YHC was looking for something unique, challenging, and engaging for the Peltch. As I labored over various ideas throughout the week, very important questions came to mind.
Questions like, “Have you ever been further endeared to a friend because of his farts of sweet, tangy musk?”
Or others like, “If you made a priest miserable and then had him carry you 25 yards on his back, would you have to do penance?”
Or perhaps, “Is denim water repellant and insulated?”
Or, the one that was nagging me most, “Have you ever felt, I mean truly felt and really appreciated the firmness of another man’s butt cheeks?”
These questions would challenge even the greatest of men, but they say geniuses choose green. But when buying our minivan, YHC didn’t choose green. On top of it all, there was the prospect of four FNG’s!
That said, out of the darkness of beatdown designer’s block, came the answer:
It would need to be crafty, annoying, and manipulative. It would need to be painful, repetitive, and unnecessary. It would need to pull hamstrings and push out farts. There was only one person in the whole of the Exicon that could answer the call.
Dora.
Also, did you know Dora loves bricks. She’s mighty mighty, lettin’ it all hang out.
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How It Started
As it turns out, only one FNG made it out, which is still a reason to celebrate. A spritely young man, formerly called Richard, showed up in jeans, a la O’Shem. He would go on to smile his way through the insanity, running (or rather lunging) circles around the rest of us. His naming – and it’s a darn tootin’ good name – will be discussed later.
Also, we had the triumphant return of Hand Grenade. With him, HG brought back the ANIMAL shirt. And there was much rejoicing…yayy…
Following the woefully incomplete and liability ridden disclaimer by YHC (thanks Cardinal for reminding me that this was a thing), we jumped into warmarama at the locals bar: SSH, windmills, arm circles, mountain climbers, self love, high knees, butt kicks, Willy Mays Hayes.
During this time, I was concerned that with the absence of Paradox and Enron, the lack of snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter would have a harmful impact on the beatdown. YHC needed not worry his perfectly shaped bald little head. America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz stepped into the void with a deluge of… well…snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter. It was insubordinate and churlish. YHC don’t play, lukwalicuh?
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As a warm-up and prelude to the madness that would follow, we performed exercises with the Dora the Explorer theme song. As some may not be aware, a proper Dora typically moves in rounds of three, covering the upper body, moving down to the core, and finishing with the lower body (i.e. merkins, gas pumpers, and jump squats).
So, we listened to the theme song, doing shoulder taps, and performing merkins on every “Dora.” Coyote sang along, perhaps even hitting some harmony. Or maybe it was Jackknife.
Then we listened to the theme song again, this time doing flutter kicks with a gas pumper on every “Dora” (or maybe it was a reverse crunch…you’ll have to talk to Enron).
Then we listened to the theme song AGAIN, holding Al Gore and jump squating on “Dora.” By this time, whichever 2.0 was singing along had stopped, unamused by the three minutes of their life he would never get back.
Adequately warmed up, we partnered up (Cardinal chose YHC. He chose poorly.), one set of bricks per pair, and moseyed to the main field.
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How It Went – DORA 1 2 3 with Bricks
Fresh off the 9,000-merkin morning from Enron the Thursday prior, pecs were still hungover. As such, nothing like a little hair of the dog to get you right. The Dora 1 2 3 went as follows:
100 Shoulder tap merkins
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, pumping opposite arm (think Mario lunging) WITH bricks; nur back
– P2 – Shoulder tap merkins
– Flapjack
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200 V-ups
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, completing butterflies (both arms) WITH bricks; nur back
– P2 – V-ups
– Flapjack
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300 Jump Squats
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone; each lunge shoulder pressing (both arms) WITH bricks, nur back
– P2 – Jump squats
– Flapjack
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YHC grossly underestimated the time it would take to complete the thang, pondering the possibility of cutting it short. The lunges sucked so much that YHC was desperate to get back to the actual exercises. YHC writes this blast, both legs are in full spasm.
However, somewhere in the midst of the jump squats, I looked at the PAX grinding, then YHC almost yakked.
America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz, through their shenanigans were tearing the circuit up and were the first pair to finish. YHC also noted our FNG on the far flank, keeping up with El Papa. In between YHC’s dry heaves, I thought about the circle of life, watching a 55-year old grind out reps with a man 40 years his younger. Awesome F3 moment.
With substantial completion by the PAX, YHC finally called for recovery. With time not on my side, YHC chose to forgo the workout to Brick House by the Commodores (stolen from an Enron beatdown last year) and move into the next, albeit truncated thang.
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Lazy Doras
The Lazy Dora typically includes the same 1, 2, 3 format, but instead of one partner transporting as the timer, he stays and does another exercise (i.e. chilcutt peter parkers). Partner 1 becomes the timer, completing reps. For 100, 10 reps, flapjack; for 200, 20 reps, flapjack, and so on. Alas, we only had time for the first round.
YHC added in a ‘buy-in’, in which partners took turns giving a piggyback 25 yards and back to start. Then,
– P1 – Bonnie Blair’s WITH bricks (2:1) x10 reps
– P2 – Chilcutt peter parkers until P1 completed the 10 reps
– Flapjack
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Bridge of Hate
Having cut the Lazy Dora short by two rounds, YHC asked the PAX for two things. To do as he said and not to ask any questions. And yes, America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz BOTH proceeded to ask their own questions. It’s really something.
The bridge of hate is the inverted tunnel of love. The pax forms a line by laying on their back shoulder to shoulder. One pax will then be lifted and passed down the line of the pax that are laying on the ground. When the pax that was being passed down the line gets to the front he lays next to the last man and the man at the rear of the line then gets passed down, so forth and so on.
This proved to be perhaps the hardest and most hilarious F3 experience for YHC to date. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughing, continually being a weak link in the PAX chain as men were passed down the line.
Popeye started us off and with no reference for best practices, kinda just rolled (literally) through the struggling hands trying to keep him in the air. It was also a bold move exposing his front side only weeks after his hernia procedure. True to form, Pop just smirked as he watched us mere mortals struggle.
After that, men got the hang of it – lie on the back, stiff as a board. It was here that one could really appreciate the firmness of butt cheeks that only ultra marathon training can provide. Pope was just a joy as noted by Pop and Maneater. We finished the line with the 2.0’s, which was equally amusing.
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Moseyed back to the flag. FNG naming. ‘Ol Denim ‘Dick’ Naquin became [Mom Jeans] per the workout attire mentioned earlier. A firecracker of positivity and badassery, we hope to see a lot more of the Canadian tuxedo.
Interesting and fun fact…Mom Jeans is a cousin of Prius. This is worth noting because several PAX are currently re-EH’ing Prius to join us. Looking forward to having both cousins next week.
COT and Maneater prayed us out. We finished the morning with a Coffeteria.
Thank you, Men, for grinding out with me. To lean into ‘the suck’, then find yourself laughing till your jaw muscles hurt is a real gift that cannot be manufactured in many other settings. All of that followed by sharing a warm cup on a cold morning makes this whole ridiculous thing worthwhile. If that ain’t a God thang, I don’t know what is.
SYITG,
Yankee Jeaux
