Alternate Blast Titles:
1) Catholicism, Burpees, and Heresy—Oh My!
2) Lent, Lamentations, and the Theology of Bad Ideas
3) Deconstructed Burpees and Doctrinal Confusion
4) Apolo Ohno, Olivia Newton-John, and the Road to Redemption
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YHC grew up Episcopalian, and most of what I knew about Catholicism came from Robin Williams’ stand-up line: “I’m Episcopalian – that’s Catholic-lite. Same religion, half the guilt!” For YHC, Lent usually translated loosely to giving up Cokes or committing to finally get a six pack.
Honestly, I had no idea what Lent was about.
Honestly, neither does the Episcopal “church.”
Thus, my integration into the Lenten season has been both brutal and emancipating. But, you’re probably asking yourself, “What does this have to do with Apolo Ohno’s, Olivia Newton John, and White Meat’s comfort level with F3 intimacy?”
Nothing, but I bet you’re paying attention now.
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Anyway, I hastily designed a Lenten beatdown theme, awkwardly linking F3 mantra to Christ’s three temptations in the wilderness. Oh…and dear Reader, when I say awkwardly, I mean like forcing a kangaroo into roller skates or stuffing a marshmallow into a piggy bank slot or cramming one leg into Wet Tap’s Mudgear shorts.
Some – things – just – don’t – fit.
Perhaps comparing America’s Best’s take on deconstructed burpees to Jesus’ resistance to Satan and his ultimate victory over death was a bit…I dunno…misguided. Indeed, as the beatdown progressed, YHC realized he was recklessly walking a thin line between ‘theological misstep’ and…well…HERESY.
Oy gevalt! Mel Brooks would have a field day with me. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, amirite?
———-
Thang 1:
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”
The Heresy:
Then America’s Best was led by Goose into the Sweet Grass to be tempted by Paradox. After researching EV’s for forty days, he was a Socialist. Paradox said to him, “If you are indeed a rugby playing optometrist from Virginia (It’s for luvahs), then turn these stones into merkins.
AB answered, “The PAX does not sweat on merkins alone, but all aspects of exercises that come from the Burpee. (So, for AB…his favorite and superfluous deconstructed Burpee.)
Bear and Block to marker 40 yards away
– 20 coupon LBC’s
– 20 merkins
– 20 curls
– 20 squat jumps
Return Rifle carry
– 20 coupon LBC’s
– 20 merkins
– 20 curls
– 20 squat jumps
———-
Thang 2:
Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”
Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”
The Heresy:
Then Paradox said, “If you are truly part of the Thibodaux PAX, throw yourself down to the ground. For it is written: “The Q will be gracious and not let you endure a beatdown with planking.”
AB answered, “Do not put your Q to the test.”
Broad jump burpees to marker 40 yards
– 20 chilcutt peter parkers 1:1
– 20 mary poppins
– 20 J-Lo’s 2:1
– 20 chilcutt jacks
Sprint Return
– 20 chilcutt peter parkers 1:1
– 20 mary poppins
– 20 J-Lo’s 2:1
– 20 chilcutt jacks
———-
Thang 3:
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.”
The Heresy:
Paradox showed AB all the AO’s in the world and you can start your own F3 cartel, call it a nonprofit, and then forget about executing the correct form on any exercise.
AB said to him, “Away from me Paradox! For it is written that a proper Apolo Ohno requires one hand touch to the ground and the other behind your back.
Coupon lunges to marker, 40 yards
– 40 toe taps to coupon 2:1
– 40 apolos 2:1
– 40 bonnies 1:1
– 40 climber merkins (one mountain climber, then merkin)
Sprint Return
Regardless, the Thangs were challenging and the chatter was unbelievable. Now, please don’t misunderstand…the chatter was actually, mystifyingly unbelievable. I couldn’t actually believe the sheer volume of garbage spewing forth from these clowns.
It was nonstop. It was off the rails. It was maddening. It was…then it happened.
Working through Apolo’s, came the next generation of chatter. Not since the Enron/Paradox chatter pair burst into the gloom have we heard such meaningless banter. Even the Popeye/AB fragrance, Eau de ‘self righteousness’ wilts in comparison. From the midst of the Den, White Meat and Maneater engaged in what has to be improv at its finest.
It went something like this…
Maneater (to White Meat): “You look like Olivia Newton John.”
White Meat: “Who?”
ME: “You don’t know Olivia Newton John? Hopelessly Devoted? Let’s Get Physical?!? Grease?!?”
WM: “Nope. I don’t watch musicals. You like them?”
ME: “I was born to hand jive.”
WM: “Come again?”
Paradox (singing): “Let’s get physical.”
WM: “No thank you.” (staring at Dox in disgust)
We finished up with a last ditch effort to quell the chatter. By this time, YHC had lost his patience, dropping random passive aggressive shots at nobody in particular. Muttered comments like, ‘running their mouths too much to be exercising’ and that ‘the Pax in general had too much energy’ and that ‘I would show them a thing or two about a…whatever’. This ain’t even my whole night, bruh.
So, to the musical and redundant stylings of Bill Withers’ “Lovely Day,” the PAX did various leg work during verses and then star jumps for every “Lovely Day.” In case you were wondering, there are 96.
Real Talk:
The song choice was not a product of repetitive triggers perfect for F3. Well, it was, but not completely. Since joining F3 as well as converting to Catholicism (and yes…I do mean ‘conversion’…there ain’t no catholic-lite about it), my concept of Lent has moved from, “Do I have to do this?” to “I get to do this.”
That doesn’t mean it’s not hard or that I don’t take it out on fellow PAX when they aren’t following my very simple instructions. In truth, it is hard and I do take it out on White Meat…and sometimes Paradox.
Good to be back, Fellas.
SYITG,
Jeaux
