With the Q first string out, Manager @Goose had to make a call to the Thibodaux Pax bullpen for YHC. @Paradox was on probation for administering performance enhancing beatdowns and @Enron was tied up in questionable contract negotiations. Apparently these negotiations required sandy beaches. Other key starters were also unavailable such as @Cardinal who was on his 73rd retreat over the past month. @Wet Tap, upon learning about Goose’s bullpen call, opened another Jucifer and decided there might be a work conflict.
Goose’s call was a risky one. Yankee Joe has thrown some good innings, but his starts are not what you would call consistent. What with wrestling practice themes, to totaling mini-vans, to replicating Simba’s rise to power over Pride Rock…you just never know what version of Charlie Sheen you’re going to get.
Upon setting up the beatdown, it was still gloomy. As I moseyed back to the flag, I saw a silhouette of an imposing figure carved out against blinding headlights of a parked car. As I neared, Lil’ Cuz came into focus. With his characteristic stoicism, arms crossed and looking pretty intimidating, he acknowledged me and simply said, “It’s cold.”
From the parked car sketchily idling with headlights glaring, El Montana emerged sporting his F3 headband and the beginnings of his man bun. YHC is particularly excited about this development and it will assuredly only improve his pickle ball game.
With 3 Pax and 6:30 quickly approaching, I raced through the beatdown in my mind making tweaks to accommodate an odd number of Pax.
Then it happened. The red glow of dawn was creeping over The Peltch as a pick-up truck turned carefully and purposefully into the parking lot. It was a powerful vehicle, gleaming and blinding with the purest white. Like Artax boldly and majestically moving toward ‘The Nothing’, but there would be no Swamp of Sadness today. Who was this? Another visitor from a far off Pax? Did Wet Tap get a new truck? The door opened and seven feet of Toe Loop emerged. YHC’s first thought: I better step my game up and win one for the Gipper.
On to the beatdown:
It is the month of October, which means ‘tis the season of Reggie Jackson, Ted Williams, George Brett, and David Ortiz. In celebration of the best month in sports and inspired by Paradox’s history of the Burpee earlier in the week, YHC offered The History of Baseball: Part 1, broken down into three thangs.
As Yogi Bera once said, “Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.” Sounds like an F3 mantra if there ever was one.
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Chapter 1: 1830 – 1845
There are many references that seem to allude to a crude predecessor of baseball as far back as the late 1700’s. By the 1830’s, the game of “baseball” was recognized as an official game in America. In 1845, Alexander Cartwright, considered the true father of modern baseball and a member of the original New York Knickerbockers, wrote baseball’s first code of rules. These rules made up the core foundation of the sport we know today. Of note, you could no longer throw the object or ball at the opposing player to “put them out.” However, you could still catch a ball on the first bounce for an out and pitching was still underhand. To celebrate Mr. Cartwright’s contribution in 1845:
Thang: 1845’s
– Bear crawl to first, 18 burpees;
– Bear crawl to second 45 leg lifts;
– Bear crawl to third, 18 Bonnie Blair’s (the hard way);
– Bear crawl to home, 45 merkins
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Chapter 2: 1845 – 1869
By the late 19th century, the game of baseball was an established pastime. In New York, baseball was a passionate and ruthless sport, both on the field and between owners. In 1869, the first true professional team, the Cincinnati Red Stockings were founded, and to this day remain the only team in major league history to technically go undefeated at 57 – 0. To honor this achievement:
Thang: 57’s
– Mosey to first, 28 burpees
– Mosey to second 29 freddie mercuries the hard way
– Mosey to third 28 flutter kicks (4 = 1)
– Mosey home, 29 burpees
(total of 57 burpees & 57 core exercises)
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Chapter 3: 1869 – 1905
In 1876, the National League was created. By 1901, the rules as we know it including overhand pitching, three strikes, and foul balls were instituted. In that same year, the American League was formed. In 1903, the first world series was played between the Boston Americans and the Pittsburgh Pirates. Of course, the Americans, predecessors of the Red Sox, won.
By 1905, as baseball was being recognized as the national pastime, a commission was formed to investigate the true origin of the game. Was it based on the English game of “rounders” or the American game of “Old Cat.” It is during this investigation that Abner Doubleday mistakenly found his way into baseball founding history lore. His involvement has been firmly debunked over the past decades. Omaha missed the memo.
Thang: Bear-ducken Baseball (an official trademark of Yankee Joe)
Set up on the baseball field, all Pax must hit, pitch or field in Bear Crawl or Duck Walk position. One Pax pitches the ball to the batter (in bear crawl or duck position). Upon hitting a fair ball, batter sprints around the bases. Pax fielders must chase the ball down bear crawling or duck walking. Pax fielders have two relays/throws to tag home before batter scores. If the batter wins, 5 burpees, Pax fielders 10 burpees. If Pax fielders win, 5 burpees, Pax batter 10 burpees. If the ball is caught in the air or in one bounce, pax batter 25 burpees, pax fielders 25 merkins. Continue until all pax have batted (approx. 3 min per at bat).
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Batting Line-up
Montana was first up. He was standing at home plate. YHC reminded him that he needed to be in BC or DW position. He looked at YHC and quietly said, “I’m getting there.” Then he did what only one man has ever had the gumption to do. Yes…he called his shot to left-center. He then got down into DW position and like the Mighty Casey, took a monster swing…and whiffed. However, on the second pitch, Montana delivered on his promise and launched a satellite into orbit. Lil’ Cuz literally (and unbelievably) duck walked…nay, duck sprinted for 30+ yards, retrieved the ball and nearly hit the cut off man to put Montana out.
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Up came Toe Loop. Back to back giant men towering over the plate even in DW position. Toe Loop drove the ball hard. Cut-offs were hit by Lil Cuz to YHC for bang bang play at the plate. When the dust settled, Toe Loop was doing 10 burpees. This man, barreling along the bases…I could only think of the fear his Division 1 hockey opponents felt seeing this freight train bare down on you with full pads, helmet, steam rising, ice shavings flying, and of course, holding a giant hockey stick. Needless to say, YHC talked very respectful trash after the play.
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Third, YHC. First pitch, foul ball. Second pitch, diving swing (and a miss) laid out on the ground – Strike 2! Third pitch, pop fly to left. Lil’ Cuz in what can only be described as a cougar leaping in the air to latch onto the wildebeest galloping by, laid full out only to have the ball glance off his hand. He recovered, duck sprinted and threw a dart to Toe Loop. YHC beat it by a hair. But folks, Lil’ Cuz’s jiu jitsu athleticism is something to behold.
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In clean-up, Lil’ Cuz strode up to the plate. As would be expected, he drove a hard line drive right up the middle. YHC was able to corral it, but not without hurting himself in an ungraceful tumble and roll. I’m not sure what happened after that as I was looking for the trainer to take me into the concussion protocol tent.
Game over.
Some Mary and Yram, including lots of Superman pulses, Australian Snow Angels, and Superman sun gods.
Montana prayed us out.
Gentlemen, I appreciate you showing up today and going along with the crazy. There was no chatter, and everyone pushed hard through what at the very least, included 130 burpees and over 300 yards of bear crawls. As always, it was humbling and inspiring to suffer next to you.
SYITG,
Yankee Joe
