It was about 5:12 and YHC was still sitting in an empty parking lot beginning to wonder if the double Goose threat had scared all the PAX away. But, then YHC heard a choir of angels behind him and knew that the Tana had descended. He shared how many of the other PAX were shaking in their exclusive text thread boots, but that he wasn’t gonna miss out on an opportunity to get stronger.
Since it was just the two of us, we realized we had a golden opportunity to answer the question that has been burning in men’s hearts for generation upon generation: how much punishment can a human quadricep take?
After a brief warmup of nothing but legs and a few arm circles, we moseyed to the bumper and stop sign and back. Then, it was onto the first stage of research with a new one: something called Dutch Skaters. These are meant to be used by a group as a way to traverse a long distance in single-file Indian run style. YHC and Tana tried it around the track to get a sense for how it might be used in future beatdowns. You’re basically leaping from one leg to the other at a 45° angle and bringing your back foot to touch the opposite calf. So, you’re moving forward, jumping side to side as if you were ice skating and touching your laces to your opposite calf each time you land. It wasn’t too hard, but we were starting to feel it toward the end. It’s not the manliest of movements, but compared to the rest of the beatdown, it was the high point of our looking masculine and dignified.
Next, we did 11s starting at one picnic table with 10 heel raises on the side of the benches so the heels would go below the bench on each raise, and then 1 alternating stepup (2:1) on the picnic table across the field, descending and ascending in rep count in typical 11s fashion. The transportation between the two tables was the kicker…this was a partner exercise. Big Tana and Lanky Goose squatted back to back and moved first forward/backward, then backward/forward, then sideways, then the other sideways. It was admittedly a little awkward at first without anyone else out there, but once we found our sync, we were unstoppable, kind of like when the Power Rangers linked up their individual robots to make that big huge robot, and you knew it was game over.
The quads were burning more than YHC expected even after just the first set, but Tana’s positive attitude carried YHC despite heavier than usual car traffic passing through. I have no doubt the neighbors knew exactly what we were trying to accomplish and were cheering us on quietly from the confines of their vehicles: “Look at those two large, fit men making such progress in the fields of leg science! I feel proud that this is happening in the front of my neighborhood!”
Once this was done, and the quads were sufficiently smoked, it was time for some howling monkeys. This consisted of a ring of fire with all participating PAX holding the ankles while each one in turn does 10 monkey humpers. Since it was just the two of us, we took turns and each did about five sets. As it turns out, holding that position after doing more monkey humpers than science has (up to this point) allowed is pretty dang hard, but we knew the passing neighbors were cheering us on, so we hold our ankles proudly and pressed on for the good of human progress.
The next routine didn’t have a good name, so we decided to name it either Countdown to Death or The Nuclear Option—it was like Al Gore, counting down to when he turns the key and destroys the human race via nuclear holocaust in order to save the environment. It started with 10 jump squats, and then holding Al Gore position for a 10 count, then nine jump squats, followed by holding Al Gore for a nine count, then eight, then, seven, etc. But, instead of ending with one, we, of course, ended with 10.
After this, we completed a much needed recovery lap, and though Tana at first questioned whether it was actual recovery, he quickly came to the conclusion that whatever came next would likely make the lap feel like recovery in comparison. And he was right.
After the spaghetti-leg lap, it was time for The Motivator, a side, straddle hop routine used to burn out whatever legs and cardio you might have remaining. It starts with 10 regular SSH, then 10 half SSH, then 10 quarter SSH, then 10 hops with your feet together. Without stopping, you then do nine of each, then eight of each, then seven, etc., But, again, we ended with 10 instead of one because it’s F3.
We had 8 minutes left for Mary and rejoiced at the chance to lie down and get off our legs. We did: WWI sit-ups, Freddy’s, heels to heaven, crunchy frogs, slow flutters, slow penguins, and leg raises.
COT, and YHC forgot to pray (my bad, Tana!).
Though the question remains unanswered, two brave PAX got stronger this morning thanks to the Tanacity of the big man. T-claps! Thanks for the camaraderie this morning, bro! Your legs are now scientifically classified as beefy.
SYITG,
Goose
