This is nowhere near as epic as the previous one, but we did our best with less time. I hope you all enjoy:
The sun had barely risen when Shooter, smelling faintly of gunpowder and deer pee, rallied the troops for a 4-mile run through the suburban wilderness. Clad in camo shorts and suspicious confidence, he declared, “If we see a squirrel, it’s dinner.”
Waterpik, always fresh from a fluoride rinse and reeking of peppermint, warned everyone to floss or die. He spent most of the run critiquing everyone’s gum health between wheezes.
Bushwacker tried to take a shortcut through some hedges, screaming “I’m one with the landscape!” before tripping over a sprinkler head and performing a full scissor-kick dismount into someone’s rosebush. Nature: 1, Bushwacker: bloodied. It’s not the first time we has scissoring during a beatdown in Mandeville
Hammer, the group’s legal eagle, spent the entire run drafting a class-action lawsuit against cardio. He cited mental anguish, chafing, and unsolicited motivational phrases as grounds for litigation. He began quoting 80s legal dramas, which most of us could not recall. We simply pleaded the 5th.
Ballz Deep, who insists tennis counts as both cardio and therapy, ran in short shorts and a headband, aggressively grunting with every step like he was serving at Wimbledon. People stared. Children cried. He never broke pace.
Then came Jose10k, part educator, part miracle worker, and fully out of place among this testosterone-fueled chaos. He delivered inspirational quotes mid-stride and tried to turn the run into a teachable moment. Unfortunately, nobody passed his pop quiz on “Proper Pacing and You.” So he decided to Ruck. He was going to quote Dangerous Minds while listening to Coolio, just to change up his play list to appease Cowbell.
They finished the 4 miles sweaty, slightly broken, and somehow closer than ever. No records were broken, but egos certainly were. One thing’s for sure: adult fitness looks less like a Nike ad and more like a comedy sketch filmed in slow motion.
Same time next week? God help us.
