There was once a time, before all of this handheld, on-demand streaming gluten-free wifi entertainment, a time when men were men, and Boyz II Men, and ABC, BBD (East Coast Family). In these grueling times, if one were to lie sleepless at night, the only solace was whatever happened to be on the TV… which was almost always the Infomercial. A late night beacon through the (brain) fog, the Infomercial beckons: “Give me your clumsy, your stupid, your flummoxed masses…”
Smooth Operator was already on site as YHC pulled up this morning; this dude never fails to impress with his punctuality, commitment, and demeanor after working 12 hours. Also, in spite of being here first, he doesn’t steal anyone else’s parking spot. The brief parking spot controversy this morning was broken by a shadowy figure emerging from the gloom, cloaked both in darkness and a red hoodie. This was the signal- it was time to begin.
Warmarama:
SSH
Windmills
Arm circles
Cherry pickers
Now, as the chatter rose, a confidential informant (we’ll just call him “Elliot”) murmurs an aside to YHC: when the PAX ups the chatter, it’s time to drop the hammer.
And so began Warmarama++(AKA ”The Jurp Store Called and They’re Running out of You”):
23 Tempo squats
18 or so mtn climbers
20 tempo merkins
15 mtn climbers
Then the rest of the Jurp on your own. (Somewhere around this time Hypotenuse appears, and YHC could go off on a tangent about that here… but we all know tangents never reference Hypotenuses.)
With the first Jurp completed, it was time to mosey.
The Thang:
While actually planning a Thang of completely different proportions for this morning, YHC began to notice that certain Jurpaple exercises were actually contained within other more complicated maneuvers.
And so, much like the hapless characters in the first half of most “how many times has this happened to you” infomercials, we would go about getting our Jurp points the hard way.
Let me explain. No, there is too much… let me sum up:
First, the Jurps. The Jurpee is the OG Granddaddy Longlegs of overdoing it. To this point, there was some sort of objection that “you actually get more points from Jurping than by just doing Burpees,” but luckily, YHC had the mental toughness to block that kind of positivity out. And the PAX completed the buy-in.
21s (Curls): the bottom half of a curl 7 times, the top half of a curl 7 times, then 7 full curls. Lots of extraneous work for 7 curls. There was a bit of debate over whether ½ curl + ½ curl =1 curl. Ultimately, YHC used his executive “boat captain” power to declare only full curls are full curls. And thus, while a total of 56 additive curls were done, only 28 were scored. And there was much groaning (but not as much as there likely was after that hypotenuse joke).
NUR one lap
Breakdancer Merkins: “How many times has this happened to you? You’re trying to Merkin, then one arm shoots up in the air, while the opposite leg flails out in front of you?”
Dox feigned ignorance, then took it to another level, breakdancing with Merkins in-between. YHC is pretty sure there was even a headspin in there. (Which may be why he blacked out during his performance and has no memory of it).
Dying Cockroaches: Almost a V-up? Maybe half a V-up, and then another half? Also confusing because no two people do this exercise the same way. In fact, YHC (very awkwardly) demonstrated it, then performed it in a totally different fashion. Either way, you get zero points for whatever bastard child of a V-up this is.
NUR! Another lap
WWIII Situps: If you don’t hate these yet, you haven’t done enough of them. Please let YHC know.
Goosies: Like the old saying goes: “If you wanna get some Bonnie Blair, sometimes you gotta cop a Squat for free.”
—-End black-and-white portion of the infomercial—
Thang 1.5 —Welcome to Oz— (the Colorized portion of the infomercial)
Now it is time to do things the “Easy Way.” YHC offered a brief respite to recount a story… years ago, a friend, frustrated at the supermarket, was cursing at some avocados when suddenly she was approached by a strange woman. “Oh deary, calm yourself…. don’t you know about the ‘Easy Way’?”
This was one of those seemingly innocuous statements that also sounds a lot like an invitation to join a cult. Other examples include “Come, Sit at the Welcome Table,” and “Free Men’s Workout.”
For the remainder of the Thang, we will do only what is necessary to garner Jurp points (AKA the Easy Way)
Now Run! Like normal human persons!
Burpees! (some far-off mumbling again about total Burpee vs Jurpee efficiency, probably)
Coupon Curls! YHC has to give credit to Enron for inspiring all the curls in this beatdown… he has done them in such large quantities YHC figured they might be a welcome break. YHC was wrong.
RUN Again!
Merkins! Regular ones, where you get points for exactly what you are doing.
V-ups! Same!
And, I’m sorry we are out of time.
Animal was bestowed upon Yankee Joe.
Dox prayed us out.
Afterword: “High Impact Men” only begins to describe the members of this PAX. Hope you guys are as motivated by YHC as YHC is by you all. Honored to be a part of the PAX, and so thankful for those who said to YHC that fateful day, “Come, Sit at the Welcome Table”
SYITG,
AB
