This day, the last day YHC could proclaim himself 47 years old, we would do what I’ve been waiting to do for a long long time: we would play rugby. YHC knew this would be a challenge, not only because of the length of time that has passed since I last touched a rugby ball, but because almost all of the PAX has likely not even watched rugby before. Luckily, Yankee Jeaux is a fellow Virginia rugger from the same era. What are the chances? YHC would lean heavily on YJ for help with this beatdown.
Warmarama: Co-Q’ed by Yankee Jeaux (see?) as I tended to my ball.
The first quick Thang (bc we can’t go straight to the fun):
Ostensibly, we learned to slide-dive, by deconstructing it into a deep squat and a “Mike Tyson merkin.”
This was actually just YHC’s way of introducing yet another type of merkin to the PAX. Someone asked: “Why are they called Mike Tyson merkins?”
The answer is simple: Because that’s how Mike Tyson does them.
The Main Event: Rugby
For the first time in a quarter century, YHC donned his old rugby jersey.
We held plank whilst the instructions and rules were outlined.
And upon the start of play, there was much confusion. YHC almost immediately forgot one of the most important rules (allowing Goose to accidentally cheat), and YHC forgot Enron was on his team. And confusion runs downhill…
The highlights:
–Mom Jeans again materialized out of nowhere, and he and a shoeless Wet Tap made a living swatting passes down like Dikembe Mutombo.
–Enron ran the sideline to the end line more than once… once as dummy half. He didn’t attempt the try but passed for a teammate to score… this caused great controversy and YHC has still not figured out if it was legal.
–Safety Valve was awarded 1/3 of a point for kicking the ball into the top of an oak tree.
–Cardinal and Lil Cuz caught on quickly and by halftime (there was one?) they actually looked like rugby players.
–Goose and Paradox showcased a rivalry not seen since Deion Sanders and Jerry Rice.
–Yankee Jeaux played with effortless confidence, shouting down the opposition with, “I wouldn’t recommend it” in a voice that was at once Michael Caine and also the “seats taken” kid from Forrest Gump.
–Popeye lived offsides, realizing that creating mayhem was more fun.
–Pope is fast.
7:30 came way too soon and we moseyed back to the flags.
COT.
As the PAX lamented the (hopefully temporary) loss of Animal, Gigi, and The Fleece, YHC remembered he had an old practice jersey in the truck, and made a game-time decision to award it to “most competitive.”
(“Most competitive” and “biggest cheater” are actually the identical award, with the former being a member of one’s own team, and the latter being an opponent.)
Cardinal prayed us out.
Thanks for coming out my dudes. As always, I hope the fun outweighed the confusion.
SYITG,
America’s Best
AB Sees:
An opportunity to ramble and reflect.
This beatdown started as a tribute to my past, a swan song to my inner Uncle Rico. But it became a celebration of the present and future. The number 47 became significant to me 30 years ago, and I began see it everywhere… and I don’t just think it’s the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon. (If you need to know what that is, please see Dox, as I’d wager he’s already on the third page of his Google search results by now).
So I always hoped that the age 47 would bring something meaningful. . .
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.”
But Michael Jordan more eloquently said, “The ceiling is the roof.” Really makes you think. Perhaps the most profound thought, however, comes from 20th century philosopher William Madison, who said, “… the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.”
Where am I going with this? I have no idea.
But I bid adieu to the past with this soon-to-be famous quote: “To everyone who wrote ‘stay cool’ in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.”
And the future? Well, in the past, the future was so bright, we had to wear shades.
But that future is now the present. And now my future’s not so much bright as it is blurry, so I have to wear prescription multifocal lenses.
So the present, it is a gift. Thanks to all of you for being a part of this extraordinary gift of F3 that came in my 47th year.
