This morning’s workout was led by none other than Steve, a man with the calm demeanor of a yoga instructor and the workout intensity of a caffeinated Navy SEAL. Spirits were high, the weather was decent, and then—it happened. Frank opened his mouth.
STARRING
Steve as The Relentless Commander
Fitness guru? Torture artist? Hard to say. Wears a watch that doesn’t tell time—it tells reps.
Frank as The Unfiltered Oracle. He was the reason we couldn’t keep cadence
Speaks only in political hot takes May or may not be sponsored by FoxNews.
Shooter as The Deer Whisperer
Disappears in the woods, can camp out with just a tarp and a stick. If the emp hits us, the only one of us who could survive because he know how to purify his own urine.
Russo as The Conspiracy Theorist
Chem trails, JFK assassination, Bigfoot, he knows all of the worlds secrets. Keeps a personal vendetta against half-reps.
Jose10k as The Distance Demon
Runs 10K before the workout just to feel warm. Laughs at burpees because he rely does them. Rumored to have an actual sponsorship from Advil.
What followed was less a fitness session and more a live taping of a political stand-up special. The laughter was so violent, we couldn’t keep cadence or count. Hell, at one point I think someone tried to do a jumping jack and just fell over laughing. It was chaos. Steve tried to restore order like a desperate substitute teacher, but the image of Frank talking politics and Trump had the floor—and the filibuster.
Eventually, we moseyed to the marsh, where Steve unveiled his twisted plan. Every stop sign became a mini-Hell: 5 Kraken burpees , 10 Sister Mary Catherines 10 and gas pumps
Now Steve claimed it was “only 5 Kraken burpees,” but time warped. I aged. I saw my ancestors. I met a raccoon who offered me a cigarette and said, “You don’t wanna go back in there.”
Sadly (or perhaps wisely), I had to leave early. But here’s how I imagine it played out after my escape:
Final Act: “Marshageddon”
Steve, shirtless and shimmering with sweat like a demigod forged in pre-workout, leads the group deeper into the foggy marsh. Frank, in spirit form, still monologuing about the federal reserve, is doing bear crawls backward while reciting Reagan speeches.
Suddenly, Steve bellows, “MERMAN DRILLS!” Everyone dives into a stagnant puddle. Two men don’t resurface. Gas pumps evolve into explosive gas pump combos. Sister Mary descends from the heavens with a kettlebell and blesses the pain.
The final challenge? Shooter pulling his Fit out of the marsh using only resistance bands and pure arm strength.
They return to the parking lot mud-soaked, spiritually broken, and somehow stronger. No one speaks. They simply nod, silently agreeing to never speak of this morning again.
10/10.
Would recommend to people I hate.
Bring a towel, a therapist, and maybe a priest.
After COT, there is a post credit scene.
[POST-CREDITS SCENE: “Marsh of Madness” – The Swamp Strikes Again]
Fade in: eerie silence. Fog hangs low over the marsh. A single stop sign stands crooked, half-submerged in murky water.
[Camera pans slowly…]
A lone figure appears in the distance… it’s Frank, shirtless, wearing compression shorts and Crocs. He’s holding a whiteboard and a megaphone.
Frank (yelling into the void):
“Let’s talk about the real reason burpees were invented—government control!”
The marsh ripples. Something stirs beneath the surface.
[Suddenly, bubbles rise… a Kraken tentacle shoots up, slapping the whiteboard out of his hands.]
Frank (unfazed):
“Oh, you’ve been listening to the mainstream media workout plans, haven’t you?”
