How It Started:
Yesterday, YHC was talking with Paradox about life. As would be expected, the conversation shifted quickly to F3.
We wondered at Popeye’s badassery and how he methodically works through a beatdown. You’ll hear part of that Army motto pouring out with his sweat, “I will always place the mission first. I will never accept defeat. I will never quit. I will never leave a fallen comrade.” Chills!
We lamented the torture that was SaturDiddle and that we actively seek out fartsacking excuses when Diddle’s name shows up on the Q list. Brutal!
We marveled at Safety Valve’s unprecedented posting record right out of the FNG gates…6 for 6. Keep it up. Respect!
We delighted in how Bone Thug swooped in one day and took his place at the table. We debated whether Bone Thug should be plural or singular. Dox writes it in plural. He’s wrong. Recognize!
We discussed the wonder of Cardinal’s random F3 superpowers, including his Q evasion tactics for questionable excuses like needing to shepherd the people. Apostolic!
We laughed and cried about how Pope is surpassing Goose, but acknowledged the King was far from dethroned. Quicksand!
You can almost hear the exchange:
– Pope ‘Shark’ Lavay: “Slow down, Dad. You’re going to have a stroke.”
– Montezuma ‘Goose’ Monroe: “I don’t get strokes motha*@$#&. I give them.”
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Why It Started:
You see, YHC is fully focused on the SV 500, and thus, beatdowns leading up to the event should be carefully designed. YHC told Paradox there would be no silly themes. Nope…no props or monologues this time. Paradox simply said (in his deep, serious Doctor voice when he doesn’t make eye contact), “Yeahhh. That sounds good.”
Soooo, while driving home, suffocating under the crushing weight of Dox’s disappointment, it became clear what needed to be done. It was an obvious transition from…SV 500 to Indy 500 to Talladega Nights to wearing a Cal Naughton Jr. wig to adopting a Homeric accent. (Homerian? Homenetian? Homogenous?)
Following the Warmarama, in the spirit of Ricky Bobby, and in honor of Paradox’s homeland, YHC gave a monologue (below) in his best Homer, LA speak. However, YHC’s High Country Homerian dialect was difficult for Paradox to follow. As the old adage goes, there’s San Pellegrino and there’s La Croix. Then there’s Schweppes Club Soda. Quaint!
If you haven’t seen Talladega Nights, the following monologue will sound pretty stupid. If you have seen Talladega Nights, the following will still sound pretty stupid. Who cares?
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The Monologue (read in your best Homerian accent):
“As we are prepping for the 2nd inaugural SV 500, most of us are reconsidering how ready we are following Paradiddle’s ‘Back to School” beatdown.
“That said, it’s in these dark moments where we find our special talents.
“Sometimes you get a knock in the head, you get superpowers. It happens all the time. Read comic books, okay.
“I know what each of you are thinking…you’re thinking, “I wanna go fast. I wanna go fast.”
“But in the midst of our suffering, yer startin’ to doubt yerself and askin’. “Am I going fast?”
“You look around to see how other PAX are doing, but mannn…you can’t “mumblechatter with your eyes, you chatter with your heart.”
“And sometimes you don’t know “what to do with your chatter.
“You find yerself flyin’ through the air, the Tom Cruise witchcraft ain’t working, the ninjas are tryna get you…and then shame of shames, you get thrown out of Applebee’s and you don’t know what to say.
“But then you see Goose and realize that he’s just a big hairy American F3 machine. Heck, paradox’s shorts are so tight he could crack walnuts with his butt cheeks.
“So, you dig deep. Maybe you picture Jesus in a tuxedo. You think perhaps, it’s time to shake and bake.
“You’re all jacked up on Mountain Dew and Surge. ready to go at yerself like a spider monkey.
“Because it’s okay…in the end, in F3, it’s just you against you. But also, if you ain’t first, yer last. So, if it’s between you and you, you better be faster than you so you don’t lose. Here’s your sign.
“To help our lost cause, we got ourselves a cougar in the back seat…you know, metaforeigner speakin’. We got ourselves a little race. We got ourselves an F3 500.
And I’ll tell you this right now, you know who loves racing? Our girl, Dora.
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What Happened (please make it stop):
9 PAX gathered at the Stage on a VERY muggy Monday morning. A few HC’s and a few pseudo commits. As alluded to, most of the PAX were nursing physical and emotional wounds from a torturous Saturdiddle. Mannn, we were ALL on the Diddle List. We’re prepping for the SV 500 and though we wouldn’t go full pads, YHC very generously offered a series of strength and conditioning opportunities. Playing off of the SV 500 theme, the PAX entered with respectable pole positions for an F3 500.
In pairs, P1 would sprint around the AO track (approx. ⅛ mile) while P2 knocked out reps of a particular exercise. When P1 returned, flapjack, and P2 would sprint the track. The goal was to reach a rep count of 100 for each exercise. There were five scheduled exercises for a total of 500. Yeah, you get it. Cheers.
There were three caviars…(Homerian for caveat). The PAX loved those. The groans sounded like a bunch of constipated walruses.
1. The race was timed. All teams had 25 minutes to complete 500 reps.
2. When a partner pitted (completed a lap), both partners had to perform 10 Bonnie Blairs before P1 could start the exercise or P2 left pit row.
3. YHC could put up one caution flag, in which all PAX had to slowly mosey around the track until caution was lifted. This meant the partners completing reps had to stop and mosey along with the running PAX.
The Exercises:
– Overhead press with coupons (x 100)
– Leg lifts with coupon (x 100)
– Thrusters (x 100)
– Coupon LBC’s (x 100)
– Coupon curls (x 100)
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To YHC’s surprise, several teams finished within the 25-minute window. YHC’s team finished only because Pope and Goose dragged him there. Thanks, fellas for carrying me. The PAX then moved onto the musical stylings of the Proclaimers.
500 miles
– Flutters, V-ups on “gonna”
– LBC’s on refrain
– Mosh jumps on bridge (na na na na) – after second verse
– SSH for third verse with high knee sprints on last refrain
Here, YHC remembered and genuinely understood a great line from Paradiddle’s last blast:
“…a chance to catch your breath, swallow the puke, and try and salivate to keep from dry heaving (please tell me it wasn’t only me).”
It wasn’t only you on Saturday and it definitely wasn’t only you this morning.
We finished with Pot Luck Mary, but stopped just short of Paradox’s dolphin hops. You know dolphins shouldn’t swim in a shark tank.
Gigi was bestowed on Paradiddle by Safety Valve. ANIMAL was presented to Popeye.
Don’t forget to sign up for the SV 500.
Prayers for Smooth and Paradiddle, the first day of school (teachers and students), and for Cardinal’s new and exciting journey as the Bishop’s Secretary.
Popeye prayed us out.
SYITG,
Jeaux
Have A Cup of Jeaux:
Let’s talk about the hard commit or HC? The H has always confused me…as if the word “commit” is a multi-leveled state of being. There is no qualifier for commitment. You can’t semi commit, kinda commit, soft commit…just like you can’t be just a little bit pregnant. You are either pregnant or you aren’t. You can’t kinda be dead. You either are or you aren’t. You can’t sorta be a jackass. You either are or you aren’t. In this particular case, I am. There is only “commit.” There is only C.
