YHC was freshly returned from the massive F3 kingdom to the West known as Houston having been exposed to a fresh, new idea for a “fun” game perfect for the open Q slot at the Peltch on Saturday. The best part was that YHC had time on the flight home to concoct numerous levels of “gaming” this game after having been exposed to its many weaknesses while among the TX PX. However, as the PAX began to pull into the gravel lot on Saturday morning, YHC realized that the carefully crafted layers of deception and illusion would be greatly tested given the particular skill sets of this cast of characters. They were as follows:
-Cardinal: “Captain Strategio”
-Enron: “The Prosecutor”
-Honeysuckle: “The Brain”
-Popeye: “The Grizzled Soldier Who’s Seen Everything”
-Safety Valve: “The Martyr”
-Ladybug: “What Are We Doing, Again?”
This crew would stretch YHC’s plan to its breaking point, but these plots within plots had been strategically architected for success under any circumstances.
We started with an extremely unorthodox warmup to shake each man off of his confident perch ion the branch of comfortable expectations and break up any unity of thought amongst the collective. It went like this: Imperial Walkers, arm circles, cherry pickers, Laffy Night Clubs, mountain climbers, self-love.
This was followed by a song, heard at least once by most, known well by none, called “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. SSH for the duration (big surprise), windmills during the Tarzan yells, and 8-count bodybuilders during the bridge(s) (“Night to night, Gimme the other, Gimme the other…)”.
YHC hinted at the ridiculous length of the song by offering a prize for any who could guess it. Most guessed that it was long with Enron getting within 3 seconds (it was 6:20, he guessed 6:23). That might have been close enough for Paradox, but we took it all the way into the fade out. It felt like we were watching the entirety of the end credits of an 80’s movie.
The time had now come to execute the plan. All PAX grabbed a coupon and moseyed to the lower field, though Ladybug somehow got stuck in a very, very long conversation with an elderly couple jogging by. If YHC had to guess by their body language, it was about the unique qualities of cinder blocks and their multifaceted role in today’s society.
YHC had the PAX circle up around the Q about 15 ft. apart and explained that we’d be playing musical cones, with cinder blocks, without cones. There were no cones on the field. When the music started, the PAX would bear crawl around the cones…no, blocks…and when the music stopped, everyone had to touch a block. The problem, of course, is that there was one fewer blocks than PAX, so the man left out had to go to the middle. The rest of the PAX performed an exercise AMRAP for 1 minute while the man in the middle did burpees. Each exercise would be done for 5 rounds of before switching to the next one on the list (so, each of the exercises listed below was done for 5 rounds of 1 minute AMRAPs):
-Curls
-Overhead Press (only did 3 rounds of this–it was looking/feeling really rough)
-Goblet Squats
-WW3 Situps
-All rounds: burpees in the middle, and bear crawl around the cones, I mean, blocks (shut up, Cardinal!)
After about 30 seconds of the first round of most of these exercises, we were pretty smoked, but the PAX pressed on and didn’t complain too much. At first, the burpees seemed a nice break from the endless curls and OHP, but that didn’t last long. The bear crawls and upper body work, followed by leg work, made the burpees more of a dreaded punishment as time went on.
It only took about three rounds for the PAX to realize YHC had yet to have to go to the middle. It was Enron, of course, who brought it up, half joking, that it was coincidental that the Q, the guy holding the phone with the musical chairs app, seemed to have a block right next to him each time the music stopped. Now, YHC was ready for this, but it came quicker than expected. Likely, The Prosecutor’s nose for injustice was sharpened by having done multiple rounds of penalty burpees in such a short period of time. Level one of the plan was, of course, merely pressing a button on my phone, but YHC knew that wouldn’t last long, so the phone began to be carried in YHC’s pocket during the bear crawls to dissuade any accusations.
The next level of the plan was guessed at by The Brain himself, Honeysuckle; though, he overplayed his hand by saying it out loud, which made it sound ridiculous, and the PAX had a good chuckle. He guessed that there was a sensor in each block that triggered the app.
YHC had, indeed poured new cinder blocks the week before with sensors in them (that’s why they were so heavy, Ladybug). This meant that YHC had to move more quickly than planned to Level 3: a concrete sensor in the zip pouch on the rear of my short running shorts. It senses the proximity of dense-ish concrete blocks and sends a signal to my phone, set to stop the music after YHC passed exactly three blocks.
This was working well, except that, by this point, Safety Valve seemed to purposefully be losing, getting caught without a block about 2 out of every 3 rounds. It evoked strong pity among the PAX, combined with Enron’s incessant accusations (“I’m telling you, he’s cheating. He’s never been to the middle, no burpees. There’s no way he doesn’t ever get caught. I’m telling you, I’m a numbers guy, and I’ve done the calculations. It doesn’t add up. It’s impossible, even for a computer, I’m telling you.”). YHC could see it in their eyes every time Safety Valve dove unsuccessfully for yet another block and then drug himself to the middle for unrelenting burpees: “What are you doing to him? He’s an eye surgeon! He has young kids! When is enough enough?” YHC’s lack of burpees could only go on so long, but just how long?
Though Ladybug’s delight at the idea of using “World War 3” as a name for an exercise distracted the PAX for a bit, YHC knew that after a short while, Captain Strategio (Cardinal) would notice the music stopping after YHC passed exactly 3 cones, so we would need to move onto Level 4: underground wiring tracking YHC’s location relative to the blocks. This would be short-lived, however, as Popeye’s face (and modification of goblet squats) revealed that he was picking up some underground radio activity in his bum knee. We only had about 2 rounds left, so YHC was about to move to Level 5, satellite tracking, but then saw Honeysuckle messing with his watch, clearly manipulating his own satellites to check for orbital signals. So, there was only one remaining option. YHC would have to do burpees. I pretended to tie with Safety Valve as we both dove for the block, and then I offered to take one for the team to ease the collective sense of injustice he’d been a victim to at YHC’s devising.
I’m here to tell you–those burpees were hard, especially followed by bear crawling for the umpteenth time around the circle. YHC almost felt sorry for the rest of the PAX who had all done multiple rounds in the center, but I was too distracted by trying to come up with a cover story for the unexplainable “luck” I had experienced.
We picked up the blocks and headed back to the flag for some WW1 Situps (for Ladybug) to fill the last two minutes, then COT and Popeye prayed us out.
Ultimately, I explained that I had picked up a strategy in Houston: wide, slow circles around the cones (dammit!) blocks, and make your way forward, nice and slowly, only once the guy ahead of you commits to the next block. It seemed to good enough for about half of the PAX, though Enron could be heard muttering at church the next morning: “I’m telling you, the numbers, I’m telling you.”
SYITG,
Goose
