Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy “ride” into a field where peasants are
working. They come up behind a cart which is being dragged by a hunched-over peasant in ragged clothing. Patsy slows as they near the cart.
Arthur: Old Woman!
The peasant turns around, revealing that he is in fact a man.
Man: Man!
Arthur: Man, sorry…. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Man: I’m thirty-seven!
Arthur: (surprised) What?
Man: I’m thirty-seven! I’m not old–
Arthur: Well I can’t just call you “man”…
Man: Well you could say “Dennis”–
Arthur: I didn’t know you were called Dennis!
Man: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?!
Arthur: I did say sorry about the “old woman”, but from behind, you looked–
Man: Well I object to your…you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur: Well I am king…
Man: Oh, king, eh, very nice. And ‘ow’d you get that, eh?
(he reaches his destination and stops, dropping the cart)
By exploiting the workers! By ‘angin’ on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
If there’s ever going to be any progress,–
Woman: Dennis! There’s some lovely filth down ‘ere!
(noticing Arthur) Oh! ‘Ow’d’ja do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose
castle is that?
Woman: King of the ‘oo?
Arthur: King of the Britons.
Woman: ‘Oo are the Britons?
Arthur: Well we all are! We are all Britons! And I am your king.
Woman: I didn’t know we ‘ad a king! I thought we were autonomous collective.
Man: (mad) You’re fooling yourself! We’re living in a dictatorship! A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes–
Woman: There you go, bringing class into it again…
Man: That’s what it’s all about! If only people would–
Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste! WHO lives in that
castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don’t have a lord!
Arthur: (spurised) What??
Man: I told you! We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We’re taking
turns to act as a sort of executive-officer-for-the-week–
Arthur: (uninterested) Yes…
Man: But all the decisions of that officer ‘ave to be ratified at a
special bi-weekly meeting–
Arthur: (perturbed) Yes I see!
Man: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs–
Arthur: (mad) Be quiet!
Man: But by a two-thirds majority, in the case of more major–
Arthur: (very angry) BE QUIET! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: “Order”, eh, ‘oo does ‘e think ‘e is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you!
Arthur: You don’t vote for kings!
Woman: Well ‘ow’d you become king then?
(holy music up)
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake– her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by
divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why
I am your king!
Man: (laughingly) Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some… farcical
aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: (yelling) BE QUIET!
Man: You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some
watery tart threw a sword at you!!
Arthur: (coming forward and grabbing the man) Shut UP!
Man: I mean, if I went ’round, saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!
Arthur: (throwing the man around) Shut up, will you, SHUT UP!
Man: Aha! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: SHUT UP!
Man: (yelling to all the other workers) Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP, HELP, I’M BEING REPRESSED!
Arthur: (letting go and walking away) Bloody PEASANT!
Man: Oh, what a giveaway! Did’j’hear that, did’j’hear that, eh? That’s
what I’m all about! Did you see ‘im repressing me? You saw it,
didn’t you?!
