“Gramps, tell us a story.”
“Girls, it’s time for bed, but alright, one quick story.”
“Yay! Tell us the one about the great race!”
“The great race? Which one was that?”
“You know…the one about Mother Goose and some guy Tapping a Wet Pope. You know, when you let them win.”
“Ahhh yes. The St. Vincent of Catan race of 2023. When America’s Best and I bestowed magnanimous mercy upon Goose, Wet Tap and Pope as they neared the finish line.
“That’s it! Wasn’t there also something about you and Captain America being betrayed by Superman and a three-star restaurant rating system?”
“Hahaha…good memory. Yes, Superfun(d) and Michelin, having just received a gracious and merciful gift from me and America’s Best, then promptly turned around and hit us with a heat seeking red turtle shell…10 yards from the finish line! You know, those were strange days. That race would prove to be the spark that finally ignited the F3 Thibodaux coup led by Paradox. It ultimately led to the secession from F3 New Orleans. Strange times indeed.”
“Wasn’t there also some Viking at an ‘all you can eat’ buffet that missed exercising because they were always pickling their balls?”
“Ummm…no. Ohhh…yes…Picadilly and Montana! They did not miss all the time because of pickleball…well not Picadilly anyway. Kids, do me a favor and don’t use that word order in front of your parents. Anyway, back to the race…try to imagine this…
—————————
Chapter 1: The Beginning
It was a bright and humid Saturday morning. Your Gramps had been up all night trying to craft the perfect beatdown. With the approach of our second St. Vincent de Paul 500 race, it was time that the PAX get serious about being in shape. We were all soft. Even Mother Goose. It was clear we needed some competition, individual suffering, and opportunities to both hurt and help our fellow PAX.
I looked everywhere for inspiration. Nothing. Then it hit me. I’d look at the absolute monarchical dictatorships in history…surely, there would be something I could use. And wouldn’t you know it? Germany and Japan both delivered with The Settlers of Catan and Mario Kart respectively. Who woulda thunk it. ‘Merica!
“Gramps, what does ‘Merica mean?”
“It means mud tires, aluminum cans, and freedom. Now shut yer mouths.”
———————–
Chapter 2: The Gloom
As we were gathering, Paradox brought an FNG who would later be dubbed Safety Valve. Goose’s fourth 2.0 to make an F3 appearance settled on Duke, and Paradox’s own 2.0 walked away with Gecko. Strong names. The PAX continues to grow. See coup reference above. Most impressive was the fact we had SEVEN 2.0’s!
Perhaps, just as exciting was the late arrival of Frank n’ Beans and then as if from Goose’s lips to God’s ears, who should pull into the parking lot in the silver bullet? No, it can’t be. Can it? HORRRRRRRRNNNNNNNN! 78 fart sacks later and he made sure to show up 5 minutes late. Hey, you gotta stay on brand.
Quick and tentative disclaimer by yours truly for the pledges and away we went.
We finished the usual Waramarama reps, chose partners, and moseyed to the main Peltch field. As we moseyed, YHC took a detour so that the PAX could be inspired by Gwen Stefani’s epic ballad, Hollaback Girl. It was a song that got dropped from a previous beatdown…to Honeysuckle and America’s Best great disappointment I might add. However, YHC was always a gracious and selfless Q, so, you’re welcome.
We then switched over to bagpipes blaring with ‘Scotland the Brave’, made a few pointless detours in the rec center parking lot – to ruffle some Goose feathers – and made our way to the shart show.
At this point, Safety Valve was looking at Paradox and asking himself, “I didn’t trust this loon when he was my cadaver instructor, so why the heck did I get in the car with him this morning?”
“Gramps…what’s a shart?”
“Well kids, when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object…”
[from the next room] “DAD!!!! DON’T YOU DARE!”
“Sorry, Honey. Sheesh. That explanation would have been celebrated in certain men’s workout circles. Annnyway…
———————
Chapter 3: The Setup
“There would be 10 stations, each station with two types of exercises to be completed by both partners. In order to “buy in” to the exercises at each station, partner 1 had to lunge walk with a coupon while the other partner spiderman crawled (dubbed that day as the ‘leopard gecko crawl’) to the next station. Then one partner would nur (run backward) to the starting line and sprint back to whichever station the team was on, while the other partner completed 15 burpees. ONLY THEN, could the team begin their two exercises (not naming namesl , typically in quantities of 100 or 50. Repeato for 10 stations, 10 yards apart for a total of 100 yards.
***If completed in its entirety, a team would complete 150 burpess, one mile of nurs/sprints, and 1,700 reps of various exercises.***
To make things interesting, each team had one “sucks to be you” card that would be revealed at a station. This meant that after the team had completed their exercises, they would have to complete a designated additional amount of reps.
Also, each team held a heat seeking shell that could be deployed against any other team. When called out, the team getting hit by the shell had to drop everything and sprint to and from the nearest park bathroom…roughly 200 yards.
To balance this out, each team also had an IM3 card that could be deployed to help another team out by taking away one station “buy ins” of nur, sprint and burpees.
Finally, the Q had wildcards called “Dancemodes” that would be yelled out to one PAX member who in turn had to stop and dance to the existing music. The music. Ah yes. Some of the music was good. Some of it was well…atrocious. Effective though. Ace of Base ‘I Saw the Sign’ will take your mind off thrusters in a heartbeat. Actually, most would prefer the thrusters.
————————
Chapter 4: The Contest
“The race started off in good form with all teams keeping pace through three stations. The exception was Coyote who continued to live as an outlaw from the Form Police, while racking up Academy Awards for his uncannily well timed trash talking to grown men in the last throes of burpee death. Goose, Pope and Wet Tap began to pull away if only by a few yards. There seemed to be misplaced exercise cards, but we overlooked their indiscretion since Goose was still nursing a banged up wing and Wet Tap was wearing a weighted vest. Nuff said.
The first Dancemode came with the last minute addition of the 2023 Barbie song by Nikki Minaj. When YHC heard that Horn was watching the cinematic masterpiece the night before, the song was hastily added to the playlist. Horn would not disappoint. The entire PAX sat in amazement as he reminded us that though he may have the pop culture knowledge of a 50 year old, he was indeed a Gen Z’er.
Meanwhile, heat seeking shells were being tossed around liberally. Coyote’s trash talk was intensifying, and YHC was getting grumpy with Goose & Co.’s interpretation of the race regulations. You gotta watch Pope, boi. He’ll fire off 15 burpees quicker than you can say, “I’m 45 years old…why am I here?”
The second Dancemode was equally inspiring. With Friday Night Lights pregame speeches rejuvenating our spirits, Goose brought the Peltch down to ‘Clear Eyes, Full Heart, Can’t Lose’…from the shopping cart to the sprinkler to the Dougie. Or maybe he was popping. No, he was definitely locking. Whatever he was doing, two things were clear. 1) There’s such a thing as being cool and 2) it ain’t me.
Some IM3’s began to emerge, first from the Goose/Wet Tap/Pope team to the Paradox/Safety Valve/Gecko group. Then reciprocated – albeit shamefully. Here, I realized that a NASCAR strategy had unfolded and we had a team car mucking up the pack so that the lead car could pull away. As YHC was swatting away this conspiracy theory, Goose hit the Yankee/America’s Best Team with a heat seeker.
Conspiracy confirmed. Hell hath no fury like that of a Yankee scorned.
On the far side of the pitch, Popeye and Honeysuckle were methodically keeping pace with the Goslings. They didn’t even seem to be breathing hard…like they were at a nice picnic doing merkins occasionally, while enjoying mimosas, crackers, and pepper jelly.
To that end, the third Dancemode was probably the best thing to ever hit the Peltch. YHC called on Honeysuckle, and my man, with a smile on his face (I’m scared of his eventual VQ), dropped it like it’s hot. He would have kept going, if for nothing else but to give the PAX a rest. A good man.
————————
“Gramps, were you a good dancer?”
“Well, put it this way. The great Bill Belichick once said, ‘I don’t think you can ever really trust a man who likes to dance.’ Of course, this was coming from a hall of famer legend worth millions and yet he still felt wearing sweatshirts with cut off sleeves was a good look on game day.”
“Soooo…does that mean you weren’t a good dancer, Gramps?”
“Noooo…what I’m saying is that you can’t really trust me.”
———————-
Chapter 5: The Betrayal
“At this point, all teams were within four stations of the finish line. In YHC and America’s Best unending and selfless charity, we bestowed an IM3 upon Superfun(d) and Michelin. We knew they would be forever grateful. That is, until a few minutes later when they blew us to hell with a heat seeker. I laughed at first. It wasn’t a joke. A scorned Yankee, I tell you.
As YHC was running back to Station 9 from the unforgivable treachery, I realized there were 90 seconds left in the beatdown. As I neared Goosilini and his fascist conspirators, I asked if they could cross the finish line before time ran out. The answer was a resounding YES. I then reminded them our team was sitting on a heat seeker, which would prevent them from finishing…that is, prevent them from winning. Goose protested with exasperation. We held their fate in our hands.
———————-
“Oh my gosh! What did you all do, Gramps? That must have been such a difficult decision.”
“Well, you would think so, but no. We kept the shell in its bay and let the clock run out. That day, YHC and America’s Best chose to give life, not take it away. Such is the path of heroes. This is the way.
We then moseyed back to the flag, soaking in Gwen and Nikki. FNGs were named, prayers were raised up, especially for smooth and his family, and French Horn prayed us out.
———————
Epilogue
“So, there you go girls. That was the infamous day. The day the good music died. The day that Paradox turned the corner on spreading his wings to fly as a member of the senior leadership team.
It was a hard and brutal affair. The men persevered without (much) complaining or double crossing allies.
“What an amazing story! Gramps, were you a hero?”
“No, sweetheart, but I served with a whole PAX of heroes.
(Record abruptly stops)
“Wait….that’s Band of Brothers”
(Start soundtrack again)
“Gramps, what happened to Goose? What about the rest of the Pax?”
“It was weird that Goose had said F3 was like the John Paul II of workouts and his oldest son’s name ended up being John Paul. None of us could ever figure out what that meant, but we were all amazed by it.
I kept in touch with those guys over the years and I found out that Enron’s company had shipped him off to federal prison. After that, he became one of the pioneering developers of fraud protection software . Of course, we all know why.
French Horn… well…The Horn got really into fartsacking and no one ever saw him again. Honeysuckle and America’s Best became an engineer and optometrist. They started out small, carpooling together to F3 workouts. But they became legends when they invented the F3 shuttle service.
Goose grew up and married Wendy Peffercorn. They have 9 kids. They bought St. Vincent’s de Paul’s Drug Store and they still own it to this day. Paradox Porter became a professional DJ. You know him as “The Great BAPSbino”.
Montana played Triple A pickleball, but he never got to the majors. He’s a drug dealer now and he coaches a seniors pickleball team called, “The Tanimals”.
Yankee’s Prius lived to be 25 years old… uh, in douche wagon years. I was the last one to move away. But when I did, the Peltch was still there. After Goose pickled Tana that day, his reputation spread all over town. From then on, he was known as “Dolly Poppins,” and the nickname stuck with him for the rest of his life.”
SYITG,
Yankee Jeaux
———————
Station 10:
100 groiners, coup run back to base
100 squat jumps, nur
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 9:
P1: 50 coupon side to sides
P2: 100 plank jacks
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Stations 8:
P1: 50 apollo ono’s 2:1
P2: 100 coupon flutters 2:1
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 7:
P1: 50 gas pumps
P2: 100 coupon presses
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 6:
P1: 100 merkins
P2: 100 coupon leg lifts
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 5:
P1: 50 goblet squats
P2: 100 freddy mercs 2:1
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 4:
P1: 50 thrusters
P2: 100 chilcutt peter parkers 1:1
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 3:
P1: 100 coupon overhead presses
P2: 100 SSHs (a type of exercise)
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 2:
P1: 100 coupon curls
P2: 50 V-ups
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
Station 1:
P1: 100 plank jacks
P2: 100 coupon LBC’s
Buy-in: Nur to start line, 15 burpees
Transport: Coupon lunge, leopard gecko walk
