-Lo Pickle Gobblers x 20
– Blast offs (from standing, 10-count down to deep squat, squat jump on “blast off”)
Mosey back to flag, COT, and Lil’ Cuz prayed us out.
Gents, I loved today. The work, the chatter, the athleticism, and the camaraderie make every Q super humbling and a heck of a lot of fun. O’SHEM, we were honored to have you today. We hope you will come join the beautiful chaos.
SYITG,
Yankee Joe
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P.S. The correct cadence sequence is below. Read it, review it, memorize it, execute it.
Proper Cadence Sequence:
“The next exercise is…” [pause] “Side Straddle Hop!” (or name of other exercise)
“Starting Position…” [pause] “Move!”
“In Cadence…” [pause] “Exercise!” (begin count 1..2..3)
