Since the dawn of civilization men have shared stories around Gods gift of flame. Tales of triumph and sorrow, passed from generation to generation, formed the foundation of our early history. So when 7 pax trickled into the Stage on a rather chilly bayou morning questions abound about the bright orange glow coming from the spare lot north of the Stage. There was Enron with his standard issue “what the hell do you have planned now” look. Goose with his “Will I get a call from the HOA” concerns. Tana with speculations about UFOs. Yankee with his usual “I’m not sure what it is, but I love it already” exuberance. Cuz with a steely eyed glance that spoke volumes. YHC reassured them that all will be revealed but in due time. Every good story needs to really simmer in uncertainty before you reach a rolling boil. The gloom was filled with mystery and somewhere on 40 arpent road Goats was cranking his car and testing the air with fartleks….so we knew it was time to get started .
Warmup
The usual warmups plus Goats coming in hot signaling 5:35am. I will say with the recent addition of “Live with Goats” every night on the GroupMe his tardiness is much more tolerated. Bumper mosey with hilarious Northshore tales from Goose about pedestrians questioning what exactly the PAX could be training for? Like “hey we are monkey humper/burpee/merkin triathletes but why don’t you mind your business and walk your schnauzer lady!”
Back at the stage, we grabbed coupons in a single file rifle carry line and headed north, toward the campfire.
Chapter 1: The Dark Years
We settled our coupons around a blazing fire (large traffic cone with a LED light inside, propped on a coupon…no big deal) and YHC revealed that today was his 1 year F3 Manniversary. On November 16, 2021 YHC was at this very location as an FNG. Today’s beatdown would be a tribute to our PAX and the growth YHC has been blessed with since starting this journey. Every great origin story begins one of two ways: a scientist obtains superpowers from a freak accident or…a super nerd gains perspective from a dark period in his life and gets a chance to change his fate. YHC’s would be the latter.
First exercise was dedicated to the Pre-F3 Garage Bro Circuit training that I was doing irregularly at home. Everyone knows this routine. Slam some PreWorkout with 9000 mg caffeine…then Chest on Monday, Biceps on Tuesday and maybe Legs 3 weeks later. Rinse and repeat until its April and you realize you must swim in an oversized t-shirt at the company picnic again because of a “rash”.
100 RING OF FIRE incline merkins
50 RING OF FIRE decline merkins
Colt 45s
Bolt 45s
Chapter 2: Chance Encounters
YHCs very first exposure to F3 was at our backyard tee ball league. While showing my kids how their old man used to serve up nasty sliders at HHS I overheard two men in conversation:
Goats: Hey Man you posting this Saturday? Goose had us doing monkey humpers at peltier park last beatdown!
(Proceeds to demonstrate a monkey humper in front of God and all his children)
Enron: Yea that sounds awful, cant wait!
I dashed to cover my children’s ears before realizing these men were in some sort of top secret workout group. The seeds of curiosity were planted. (At this very same tee ball league I met a young stepper named Adrian Maught before his transformation into Yankee Broseph/Joseph/Oh No).
25 monkey humpers were completed and the Lafourche sherriff made some real slow drive-bys
Chapter 3: The Goose Nest and a Leap of Faith
Fast Forward a few months, while having Dinner at the Goose nest and meeting the Goslings, Goose’s M mentioned that he leads a workout F3 thing in the front of the neighborhood. Ultimately I think it was the enthusiasm that she displayed about how much of an impact it had made on Goose that led me to inquire more. One pinned location text message later and I was set to meet a new friend and several complete strangers in the dark at a “green space” in the neighborhood. I knew there would be fitness and I knew I would get a name I didn’t like (I had personally picked out Doctor Strange but Goose had me beat by a mile).
In honor of our M’s having great influence in inviting FNGs we partnered up to complete
P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Thrusters. FlapJack
P1 Coupon Slalom Hops while P2 20 Coupon Swings. FlapJack
Chapter 4: The First Beatdown
The details from that first beatdown are always hazy but a few things standout to me:
1. During that first beatdown I was indeed welcomed with Open Arms. From Cardinal showing me modifications to Enron keeping things light while critiquing Gooses form I never felt like a stranger to this group. Goose explained everything with clarity and detail.
I hope to pass this along to every FNG.
SONG: Creed With Arms Wide Open- Coupon step ups on song then Coupon Merkin with side plank reach on every “arms wide open”. It seems the crowd was very split on love/hate for Creed.
2. My very first Thang in F3 was The Cupid Shuffle (see below), a song that previously annoyed me to no end was transformed in front of my eyes into tortuous shoulder/chest monster. Needless to say I have been quite obsessed with the creative process of building and sharing beatdowns and the joy I get from this process can’t be understated. Months later when creating my very own beatdown I remember Goose telling me that besides a warmup and COT there were very few rules. It was like that scene in the Matrix where Morpheus shows Neo the “white room” where he can summon anything he thinks of. (not saying im the chosen one but it’s a decent analogy).
SONG: We completed the Cupid Shuffle : Merkins on Down Down, Mountain climbers on Do your dance, left plank, right plank shuffle, then mountain climbers on walk it out.
3. So, building beatdowns is great but truly what has kept me returning to the well of F3 is the power of shared suffering during an exercise with men you trust at both sides. During that first beatdown we wrapped up with a classic “Tubthumping” by Chumbwumba. I remember watching Enron react to this announcement. The slight head nod of recognition followed by the neck crack to signify that he would risk a heart attack to not be defeated by these burpees. He took the challenge personal, and I felt the need to not leave him or any of these other men to do burpees alone.
SONG: Survivor by Destinys Child: SSH on song, Burpees on Survivor.
4. Finally, my first beatdown was complete and I found out Paradox would now be my name for most of my new social circle (M’s and 2.0s included). There’s a great camaraderie that comes along with these silly names and brough to mind an old classic TV theme Song.
SONG: Cheers Theme song- Rifle carry circle march and Man Makers on Name and Came
We wrapped up with Dealers Choice Mary to signify every man bringing something to the table.
LBCs, 20 deg to 90 deg (nice selection Goats)….then something special happen.
Goose still had an ace under his sleeve and unleashed Pickle Pounders to F3 Thibodaux for what I think was the first time. It was ….well….it was something.
Countoff , Name off, and YHC prayed us out with tremendous gratitude for God bringing me into this group. Special thanks to Goose for the EH and to all the guys who come out to get a little better each beatdown.
Cant wait for another great year.
SYITG
Pdox
That is a great and creative backblast